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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Grand parents rejecting step children

440 replies

Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 14:10

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 27/03/2023 20:37

sunglassesonthetable · 27/03/2023 19:33

Still not answering my question about what your expectations would be of them towards DSC if all the kids visited at the same time...

Happy to answer.

I think your average friendly, loving person would be able to negotiate that situation. Little children will be thrilled by the animals etc In my experience not much more needed. People can and do negotiate this sort of stuff all the time.

Read on here.

Just thinking how the SDC's father is going to feel about this. The father of their 'own' grandchild.

These GPs really don't care about other people l's feelings do they?

This is just quite a vague answer followed by more of the same about how nasty you think they are.

Forgive me for my scepticism, but I haven't seen many cases where people do successfully navigate this by doing less than treating the SC as their own grandkids. They either do that, or someone involved is telling them what awful people they are. Perhaps what we're seeing here is the consequence of that line of thinking - if you can't have a relationship with your child's SC alongside your GC without opening yourself up to accusations if you don't then treat them to the same things in the same manner, then it is simpler to simply not have a relationship with them.

sunglassesonthetable · 27/03/2023 21:49

Forgive me for my scepticism, but I haven't seen many cases where people do successfully navigate this by doing less than treating the SC as their own grandkids. They either do that, or someone involved is telling them what awful people they are. Perhaps what we're seeing here is the consequence of that line of thinking - if you can't have a relationship with your child's SC alongside your GC without opening yourself up to accusations if you don't then treat them to the same things in the same manner, then it is simpler to simply not have a relationship with them.

Once again a very negative outlook.
And a complicated one.

I'm not quite sure how you would describe a blow by blow answer to your initial question. Life with kids is not formal and etiquette bound but the way you describe it is like that.

The DG is always going to have more access to the GPs. The other children will be away 1/2 the time.

I don't think it's even a case of being treated the 'same' just being treated nicely would do.

sunglassesonthetable · 27/03/2023 21:53

Christmas with the 2GC at GPs will be jolly won't it?

Not.

Lovely atmosphere with Dad knowing the baby's half siblings wouldn't even be welcome.

SemperIdem · 27/03/2023 22:20

sunglassesonthetable · 27/03/2023 21:53

Christmas with the 2GC at GPs will be jolly won't it?

Not.

Lovely atmosphere with Dad knowing the baby's half siblings wouldn't even be welcome.

I’m sure the sdc’s will have a great time with the rest of their family.

There’s really no need to be so dramatic.

sunglassesonthetable · 27/03/2023 22:54

*I’m sure the sdc’s will have a great time with the rest of their family.

There’s really no need to be so dramatic.*

I hope they will too , but you've missed my point. DH is hardly going to be relishing time with his baby's GP's. What with knowing how unwelcoming they've been.

CoffeeBean5 · 28/03/2023 04:37

elgreco · 27/03/2023 09:50

Please don't drop your child's grandparents for the sake of your SC.
If you look at the situation objectively. The SC have
Mother
Father
Each other
2 sets of Grandparents.

Your Dc has
No father
A mother
One set of Grandparents

Don't deprive him of his GPs.
Your relationship statistically won't last, followingthe break up he will probably lose all contact with the step siblings/ father. If you have removed his gps from his life will he thank you later?

I agree with most of this (last paragraph doesn’t apply as OP is pregnant so contact with father would continue).

@Tiredtiredtired100 3 years is a relatively new relationship. How long have you been living with your DP and his children? I don’t see anything wrong with your parents wanting to spend time with their grand child without hosting other children too. It is tiring to be around several children for hours.

Why can’t you just arrange grandparent visits on a day you don’t have your DP’s children (seeing as you have them 50% of the time). Those children have two sets of grandparents and another parent so don’t need to encroach on your son’s time with two of the very few family members that he has. It would be different if there was only one of them and they lived with you 100% of the time.

