DSD's mum starting to be a bit neglectful

[greydon]

I'm concerned about DP's DD (6yo), her mum has had a baby and I can't imagine how difficult it is (I don't have children myself), but I it's getting to the point that I'm going on at DP that he needs to do something about it. He's at a loss, sees the problems too but doesn't feel like he's in a position to criticise.

DSD's hygiene has gotten quite bad. She's had nits and worms. I've had to keep on a DP ask mum to treat her for the nits, I gave her a worming treatment and we were taking turns using a nit comb every time she stayed with us (50/50). But mum just wasn't doing it so DSD has had recurring nits since the new year.

DSD also says she forgets to brush her teeth at her Mum's, and that there is no soap in the bathrooms or kitchen there. She smells really bad, keeps saying her vulva is itchy and it sounds like she's getting infections.

The reading record is only filled out by myself and her dad, her teacher says she's a year behind on her reading.

DSD loves her Mum but I really worry that Mum is only interested in the baby now. We have her three nights in a row every other week and DSD struggles with not seeing her Mum for so long every other week but Mum says she doesn't want to change it to avoid the big gap between them seeing eachother.

I really feel sorry for the child, she's looked after well here but she keeps getting unwell and I feel like it's affecting her self confidence.

DP is not sure what he can do, he can only control how well she's looked after at our house. I feel there must be something else he can do, he's not in the best health and when he gets ill I feel I'm the only one looking after the child.

Agree with all this. Worms and nits are unfortunately very normal for 6 year olds, but they're only really learning to look after their own personal hygiene at this stage. It's face and teeth, and not really without supervision. They can wipe their own bums but have to be reminded to use soap when hand washing.

As for the smell, it's not normal. We were only washed once a week when we were that age and we didn't smell, my dc6 has 2 baths a week and doesn't either.

You need to outline in no uncertain terms to your DP that until he sorts this out that he's as responsible for it as DM is. If that means his DC has to be with him 100% for the moment then that needs to happen now.

If she's going back to her Mum's who isn't washing all the bedsheets and hoovering everything she will just keep getting the worms over and over.

The headlice are probably being caught repeatedly in school, we had years where they were constant. Can you teach her to tie her hair back. Definitely push to get her a gp appointment about it, severe worm infections can get in the vagina and cause lots of irritation.

It is a huge concern and personally I would be referring to ss /mash referral sp that some support can be put in place for the mother / protection for the daughter.

Oh bless you OP, you're a wonderful stepmum.

Just another quick observation about the smell. As others have said, daily washing at that age should not be necessary, even twice a week should be fine for a 6yo in normal circumstances. The smell could be due to an infection. But might also be her clothing. Does she have clothes at yours? Do you know whether laundry is being done at her mum's place? Maybe she could bring her laundry to yours?

If she says she is itchy down there and you are worried about a potential infection, then your DP should take her to see a GP.

Agree with this comment, to get rid of worms you need to wash all the bedding, nightwear, clothes that have be worn and vacuum. Pretty sure you can go to the doctors for severe infections as well. If her bed isn’t being washed at the other house then they are going to come back.

As an aside we would use that suffocating mouse on nits and I think if you used this on your nights it would help a lot.
I would actually talk to the school it’s abuse in my opinion.

I'm wondering if it would be possible for her to come to you every day. Either from end of school to dinnertime, then go to her mum's after dinner to sleep, or the other way around (go to her mum's after school for a couple hours then come to you for dinner and sleep). That way you could ensure she has a wash every day, you could comb the nits out daily, etc.

I would be worried about the smell; it suggests a lot of bacteria in the area and of course girls are more prone to UTI's than boys if there is any sort of bacteria there. You don't want her to get long-term problems from an untreated issue in the area.

OP mentioned at the start that her SO is unwell so care falls to her. Perhaps even if it went to court he wouldn’t be awarded any extra overnights. The person who’s doing most of the parenting here is OP, and she has no parenting rights, and may not want more responsibility.

