DSD's mum starting to be a bit neglectful

[greydon]

I'm concerned about DP's DD (6yo), her mum has had a baby and I can't imagine how difficult it is (I don't have children myself), but I it's getting to the point that I'm going on at DP that he needs to do something about it. He's at a loss, sees the problems too but doesn't feel like he's in a position to criticise.

DSD's hygiene has gotten quite bad. She's had nits and worms. I've had to keep on a DP ask mum to treat her for the nits, I gave her a worming treatment and we were taking turns using a nit comb every time she stayed with us (50/50). But mum just wasn't doing it so DSD has had recurring nits since the new year.

DSD also says she forgets to brush her teeth at her Mum's, and that there is no soap in the bathrooms or kitchen there. She smells really bad, keeps saying her vulva is itchy and it sounds like she's getting infections.

The reading record is only filled out by myself and her dad, her teacher says she's a year behind on her reading.

DSD loves her Mum but I really worry that Mum is only interested in the baby now. We have her three nights in a row every other week and DSD struggles with not seeing her Mum for so long every other week but Mum says she doesn't want to change it to avoid the big gap between them seeing eachother.

I really feel sorry for the child, she's looked after well here but she keeps getting unwell and I feel like it's affecting her self confidence.

DP is not sure what he can do, he can only control how well she's looked after at our house. I feel there must be something else he can do, he's not in the best health and when he gets ill I feel I'm the only one looking after the child.

I think this is a serious issues as a child's welfare is on the line but before you go calling outsiders, you both (DH really but if you're also taking care of herself then you do need to be there as her caring stepmum) need to bite the bullet and speak to the mum first. If she's proving difficult I'd let her know it's bad enough to involve social services and you will do so either for support for her or safeguarding or both, if she isn't willing to do something about her child's welfare.

Meanwhile, I'll be sure to take her to the GP first and have her checked out, both for the child's sake and also so you can have some record of something incase it gets to that point.

I would suggest putting your concerns in writing to the mum and asking her to sign up to both doing certain tasks in both houses to manage the issue. Doesn't have to be hostile but would be good to agree to a plan to address ongoing issues.

My suggestion of providing supplies was not to suggest this was the only action needed but to give her some special personal items for her own use if her mum really does not have loo roll say.

I would frame it as an agreement to work together to prevent recurring health issues, which if left untreated are likely to be seen as red flags for neglect at school and lead to a social services referral, as well as discomfort and social exclusion for DSD. I would set out what needs doing at both houses and all agree to it. In writing is necessary.

I understand your reasoning, but this is basically enabling the neglectful behavior of the mother rather than making the mother confront the issue and take action, which is what needs to happen.

Yes this is one of the reasons school will flag this up.

I agree. It doesn't need to be hostile. Just a discussion and agreement between 3 living parents of a little girl.

*loving

This doesn't make sense. If she is with you 50% of the time she shouldn't smell or have nits. 6 year olds don't need daily bathing, once or twice a week is fine.

Nits and worms are picked up very commonly regardless of hygiene. Worm and Nit treatment shouldn't need doing repetitively or twice a week ever.

My DC's school say reading should be done 3 times a week. If you have her 50-50 then it makes sense for dad to pick up the slack on that while they have a small baby. I know a very attentive and protective parent, who used to be a teacher even, and they told me in the playground just today that they don't do school reading anymore with their DC since they had a baby 5 months ago. So not reading isn't always a sign of neglect, especially in this case when they know dad has more time and is doing it.

yes it's a good idea for your partner to frame it as 'teamwork' to her mum. 'We need to do this' and 'We need to do that'.

Also perhaps you could try to get a GP appointment for her next 3 day visit. You an say she was itching and itching and you managed to get a same day appointment by luck, to get it looked at. No bad thing for her to be checked over and it be on record.

Take her asap to the GP who can investigate source of bad smell and will at the same time check there are no signs of abuse. Explain situation to GP: DSD lives part-time with mother and her new male partner. Since partner moved in, you have been increasingly concerned about her care. Now she is distressed by itching down below and there is a smell issue.

It's probably worms, in which case GP can prescribe something better. But do get her to a doctor.

maybe rtft.

Considering there is no court order in addition to this level of neglect, your partner is within his rights to keep his daughter in his care and not send her back to mums until things can be guaranteed to improve. This poor child is suffering and someone has to do something. Or before doing anything like the above, see if your partner can speak to the mum and ask if she would agree for her to live with him.

People are politely asking about mums boyfriend as child has an infection that can be caused by sexual abuse. I know this is horrible to think but she NEEDS to go to a doctor and have the pants rules taught to her think it’s nspcc dioosaurs sorry to be blunt every child should be taught this her mum can’t be bothered to educate or wash her I think this will need to come from you! I hope we’re wrong but you need to check she’s not being abused!