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Original poster

I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

724 replies

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 08:04

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

OP posts:
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OnNaturesCourse · 26/04/2023 23:58

CherryYoga · 26/04/2023 23:50

If you were in the step parents situation and every little detail was being massively delayed and became a very stressful run around though I’m very certain you would change your tune immediately. I am not a step parent. Other people shouldn’t suffer for your sake. I’m glad your parents both got along and articulated visits well. That is fantastic. But not everyy little thing needs to be a huge debacle.

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I agree.

DP messages his children - do you want to come/will you be free to do so at X time?

If they reply yes... The children go.

Really I fail to see what the debacle is. Its children wanting to be with their Dad.

CherryYoga · 27/04/2023 00:01

OnNaturesCourse · 26/04/2023 23:58

I agree.

DP messages his children - do you want to come/will you be free to do so at X time?

If they reply yes... The children go.

Really I fail to see what the debacle is. Its children wanting to be with their Dad.

Show quote history

Well then you have a lot of interpersonal reviewing to do. Perhaps your parents lifestyle has turned you self centred.

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/04/2023 00:08

Do people really think it's healthy for the resident child to do no social activities with just their parents (down to something as stupid as having a £3 burger) without calling their half siblings, waiting for them to be free, and only then doing it.

The resident child has both parents living together. It's not the resident child's fault!

The sdc can do things with their resident parent (independently) with their mum, the only reason dad isn't there is because he's not physically there.

But DC can't do anything with their resident parent X 2, unless SDC come along.

And OP never gets to do anything with just her partner and her own child.

She knew what she was getting into? 50/50 custody. That's what it's supposed to be.

Not even worth cooking a roast for the lesser child, and the lesser wife, unless sacred SDC are there to be graced with it? Yeah, fuck that.

mumda · 27/04/2023 00:13

I think if I was first wife I'd be peed off my kids were being dragged out all the time... Unless I wanted to get back with the exH. But you'd have to be barking mad to want guilt-man back.

Yousee · 27/04/2023 00:34

5128gap · 26/04/2023 17:30

It must be incredibly frustrating. However tbf he is being a good dad. The sort I'm sure you'd want him to be to your child with him if it ever comes to that. I honestly think you need to hold your peace here OP. He's devoted to DSC and any attempt you make to stop him doing this stuff could end badly, as he'll choose DC everytime by the sounds of it. The only thing I'd suggest is that you resort to planning everything ahead so you're both agreed when they're going to be included and factor in the extra hassle of that.

  1. OP has been "holding her peace" and now she is filled with resentment. Great advice.
  2. If he will "choose DSC every time" then he had no business marrying again or having another child and OP would be better off if he would just "choose them", fuck off and be done with the whole pantomime.
  3. If they plan every single little thing ahead in order to include the DSC they are effectively going for full residency or placing themselves and their child on a shelf until the important children return - another sure fire way to build resentment.

This is possibly one of the daftest posts I've ever read.

Anuta77 · 27/04/2023 02:40

HyacinthBookay · 26/04/2023 10:44

As the child of an absent father I think that you should be so proud that you are with a man who is so careful about making sure than none of his kids feel left out, that it reaches a point of annoyance. If you were to split up (here's hoping that never happens) you can be safe in the knowledge that your dh would never neglect his kids. We should be praising a man who takes his responsibilities seriously, not giving him a hard time.

You are just projecting your complexes here. My father was also pretty absent and I find OPs husbands behaviour tedious and damaging for his relationship with OP and for their child. Op and her child dont have to be sacrified because of disproportional sens of guilt which at some point will become too heavy for his older children too. Having an overly dedicated parent who doesnt allow himself to have a personal life because of the children will make these children feel uneasy. We have a friend like that. He will never be able to have a relationship as his life turns around his daughter.
Its amazing how you think the OP should feel proud and just suck up all the discomfort that her clueless husband creates!

emptythelitterbox · 27/04/2023 02:43

I think you're just going to have to push back hard on this and tell him no and just leave him home.

I'd be livid if every time I wanted to do something I had to wait around possibly hours until someone was done with a hobby or visit or whatever.

Does he not know his children's schedules? You'd think he'd know they were away doing a hobby, sport, friends house.

I really hope he isn't a big man baby Disney dad where you do everything, cook, cleaning, childcare and he does the fun stuff he wants to do.

PerryMenno · 27/04/2023 03:18

You're not being unreasonable at all, OP, and I'd be even more irritated than you if I was the DSC's mother. Constantly having my time and plans with the kids interrupted but not being able to say anything without looking like a spoilsport in front of the kids. It's no wonder they're always busy when he calls - probably trying to give him a hint!

Tookeffort81 · 27/04/2023 06:02

OP you have gone to great pains to stress that he doesn’t actually mean what he says but that he doesn’t think and that is what hurts you

However what you describe isn’t just words. It’s his actions too that hurt you.

