I just want to be able to leave my house for a SIMPLE journey FFS!

[SimpleSimple]

My husband has a habit of basically anywhere we go, wanting to invite DSC. I get it for bigger things (although we do have them 50:50 and make sure to do things when they are here too) but it's even tiny silly things and everything then has to turn into a big thing of collecting, dropping off, waiting for them to finish X hobby before we can go or whatever. They live about a 10 minute drive away and providing they aren't out themselves doing something their mum is basically always fine for us to go and get them and take them out and drop them back off.

Anyway, we had a big of an argument last night because we went to collect our child from pre school at about 6pm and both agreed we'd not had the day for going home and cooking so we said how about a spontaneous McDonald's trip. We were just pulling out from preschool when he starts with the 'can I just ring ex and ask if DSC want to come' and I lost it (not shouting or anything) and said 'can we just go on a simple McDonalds trip without having to mess around picking up, dropping off, waiting for them to finish XYZ before we can go'. It's McDonald's for goodness sake, not a five star holiday.

It's not that we never go to McDonald's either, we do so it's not some massive treat that DSC never ever get.

I can't stand it. The feeling like we can't ever just nip out somewhere that might be considered even remotely good or fun or a treat without first ringing around, waiting, picking up, dropping off etc etc.

I want to be sympathetic because I know it must be hard not to see you children as much as you'd like but for goodness sake it just gets stupid. I'm then accused of not wanting to see them blah blah.

And before anyone asks, if my child was elsewhere for the night yes I absolutely would take my other child to McDonald's without waiting for or going to collect the other!

Sure 😂

YANBU OP.

It’s utterly infuriating and just ends up complicating everything.
Ive had this to some extent with DH and the SC “There’s no point in doing this / that without them here”. Thanks 🙄

This was my point as well and I assume they have family on they're mother's side they might want to visit. If it was my kids though given the choice between a home cooked meal and McDonald's they would want the home cooked meal. They do have McDonald's but only if we want to grab something quick.

This sounds incredibly frustrating OP. Apologies if I’ve missed it, but does DSC Mum do the same? As in, does she regularly ask to have the kids when they are with you because she is going out for tea or whatever?

I feel like a lot of responses on this thread are bringing their own emotional baggage to the table. Yeah, it's nice that this guy isn't a deadbeat who abandoned his DC when his marriage ended, but is that seriously the only bar to being a good dad? How depressing.

This would drive me up the wall, OP. It's not fair on any of the kids, you, or the stepkids mum.

That's so sad @Lachimolala, your poor dc. Some people are very odd about their "first born" being special, especially if it is a boy.

But it isn't really, especially as one is a pre-schooler so you're only really cooking for 2 people.

Omg lol. I don’t know how to prove it to you but I find that so funny.

Funnily enough people do have different opinions and thought processes to yourself.

You need to sit down and have a talk with your husband , tell him that when it’s your time it’s your time ! When it’s step kids time, it’s their time !

If it was my kids though given the choice between a home cooked meal and McDonald's they would want the home cooked meal

Thats probably one of the most Mumsnetty things Ive ever heard 😂

Do preschoolers not count as people? Or did you take an alarmingly delayed approach to weaning?

To be with their dad and half brother 😐

You mean he sounds like an amazing dad to his eldest 2? He's a thoughtless one at best to his youngest. Will you actually come out and say that the youngest doesn't matter? It's always hinted at on the step parenting board but no one ever has the balls to come out and say it.

Yeah I agree with you. Bigger stuff then absolutely, but little things like taking the baby to the park or nipping out for tea does not need to be a family affair. If it was to somewhere special then lovely, arrange it in advance and invite them along, or if it’s last minute and they’d been desperate to go to a particular place maybe don’t go there and pick somewhere else for that night and wait until you can all go to the first place together. But in this case it sounds like McDonalds isn’t a particularly special one off in your family and it was purely for easy sustenance. How far can it really go? Does it stretch to fish and chips? Subway? What’s the level of acceptance? If you’ve been out for the day (obviously doing something he didn’t see as imperative to bring everyone along to) and decide to call for dinner somewhere what would happen then? Need to call, wait until they are ready, collect them and then drive back to it again? Or if it was too far out for that would it have to be somewhere ‘boring’ s as he couldn’t invite them? There has to be a line of what’s acceptable and it sounds like you are sensitive to everyone’s needs and feelings. Maybe he needs to have a chat with the kids and ask them if they’d be hurt if he had dinner outside the house when they were with their mum. Bet he’d be surprised at the response.

