Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

For that alone you'd think they'd make an effort.

None of this addresses what I actually said about the expectation of split time and resources, in a situation where that means the majority of those things are going towards the SC rather than the GC you actually wanted to see, being less than desirable.

You seem to be averse to thinking about the practicality of that, instead just saying "oh but it seems mean" again and again.

You seem to be averse to thinking about the practicality of that, instead just saying "oh but it seems mean" again and again.

Spreading resources. Hmm . I get that. But it doesn't change my opinion.

These GP won't so much as invite the kids in.

I'm sorry but I know situations like this in RL and the opposite has happened. 'Resources' have been split. And everyone benefits. Everyone. It is a very positive approach to relationships.

Ultimately these GP will be judged by their own 'blood' GC at a later stage. And they will be found wanting.

And yes I find it 'mean' in every sense of the word.

I'd facilitate the relationship with your own kids for now, but I don't think I would really be bothered about maintaining my own relationship with them, as the people they appear to be.

You've asked to bring your SC for a visit. That's it. In no way have you asked for the SC to have the same relationship as your own kids.

I get that. I'm not necessarily defending these particular GP because some of what they are doing and saying makes them sound a bit unpleasant, and they haven't stated their reasons so I don't know what they are thinking.

But I think it is disingenuous to say it is "just" about letting them in the house. Once they let them in, they will be expected to split their time and resources. People on here would say they were awful people if they just focused on their DGC, just bought them a chocolate bar etc. So it isn't just about letting them in, is it. It never is.

And it's just as likely OPs kids will grow up to find HER wanting for blocking them having a relationship with their lovely grandparents because they weren't willing to focus on their step siblings who already have two living sets of grandparents, as you and many others are advocating, tbh. Especially when the DSC aren't there full time so it would be perfectly possible to just see them at other times.

Please don't drop your child's grandparents for the sake of your SC.
If you look at the situation objectively. The SC have
Mother
Father
Each other
2 sets of Grandparents.

Your Dc has
No father
A mother
One set of Grandparents

Don't deprive him of his GPs.
Your relationship statistically won't last, followingthe break up he will probably lose all contact with the step siblings/ father. If you have removed his gps from his life will he thank you later?

I also wouldn't stop your son from seeing his grandparents.
Another way of looking at this is that you could be doing stepchildren a favour by keeping them uninvolved with your parents.
When my son was born (over 20 years ago) my dads wife insisted on being with me when I had my baby. (I would have been alone and was quite young and nc with my own mum or the dad)
She from day one called herself Nan. My son thought the world of her.
She divorced my dad 10 years later and also stopped contact with my son, he was devastated.
I wish she'd made her view on step grandchildren honest from the start, at least then I would have been aware to not let my child connect on any level and she would have been known as grandads wife.
I personally find it very mean that some adults can't Open there hearts to two children but some people are arseholes, You can't change that.
I think let them see there grandson as usual but when it comes to Easter/Christmas ect and it's your year with stepchildren your parents don't get an invite.

Yes it is mean.
Has anyone read the book " mean mothers" ?
There should be a book titled "mean grandparents" .

@sealon82

It is quite possible that the OP's parents stood by her and were a source of support when her relationship with her son's father ended. They have been loving grandparents to her son. You now think that they should somehow be penalized because they have no familial feelings to her partner's children?

OP has never said that her parents were rude or unkind to these children. What they may be unable to do is feel some kind of familial link or bond. With the random other children who visit their home, there is probably no such expectation, and these children are not expected to visit regularly.

The OP's parents are not trying to dictate how the
OP should feel about her step children, but the OP seems unable to extend them the same courtesy.

If her parents were polite on the occasions when they encountered the children , I think that would have been a sufficient response. To expect more is unreasonable if they do not feel more.but

That's why I said, let them continue their relationship with there biological grandchild. But if they can't extend their feelings towards their ops step children then keep them separate. That includes Christmas/Easter ect.
It's what I do, my husband's sister refuses to acknowledge my son, that's fine her choice but you can't pick and choose. She doesn't get invited to any event held in my house because she's a mean spirited bitch who can't find it within herself to add another name to a Christmas card because it's not her biological family. Her loss! Just like it will probably be a loss to ops parents.

