Grand parents rejecting step children

[Tiredtiredtired100]

Is anyone else in the situation where their parents refuse to accept their step children to the extent that they only want their biological grandchildren to visit?

my mum has really upset me as I wanted to visit with my child and step children. But she has said no and that she only wants me to bring my son over to visit (and as I am currently pregnant expects me to bring only my biological children over in future).

For context they live 15 minutes away and I’m talking about a 1-2 hour visit. My parents live rurally in a lovely big house and lovely rural walks etc. in the 3 years I have been with my DP my parents have met my step children about 3 times. Only once at their house. We visited on another occasion to stay and look after their animals while they were away. So the kids have been there twice in 3 years. Yet they regularly ask when they can visit as it’s a lovely place, my DS visits a lot (he’s very close to his GP) and it’s only 10 minutes away from where their own GP live. My partners GP 100% welcome my DS and treat him as a grandchild, so they’re a total contrast.

I’m just dumbfounded really at my parents cruelty that they won’t let children (who have done nothing wrong, are a part of my family and who are genuinely lovely kids) visit for an hour or two a few times a year. I’m not asking her to treat them as her grandchildren, just to accept they’re part of my family. The kids are getting older and I’m sure they’re going to realise my family are rejecting them. None of my siblings have any interest in them either and I have accepted this as they live further away so barely see me or my son anyway, but how do I hide that my GP refuse to let them visit?

I’m really upset and just don’t know what to do as I obviously can’t prevent my son from having a relationship with his GP and they are my parents and I love them, but they’re making it clear that my family is not accepted by them and not wanted even for a few short visits a year (even though the grandkids of friends are allowed to visit more often than that). So, what do I do? Has anyone else navigated this sort of thing?

@MelchiorsMistress honestly this would make sense, but nope everyone else’s kids are welcome. Even my sister’s friend’s kids were welcomed round for an afternoon at Christmas, despite my parents having never met them before. It’s literally just my DPs children who aren’t welcome it seems.

Today the response to asking if we could all visit was ‘I’d rather not’ and later once it was clear I was hurt by it ‘I’m sorry about the kids’ and when I said that they’re my family and it hurts that they’re not welcome the response I got was ‘well that’s your choice, they’re not mine’.

Wow.

I find that shocking.

And yet they're so lovely to your DS. It would be easier to understand if they just don't like children full stop.

Have your step kids got their own grandparents? does your son go and see all four of them?

Yes, I agree with this. I feel so sorry for kids these days, they have no say in other kids being foisted on them as step siblings. Kids with several siblings all with a different parent, being forced to spend half of their time in two different homes with different rules and more strange step kids and their family’s. Adults make the choice to have a new relationship and everyone else has to blend at their will.

*I don't think it's inheritance more letting them in through the front door.

And I'm sorry but it takes a certain way of thinking to describe this scenario as "a bitter pill". I can't help but judge.*

Yes, but when they come through the door it quite quickly becomes "you absolutely cannot only buy a present for your DGC when SC are there you monster", or "how could you only pay attention to your DGC". So obviously it also comes with expectations, and on here at least, those expectations can be quite extreme (including inheritance).

I'm not surprised you judge. Many are very judgy about this. But of course it's somewhat of a bitter pill to face expectations to spend as much time and money on your child's SC as you do your GC, in a scenario where that's going from one child you know and love to several children you don't. That shouldn't be that surprising.

sorry they sound spiteful-they wont even come round and visit you?

wat happens whn you have the baby you got to go traisping round theres all the time

I'm not surprised you judge. Many are very judgy about this. But of course it's somewhat of a bitter pill to face expectations to spend as much time and money on your child's SC as you do your GC, in a scenario where that's going from one child you know and love to several children you don't. That shouldn't be that surprising.

No it's surprising to me. ( And to lots of people on this thread. )

They are children. And if they 'belonged' to other people I love. I'd be welcoming them too. As a privilege. From the people I know that's my only frame of reference. Anything else seems mean spirited.

The Dc and the DSCs all adore each other and there will be another in that mix. Frankly the GPS will be alienating themselves.

I think your parents just do not care about your step children. They are not biologically related to them and are not interested in getting to know them.
Very harsh for you and the children though.

All the comments about, "the kids will know and feel hurt" surely the kids will know it's not their grandparents?

I have a goddaughter with a brother, I pay her more attention and take her out as she's my goddaughter. Doesn't mean her brother is less of a person but he has his own godparents and they have their own relationship.

I'd want to spend time with my grandchildren, not the kids of the bloke my daughter was seeing. I wouldn't be rude to them, but it's definitely not the same thing.

I chose a relationship with a man who had children. I am not so unreasonable as to expect my parents to proceed to embrace said children like their own grandchildren, or indeed have any interest in them.

There is no real reason for my parents to spend time with them, likewise regarding my partners parents and my child. I highly doubt this will change in future.

The children are allowed to have some element of their lives that is not “shared” and actually, the grandparents is where it makes the most sense.

