I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

I think I get you @SimpleSimple

Like maybe you're getting at that he wouldn't for example go and fetch your child together from grandparent to go McDs all together - in the same way that he would fetch his older kids from their mums to do that - because maybe he might think he doesn't need to as your younger child gets him every day whereas his olders don't, so it's not as important to be seen to be doing that for younger, because youngers cup is already full with time from dad, so to speak?
Like maybe there's that thought process around it, rather than you suggesting that he doesnt love or care as much about your child, as some commenters have popped off at you?
But that will in time create some feelings and some questions in your younger child and in turn create a problem there and resentments with time, like maybe the overcompensation on the olders is going to make younger feel marginalised in time

Yeah, it sounds like he overthinks and overcompensates bc of guilt.

Yanbu.

My half sibling always had two Christmases, two birthdays, twice the presents, twice the number of holidays, twice the days out as he would go out with just him and his mum and then go everywhere with us too, twice the time we got. I always think its a way to 'make up for' not being a nuclear family or something. When really he was just spoiled rotten and seen both his parents far more than we did, as we had siblings and time shared between us all.

I'm not saying it wasn't shit for him having separated parents. I'm just saying he got a lot more/expected a lot more than we did.

By your own point her DH should prioritize his own children (of which he has 3). He is the parent of all 3 DC so in whateve way you think OP should prioritize her child, her DH should do the same for the DSC who are equally his children. His DC have a mother and a father and the father is trying to put them first as you say a parent should.

What if the mum has other children? Is he going to invite those children too? Why should she have to deal with her younger child being upset that their older sibling gets to go to McDonald’s at the last minute?

Yes this is exactly it thank you.

I'm trying to point out that this 'he just wants all the children together' isn't actually always the case because he wouldn't be as bothered in reverse, if it were our child elsewhere he wouldn't pull out all the stops to take them on an impromptu McDonald's trip.

I'm not saying that I would want him to do that.

And again, no I don't think he literally loves our child less. Just that he quite obviously feels more guilt surrounding DSC and that alters his behaviour regarding them in a way it doesn't with our child. Understandable? Possibly but okay? I don't always think so. And potentially hurtful to our child? Yes!

This sounds like something a third person needs to talk through with you - I mean counselling. I could see you breaking up over this otherwise.

Hello op.

I completely get where your coming from.
It sounds like he just wants to please everyone including himself but in reality yourself and your child end up coming out 2nd fiddle.
I don’t think it can’t be solved with a conversation between you both. But you need to be completely honest with him about everything and hopefully you will come up with a compromise that suits you both.
blended family’s are not easy at all and there needs to be compromise on all sides but your dh needs to realise he can’t please everyone all of the time.
hopefully your chat happens sooner rather then later so you can get past this!

LIkely there are some things that the youngest child does get that the oldest doesn't just from being there 7 days a week. There are benefits to living full time vs half time with a parent. Maybe youngest child has his dad tuck him in every night with a hug and a kiss, the other kids don't get that etc. I doubt the older kids get every single thing that the youngest gets even though they aren't there half the time so these extra bits of time with them are dad balancing out those benefits of a full time parent versus the limitations of a half time parent.

But if OP does think her son would be better off and beneift more if her DH was a 50% of the time father versus what she has now, she can make that decision

That is absolutely a fair point, however, he is separated from his eldest childrens mum. He chose to have another child with another woman. The fact is if he continues to act like this then it will damage his youngest mental health. That is just fact. Imagine knowing from a tiny age that just you isn't enough. God, my dad used to tell me that my arrival wrecked his dreams of moving to the States and that messed me up. The relationship we have with our parents growing up shapes us. He needs to do better with the youngest.

'it feels pointless to make it for just 3 people'

How rude.

Don't bother making another one.

Or tell him to make it, while also picking up his children, then dropping them off, or sorting out their school kit for the Monday.

How about the step-kids mum losing out on her time with them?