The arguments, the tension, the anger - what a horrible environment for all.

you never answered how he got on with his ex? Nor whether he actually went on to do the roast?!

mydogisthebest · 27/04/2023 07:54

CM1897 · 26/04/2023 20:32

The people saying ‘50/50 should be enough’, obviously don’t understand that the ‘norm’ is for parents to live in the same house as their child and see them every day.

I bet many of the mums on here do live with their children full time and are just saying this flippantly, but have no real understanding of how really it feels to only have your child 50% of the time.

I have 50/50 care of my 12 year old daughter and it doesn’t feel natural to me at all, but it’s the arrangement she wanted. I would take every single opportunity to have extra time with her, even if it is just to McDonald’s. Maybe OP’s partner feels the same and there is nothing wrong with that, they are only children once

But, if you read the post properly, what should be a quick trip to McDonalds (and who in their right minds wants to make it any longer than necessary) turns into him faffing about trying to phone his ex wife, trying to sort out if his children are free, when they are free etc etc. They then have to go and pick them up, take them to the thrilling McDonalds and take them home again.

The man is an idiot

mydogisthebest · 27/04/2023 07:57

CM1897 · 26/04/2023 20:33

Crazy for wanting to see his child as much as possible? Wow

Show quote history

Crazy for making something simple and, let's face it boring, as going to McDonalds into a big thing and it taking ages instead of being a quick crap meal.

Maybe every time their child together has a bath he would like to faff about getting his other children to also have a bath?

AutumnCrow · 27/04/2023 08:01

funinthesun19 · 26/04/2023 22:40

If I was mum I would be furious that my time was being invaded by dad tbh.

Same! All because he can’t bear to go to McDonald’s without his older DC. If I was the mum I’d be telling him no. DC has eaten, they’re doing homework and they’re having a bath/ relaxing before bed. Now buzz off.

I wonder why the mum doesn't say No to him.

I would very much like to hear her side of the story - and the children's.

updin · 27/04/2023 08:04

I can see the frustration to live with it, but it is refreshing hearing about a dad who cares and feels guilty for a change tbh!!

CatCake · 27/04/2023 08:04

OnNaturesCourse · 26/04/2023 23:46

I grew up with a father like this. I was from the "first family". It was a fantastic experience growing up. When my father met his "second family" which included stepchildren I never felt left out. All the children grew up really close and have remained as such as adults.

My father didn't have set days with us really, I believe it was meant to be two weekends out of the month but was always more. He would often turn up and take us out for the day, or a meal out if they were going. Everything was as a family.

My mother was happy with this as it went both ways. She had her own second family with stepchildren too. She'd often pick me up from my father's when she was going somewhere.

Growing up I never seen it as two families. To me it was one big family. Still to this day my mother and father are friends.

My Mother always said "ask the kids, it's their choice" when it came to swapping days or going to events etc.

If your DP is asking his children and they want to go with their Dad and rest of the family then they should be allowed to go regardless of if it is his time with them or not. Same goes should their mother ask when they are at your house. It's all give and take in a blended family. Unfortunately that sometimes means things take longer, or seem harder, or are more difficult to plan but ultimately these are things you put up with for the children.

Regarding the not making a big meal when the whole family wasn't going to be there... So what. I'll assume you all still ate, it just wasn't a big fancy dinner? It's not a case of "your" child not being special enough it's a case of your DP missing his other children. I understand why you may feel like your child is not good enough in the situation but I honestly feel like you are being a little bit over sensative and protective.

You need to discuss this with you DP in depth and put some plan in place you both agree on as your current situation and feelings do not sound good or healthy.

This is fully ridiculous.

Glad it worked ok for your family but, no, it is NOT ok for OP and their joint DC to have to hang around for an hour or two to go to McDonald's or whatever the little outing is they want to go on. You do these things "for the children." Which children? Because it sure as hell isn't for the second family child, who will understand repeatedly that they are less important. Also - so what to not having a family Sunday roast when the SDC are not there? Wow. Unfortunately, the way your childhood has worked has resulted in some significant entitlement around whose needs are most important. You seem unable to consider the needs of the OP / step parent and any "new" DC to the family, considering only your own / those of the SDC. I think you need to have a think yourself because it is your current feelings that aren't healthy, I'm afraid.

updin · 27/04/2023 08:05

Although just seen you've replied 42 times and I've not read those so I'm very sorry if that contradicts other things you've replied with!!!

SquidwardBound · 27/04/2023 08:23

@CatCake I agree. that’s a post that illustrates how this kind of post-divorce parenting produces people who feel
the whole world should revolve around them.

Absolutely no empathy for the children who waited around and missed out (in both households) so it could all centre around her wants and preferences.

