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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Opinions on his ex please?

115 replies

Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 16:36

Hi me and DP have been together 4 years now and live together. I am a step mom to his 4 year old daughter who stays with us as my partners arrangement is pretty much 50/50. We live near DSD school so both weeknights and weekends are no issue.
DP relationship with his ex wife is extremely toxic, she CONSTANTLY threatens to take their daughter away if he does one thing to annoy her, and she gets very irate about money. She’s constantly asking for more and more child maintenance and when DP refuses it’s always the same that she’ll take his little girl away. He already pays for dance classes, clothes etc and we make a point of taking her clothes shopping at start of seasons, he also gives her 180 a month although as prev stated childcare is 50:50. It’s getting to a point where the threats are becoming more and more frequent and DP’s constantly bending over to accommodate her requests. Court has been mentioned several times over the past few years but now I feel it might be time to actually put it into action. A few months ago she threatened to relocate with his DD and not tell him where they’d moved to, basically kidnap her.
Also around Christmas time they had fell out via text on an evening when his daughter was with us and she turned up outside our home demanding his little girl be brought out the house and taken back with her as he had annoyed her.

His ex wife has another child on the way with her current partner so I have no idea why she’s so intent on causing so much drama, I would think she would be more focused on what’s going on in her life.

she’s really starting to affect our relationship, how would you go about this? Is the court the best way to go? DP is really starting to get concerned that she might actually take his DD out of his life.

OP posts:
Anyoneelsehadthis1 · 29/03/2023 16:43

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amiold · 29/03/2023 16:45

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Have a day off. What you bitter about

mumyes · 29/03/2023 16:46

I think £180 is pretty pathetic given that we all know that most mums do all the school uniform buying, birthday gifts, blah blah.

I think I'd try looking at it from her perspective. Being a single parent is tough, whoever's fault the split was. You have two incomes in your house, it seems she doesn't. Be generous.

amiold · 29/03/2023 16:47

Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 16:36

Hi me and DP have been together 4 years now and live together. I am a step mom to his 4 year old daughter who stays with us as my partners arrangement is pretty much 50/50. We live near DSD school so both weeknights and weekends are no issue.
DP relationship with his ex wife is extremely toxic, she CONSTANTLY threatens to take their daughter away if he does one thing to annoy her, and she gets very irate about money. She’s constantly asking for more and more child maintenance and when DP refuses it’s always the same that she’ll take his little girl away. He already pays for dance classes, clothes etc and we make a point of taking her clothes shopping at start of seasons, he also gives her 180 a month although as prev stated childcare is 50:50. It’s getting to a point where the threats are becoming more and more frequent and DP’s constantly bending over to accommodate her requests. Court has been mentioned several times over the past few years but now I feel it might be time to actually put it into action. A few months ago she threatened to relocate with his DD and not tell him where they’d moved to, basically kidnap her.
Also around Christmas time they had fell out via text on an evening when his daughter was with us and she turned up outside our home demanding his little girl be brought out the house and taken back with her as he had annoyed her.

His ex wife has another child on the way with her current partner so I have no idea why she’s so intent on causing so much drama, I would think she would be more focused on what’s going on in her life.

she’s really starting to affect our relationship, how would you go about this? Is the court the best way to go? DP is really starting to get concerned that she might actually take his DD out of his life.

Yes get it to court for official access. Get a prohibitive steps order to stop her moving. Send the court order to cms and then pay what he has to ... anything he wants to pay on top is his choice but obviously be better for the little one to still do her classes etc.

Some of these exes think they should be kept forever.

You don't need the drama. Get it all done properly and be done with it.

Original poster
Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 16:47

He actually left her because she was having an affair with someone from work which had started when they got married…

OP posts:
amiold · 29/03/2023 16:48

mumyes · 29/03/2023 16:46

I think £180 is pretty pathetic given that we all know that most mums do all the school uniform buying, birthday gifts, blah blah.

I think I'd try looking at it from her perspective. Being a single parent is tough, whoever's fault the split was. You have two incomes in your house, it seems she doesn't. Be generous.

She has a partner so they could have two incomes and she only has the child 50:50. Op has said dad already pays for extras.

Dillydollydingdong · 29/03/2023 16:48

anyonelse what's the matter with you? What happened to "be kind"? OP is trying to get a bit of help here, not abuse

amiold · 29/03/2023 16:49

Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 16:47

He actually left her because she was having an affair with someone from work which had started when they got married…

This is Mumsnet. People constantly making things up and have hatred towards any "second families"

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 29/03/2023 16:51

Is Anyelsehadthis the ex, by any chance, or is she just on glue 🤣🤣
He needs to take this to court op, get something firmed up.

user50and · 29/03/2023 16:51

She does have two incomes though? She's currently pregnant by her partner, unless they don't live together?

