I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

I'm guessing DSC mother doesn't call to intrude on your 50% of time with dsc by picking them up and taking them places.

I think a conversation about boundaries needs to happen;does he not see your joint child as his also?

That is 100% within her control. If she didn't want this set up, she is an adult who is able to communicate and say no. Not all parents want to use all their custody time. Some are happy for the other parent to do more. She isn't losing time. She is choosing to give it up.

But it’s just making every event awkward and time consuming.

I bet it just makes you think it’s not worth the hassle sometimes OP and so your own DC miss out. I absolutely love having 1-2-1 time with my kids.

This is totally OTT and just making everything into a fuss.

If you love to cook, go for it. If OP wants to make a raost every week, she too should go for it. However for me and others if you are going to go to all that work and money and time - I want as any people to enjoy it as possible. Better return on my investment!

Well, I’m with you OP and would find this behaviour incredibly irritating.

I think you need to talk to him about his guilt and how to deal with it as that’s what’s presumably driving this behaviour.

Something must be an underlying cause of this behaviour, which seems strange to me. No idea what though. It is almost akin to a family without step children where dad does not want to do something with only one of the children.

Anyway @SimpleSimple my advice is a sit down chat where you spell out the message he is sending his youngest child and the potential harm that could do. If he continues with his fuckwittery, the next time he does it say 'we have discussed this. If you do not want to come to wherever without dsc then I will go with our child alone' until he gets it and do it every single time. Then when your child is old enough to understand, tell them the truth. That dad feels enormous guilt over dsc, never let them think they are not enough.

I am not saying he is trying to recreate a nuclear family. I am just saying I doubt the youngest is sat in a corner like a toy waiting to be picked up when the older kids arrive. Many posters seem to be under the impression that he does nothing with the younger child and doesn't parent him or enjoy him or love him and has just set him aside in favour of the other two. I'm saying that is unlikely to be the reality and the two of them may have a great relationship with many close moments.

It is posible they had to work around his naps when he was younger and as he gets older and into activities they may have to work aroud that too. They may have to wait for the youngest to finish t-ball before going to maccies for dinner rather than just spontaneously going out as soon as they want it. Will OP say oh just leave youngest, it would be a fuss to wait for him. If you and the kids want maccies right now, you should just go and we will meet you at home - or should dad and the older kids wait until youngest is done and then they all go together? With multiple kids, waiting a bit for someone isn't that unusual.

If you and the kids want maccies right now, you should just go and we will meet you at home - or should dad and the older kids wait until youngest is done and then they all go together? With multiple kids, waiting a bit for someone isn't that unusual

I disagree, if my child was elsewhere for the night (like at their grandparents for example) like DSC are with their mum then no, I wouldn't expect DH to wait until we've collected our younger child from wherever they were before being allowed to go and get an impromptu McDonald's with DSC. Id think it ridiculous tbh.

If DSC are with us that evening then yes we'd all go together, but I think it's just a bit silly to do so when they are at their mum's house.

Nope. It is actually good for the children not to borrow them from the other parent at pleasure. They also need to have time with their other parent and respect their routines at home.

That's the bit you need to nip in the bud before your child understands that Dad thinks it's worthless just doing stuff with them and it's only worthwhile if their half siblings are there.
Imagine KNOWING because he keeps telling you that you don't really count or matter, it's the first ones who do, you were just something to placate your mother with.

The thing is if your DC was at grandmas 50% of the time all the time and you weren't seeing them for multiple days to a week at a time, you might feel differently. You might think I miss them and want to go get them for a quick dinner. It might be worth it to you to drive out of your way a bit to see your child if you haven't seen them in days.

@MrsJBaptiste · Today 12:56

But it isn't really, especially as one is a pre-schooler so you're only really cooking for 2 people.

So ops child should live on baked beans on toast and cheese sandwiches unless his siblings are round cos it's not really worth bothering for him? What do single people do if it's not worth cooking for 2.5 eaters?