As a GP myself I think your parents are being really quite nasty. What skin is it off their nose to welcome your SC if it is your weekend. I certainly would not be putting myself out to visit and is that the sort of nasty exclusion you want to be portrayed to your DC about their half siblings? I would have a conversation with your mum pointing out that your SC are part of your family and either you are all welcome or none of you are. I would struggle to get past that and think quite differently about your parents.

Parents make these decisions every day tho. I foisted twins in DS full time as they're full siblings. I didn't ask his opinion. If things go wrong in our relationship and I choose to break up with DH, that's not a decision to discuss with a 7 yo for his opinion. Parents decide to foster or adopt and whilst they may discuss it with older kids, it isn't a decision you could put into a young child's shoulder.
You make it sound like there's a different bloke every other month with a process.ssion of strange kids invading their home.

@Iwonder08 if the 50/50 time with dad should be spent with Dad alone, how does that work? I've or the other nursery be always out? How does that impact on the shared kids? How can it be good for the children to share one of their homes with people they're not permitted to hang out with? What happens if Dad gets an emergency call and their Mom can't take them back? Do they sit in the shed all night?

I can see it from both sides. I wouldn’t force the relationship because there is no reason for them to be close to the child. If they are around the child I would expect them to be kind and respectful. But they also need to understand if they choose not to have anything to do with the child they won’t see their grandchildren as often. Because the child is part of your family, and that will always come first.

Yes, I agree with this. I feel so sorry for kids these days, they have no say in other kids being foisted on them as step siblings. Kids with several siblings all with a different parent, being forced to spend half of their time in two different homes with different rules and more strange step kids and their family’s. Adults make the choice to have a new relationship and everyone else has to blend at their

You can always take a positive view or a negative view of anything.

Luckily OP's DC & SDC , probably due to their thoughtful parents, "adore each other" and don't see each other as "strange step kids" rather as a bonus.

How old are the SC? and your own son?
where is SC's mum in this- do they see their maternal GPs?
Maybe your parents are trying to keep something special for their DS - almost protective over him so he doesn't lose out - he's having to share his mum, he doesn't have a dad...

I think I’d respond ‘You’ve been quite clear thank you. Understandably I will have to keep my distance more now as frankly this isn’t how you treat family, so this is telling me a lot about how you really see me.’

Today the response to asking if we could all visit was ‘I’d rather not’ and later once it was clear I was hurt by it ‘I’m sorry about the kids’ and when I said that they’re my family and it hurts that they’re not welcome the response I got was ‘well that’s your choice, they’re not mine’.

And my response to your mother's comments - "what a bitch".

Oh and by the way - just because you are your parents' child, doesn't mean you have to do what they say. Your comment about doing what they say because you are the child in the relationship stuck out for me. Yes you are their child, but you are now an adult, so the relationship should have more nuance and negotiation than that of a young child.

They seem to have an “all or nothing” approach which might seem a bit strange, but people are sometimes. Also they are not actually your stepchildren, nor are they step-grandchildren, they are your partners’ children so that may well affect their attitude. I would never be unkind or unwelcoming to any child but as a grandparent I love my GD to bits because she is my son’s child, I think I would find having to spend time with some random children I had no connection with a chore.

On the one hand I think what a-holes could reject children. None of the grandparents in my family would ever do so.
But thinking about your particular situation, that they seem to welcome all other children to their home... I think they are rejecting a grandparent role for the sc.
They might feel it would be a sliding slope of them coming for a visit, then Christmas, then you expecting them to be equal grandparents for all your children. They are drawing a line.
They probably feel protective over their grandchildren, and don't want other children to take their time and attention away from them. They might be worried that your SC are taking your attention away from their grandchildren and are doing what little they can to keep a “special" place for their grandchildren.

If it were me, I'd visit my parents alone and not let them see their grandson or the new baby until I can bring the stepchildren too. You don't have to be mean about it. Simply bring photos and if they ask about their grandson, show them a picture. Say, "I can only bring the kids if you accept me as I am with the family I have. By the way, my stepchildren are longing to visit you."

The fact they welcome friends kids they've never met but deliberately exclude your DSC would suggest they're just nasty people, I'd have a serious chat with them and point out they're being vile yo young kids who will be your child's siblings.

I can see that your parents don't want to be GP to this child. I think a discussion as to what you would be expecting of them - best case - might be welcome.

Personally, I don't think I would see them on my SC's weekends, if this is the attitude. When SC is here, you can legitimately say that you want to operate as a unit and make him feel welcome. Then it is up to them.

JC this is manipulative, and unfair to her own kids. They aren't pawns to be used like this.

Your parents are putting you in an awful situation.

Withholding access to your children to punish them for not seeing the step children only hurts your children. The step children will still have two sets of grandparents, whereas you're removing your own kids GPs to prove a point.

I wouldn't burn that bridge to be honest. I think that's very poor advice and short sighted.

The grown up thing to do would be to have a more in depth conversation face to face to explore why they feel the way they do. You can discuss your side and maybe reach a compromise.