There are smelly kids who don’t read at home in most classrooms in the country. As in OP’s case they are happy, love their parents and accept the status quo. The only difference here is that OP’s SD is lucky enough so have someone in her life who cares enough to take her for haircuts and doctor’s visits, read with her and post about her on parenting forums.

Where does it say he's unwell @Vastula?

@Vastula But at some point, smelly children are likely to be bullied by their properly washed peers. Should her DP wait until his daughter is being picked on?!

Last bit of the OP.

Yes, I was wondering about laundry, too.

I volunteer in child protection and have received extensive training. There are lots of red flags, that indicate neglect. The biggest red flag appears to be mum’s current partner.
I would advise phoning the safeguarding lead at the school or phone the NSPCC. Your concerns will be treated anonymously.
I’m glad to hear that you raising these concerns , by prioritising the poor girl’s welfare and wellbeing.

If she's the type of mother to restrict access then he definitely needs a more formal agrement rather than just a verbal one. I say this from experience.

My DH and his ex had a verbal 50/50 agreement which was going fine for about a year until she didn't get her own way one time and refused access for 2 months. They didn't have to go to court but instead arranged a mediation appointment in which custody arrangement was discussed and agreed with an impartial person involved. This also covered special occasions, xmas etc. And notice period for requesting changes. The mediator drafted the agreement, it waa signed by both parents and their lawyers and was then sent to the court. Since then there have been no issues with access. He could also use the opportunity to discuss any concerns with DD.

In the OP, it says he’s not in the best of health and when he’s ill, care falls to the OP

Call the NSPCC for advice re: your concerns.

Big red flag that the mums partner doesn’t have contact with his other children and that the concerns have developed since he arrived.

To help could you make her up a pack of toiletries, face cloth, sponge, loo roll etc and emphasise it's for her to use at her mum's. She can then bring it with her to yours and you can check she is using it and refill it.

That poor girl. It all sounds very worrying. I know your DP is not well, but hell, it’s his daughter suffering neglect, can’t he stir himself a little bit to actually do something about it?

If she's getting washed at yours every other day why is she smelly? A six year old doesn't need daily baths.

I don't have any advice but have sympathy because I have been through similar. Absolute nightmare, especially with worms as breaking the cycle of reinfection takes consistent attention to hygiene, as well as being very clean in the home and washing everything.

The itchy vulva could well also be worms.

The only way I ever got anywhere with this was by making it very clear that if DSD went to school with poor hygiene and repeated urinary tract infections/smelling of wee, we will all be reported to social services. There is only so much you can do to manage these kind of issues at one house, all members of both households need to be treated for worms and do all the cleaning body and home stuff. Pants in bed, shower first thing, hand washing, no hands in mouth, soft items hot washed incl bedding daily, toilet seats/touchable surfaces wiped. It's the only way.

Sorry you are going through this nightmare.

They do if they have worms! Morning shower. Is smelling a urinary continence issue by any chance?

A 6 year old is not able to manage her own personal care, especially not when she has something like worms. This requires a lot of attention from adults. I would call NSPCC and ask for advice. Sending a care package is just papering over the cracks; a child should not be made responsible for these things.

Take her to the doctor if she has a suspected UTI but be aware this is quite serious, repeated UTIs are a flag trigger safeguarding referrals at primary schools. Is she being fed well/given enough water at mum's?

Whilst the nits and worms are common. The lack of soap and body odour is an issue. I would be concerned that Mum might have postnatal depression.

Also, what do school think? They most have noticed if you have and its that bad. It does sound like this needs documenting and addressing properly. Might be worth asking Mum how she is and if even is OK? Would she take that OK from you or DP? If not, could school speak to her if DP spoke to DSD teacher?

Ultimately, it sounds like it might need to go through courts or social care, but you might not want that. If Mum gets support and treatment, if she does have postnatal depression that would be best for everyone.

In my situation it was a combination of mum feeding DSD a poor diet, not washing her properly, not ensuring she kept her fingers out of her mouth, not making sure she drank enough water, not paying attention to urinary continance issues, not cleaning bedding when she had worms etc. Believe me these things can have an impact in 50:50 no matter how diligent you are in your household.