I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Yes! That as well.

Caused by the father being an arse of course.

When ds is fully verbal

it might well be the case he and dh are pleading with mum to being along half-sibs to macdonalds etc.

I feel your pain, OP. DH wasn't quite this bad when DSS was younger, but he certainly had similar guilt.

I always used to think that the 'first family children' were prone to getting left behind when a 'second family' came long - how wrong was I?

The father often feels so much guilt that the 'second children' are the ones that suffer. And that's not right either.

If the father doesn’t shape up he’s going to be stopping at two houses for some mcdonald’s. Hope he wises up soon. Honestly he’s making it hard on himself too. Surely if he gave it a chance he would have a huge sigh of relief. I’m a huge believer in the idea that taking care of a healthy marriage is a form of indirect childcare.

I see too many parents on mumsnet advocating for just putting marriages competely on the back
burner for their kids. Just the other day I read a post about a mum having marital problems because their toddler wouldn’t sleep in their proper bed and a few mums (not all of them but some) were just blaze about it and saying “oh I didn’t have sex for the first 4-5 years. Just let them sleep in your bed!”

This in my opinion is completely marital neglect. And if the marriage falls apart that has a negative outcome for the child. And yes I believe even divorcing step parents is bad for the step kids especially if they were particularly bonded with the step parent.

Its my personal opinion that it is worth it in reason to make time to put the marriage front and center even if it’s just 30 minutes to an hour a day. Yes even if it means making your kids do something that makes them a little uncomfortable like teaching them to use their toddler bed or explaining to them that you aren’t going to take hours out of your day to get them mcdonald’s anymore.

Because I think when they are old enough to reason with it they would rather hear you say “Yeah sorry I had to do some things that might have made you a little uncomfortable to preserve my marriage and show some love to my spouse.”

than hear you say “yeah I thought taking hours to get mcdonald’s with you or bed sharing you more important than my spouse and that’s why we’re through a terrible messy divorce that up ended our lives.

I also believe demonstrating positive communication and the value of marriage time (even if it’s just watching a half hour tv show every night) teaches them how to have healthy relationships later on.

@CherryYoga

that’s a lot of “beliefs”! Do you have children?

Yep

And do as you preach suggest here with your partner?

Don’t really see how it’s a “lot” of beliefs. It’s just one belief that you need to take some time out of your day to effectively communicate and spend some time with your spouse because if you don’t kindle your healthy marriage it can have a negative impact on your kids down the line.

Get to the point or I’m going to stop replying to you. 😂 Yes I do as I preach.

My point? Pretty clear from my two posts

and let’s be honest… you were never going to say “No I don’t practise what I preach” were you?! 😂

So how is your marriage doing? And do you have children?

Doesn't matter if its a big outing or not. DP should be able to invite his children. Even if they are getting a bloody takeaway at home he should still feel he can invite his kids.

Very good point!

Yes and people are like he's a Brillant dad well done.

What should have been a quick pit stop to McDonald's into 2 hr waiting affair for DSC to finish whatever activity they are doing with their mum (on her time) and op and Dc are waiting to eat some food.

It's like that park thread where dad insisted teenage DSC be picked up from mums ( on mums day) to go to the local park to play on swings with their half sibling and the poster said aibu ? and everyone was like yes, with a smattering of omg op you hate your DSC for not instantly saying yes let's drag DSC down to the swings.

Another bonkers mn thread

Not if it is causing significant disruption.

He doesn’t give a shit about his children’s routine, his ex wife’s right to have her time with them, so busy is he being super fun Disney dad.

You are so right!

Sorry, but who are you to tell me to have a think about myself? Get over yourself.

I have no entitlement. I don't have step children but I do have other children that I have parent responsibilities over about 30% of the time. The same is applied to them. If me and my children are going out somewhere then the other children are invited. They don't always want to come, they are getting older, but the choice is theirs.

I even go as far to invite the other childrens siblings (who I have no responsibility for...) Oh shock, the horror.. How dare I make sure the children are all kept the same.

I have delayed days out etc so all children can attend.

I have to travel appropriately 20 each way to collect the children. OP is lucky to live close to her stepchildren.

I'm not saying the OP and family shouldn't do things if her step children can't attend or don't want to... What I am saying is the children should always be invited. As for the Sunday roast or similar... I don't see the issue with not having it one week so they can have it another week to include everyone? I mean I have cancelled Sunday dinner because one of my children is away out somewhere and I'd rather cook it for everyone the follow week. My other children still eat, and still get to enjoy the Sunday dinner just on another week.

Seriously, the amount of people stating this father is heartbreaking (and yes, I would say it if it was a mother)

had I preached all my beliefs…. Would be relevant. But seeing as I didn’t…. 😂

Oh yes, me and my self centred way who thinks including ALL children is the right thing to do. How uncaring of me.

No - treating one child and not the other results in entitled children and resentful ones.

I'm not really convinced that this is 'crying with laughter' territory.

I think it’s perfectly relevant. I opened up to you about mine. I think it’s only fair that you do the same. 😉

but you “opened up” about yours because I asked whether you practised what you preached re your family

and you confirmed you did

so…. All good! 😊

Not even close, you’re right

slap dash with the emojis

How can you be so ridiculous 🤣?

First, nobody said he shouldn't invite them on outings but, when driving home with DH and DS, after a long day when nobody feels like cooking, so you decide to stop by McDonald's on the way home so DS can just get in, get his bath and get a decent bedtime, it is INSANE to suggest it is reasonable to then faff about calling the ex, then waiting til SDC have got ready / finished their homework / activity until you're allowed to go to McDonald's?! Surely anyone with any sense at all can see this is utterly batshit?!

Second, in any good set up, the SDC will get 1:1 time with dad during their contact time, or whatever arrangements have been made. Why shouldn't DS be able to do things just with his parents too?

Thirdly, the driver behind DH's behaviour is unhealthy emotions that he is incapable of dealing with and therefore projects onto his first children. Children like boundaries. They like to know when they're with mum and when they're with dad. They don't get upset that dad goes to McDonald's for tea one random evening with the people currently living in his home unless a modelling adult suggests that they should. There is some serious emotional immaturity on this thread. DH's behaviour is damaging to his first DC, to his new DS and to his spouse. It's damaging to the SDC because they are being led to believe that their brother's life should always revolve around theirs and that they are missing out when they're not. They are also being denied healthy boundaries. It's damaging to DS as he will be learning all the time that his time with dad is less important, that he himself is less important and it's damaging to OP, who has the same entitlement to normal family life as anyone else. She should not be given an emotional guilt trip because she doesn't want to fuck about calling ex and managing SDC's plans around a random spontaneous trip to McDonald's on the way home, ffs.

Honestly, I despair. Some of the parenting described on this thread is why schools are full of entitled, poorly behaved young people, incapable of managing their own emotions and behaviours. You think you're putting the SDC first by validating the DH's behaviour. You're not.