I would go down the court route if I were you. We had this when my DP's DC were small. I also had it from my exH when mine were small. The constant threats if things didn't go their way.

Quitelikeit · 29/03/2023 16:51

God I couldn’t be bothered with this nonsense

Get yourself to court and get the contact set in stone otherwise she’ll use this as a stick to beat you with as and when she feels like it

considerkng the child is with you 50pc of the time I believe no maintenance is due at all!!!!

BirdIsland · 29/03/2023 16:52

Some of the replies on here are nuts.

Get a Court order, but be prepared for her to ignore it. She sounds like a right pain in the arse.

Original poster
Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 16:52

She does have two incomes, she’s engaged to her current partner and my partner and I buy a lot for his daughter including the most recent school uniform. I completely get your point of course if it was just about the money then maybe she could state what exactly it is she’s struggling with and how much, it’s just the fact that she demands more money or he can’t have access to his little girl. Which makes me think it’s just a control thing as surely cutting him off from contact would make her life more expensive as we wouldn’t be making lunches cooking dinners taking on days out etc

OP posts:
Cazs818 · 29/03/2023 16:53

Do an online child maintenance calculation given the care is 50/50 I don’t think you should be paying any extra , your both have costs , any extras school clothes , extra curricular and trips etc sure spilt those

in terms of contact I would get something formal written up detailing current arrangements , if things go south you have some written proof of what was previously agreed , you have to attend mediation before court , the process is very long and very stressful and costly … if it can be avoided I would

Quitelikeit · 29/03/2023 16:54

No because maintenance is decided upon the number of days he has the child so by mum keeping her more she is due more maintenance

have you been on the calculator?

lunar1 · 29/03/2023 16:55

Go to court, if she follows through and moves away it at least gives him a chance of forcing her back.

Original poster
Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 16:58

@Quitelikeit oh yes I didn’t think of it like that that makes sense I’ll go on a calculator now and work it out, but yeah my understanding was 50:50 means no maintenance at all. The payment he makes to her each month is just to assist with any extras which I personally think is a fair amount considering he pays for everything anyway, we have no idea what she spends it on.

OP posts:
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 29/03/2023 16:59

mumyes · 29/03/2023 16:46

I think £180 is pretty pathetic given that we all know that most mums do all the school uniform buying, birthday gifts, blah blah.

I think I'd try looking at it from her perspective. Being a single parent is tough, whoever's fault the split was. You have two incomes in your house, it seems she doesn't. Be generous.

Are you for real? He doesn’t have to pay a penny if he has 50/50 as he is already meeting 50% of the childs needs! £180 on top of this is generous!

Snorlaxing · 29/03/2023 17:00

Go to court. Be prepared for threats that she will break any order but it will help him have the security in the long term. If she moves away then you can legally force her to return the child. (Prohibitive Steps Order)

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 17:01

Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 16:47

He actually left her because she was having an affair with someone from work which had started when they got married…

Irrelevant.

Go to court

Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 17:02

If its 50/50 then I think there's no maintenance but he should ideally be paying for half of everything (as should she). So half school uniform (unless they want to both buy a set to keep at theirs).

Original poster
Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 17:02

It’s the fact that if he upsets her in any way (and believe me it doesn’t take a lot) then that’s it “You’re not seeing daughters name this week, you’ve blown it” if they have the smallest disagreement. Also she’s threatened him personally last year and said he doesn’t know who he’s messing with, it’s all a bit weird…

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 17:02

Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 16:52

She does have two incomes, she’s engaged to her current partner and my partner and I buy a lot for his daughter including the most recent school uniform. I completely get your point of course if it was just about the money then maybe she could state what exactly it is she’s struggling with and how much, it’s just the fact that she demands more money or he can’t have access to his little girl. Which makes me think it’s just a control thing as surely cutting him off from contact would make her life more expensive as we wouldn’t be making lunches cooking dinners taking on days out etc

Stop paying for their kid

Original poster
Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 17:05

@Fluffodils he of course pays for majority but I see her as my family too so yes I do buy her things and take her on days out

OP posts:
Fluffodils · 29/03/2023 17:07

Emilylouisex · 29/03/2023 17:05

@Fluffodils he of course pays for majority but I see her as my family too so yes I do buy her things and take her on days out

Fair enough

What she is doing is toxic and will harm her child