DSD's mum starting to be a bit neglectful

[greydon]

I'm concerned about DP's DD (6yo), her mum has had a baby and I can't imagine how difficult it is (I don't have children myself), but I it's getting to the point that I'm going on at DP that he needs to do something about it. He's at a loss, sees the problems too but doesn't feel like he's in a position to criticise.

DSD's hygiene has gotten quite bad. She's had nits and worms. I've had to keep on a DP ask mum to treat her for the nits, I gave her a worming treatment and we were taking turns using a nit comb every time she stayed with us (50/50). But mum just wasn't doing it so DSD has had recurring nits since the new year.

DSD also says she forgets to brush her teeth at her Mum's, and that there is no soap in the bathrooms or kitchen there. She smells really bad, keeps saying her vulva is itchy and it sounds like she's getting infections.

The reading record is only filled out by myself and her dad, her teacher says she's a year behind on her reading.

DSD loves her Mum but I really worry that Mum is only interested in the baby now. We have her three nights in a row every other week and DSD struggles with not seeing her Mum for so long every other week but Mum says she doesn't want to change it to avoid the big gap between them seeing eachother.

I really feel sorry for the child, she's looked after well here but she keeps getting unwell and I feel like it's affecting her self confidence.

DP is not sure what he can do, he can only control how well she's looked after at our house. I feel there must be something else he can do, he's not in the best health and when he gets ill I feel I'm the only one looking after the child.

Not sure , nits are an absolute nightmare to get rid of.
Worms - quite common in children that age.
How do you know there's no soap ?
Could you buy her a gift set with toiletries in- just for her.

DSD says there is no soap at her Mum's house. I've popped in to use the loo before and assumed they'd just run out but DSD says they never have any.

DP had asked mum to do the comb on her days so we could comb every day, but DSD says her mum doesn't do it, just us. So I am frustrated that she still has them if her mum isn't treating her.

It's a good idea buying her a special soap to take back to her mum's, I'll try that thank you.

Is there a custody order? Is there a reason it isn’t 50/50, and would you be willing to have majority care, considering your SO isn’t well?

Yes, nits and worms can be common, but it sounds like more than that and she’s being neglected. Document everything. Take her to the doctors or pharmacy whenever you need to, and keep your receipts in case you need it later on.

You can’t make her mum being a better parent, but you and SO could take more responsibility and parent her yourselves.

We have similar issues. DSD is now 10. Things have got better but still aren't great. She tells us sometimes there is no loo roll at home for days and she has to use her knickers to wipe herself 😔

I know this is only a tiny part of the solution and it's not really about the nits, but forget combing. Just buy Hedrin Once at the chemist and use that. It's like napalm for nits. 100% works.

Is there a court order? If not, just say you want 50/50.

Yes we do have her 50/50, this is verbally agreed by DP and Mum.

I'll start documentation, I haven't been doing that.

I bought the giant bottle and have gotten through the lot. It was if we hadn't used anything. Honestly, it's really bad. The only thing that works for us is using the comb daily.

Try the worming treatment again can take 2 doses to shift and could be cause of itchy vulva too.
but on the bigger concerns - maybe a gp appointment? Dad could talk to the school re his concerns.
can he talk with mum?

Has your DP spoken to his ex about all this? I would start with just having the conversation, coparents should be able to discuss things. He could offer to have her more if she's struggling, but if it's you caring for her rather than him then you need to be happy with this.

I would get her a short haircut if she doesn't already have one. And buy her some soap and shower gel, and teach her how to clean her own body with it.

It's slightly confusing where you said you have 50/50 but then said you have her 3 days every other week. How does it work?

Poor girl, that sounds miserable for her. For a six year old to smell the neglect must be pretty bad. Can you offer to have her a bit longer so you can comb the nits every day, keep an eye on her bedding etc. Same for the worms. There is no excuse for DSD's mother to not keep up the treatment at home. Definitely keep a log of everything.

Are the school concerned, has anyone referred her for help? Does mum know there are worries?

Yes, we alternate weeks to try and make sure DSD doesn't miss either parent too much. So the three in a row isn't the only time she's here. It's just a long stint that she struggles with as the rest of the week is one night here, one night there and every other week two nights at her Mum's if that makes any sense.

He has tried speaking to her, I'm not there for those conversations so I don't really know what's said.

I've asked if I can take her for a hair cut but she's got lice so I've not been able to. She's got long hair, a bit of a nightmare to deal with as her scalp is sore.

It does, and I thought that's what probably happened. The nits aside, I think i only bathed my child every other night at that age, so if she can have a wash every other night at least at yours, I'm surprised she smells.

That's what makes me think that she's got an infection. I checked her underwear to make sure she hadn't soiled herself, the smell was really strong bless her.

Indeed, must be an infection.

But what does your partner say to you is said in these discussions?

This is sounding like severe neglect for this child, is there no HV for the baby, the house must smell if there isnt any c leaning or washing of bodies going on?

Does mum have a partner, a male partner and does your step daughter have contact with this person?

He just says he's spoken to her.

I don't know if there is a HV. The house is dirty, but Mum has apparently always been that way and the problems are new, since baby was born.

Mum has a boyfriend who lives with them, I don't think much of him to be honest.

Are you able to take her to the doctor to see if she has a urine infection.

Dont you ask your partner what was discussed and how he is going to resolve this for his daughter?

I would take her to the doctor regarding the infection and longterm itching smell from the vagina.

Give her hair a little trim yourself and maybe there's some support you and partner can give to her mum to help the situation.

Might also be good to talk with school to see if they've noticed anything?

I don’t know what you mean about the custody schedule but if she’s with you 50% of the time, you or SO can read with her every night and that should be enough? Reading 3-4 times a week should fulfil what the school expects.

If she has an infection take her to the doctors. As PP said she shouldn’t need daily baths at 6 so shouldn’t smell. Cut her hair yourself?

Is your SO is leaving all parenting to you, and so is her mum?

Your DP needs to take her to see the GP and get this 'on the record' and check for a UTI or infection.

If she has nits that badly, chances are you'll all get them, including her Mum and the new baby.

Why does your DP not tell you about the conversations he has with his ex?

We do read with her every night, but she obviously needs more. We've got education city that she really enjoys but she's still using reception level as year 1 is too difficult.

I took her to the doctors when this all started, I'll ask DP to book another appointment. I'll see if she lets me cut her hair, last time I took her to the hair dressers they found lice and it was so embarrassing for her.

I've been making sure she showers as baths won't do her any good and DP goes in to make sure she's washing effectively.