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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

724 replies

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 08:04

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

OP posts:
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Original poster
SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 13:24

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:20

And yet if our younger child was spending the night with their grandparent and he decided to take DSC to McDonald's on a whim I can't imagine him insisting we must go and collect our child from their grandparents before they can go... Hmm.

ok so you’re saying here that essentially he loves your step children more than your child together.

and you say that your frustration is limited to fact that you can never do simple trips without inciting the step children? Hmm

No. In fact if you had read my posts you'd see I've already said I don't actually think he does think our child is less worthy or that he loves them less. Deep down I am aware that he adores our child too. But I do think the way he comes across with these things can be questionable and hurtful even if he doesn't actually mean it the way it sounds. I think his guilt surrounding not seeing DSC all the time causes him to be clumsy in the way he goes about things and be illogical in his attempts at making himself feel better and yes, often hurtful to me and DC too (although I don't think he intends to be).

OP posts:
Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:25

Yes you said said

but then you say you think he treats your child differently with the above quote and indeed fact that he thinks it’s pointless to have Sunday lunch with your child

so you contradict yourself

ifIwerenotanandroid · 26/04/2023 13:26

Rosula · 26/04/2023 13:23

Slow cooked small joints are brilliant. It doesn't take that long to roast potatoes, do a few veg and make gravy either.

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Yep. DH & I make fabulous roast dinners for just us, with a variety of meats. It's not hard, it's fun & it's a great meal. We don't regard each other as 'no one really'.🙄

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:26

And yet if our younger child was spending the night with their grandparent and he decided to take DSC to McDonald's on a whim I can't imagine him insisting we must go and collect our child from their grandparents before they can go... Hmm.

but he not saying anything here. You clearly think that the actual way he would behave would be to treat your child as a lesser being than your step children

Joystir59 · 26/04/2023 13:26

His relationship with and commitment to his children trump everything

Freefall212 · 26/04/2023 13:26

13Bastards · 26/04/2023 13:21

I assume DSC's mother doesn't call you up every time she takes her child out to McDonald's and invites yours along?

Her DH is inviting his own children.

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:27

How does he get on with his ex?

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:27

Freefall212 · 26/04/2023 13:26

Her DH is inviting his own children.

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Yes, that would be odd and irrelevant to this scenario

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:28

13Bastards · 26/04/2023 13:21

I assume DSC's mother doesn't call you up every time she takes her child out to McDonald's and invites yours along?

Do you honestly think that’s a relevant analogy?

Emotionalsupportviper · 26/04/2023 13:29

Olive19741205 · 26/04/2023 12:34

You are soooooo clearly another disney dad. 😂

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Yep!

13Bastards · 26/04/2023 13:30

I get that, but in the interests of everyone being equal and no one being left out like DH is after surely that's the logical explanation - include the half siblings in everything (sarcasm btw if that's not coming over on screen!)

It's bonkers, it's not fair on either of his kids and if I was the ex I would be pissed off as well as the OP.

I think his heart in in the right place, but he's cocking it up massively.

Original poster
SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 13:30

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:25

Yes you said said

but then you say you think he treats your child differently with the above quote and indeed fact that he thinks it’s pointless to have Sunday lunch with your child

so you contradict yourself

I'm not contradicting myself. You asked if I think he loves our child less. I've already answered that. No I actually don't. But I do think the way he acts sometimes is questionable and could be hurtful to our child even though I know deep down he doesn't intend to be.

OP posts:
Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:31

So the fact he wouldn’t suggest inviting your child if the tables were turned - means that he doesn’t favour them? 😐

Freefall212 · 26/04/2023 13:32

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 13:24

No. In fact if you had read my posts you'd see I've already said I don't actually think he does think our child is less worthy or that he loves them less. Deep down I am aware that he adores our child too. But I do think the way he comes across with these things can be questionable and hurtful even if he doesn't actually mean it the way it sounds. I think his guilt surrounding not seeing DSC all the time causes him to be clumsy in the way he goes about things and be illogical in his attempts at making himself feel better and yes, often hurtful to me and DC too (although I don't think he intends to be).

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And some of the things you about his kids may be hurtful to him (even if you don't intend it that way). You are making attempts to carve out a family within a family and he sees his kids and you as one family - given your different views of who is part of your family - there are going to be hurt feelings on both sides.

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:32

SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 13:30

I'm not contradicting myself. You asked if I think he loves our child less. I've already answered that. No I actually don't. But I do think the way he acts sometimes is questionable and could be hurtful to our child even though I know deep down he doesn't intend to be.

