Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

Actually there's three obvious answers. The other is that the SC are hard work/badly behaved and they don't like them, but OP seems adamant that's not the case.

If I was your partner I wouldn't want the joint child forming a relationship with your parents at all.

Their behaviour is extremely odd, if they couldn't even spend a few hours a year with his older ones, he's not going to trust them with his other child is he? Have you had this conversation with him?

Exactly!

I do enjoy this board immensely. Often for the great advice but even more so the batshit double standards.

Every post someone makes about grandparents not being interested in their biological grandchildren is met with some variation of “tough tits, you can’t make them, you chose to have children”.

Any post that suggests grandparents aren’t all that interested in kids they don’t even know, who they aren’t related to except tenuously - “spiteful, cruel, stop them seeing their actual grandchildren to teach them a lesson”.

Utterly laughable.

If her parents were polite on the occasions when they encountered the children , I think that would have been a sufficient response. To expect more is unreasonable if they do not feel more.but

You know we're all talking about little children here?

" polite"

God alive. And people wonder why they feel lonely and isolated in their own age?

How about

get to know them
and shock !! get to like them
Let them enhance your life
You know like, generosity??

Granny, I love it here! I love the sheep/goats/ chickens! Can I show DSS next weekend when they come????

No dear.

Why Granny???

They're not our real Grand children dear.

You get the gist.

Have to admit I agree with this.

These aren't her grandchildren. She's drawn a boundary.

Haven't read the entire thread as there's so much but you are not being unreasonable. My parents accepted my stepson and treated the way they do with their biological grandchild. They've never overstepped, just always treated him like family.
You can't force a relationship if it's not wanted but they are being very tunnel visioned to think this doesn't have a wider consequence as it's going to negatively impact on their relationship with bio grandchildren as people aren't gonna want to get together of it makes the stepchildren see an obvious disparity in how three are treated.
Only thing I would try is organise something at your place or the other grandparents to get everyone together. Perhaps seeing how the other grandparents have welcomed you child (and their grandchild) may make them reflect and consider how crappy they are being. It may not work but it's worth a try xx

Completely missing my point.. I have said op shouldn't force a relationship between step children and her parents, for the step children's sake!
They obviously don't want to be involved... FINE! In my opinion all they will achieve with such mean spirited behaviour is a loss to there own experiences in any family get togethers.

A lot of people talking about "inevitable consequences". They are not inevitable at all, there will only be consequences if the OP chooses to implement them to make a point. Yes, they might not get to see GC on the Christmas they are with DSC, but they might not have done anyway. It's perfectly possible for them to have a normal relationship with their GC during the time the DSC are at their mum's.

So much pearl clutching from you on this thread.

Other people's kids can be tiresome and irritating to be around if you don't have an inherent love for them. If we can't accept that without getting upset then we can't have an adult discussion about it. What if she just doesn't like them? Getting to know them doesn't always mean she will "get to like them" or that they will enhance her life rather than be an obligation.

It should not be so very unfathomable to you that some people just wouldn't particularly enjoy a close relationship with more kids.

@Anonhopingforbaby

I mostly agree.

I think it is a shame she is a bit inflexible and short sighted, because I think in the long run GM will lose out on extended family occasions if she isn't really interested in being welcoming (I wouldn't invite someone and run the risk of them snubbing a step child - they are allowed to love their own more, but they should treat a child kindly and this GM does seem to be punishing SC for existing a bit) but it is what it is.

DC should have a relationship with GM and the best course of action is to see her on the 50% time when SC are with their mother. GM's relationship may or may not be as close as it would otherwise be if she had been more flexible, because when kids grow up they have a lot of options as to how they spend their time and being inflexible about HOW you see your GC (both location and people) might affect this, but GM has made a choice.

@aSofaNearYou I just don't agree that the bio grandchildren's relationship with their grandparents should be wedged into the 50% of the time that the step kids aren't there. It's a lot of inconvenience for grown adults. We see a lot of posts on this page about the kids in blended families having issues understandable. I get that not everyone likes other people's kids etc and as a secondary teacher god knows I understand that. But unless there is an obvious reason to be this way rather than it just being about who is blood relative. No I don't get it at all. I personally wouldn't be bending over backwards to facilitate. grandparents time when the step kids aren't there. It seems childish.

I guess it depends how often you expect to see your grandparents. Every couple of weeks does not seem that strange or unusual to me, so there's really no reason for it to be an issue if they don't see them while the DSC are there. It's being made out to be far more of an issue than it really is, unless you expect to see them every week.

It should not be so very unfathomable to you that some people just wouldn't particularly enjoy a close relationship with more kids.

And they wouldn't try and make life easier for their own daughter?

Even when she's asked and maybe been upset by it?