Coffeepot72 · 28/03/2023 08:48

Why can’t you just arrange grandparent visits on a day you don’t have your DP’s children (seeing as you have them 50% of the time). Those children have two sets of grandparents and another parent so don’t need to encroach on your son’s time with two of the very few family members that he has. It would be different if there was only one of them and they lived with you 100% of the time.

This!!! Why are we obsessed with forcing relationships?

SandyY2K · 28/03/2023 11:36

I think refusing to allow them to visit is wrong. They don't have to buy them gifts or treat them as their GC... but not allowing them to visit is outright mean.

I'm wondering if they feel ashamed that you have SC?

Personally I'd cut back on visiting them.

Do they have other GC from a sibling of yours?

Floofydawg · 28/03/2023 11:48

So much madness on this thread. Agree with what @Coffeepot72 said. Why force relationships.

sunglassesonthetable · 28/03/2023 11:54

Why not just try and support your daughter as she wishes?

Being friendly and letting them visit is hardly " forcing a relationship ".

What about their daughters partner? What about that relationship? They're hardly making an effort there.

These people are not making any efforts. Let alone relationships.

aSofaNearYou · 28/03/2023 11:57

sunglassesonthetable · 28/03/2023 11:54

Why not just try and support your daughter as she wishes?

Being friendly and letting them visit is hardly " forcing a relationship ".

What about their daughters partner? What about that relationship? They're hardly making an effort there.

These people are not making any efforts. Let alone relationships.

It doesn't matter how many people answer you and explain the expectations that would then follow, you just keep ignoring them and saying it again.

Weallgottachangesometime · 28/03/2023 12:01

Thing is everyone gets to make their own choices and they deal with the consequences. If she chooses to only invite you in her home when you don’t have your Step-children she will have the hood and bad consequences from them. She may only have a visit from you every other week instead of every week, or she may not see you at Christmas because you’re with your step-children. Etc.

Mari9999 · 28/03/2023 12:20

@sunglassesonthetable
Wh

y can't the daughter just as easily support her parents' wishes? Are the daughter's wants more important than that of the parents particularly as the wants relate to the parents' home.

To borrow a phrase often used on MN ,maybe the parents view their home as their " safe place or sanctuary. If it is just animal contact or open spaces that the children crave, why not take them to a park or petting zoo?

It does not seem as though the kids are wanting contact with the OP's parents so much as the amenities that come with their space. Given that it is the space and not the people that the children are seeking to enjoy a visit to a nature or petting zoo should serve the same end.

sunglassesonthetable · 28/03/2023 12:22

It doesn't matter how many people answer you and explain the expectations that would then follow, you just keep ignoring them and saying it again.

And likewise whatever I say @aSofaNearYou There is no right answer.

Just opinions.

aSofaNearYou · 28/03/2023 12:27

sunglassesonthetable · 28/03/2023 12:22

It doesn't matter how many people answer you and explain the expectations that would then follow, you just keep ignoring them and saying it again.

And likewise whatever I say @aSofaNearYou There is no right answer.

Just opinions.

I'm not asking a question though. You keep asking a question, and then when people answer it, you ask it again.

crumpet · 28/03/2023 12:34

All you can do is normalise it for all the children so they don’t pick up on any oddities. There are 3 sets (at least) of grandparents in play.

your parents - who D’s sees as they are his grandparents.

your SC’s mother’s parents - who dsc will see and who D’s won’t see as they are not his grandparents.

your do’s parents who everyone gets to see

its not perfect but has a certain logic that might help all the kids get to see that it’s not a biggie.

crumpet · 28/03/2023 12:34

Bloody autocorrect- hope the above makes sense

sunglassesonthetable · 28/03/2023 12:39

I'm not asking a question though. You keep asking a question, and then when people answer it, you ask it again.

To be fair noone answers my question.

We don't agree @aSofaNearYou Fair enough.

Please stop criticising the way I say things.
" adult argument " onwards.

aSofaNearYou · 28/03/2023 13:31

sunglassesonthetable · 28/03/2023 12:39

I'm not asking a question though. You keep asking a question, and then when people answer it, you ask it again.