Maybe everything is as rosy as she thinks it is and has always been. But IME the non-favoured children do tend to see things differently - even if they continue to stay in their lane and not make a fuss as adults.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/04/2023 08:40

CherryYoga · 27/04/2023 00:01

Well then you have a lot of interpersonal reviewing to do. Perhaps your parents lifestyle has turned you self centred.

Show quote history

@OnNaturesCourse

nope. It’s perfectly fine for op, her husband and child to just nip to McDonald’s without them. It’s supposed to be a super quick tea on the way home ffs, not some proper outing!

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/04/2023 08:42

And the roast thing is absolutely ridiculous

I don’t think anyone can defend that

TheseThree · 27/04/2023 11:41

This is nuts. I have joint custody and we used to live about 3 minutes apart. Of course I miss her and we plan to do things with her as much as possible, but we don’t sacrifice life when she isn’t here. I don’t think this makes him a great or poor father - I think it makes him inattentive. He is so blinded by what he wants and how he feels here, that he ignoring the needs, wants, and feelings of those around him.

For something like the trip described, I’d have told him “It hardly seems worth going together if we’ll be waiting rather popping in for a quick tea as intended. I’ll go ahead with DS so we can get on with bath and bed. If you’d prefer to wait and take DSC yourself, I understand.” Put the emphasis on DS’s needs instead of excluding DSC.

Separately you guys need a real adult conversation not in the heat of the moment. Avoid things like “always” because it automatically makes a person defensive. “When you say X, I feel hurt. I know you love us and miss them, but it makes me feel less valued and I worry eventually DS will feel the same.” “I enjoy planning special trips such that we include DSC, but it feels like DS’s needs are pushed aside and made to wait when we try to include them for quick day to day excursions/activities. If they are available on first ring right away, then let’s get them, but otherwise I need us to move on. We can always go again/do it again when they are back.” He can learn to ring once and ask “We are headed to McD’s and thought DSC would enjoy it too. Are they available right now? Oh, they are busy a bit? That’s fine, maybe next time.” Ideally he will eventually see that they are fine missing those less special events and routine meals (yes, Sunday roast is a routine if it’s every seven days…), but in the meantime this perhaps balances each of your needs/wants?

thestepmumspacepodcast · 27/04/2023 11:45

Isn't this just about the OP wanting to just crack on and live life without stop start for everything?

redmaps · 27/04/2023 12:06

updin · 27/04/2023 08:04

I can see the frustration to live with it, but it is refreshing hearing about a dad who cares and feels guilty for a change tbh!!

So care that causes this kind of disruption is fine?

redmaps · 27/04/2023 12:08

OnNaturesCourse · 26/04/2023 23:58

I agree.

DP messages his children - do you want to come/will you be free to do so at X time?

If they reply yes... The children go.

Really I fail to see what the debacle is. Its children wanting to be with their Dad.

Show quote history

@OnNaturesCourse except it is nothing like how you described. You conveniently left out the more important details. Try reading the OP again.

Tookeffort81 · 27/04/2023 12:33

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/04/2023 08:42

And the roast thing is absolutely ridiculous

I don’t think anyone can defend that

The OP has

Apparently he didn’t “mean it”. It was just him being thoughtless with his words 🤔

funinthesun19 · 27/04/2023 12:42

InceyWinceySpidy · 27/04/2023 00:08

Do people really think it's healthy for the resident child to do no social activities with just their parents (down to something as stupid as having a £3 burger) without calling their half siblings, waiting for them to be free, and only then doing it.

The resident child has both parents living together. It's not the resident child's fault!

The sdc can do things with their resident parent (independently) with their mum, the only reason dad isn't there is because he's not physically there.

But DC can't do anything with their resident parent X 2, unless SDC come along.

And OP never gets to do anything with just her partner and her own child.

She knew what she was getting into? 50/50 custody. That's what it's supposed to be.

Not even worth cooking a roast for the lesser child, and the lesser wife, unless sacred SDC are there to be graced with it? Yeah, fuck that.

And people think it’s the non resident/ first children who have it worse (just because their parents aren’t together).

The resident child living with both of their parents means fuck all if they are begrudged everything else in life, even the basic necessities like a decent meal or a hair cut. And on MN they absolutely are begrudged everything else. I once saw a comment from a SM once where she said her son couldn’t have his hair cut because her son’s father didn’t think it would be fair on his older child who was at that moment in time with his mother. It was really sad and made me so angry.

Oh that’s ok, youngest child lives with both of his parents. Never mind if he doesn’t have a hair cut! At least he gets to see his mum and dad every day 🙄.

Tookeffort81 · 27/04/2023 13:02

The resident child living with both of their parents means fuck all if they are begrudged everything else in life

and rowing parents having a “big argument” on the way to macdonalds

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