DSD's mum starting to be a bit neglectful

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I'm concerned about DP's DD (6yo), her mum has had a baby and I can't imagine how difficult it is (I don't have children myself), but I it's getting to the point that I'm going on at DP that he needs to do something about it. He's at a loss, sees the problems too but doesn't feel like he's in a position to criticise.

DSD's hygiene has gotten quite bad. She's had nits and worms. I've had to keep on a DP ask mum to treat her for the nits, I gave her a worming treatment and we were taking turns using a nit comb every time she stayed with us (50/50). But mum just wasn't doing it so DSD has had recurring nits since the new year.

DSD also says she forgets to brush her teeth at her Mum's, and that there is no soap in the bathrooms or kitchen there. She smells really bad, keeps saying her vulva is itchy and it sounds like she's getting infections.

The reading record is only filled out by myself and her dad, her teacher says she's a year behind on her reading.

DSD loves her Mum but I really worry that Mum is only interested in the baby now. We have her three nights in a row every other week and DSD struggles with not seeing her Mum for so long every other week but Mum says she doesn't want to change it to avoid the big gap between them seeing eachother.

I really feel sorry for the child, she's looked after well here but she keeps getting unwell and I feel like it's affecting her self confidence.

DP is not sure what he can do, he can only control how well she's looked after at our house. I feel there must be something else he can do, he's not in the best health and when he gets ill I feel I'm the only one looking after the child.

Surely a bath would be better than a shower? A whole body soak. Especially if she’s not that good at washing herself the water and soap probably isn’t getting to the right places. At least in the bath the water is getting to her vulva and underarms (assuming she also smells within her armpits.)

I don't understand how things are getting so bad if she's with you 50% of the time?
Surely she can bath etc every other night.
If her dad thinks she has an infection why hasn't he taken her to the doctor?

Has the teacher said she’s a year behind? I have a six year old SD too (and her mum doesn’t read with her much) and she’s behind too, but she’s actually not far behind the bulk of her class. Covid had a big impact to all of the children and they’re expecting much lower SATs scores for this year group as a result. It could be that?

Perhaps you can offer to have her more as a favour to her mum, and send her back with some new child-friendly soaps toiletries. Hopefully she’ll gravitate to spending more time with you as she gets older.

Is your SO incapable of doing nit combing and cutting hair and doctors’ trips?

I'm also a bit confused about the schedule but reading 3/4 times a week is adequate. If she is a year behind in reading then the school should be communicating with your dp about how things can be improved.

Your dp can't make his ex be a better parent, especially as what you describe is basic hygiene that shouldn't need to be explained.

She needs to go to the doctor about the itchiness. I agree about how lice are a nightmare to get rid of

I wouldn't be leaving her to wash unsupervised and if she is smelly either you or DP should be scrubbing her down until this is under control tbh.

Try using Nitwitz head lice treatment.

Why has she not been taken to see a doctor yet about the potential infection?

Hedrin Once ideally needs two treatments 7 days apart. Also it's worth informing the school because she could be getting reinfected from classmates rather than you not getting rid of them.
Ovex is two treatments two weeks apart and again do inform the school because children are probably spreading worms between them. One of my DDs seemed to get them frequently at primary school.

We had this with DSDs and still do on and off. Depending on what is going on in Mum's life their care at her home can differ and she's never been keen on doing the 'boring' bits of bringing up kids. We have them 50/50 and we just kept up what we did during their time with us and as they got older they picked up on some of those habits for basic hygiene and would carry them on themselves without prompting at Mum's. Same with homework and reading they started doing it themselves at Mum's unsupervised. Had a right nightmare with nits and worms once too. But again just powered on with treating.

We are having to ramp it up again now as eldest DSD is approaching puberty and starting to get a bit pongy so again encouraging daily showers etc in the hope she will choose to keep on with the good habits and Mums.

You're doing all the right things, I used to find it very frustrating and used to get quite angry about it. But as time has gone I had to drop feeling like that as it eats away and isn't productive. Just put my energy into doing our best for them at home with us :)

Her Dad doesn’t sound great either, why are you having to pester him for basic care for his daughter. Why hasn’t he taken his child to the doctor repeatedly over these issues. If you have her every other night most of the time then doesn’t that mean you see her everyday? Surely that is enough for her Dad to keep on top of her hygiene.

If this was my child and the coparent wasn’t looking after her best interests I would actively be dealing with it, he doesn’t seem that interested. His ex is managing DD and a new baby, he doesn’t sound to be doing either.