You can spin it how you like. It's not just about " them not enjoying".
It's called "making an effort".

Tbh it shocks me that people actually think like this. So if that's a pearl clutch I totally am.

I'm a bit confused as to why the SM in this scenario has to take the SKs to her parents. Is their dad not looking after them?

I've never once taken all three kids (SKs included) to see my mum. I take my DD while DH does something different with HIS kids. I would never expect my mum to treat my SKs as her grandkids. Obviously she chats to them if she's at our house and they're here, but that's where the relationship ends.

Other people's kids can be tiresome and irritating to be around if you don't have an inherent love for them. If we can't accept that without getting upset then we can't have an adult discussion about it. What if she just doesn't like them? Getting to know them doesn't always mean she will "get to like them" or that they will enhance her life rather than be an obligation.

Tbh I'm not really 'upset'. Don't worry. And I'm an adult. Maybe I just don't discuss the same way as you🤷‍♀️

Re the above. Everything you say is correct.

But there are always the positive and the negative ways of looking at things. Clearly, no one need point out this is about as negative as it gets.

Well it also shocked you that they wouldn't just actively enjoy getting to know them, so to you it is somewhat about them enjoying it.

But to answer your question about making an effort - it depends. There's making an effort and then there's making a LOT of effort. Are you seriously saying if OP brought all the kids over, it would be ok for her to treat her GCs as her grandkids, and just make polite chit chat with the SC? That it would be ok for her to buy gifts for her DGC and not the others? Because if not, then that's a lot of effort to expect.

There's a lot of logic in just saying "you know what I'm not up for that, why don't you just come over when they're at their mum's". Obviously there are things they could do and say beyond that that could make them arseholes - guilt tripping OP into coming over when they're at their dad's and leaving them behind, for example. But simply preferring to time seeing her for when they aren't around I think makes perfect sense.

*Tbh I'm not really 'upset'. Don't worry. And I'm an adult. Maybe I just don't discuss the same way as you🤷‍♀️

Re the above. Everything you say is correct.*

All the "you realise these are little children??" "How about just get to like them?" type comments demonstrate an inability to accept that what I said was correct.

I think they could be more friendly but I can see that they don't think of the step kids as family yet. If you've only been with your partner for three years then I think it's still quite soon. Presumably you didn't move in with him for a year or so.

If I was a grand parent in this situation I would do all the right things but in my head I wouldn't have any interest in the kids I'm afraid.

I know it shouldn't matter and I apologise if you've answered this and I've missed it but are you married to your DP? If not then I wonder if that would make a difference? Technically at the moment they are your partner's children, not your step-children (legally). Could this be their thinking?

All the "you realise these are little children??" "How about just get to like them?" type comments demonstrate an inability to accept that what I said was correct.

I'll use the words I want to here. 🤷‍♀️

Whilst your answers may be logically correct they are about as far from my view of this situation as is possible.

That two grown ups can't show willing to make an effort to two small children who will be forever joined to their family ( 1/2 siblings) is in my view beyond mean spirited and small minded.

That they won't support their own daughter in here efforts to build her new family or just because she has asked is vile. They have upset her, it will upset the father of her child and it will in future probably upset the various kids.

So be it. They have their reasons.

If they end up wondering why no one calls over to see them, as the children enter their older years, they'll only have themselves to blame. Because they were just not very nice people.

Still not answering my question about what your expectations would be of them towards DSC if all the kids visited at the same time...

Still not answering my question about what your expectations would be of them towards DSC if all the kids visited at the same time...

Happy to answer.

I think your average friendly, loving person would be able to negotiate that situation. Little children will be thrilled by the animals etc In my experience not much more needed. People can and do negotiate this sort of stuff all the time.

Read on here.

Just thinking how the SDC's father is going to feel about this. The father of their 'own' grandchild.

These GPs really don't care about other people l's feelings do they?

This is the whole reason blending it’s all sunshine’s and rainbows though.

Not only do you make children suddenly accept new siblings, new “parents”, new aunties and uncles and granny’s and grandads. You expect all those people to happily become siblings, aunties, uncles, nannies and grandads and cousins to these sudden new additions.

Same reasons lots of in-laws in general clash they are people forced upon you, not of your own deciding. Yes a new baby is a new person foisted upon you but tends to go well due to awwww cute baby and there being a family connection from the get go not a person that already have thoughts and memories and mannerisms that don’t grow on you but are just there.

yes you need to be polite but that’s polite bumping into to them, if they are in the same place or invited to the same event.

When you then add how many relationships break down and you’ll never see them again it’s even more. If me and dh split. His parents and his sibling etc would still see our children because they are his children but with step children they can just completely disappear and then next year a new set be bought into your lives and be expected to welcome again.