I disagree. I have friends that live a street apart and their kids go back and forth at will and they love it. They have a loosely scheduled his week / her week but if the kids wants to sleep or eat at the other house, that is fine. If they need to go get clothes or they left their sport uniform in the dryer or mom is more help with math homework - they just to the that house. They both have sport practices during the same week and often on the same days and so dad takes one kid and mom the other. The kids have full access to both homes and both parents are still full time parents - even though they are not together. Both parents are remarried (but no other kids). It works great and everyone is very amicable. There is no fighting over a specific schedule or being a 50% parent.

It's also incredibly selfish to think that your kids need to see you more than their coparent and that your 2 yo doesn't really have needs that matter.

If he doesn't want 50/50 custody, if he thinks the kdis are better of with him, he should go to Court and fight for it

He sounds like a lovely Dad and he’s trying to do everything he can to ensure he doesn’t ever get accused of leaving his first child out. I can see your point and see why it’s irritating, but I kind of think that’s what you signed-up for when you started dating a man with a child.

I also get his point about the Sunday lunch, I wouldn’t bother doing a big roast if it was just me, DH and a pre-schooler.

You need better technique. Roast beef works just as well if it's one pounds worth rather than three or four. Just get it well browned to start with, then continue at low heat in oven and let it rest properly in foil. Roast chicken - I was taught long ago, counterintuitively, that the smaller the bird, the hotter the oven so breast and legs both come our well. Young bird, oven at 230, perfect for 2-3. Braised meats, no issue whatsoever. Mashed potatoes, no issue - less peeling for less people.

Baked beans on toast? Have you seen the cost of Heinz.

Feed them gruel.

YANBU

It's nice your DH is so involved with DSC though 🙂

Op, to get honest what I find more difficult to see is how you can provide age appropriate activities for all the children with such age gap. I suppose that if you do something that your toddler may enjoy the other ones get bored or your child likes and wants may be ignored if you are doing an activity more suitable for older children.

There are a few options on how to go about this:

1. You insist on doing simple things alone as a couple with your youngest when they the SC are with their mum to ensure you can provide age appropriate activities for the younger one.

2. You wait 2 years and his children might prefer to spend time with their friends, the XBox or near to their friends.

3. You start doing things alone with your child so he has the chance to be with children his age doing thing children his age enjoy. He can do the same with his kids so you both have one to one time with your children.

Personally, the one that has worked better for me is 3… or ending the relationship as I was fed up of my child being ALWAYS at the end of the queue to alleviate the guilt of an adult.

If he wants a tea out with both of his children then he should have arranged it in advance.

Not grab the opportunity at 6pm when his child is with their mum and probably already had their tea/ is doing homework/ in the bath etc..

Add to that, OP who just wants to get on with having tea without ringing the ex, then picking up, dropping off again, etc..

But they spend 50% of their time with their dad and brother. They are choosing to spend 'extra' time with OP...your theory doesn't add up. Multiple people have told you this but I've a feeling you're one of those people who can't back down when you're wrong.😂

Swap out biological children for step-children and you can see the ridiculousness of this situation.

You could be out with a subset of biological children and decide to stop for McDonald’s because you are hungry and it is quick and easy. Do you first have to go and round up the other siblings so they can be included? That would defeat the purpose which was a quick, easy bite to eat so you could continue with your outing with the subset of biological children.

As long as your husband is free to take the occasional spontaneous trip to McDonald’s or for an ice cream or whatever little thing he wants with other subsets of children, including just his children, he shouldn’t feel pressure to go pick them up.

Just make sure he is getting that time with them without any other children. Even in intact families, it is important for parents to get time one-to-one or with smaller groups.

Only read the OPs posts.

I have no advice but I can understand what you are trying to say. I think you do need to put your foot down for these impromptu meals, park etc. He needs to start planning better if he wants all three children involved in a meal etc.

Does he do any planning regarding the children or is it mostly last minute?

Although well meaning it's sort of disruptive to everyone actually. My kids at that age and now wouldn't love random surprises in their downtime, they usually have things they want to do. Their mum might have planned a dinner already or be busy and have to drop everything to find coats and shoes etc and like you say you and your child have to wait whilst it all happens.

I'm divorced and kids go to their dads part of the week but it's ringfenced as their time with their dad, and I wouldn't dream of intruding in that time unless it was some massive treat or event. I think boundaries/predictability are important with separate houses/parenting.