I would absolutely tell the GP my frustrations and if they didn't change, would not take my own child for visits. How would you feel if this was your partners family and situation, excluding your child?

And I am a mother and also a step mother. I see it as a family

It must be frustrating that your parent won't engage and discuss their thinking behind this.
It's horrible to think everyone in the situation will just be writing their own narrative in their heads and filling in the blanks rather than having a real understanding.
My family manage to be kind to DSD, include her, welcome her into their homes and accept her as part of the wider family without any angst (on either side) about being expected to behave exactly as if she was their actual niece or granddaughter. She isn't, she has her own DGPs, aunts, uncles and seems to be quite happy to be part of the gang on her own terms rather than any pretence of being exactly the same as her (half) brothers. It really should not be this difficult.

@sealon82
So if or when should the OP'S relationship with her partner come to an end, would you then expect the OP's parents to be welcoming and supportive to her? She will have indicated to them that her love and involvement with them was conditioned and dependent upon her right to dictate their feelings for and involvement with others with whom they feel no bond.

Courtesy and politeness you can mandate feelings not so much. Feelings either develop or they do not. The parents are in no way telling the OP how to feel or relate.to her step children, but that does not seem to be a courtesy that she is capable of extending to them.

What if the step children wish to bring OP's son to their maternal grandmother's home? .Should that grandmother not want him in her home., would you advocate that the step children take the same stance " if you t don't want to see my step brother then I don't want to see you?"

I'd find it hard to trust my mother if she rejected any child, let alone my DSDs. I wouldn't try and second guess their reasons, just say that's fine, but you come as a package and they'll get Christmas and birthday cards to keep in touch.

Their choice. They aren't their grandparents

but they dont even visit op in her own home they make no effort whatsover-so they expect to see their gc on their terms in their house

i just wouldnt bother

@RollandSquare

You would deny your child access to his grandparents because of their inability or unwillingness to entertain or feel a sense of connection to your boy friend's children?

Assuming that he is not your first boyfriend and mag not be your last boyfriend, would you expect to resume your relationship with your parents if or when this relationship ends? Would they once again become your son's grandparents; would he then be allowed to see them at will?

What on earth does your DP think about all this? He sounds like a very involved loving dad from your description. Putting myself in his shoes I just can't imagine agreeing to start a family with someone who's own family rejected my dc.
I would also be very wary about your parents treating your new baby differently to your ds.

@Mari9999

OP is not denying anyone anything. The people with the problem are her parents. They're the adults here, and they're rejecting children for reasons best known to themselves. They need to get over themselves.

@RuthW
Do you not think it odd they entertain friends children/gc yet deliberately ignore these ones?
They're being deliberately rude and nasty.

So she generally likes children and isn’t normally an Arsehole.

Id guess it’s like some others have said and that she doesn’t want to start a slippery slope form just visiting steps nanny, to oh well you have to get them a little something, to well you can’t treat them any different to bio etc

So she’s just put her foot down full stop. How many posts do we see where a parent is moaning their parent doesn’t buy their steps as good as biological, doesn’t take them out the same ect. All drama avoided as far as your mother in concerned.

You have them 50% of the time so just visit on the other 50%, I wouldn’t ruin my child’s relationship with their nanny because she doesn’t want to take on extra children.

Also here today gone tomorrow, how many relationships break down. Your children she will still get too see the steps would disappear over the horizon, can be better to not get too attached again.

There are two obvious answers to this.

One is that they are rejecting them specifically because they object to the concept of step children. That would be twattish.

The other is that they are avoiding the SC because they know/fear that it will come with expectations that they view and treat them as their grandkids. And that is understandable.