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Original poster

I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

724 replies

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 08:04

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

OP posts:
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Chamomileteaplease · 26/04/2023 20:08

Hi @SimpleSimple I find it really interesting when you read an OP and you think, well no one is going to disagree with that.

And then people do! However, having read it all, I am totally in agreement with you OP and cannot understand how some people just don't get it. I hope there are enough people who get where you are coming from so that you feel empowered to have a proper sit down discussion with your dh to sort this out once and for all.

Sorry, but to me he sounds a) thick b) uncaring and c) fucking annoying.

Floofydawg · 26/04/2023 20:10

There's always some people who'll disagree with a SM, no matter what she says, just because she's a SM.

mydogisthebest · 26/04/2023 20:16

No, he most certainly is not an amazing dad, he is crazy. Going to bloody McDonalds is hardly the treat of the century and should just be a quick trip and fast meal. He makes it into something far more complicated.

Offthexmaslist · 26/04/2023 20:19

I think we need a quick game of first wife bingo don't you ?

You knew he had kids when you married him.

First children come first.

You OBVIOUSLY hate you DSC (despite showing clearly
That she doesn't)

You are OBVIOUSLY jealous of your husbands close relationship with his children from first marriage. (Whilst showing clearly that she doesn't)

He is a great dad (when only considering dsc and ignoring dc feelings)

I was a step child and I would have loved my dad to be so committed (and dismissive of my half siblings)

Me first ... I'm pretty sure Sj07 might be nearly at a full house ..

NessieMcNessface · 26/04/2023 20:23

So many comments; it’s all been said pretty much. My view is that it’s a totally ridiculous and unsustainable situation, that I’m afraid I just could not tolerate. OP you are amazing to be coping as well as you are! Your DH needs counselling or at least some sort of support as he’s not behaving rationally. I feel for you.

CM1897 · 26/04/2023 20:32

The people saying ‘50/50 should be enough’, obviously don’t understand that the ‘norm’ is for parents to live in the same house as their child and see them every day.

I bet many of the mums on here do live with their children full time and are just saying this flippantly, but have no real understanding of how really it feels to only have your child 50% of the time.

I have 50/50 care of my 12 year old daughter and it doesn’t feel natural to me at all, but it’s the arrangement she wanted. I would take every single opportunity to have extra time with her, even if it is just to McDonald’s. Maybe OP’s partner feels the same and there is nothing wrong with that, they are only children once

CM1897 · 26/04/2023 20:33

mydogisthebest · 26/04/2023 20:16

No, he most certainly is not an amazing dad, he is crazy. Going to bloody McDonalds is hardly the treat of the century and should just be a quick trip and fast meal. He makes it into something far more complicated.

Crazy for wanting to see his child as much as possible? Wow

raincamepouringdown · 26/04/2023 20:42

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 10:43

Yes. He has literally said the words he doesn't think making a Sunday dinner for 3 is worth it.

Show quote history

I'd say very bluntly that you'll be cooking Sunday dinners for two if he doesn't stop this nonsense. He's hurting you and your child, his youngest, with his behaviour.

MeetMyCat · 26/04/2023 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at OP's request

This

Enid7 · 26/04/2023 20:56

You sound resentful, their his kids maybe he would like to have them more than 50:50 , maybe he misses them and enjoys the mundane small things to be included with them, not just about the you and your shared child together and never will be.

MeetMyCat · 26/04/2023 21:00

yanbu - it sounds as if he thinks his "real life" only happens when you, he and his 3 kids are all together, and the rest of the time is just a holding position in between.

@Rhythmisadancer totally agree

EarthFireAirWater · 26/04/2023 21:18

Are you sure it's only guilt and not trying to one up his ex? 'Look kids! Look how fun and cool it's spending time with daddy! I am taking you to xyz, aren't I the best parent ever?'
If he was just missing his kids so so much why not take them food shopping. You still get to spend time together but then you aren't the 'fun' parent I suppose...

Also to the posters saying it must be so hard for him to only see his kids 50% of the time. Well...what about his ex? She sees her kids even less because he keeps interfering with her 50% of the time!

To the posters that say he is an amazing father because he keeps requesting extra time. By default then you are implying his ex is a shit mother because she doesn't constantly phone the H and the OP to take the kids away on their days.

Notamum12345577 · 26/04/2023 21:26

firsttimemum1230 · 26/04/2023 08:13

I hate this too my child’s dad has his son every other weekend but sees him Wednesday and Sunday every week regardless and it bugs me because he literally will still give our weekend up as me my daughter and him to his son with no thought to my child. His son doesn’t go to bed until 1-2am he sits in the living room with us ans it’s just hard so I feel your pain and you did do the right thing in putting your foot down

He has/sees his son 4-5 days out of 14, and you think that is too much?