To be fair noone answers my question.

We don't agree @aSofaNearYou Fair enough.

Please stop criticising the way I say things.
" adult argument " onwards.

I answered your question, and lots of other people have suggested the same reasons why they might not want this.

There are lot's of people I disagree with on this thread. It's you I keep calling out because you just keep saying the same thing: "why not just support their daughter? They don't care about other people blah blah blah..." as if nobody is answering that question, when people have done time and again.

funinthesun19 · 28/03/2023 13:40

No way should your DS miss out on his Grandparents by preventing him from seeing them in order to make a point.

I can only see the logic behind this argument when the children share that grandparent (either full or half siblings) and the grandparent is ignoring on of their grandchildren (usually a baby and usually the paternal grandparents ignoring their son’s child from his second marriage). I think in those cases, preventing them from seeing their older grandchild until they start making the effort with their younger grandchild is sometimes necessary.

But in those case, your DS shouldn’t be stopped from seeing his grandparents for the sake of dsc. The dsc aren’t a guarantee in his life forever because if you split then that will be it, and they don’t share a parent. So it’s even more crucial that the people who actually are permanent in his life aren’t pushed aside for someone who is potentially only temporary.

funinthesun19 · 28/03/2023 13:40

In THIS case

MeridianB · 28/03/2023 13:57

Sorry if I have missed it but how old are all the children involved?

And are you any closer to knowing the 'why' with their stance? If not, can you ask directly - I'd like to understand why don't you want the DSC to visit?

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2023 14:25

Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 17:35

@Theelephantinthecastle i understand what you’re saying here, but we obviously haven’t lived together for 3 years and I’ve accepted things need to go slowly and not tried to forge any kind of ‘they’re also your grand parents’ sentiment. It’s a place in the countryside with lots of animals, so yeah the step kids do thing it’s an amazing place to visit.

to those saying I could stop my DC from seeing his GP, I just don’t know how any of you could have the heart to do that to a child who already has an absent father. They are absolutely doting and loving grand parents who have been there for him from day 1.

to the posters saying they want a 1:1 relationship with him, I think that is definitely true, but visiting a few times a year with all of the kids wouldn’t prevent that being the case most of the time.

So you need to have it out with them

What if, when your DC is older he gets upset that his steps don't get birthday and Christmas presents etc. He'll start to notice

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2023 14:30

Tiredtiredtired100 · 26/03/2023 19:56

I didn’t phrase it this way, to be fair. But I have in the past said ‘we’re going to be driving past yours to somewhere, we could pop in on the way back’ and been told no. I certainly don’t think I could just turn up with the step kids without their being a massive atmosphere, but I had always envisioned being able to just say to the kids ‘I’m heading out, who wants to come’ and taking whoever wanted to at the time.

for some extra context my parents actively encouraged us to bring all our friends round throughout our childhood and even our adulthood, they have friends who visit and bring their grandchildren and they are welcome, but my SC aren’t.

to those saying they’re not my SC, you’re entitled to that view but my SC think I’m their SM and I think I’m theirs. The card they chose and wrote on Mother’s Day showed that (and they weren’t told to get me one they wanted to). That’s what matters to be honest, not whether I have a ring on my finger.

with regards to marriage, I don’t think that would change my parents opinion.

So they've got a problem with your DP? Do they object to him or the fact he had children before he met you? Divorce? Something else?

I would have to visit on my own and find out. Then take it from there

sunglassesonthetable · 28/03/2023 15:01

thread. It's you I keep calling out because you just keep saying the same thing: "why not just support their daughter? They don't care about other people blah blah blah..." as if nobody is answering that question, when people have done time and again.

sorry I don't agree.

I don't think anyone has addressed how the OH. father of the DSC and the new baby is going to feel about this.

It's exactly the type of thing that will drive a wedge between the family units. And you read on here.