Why isn't that a concern?

I don't think it's unreasonable of him to want his DC around tbh. I couldn't imagine not being around my DC every day and tbh yes I can imagine it's the small things that would get to you. If he only lives a few minutes drive away I'm not sure it's accurate of you to describe it as a "massive fuss" and perhaps that's your general frustration speaking rather than it being true.

This sounds like a separate issue though. It's one thing to want your DC around yet quite another to make your family feel like normal happy family life isn't worth doing without the other DC. I suspect this is the real issue and it sounds like there's some existing tension between the two of you over this dynamic; it's worth an honest and non judgemental conversation IMO. Focus on how you feel rather than stating behaviours he's doing if that makes sense?

Or it makes the DSC's mum unto the bad guy when her ex calls 5 mins before dinner to see if his kid wants to come to McDonald's with him and she quite rightly says no. @Nanny0gg

It's not being a good father though , he is prioritising his want to see his children more often over the children's need to spend equal time with both parents.

This isn't a bad idea. Me and ex did mediation 10+ years ago after we split to help sort out time divided with regards to DS, extra arrangements for things like birthdays and holidays, establishing healthy and reasonable boundaries, etc. It definitely helped having a nuetral third party hear each of us out and come some way to meeting in the middle in a way that made all involved comfortable. Mediation is none legal, so it felt less aggressive and confrontational, but still felt real and serious enough to honour the arrangements we made in there, especially as they gave us the meetings on paper afterwards and our agreements were there in black and white for us to be reminded of.

to describe it as a "massive fuss" and perhaps that's your general frustration speaking rather than it being true.

What makes it a fuss isn't that they come. But there is typically always something that means waiting around. Can't get ex on phone straight away so 'lets just hang on and try her again in a bit' and then when you do get her it's usually something like 'we are just at their grandparents right now or hobby or doing homework, can you come for them in an hour' ect ect. It's never a case of jump in the car, pick them up within 10 mins and we're off. It is, as I said, a massive faff 9 times out of 10.

“I'm not sure it's accurate of you to describe it as a "massive fuss" and perhaps that's your general frustration speaking rather than it being true.”

OP has made it clear that the issue is not picking them up, but waiting for them to reply,,waiting for them to finish a hobby or homework or whatever and being in limbo for ages over what should have been a quick trip for a burger - meanwhile the young one will also be waiting for the park or for dinner and will need placating through the uncertainty.

X post!

And wanting to just continue on from nursery at 6pm and grab a quick burger turning into 'lets ring ex, let's turn around and go get DSC and have to drop them off again after' does turn just nipping out quickly into something it doesn't need to be.

Maybe youngest child has his dad tuck him in every night with a hug and a kiss, the other kids don't get that

Presumably the older kids had that with their dad while both their parents were still living together. And now they get their own mum doing it on days when dad isn’t around. If dad trying to replicate a nuclear family set up results in his youngest constantly having to wait a hour or more before doing anything that could be construed as even slightly treaty maybe the dad should have thought about that before separating from his ex and/or having another child.

Nobody should be "trumping" anyone.
He should be taking care of his shit and making decisions according to the life he actually has now rather than potentially making an arse of a second marriage and alienating his youngest child, who by the way doesn't deserve to be "trumped" by anyone.

yanbu - it sounds as if he thinks his "real life" only happens when you, he and his 3 kids are all together, and the rest of the time is just a holding position in between. Whereas his kids should all have a 50:50 sort of of life, and so should he. He shouldn't have got involved in this set-up if he can't hack it, and he shouldn't be sabotaging it for his kids.

So? I made a lovely Easter roast - goat kid shoulder with a wild garlic crust - for just me and my 88 yr old mum just recently. I suppose according to you I should have told her she wasn't worth it since we didn't have the whole extended family assembled.

AND a Dad… like he’s doing.

Good Lord. Any thoughts on his relationship with the youngest? Or you sticking with that?