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Did he go on to make the roast for just the three of you following what he said

SugarSyrup · 26/04/2023 13:33

The more you post the more I completely disagree with you- I actually can't believe you're complaining that he's too much of a good dad!

Brefugee · 26/04/2023 13:34

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:27

Yes, that would be odd and irrelevant to this scenario

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only slightly odd. In that it would be making sure that when the older siblings go to McD the younger comes too. Which is exactly what the dad is insisting on but the other way round.

It is perfectly normal to do things at different times with different children. Even when they all live under the same roof.

Original poster
SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 13:34

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 13:26

And yet if our younger child was spending the night with their grandparent and he decided to take DSC to McDonald's on a whim I can't imagine him insisting we must go and collect our child from their grandparents before they can go... Hmm.

but he not saying anything here. You clearly think that the actual way he would behave would be to treat your child as a lesser being than your step children

Yes I don't think he would feel as guilty about doing these things in reverse i.e. leaving our child out of a McDonald's, But that's not because I genuinely think he loves our child less. I just think he's clumsy / illogical / hypocritical whatever you want to call it, in the way he behaves and is blinded by the guilt he feels so much so that he can't see sometimes when he's doing so.

So no, I don't think he loves our child any less. But that also doesn't make the way he behaves less potentially hurtful.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 26/04/2023 13:36

“So no, I don't think he loves our child any less. But that also doesn't make the way he behaves less potentially hurtful.”

exactly! DH loves both our kids, but sometimes he’s a wally who teases the younger one a bit too much and hurts him. Behaviour and intention are not the same, but behaviour hurts.

Freefall212 · 26/04/2023 13:37

ifIwerenotanandroid · 26/04/2023 13:26

Yep. DH & I make fabulous roast dinners for just us, with a variety of meats. It's not hard, it's fun & it's a great meal. We don't regard each other as 'no one really'.🙄

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I guess I just don't love spending the morning in the kitchen that much. If my husband wanted to cook one - go for it. But if he expected me to make him a roast dinner every week to show him he is worth my effort...tough luck! He will have to feel worthless.

Original poster
SimpleSimple · 26/04/2023 13:37

Freefall212 · 26/04/2023 13:37

I guess I just don't love spending the morning in the kitchen that much. If my husband wanted to cook one - go for it. But if he expected me to make him a roast dinner every week to show him he is worth my effort...tough luck! He will have to feel worthless.

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Again... It's not about the meal itself.

OP posts:
Isthatarealname · 26/04/2023 13:38

It's definitely a guilt thing.

I wouldn't think twice about nipping for McDonalds with only one of my kids, it all evens out eventually.

CruCru · 26/04/2023 13:38

Out of nosiness, what happens if you decide to go somewhere with your child and let him know that's what you're doing? Like, you just pick them up and pretty much walk out the door? Does he say "Oh no, we need to check whether DSC are free?" In that case, I'd be tempted to keep walking.

Make plans with your child and some other people.

Wheresthebeach · 26/04/2023 13:39

My DH was a bit similar, if his kids weren't around/involved it was a bit of 'why bother'. What changed was sitting down and saying that we can't live a life where nothing nice happens unless all the kids are involved. It's just not possible. The kids do great things with their Mum, and we want them to enjoy those things. Equally we need to be able to enjoy stuff when they're not around without drama. This is what happens when parents split up - it's hard - they have to learn to enjoy events without their kids since they no longer have them 100% of the time. If every simple plan is complicated by phone calls, waiting around, and pickup/drop offs it's just a nightmare.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 26/04/2023 13:43

Irritateandunreasonable · 26/04/2023 13:18

Will you actually come out and say that the youngest doesn't matter?

Umm, no, why would I say that? I’m not hinting at that at all, the suggestion is so obviously ridiculous. Are you making an (incorrect) assumption about my view on it?

I just don’t think the youngest is more important, many parents who take on SC seem to think their DC should take priority. I wonder what her DHs view on all this would be?

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Parents who take on dsc SHOULD prioritise their dc. Why on earth wouldn't they? The dsc have two parents. Why on earth do they need to be prioritised by a third? We know what her DH's view is... there is no point in cooking a sunday meal if the dsc aren't there. Tbh I'm judging the OP abit for not ripping him a new arsehole when he made that comment, unless you did OP and I've missed it. The OP's priority should be her own child, the dac have their own mother to put them first.