I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Bravo, Squid!

@Freefall212 one assumes that, if this particular 3/4 year old didn’t eat roasts, the OP would have said so. Mine loved them from the second they were old enough 😀

He is actually greatly disrupting his older children's and ex's routines if he is doing 'spur of the moment' events. He should stick to his 50/50 arrangement. OR - he should never have ''left'' his children by the divorce in the first place. Perhaps ask if you can move further away so this annoying behaviour is not possible. Your own child is in day care for very long hours (7.30 am - 6 pm) and a lot younger so may start to feel neglected if this behaviour continues.

What if they say ‘yes. Actually, you aren’t allowed to do anything nice without us. That’s unfair’?

It’s a ridiculous suggestion because no one should be in any way implying to the children that they get to decide this stuff.

This thread shouldn’t be under step parenting

it should be under relationships

and the thread title “I generally don’t like and want to be with my husband for a multiple of reasons”

And despite the comments on this thread, few pre schoolers are gourmet foodies who get upset if they don’t have a full roast dinner on Sundays

It's really not about the actual dinner, obviously. It's the comment that it's pointless/not worth it if it's just me and our child. Our child doesn't need to be desperate for a Sunday dinner to find that general attitude hurtful as they get older and more aware especially.

He is being really unreasonable to ALL of you.

The Ex - Its intrusive for his ex to have him just calling randomly during her time and throwing her plans out the window.

The StepChildren - It’s not great for his eldest DC as they’ll never know whether they are coming or going. As PP mentioned he’s giving the impression there is something they are missing out on by doing this with every little thing. It’s damaging to them. What if he doesn’t call one week will they worry that he’s done something nice but just not included them. Do they feel guilty for going with dad on mums time. There is a whole host of issues here.

The Shared child - he’s seriously risking damaging his relationship and their self esteem with this. Whether he means to or not he’s saying to this child that he isn’t enough for him. He’s not worthy of his dads time or treats out. These are only to be done if step siblings are involved. That is just poor parenting. It will also cause resentment amongst the children as they grow I’d imagine.

You - it’s shitty you can’t go get your young child at 6pm (an HOUR before their bedtime) and exhausted from work and decide to grab a quick fast food meal to make the evening easier for you all without it turning into a lengthy negotiation and communication scenario.

From posts it’s clear you are happy to include your DSC whenever you can and when is appropriate. So holidays big days out etc factor them in but routine nipping to McDonalds is a step too far.

I mean did you actually literally mean you couldn’t take your shared child to the PARK without him asking DSC to come too? Like on the weekend or after school on a sunny evening you couldn’t just say let’s get DC some energy burnt off at the park before bedtime. Or let’s have a family bike ride tonight before dinner. Or let’s stop for an ice cream on the way home from the supermarket. I mean he surely doesn’t expect any of those to always need to include DSC when they are at their mums?? That’s not sane. Something like “let’s go to the big fun swimming pool an hour away” or “let’s go to that air show” or “let’s go to the big science centre” would be more understandable to either plan on their time with you or ask if they can come on mums time. Even then really sometimes it’ll just need to be okay to take your shared dc to places without the dsc esp as they get older. (or is your child suppose to constantly miss out on age appropriate outings with his parents because the step children are past that particular stage of childhood and don’t want to go?)

god that would annoy me.
I have 2 DC and have even been on holiday with one without the other (i later went with the other and there were no issues about it, it just wasn't possible to take both at that time)

Make a list. Things you do with DSC when they are with you. Things DSC do without their sibling (your joint DC) when they aren't with you.

Then tell him to get over himself. Or next time, tell him to go home, and you go out with your DC.

I've not said I don't like him. This is one situation that I find irritating and hurtful. There are plenty of things I like about him too. Nor have I said I don't want to be with him. I'll choose where to post my thread thank you.

I don't think I have anything more to add other than to say I hear you.

Will you actually come out and say that the youngest doesn't matter?

Umm, no, why would I say that? I’m not hinting at that at all, the suggestion is so obviously ridiculous. Are you making an (incorrect) assumption about my view on it?

I just don’t think the youngest is more important, many parents who take on SC seem to think their DC should take priority. I wonder what her DHs view on all this would be?

No she can cook if she wants.

We usually only do big dinners that take ages to prep and cook and clean up when everyone is home or having guests. If the kids are away I actually love not having to make meals! But if she wants to make herself a roast dinner she can. Hard to find a small roast for one or two people, small cuts of meat dry out in the oven. But I never do a big meal for just one or two so maybe there are options. I don’t know as the last thing I want to do is spend my day cooking if there is no one really to eat it.

This is a great comment 👏

I don't need to read them. I wrote them.

If I was the mother I would say no to the majority of spontaneous outings especially dinner if I had meal planned and cooked. I would be really annoyed if he went to them with the offer first. My ex will arrange the cinema or whatever on my nights but in advance etc he also used to take my older son/s if it was something they’d also enjoy. All arranged in advance. He also invited us all to Sunday dinner, it’s very relaxed co parenting however we do have boundaries - asking in advance etc.

I sometimes take my older son for hot choc and cake without the 2 younger ones, I also take the 2 younger ones for McDonald’s without the 2 older. They also go with their dad places that my older kids don’t go to. Kids need to learn they don’t always get to do everything, surely their mother takes them out too? Is that unfair on your child…no! No more than doing something with your child alone with their parents is not unfair on his siblings.

He needs to let go of the guilt no one is being hard done by. Life isn’t all about nice meals, outings etc there needs to be downtime and staying in and not having dad rushing over to fill some guilty void!! It would drive me mad too op, I think his heart is in the right place it’s his language and way of going about things that needs work!

Oh. Didn’t quite mean it literally but I apologise for misjudging it. I will try to be clearer.

On any interpretation, when the steps are with their mum youngest is regularly having to wait for meals, hang around while they get ready etc, which will have a knock-on effect in terms of his regular routine. His dad is also setting up a situation where, consciously or subconsciously, they are going to stop doing nice spontaneous things the weeks when his siblings aren't there. At some point he is going to notice that his parents make less effort the weeks when he is on his own than they do when the steps are there, and that won't make for a good relationship.

We know what her DH's issue on all of this...that is precisely the issue!

And yet if our younger child was spending the night with their grandparent and he decided to take DSC to McDonald's on a whim I can't imagine him insisting we must go and collect our child from their grandparents before they can go... Hmm.

ok so you’re saying here that essentially he loves your step children more than your child together.

and you say that your frustration is limited to fact that you can never do simple trips without inciting the step children? Hmm

Sorry, can you reword that?

I assume DSC's mother doesn't call you up every time she takes her child out to McDonald's and invites yours along?

but maybe OP should insist she does - just to show how fucking daft it is.

Slow cooked small joints are brilliant. It doesn't take that long to roast potatoes, do a few veg and make gravy either.

I doubt he meant it in the way OP has taken it. He doesn’t sound like that kind of man to me.