As much as anything else, op’s child is a pre schooler, finishing day care at 6pm and in bed by 7pm. There just isn’t time to faff about phoning up and waiting for older kids etc, it impacts the little one’s bedtime, which is unfair.

Bet when dsc was a pre schooler they counted as a mouth to feed.

ffs. A father’s second don’t even count a person at the table now. This is a first for MN.

My child still eats and enjoys nice food 😂

Why on earth does he need permission from his children?!? And if they say no his wife and other child just sit and home and wait 7 days before it's acceptable to go out again?

Maybe he needs to have a chat with the kids and ask them if they’d be hurt if he had dinner outside the house when they were with their mum I mean if he even has to ask this there's something very wrong

YANBU

I don't think either of you are wrong, he sounds like a great dad wanting to spend as much time as possible with all his children, that can be rare.
However I do see your side of it and appreciate the faff involved and the desire for a simple life sometimes. Ringing up on a random day after school to go McDs seems a bit daft.

I myself have a DS from a previous relationship, split up very shortly after he was born and his dad wanted him all the time for nearly 10 years. Then he remarried and had a new baby and his interest in our son fell off a cliff. Now DS is 13 and his dad hasn't had him for any extra time outside of his fortnightly weekends in 4 years. I know it bothers DS and I know he's noticed and feels a certain way about it, it just has to be my job now to help him through that, listen to him and support him. Maybe your DH is trying to overcompensate in an attempt to avoid similar such feelings in his older children?
I too have remarried and have a 5 year old and I want to point out that in agreement with you - I don't feel guilty for doing things with my 5 year old when my older DS is on his dad's weekend! We don't do huge big things like weekends away or theme parks without him, but the play area at the garden centre for example and food on the way home - absolutely! It's important for all children to have "all together time" and sole quality time IMO.

Don't agree with his comment that things are pointless (I'm referencing the Sunday dinner thing) without them, that's not entirely fair to say to you and your child together as this is your lives and it's the way it is! It's nobodies fault that his first relationship ended and now he lives away from his older children, it's certainly not yours or any of the children involved. It's all about living that blended life now and making the best of it, whether you're all together or not.

Do you know what, given that the entire family (including the ex’s household) is determined by this man’s feelings? The likelihood is that the SC also know the their primary role in life is to make their dad feel better about his own choices.

Rather than genuinely feeling included, it may be that they feel that they must be present every time it suits dad. There’s no ‘not now dad; I’m tired after school/homework/rugby’. That would be letting dad down and he’d feel bad. Your job is to ensure he doesn’t.

Don’t even think about making other plans or seeing your friends. Dad will feel bad if you don’t drag yourself along to the playground with your very young half sibling. And dad’s feelings are what matters here.

Far from being some amazing father, these kind of dynamics - centred around managing his feelings and his guilt in particular - set everyone up as emotional
support humans for him. Everyone learns that his feelings are all that matters.

And everyone ends up psychologically screwed.

Why can’t he just accept he’s a 50% of the time dad to them, respect their time with their mother, and organise his life according to reality?

I read the OP to DH & his take is that your DH is doing it to mess things up for his ex. He asks why the ex threw your DH out.😂

Mind you, he's fond of a good dinner & nobody, but NOBODY badmouths a Sunday roast while he's around. So maybe he's taken it a bit personally.

You have no idea that he is a bad father to the preschooler. Maybe he has a morning or bedtime routine with the youngest where he spends quality time with him most days. Or maybe he plays cars with him or picks him up from school and chats with him on the way home every day. He may well do many things with the youngest. The idea that he doesn’t love the youngest because he still is in contact with the older two during non contact days is irrational.

And despite the comments on this thread, few pre schoolers are gourmet foodies who get upset if they don’t have a full roast dinner on Sundays. Half the time preschoolers don’t even eat the same meal as the adults. Toddlers are often picky and unpredictable when it comes to food.

@Freefall212

so?? Maybe it’s op that’s wants the roast

should she not cook what she wants to eat in her own house unless dsc are there??!

Yeah that’s the point I was trying to make… he doesn’t seem to realise that they more than likely wouldn’t care at all but judging from OPs comments he might need to get it direct from the horses mouth