Notamum12345577 · 26/04/2023 21:27

Notamum12345577 · 26/04/2023 21:26

He has/sees his son 4-5 days out of 14, and you think that is too much?

Show quote history

Sorry, meant to say 6-7 days out of 14

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 26/04/2023 21:39

Have read most, but not the full thread, so sorry if I've missed this -

OP? What do weekends when the DSC are with you look like? Do you all go out together? Or does he take the older two out alone?

Does he ever take your shared child out on his own? To the park? Swimming? For a ride on their scooter? Anything at all?

I can see why this would bother you, and it would absolutely hurt my feeling if I was in your shoes - the feeling that your family unit doesn't deserve anything 'nice' unless the DSC are there.

CherryYoga · 26/04/2023 21:40

I would understand if he wanted to take them to the zoo maybe even a movie maaayybbee. But just to get mcdonald’s? That’s a bit over the top.

You just feel like you can never truly relax. . You are not being unreasonable. I do understand his feelings but he is making you miserable for the sake of his feelings.

hourbyhour101 · 26/04/2023 22:10

Enid7 · 26/04/2023 20:56

You sound resentful, their his kids maybe he would like to have them more than 50:50 , maybe he misses them and enjoys the mundane small things to be included with them, not just about the you and your shared child together and never will be.

Politely but really ? 🙄 yer I think most people would be annoyed by not being able to grab a quick McDonald's instead having to wait until mum answers phone and having to wait a hour with a grumpy toddler for there DSC to finish whatever needs doing (homework other activities) to dammed well have a burger.

If I was mum I would be furious that my time was being invaded by dad tbh.

Also I don't see my Dd full time as I split with her dad. I could feel guilty and allow her to eat all the sugar stay up until 2am like the toddler sugar caving addict she would be (if she had her own way) and think ahh well might as well.

Sounds odd doesn't it ? Because for a mum people would be horrified at a mum doing that.

And people are on here giving dad a golden star for effectively giving himself a emotional cuddle and the ability to call him self "the fun one". But it's hardly the gold top of parenting is it.

To me op doesn't sound resentfu, which is credit to her because I would be resentful in her shoes or in mums shoes.

pizzaHeart · 26/04/2023 22:35

It must be really frustrating for you and your joint DC. it’s like your are not allowed to have any kind of family fun together and joint memories. Of course you can just take your DC somewhere on your own but why should you?
I have one DC myself but lots of friends have 2 or 3, no one behaves like your DH. Lots of them will go for a walk with their youngest and get an ice cream or pop to the cinema while older sibling/s are busy with something else. it’s normal.
The roast comment is absolutely ridiculous.

funinthesun19 · 26/04/2023 22:40

If I was mum I would be furious that my time was being invaded by dad tbh.

Same! All because he can’t bear to go to McDonald’s without his older DC. If I was the mum I’d be telling him no. DC has eaten, they’re doing homework and they’re having a bath/ relaxing before bed. Now buzz off.

hourbyhour101 · 26/04/2023 22:50

funinthesun19 · 26/04/2023 22:40

If I was mum I would be furious that my time was being invaded by dad tbh.

Same! All because he can’t bear to go to McDonald’s without his older DC. If I was the mum I’d be telling him no. DC has eaten, they’re doing homework and they’re having a bath/ relaxing before bed. Now buzz off.

Honestly I would literally get the rage on. I'm glad it's not just me !

Actually I did get the rage on and he did sulk. Funnily enough my Dd was happier without being picked up and put down every 10 seconds.

Who wants to be the parent to deny their kid sugar/McDonald's ect esp when they don't have to deal with the sugar crash after.

I find it so odd people are saying aww that's nice. It.would.give.me.the RAGE

And only would a man be seen as a Uber good dad for doing this. Mum would be judged for not cooking homemade meal from scratch 😵‍💫 (excuse my ranting but my god !!)

Olive19741205 · 26/04/2023 23:06

CM1897 · 26/04/2023 20:32

The people saying ‘50/50 should be enough’, obviously don’t understand that the ‘norm’ is for parents to live in the same house as their child and see them every day.

I bet many of the mums on here do live with their children full time and are just saying this flippantly, but have no real understanding of how really it feels to only have your child 50% of the time.

I have 50/50 care of my 12 year old daughter and it doesn’t feel natural to me at all, but it’s the arrangement she wanted. I would take every single opportunity to have extra time with her, even if it is just to McDonald’s. Maybe OP’s partner feels the same and there is nothing wrong with that, they are only children once

Do you ring your ex up when your DD is with him and take time with his DD away from him? If not, why not?

OnNaturesCourse · 26/04/2023 23:46

I grew up with a father like this. I was from the "first family". It was a fantastic experience growing up. When my father met his "second family" which included stepchildren I never felt left out. All the children grew up really close and have remained as such as adults.

My father didn't have set days with us really, I believe it was meant to be two weekends out of the month but was always more. He would often turn up and take us out for the day, or a meal out if they were going. Everything was as a family.

My mother was happy with this as it went both ways. She had her own second family with stepchildren too. She'd often pick me up from my father's when she was going somewhere.

Growing up I never seen it as two families. To me it was one big family. Still to this day my mother and father are friends.

My Mother always said "ask the kids, it's their choice" when it came to swapping days or going to events etc.

If your DP is asking his children and they want to go with their Dad and rest of the family then they should be allowed to go regardless of if it is his time with them or not. Same goes should their mother ask when they are at your house. It's all give and take in a blended family. Unfortunately that sometimes means things take longer, or seem harder, or are more difficult to plan but ultimately these are things you put up with for the children.

Regarding the not making a big meal when the whole family wasn't going to be there... So what. I'll assume you all still ate, it just wasn't a big fancy dinner? It's not a case of "your" child not being special enough it's a case of your DP missing his other children. I understand why you may feel like your child is not good enough in the situation but I honestly feel like you are being a little bit over sensative and protective.

You need to discuss this with you DP in depth and put some plan in place you both agree on as your current situation and feelings do not sound good or healthy.

CherryYoga · 26/04/2023 23:50

OnNaturesCourse · 26/04/2023 23:46

I grew up with a father like this. I was from the "first family". It was a fantastic experience growing up. When my father met his "second family" which included stepchildren I never felt left out. All the children grew up really close and have remained as such as adults.

My father didn't have set days with us really, I believe it was meant to be two weekends out of the month but was always more. He would often turn up and take us out for the day, or a meal out if they were going. Everything was as a family.

My mother was happy with this as it went both ways. She had her own second family with stepchildren too. She'd often pick me up from my father's when she was going somewhere.

Growing up I never seen it as two families. To me it was one big family. Still to this day my mother and father are friends.

My Mother always said "ask the kids, it's their choice" when it came to swapping days or going to events etc.

If your DP is asking his children and they want to go with their Dad and rest of the family then they should be allowed to go regardless of if it is his time with them or not. Same goes should their mother ask when they are at your house. It's all give and take in a blended family. Unfortunately that sometimes means things take longer, or seem harder, or are more difficult to plan but ultimately these are things you put up with for the children.

Regarding the not making a big meal when the whole family wasn't going to be there... So what. I'll assume you all still ate, it just wasn't a big fancy dinner? It's not a case of "your" child not being special enough it's a case of your DP missing his other children. I understand why you may feel like your child is not good enough in the situation but I honestly feel like you are being a little bit over sensative and protective.

You need to discuss this with you DP in depth and put some plan in place you both agree on as your current situation and feelings do not sound good or healthy.

If you were in the step parents situation and every little detail was being massively delayed and became a very stressful run around though I’m very certain you would change your tune immediately. I am not a step parent. Other people shouldn’t suffer for your sake. I’m glad your parents both got along and articulated visits well. That is fantastic. But not everyy little thing needs to be a huge debacle.

BadNomad · 26/04/2023 23:50

The woman just wanted to grab a quick easy dinner after a tiring day.

Codlingmoths · 26/04/2023 23:51

I would sit him down and talk. I understand you love your older dc. I have a partner and one child and am starting to feel we have both made a huge mistake. You in having a child who you cannot be here for, you cannot concentrate on doing something with them becasue they aren’t their siblings. You literally tell them it is not worth cooking dinner just for tbem, that they are not worth time and effort. You tell me the same thing. Our children will all grow up and move out and then you will be left with me, so I guess you will never cook dinner again? My mistake was getting into a relationship and having a child with someone who is going to be a bad father to them. I won’t let my child feel like this anymore. If you will never go anywhere with them, if you won’t even cook a Sunday roast or want me to if it’s just your crappy child and your crappy wife who aren’t worth any of your time then I need you to leave. I need to protect my child from being constantly told by one of the most important figures in their life that they aren’t enough. And for me I deserve someone who thinks I’m enough too. Perhaps you should go out for a few hours and think about it because I’m very very serious