This final paragraph, OP!

It’s easy to be frustrated at poor parenting when you care about the kid, but it doesn’t sound like her neglect would cross any social services boundaries, so you just have to do what you can.

I’d echo a previous poster’s question as to whether she has a stepdad figure at her mum’s though, and book the doctors’ appointment.

We've had similar issues with my DSDs mum. She doesn't have another baby or anything, just seems to be lazy when it comes to parenting.

We were keeping a diary of concerns but stopped as it was just the same things being written each week.

DH has spoken to her a few times about concerns but she just hangs up / slams the door or tells him she doesn't have to answer to him. Or she'll agree to do something then doesn't.

We have 50/50 custody, week on week off. DSD never gets a bath or shower at mums. We've had to cut knots and matts out her hair before. She is left with her teenage brother a lot. DSD has eczema and suspected athsma. Mum refuses to give her the prescribed creams and inhalers. We get her eczema under control then she goes to mum's for a week and it's terrible again. DH takes photos of DSD legs before and after being at mums. DH has spoken to her about but nothing changed.

After we took her to the doctors because she was constantly coughing, they prescribed inhalers. Her mum refused to use them and binned them. She called the doctor and gave them misinformation, claiming DSD never coughs etc. Thankfully due to conflicting information from both parents, the doctor has referred DSD and an appointment has been made for mum and dad both to attend.

DH has records of calling NHS24, the nursery have confirmed she coughs a lot there too. This is why you need to document everything. Definitely get to the doctor at least so it's on record.

Honestly it's so hard when all you want is the best for the little one, especially when the person who should care the most doesn't seem to care much at all.

Have these issues only cropped up since baby was born? Were there concerns previously? If not it sounds like maybe she has post natal depression. For everyone sake I think it's best it's addressed. Does mum have a partner you could speak to instead? You seem to be on decent terms in you've used her toilet. Obviously approach the subject delicately, but someone definitely has to bring it up. She might even be relieved someone's noticed she's struggling.

Just to echo others:

Hedrin Once. And then tea tree oil brushed through to minimise reinfection.
Send her off to mum's with soap, shower gel, hand wash etc.
Good baths or showers (supervised) when she is with you.
Reading: just do your best with her. There are apps like "Teach your monster to read" that are genuinely fun and can keep kids engaged in phonics.

Thank you for the reassurance.

Yes, mum has a boyfriend living with them, he has three children.

I'll moan at DP again for a GP visit. He's not doing enough in my eyes but I try not to criticise as I don't have children.

Poor little thing. At this age she'll need help with washing. Even if she's not getting washed at her mums she shouldn't be smelling - take her to the doctor about that.

It took 6 months of combing every other night to get rid of nits in DD3 last year. The fuckers were an absolute nightmare, my elder two (teens) had them once at a similar age to DD3 and they were gone within 3 weeks.

There’s no soap in my house. Plenty of hand wash and gel though. My 7YO wouldn’t think to say “No soap but other things are available”.

It’s less likely to be Mum now doesn’t give a fuck about DD and more that she may have a baby that’s extremely high needs and is draining her. DD3 was one of those babies - she didn’t sleep for more than 2 hours, couldn’t lie flat due to reflux, was in pain and cried a lot. I also cried a lot as doing anything, including basic stuff with elder DDs took three times as long and I was wiped out.

If it’s only been since the baby arrived then I’d cut her some slack. Nits are picked up at school, as are worms, and the sore vulva could be due to the worms and/or not wiping properly.

As a Muslim, we use a jug of warm water to wash ourselves when going for the toilet this is something you could suggest to your stepdaughter to do if there is no toilet roll in her mothers house. My 4 year old does it so its manageable for a 6 Yr old to do. We basically pour it down to wash off urine and its better than toilet roll.
Besides that, it sounds totally dreadful, dirty home, recurring headlice, no hygiene, smelly knickers and possible uti as well as thrush sounds terrible. The baby could also be being neglected too, I think you should speak with the school and social services. It doesn't sound great at all.

I think you kind of do have children - you have a stepchild who you obviously care for and are concerned about. I'd find it hard to respect a partner who wasn't taking as much care for his own child as I was for a stepchild, to be honest.

It's not moaning, it's expressing concern that a child is not being taken care of properly. He gets on it and ensures it gets better because it's his child.

Your DP needs to step up. No good parent would stand by and watch their own flesh and blood be neglected like this. Fight for custody!

Oh OP, been there, done that.
It's really tough. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that this has fallen on you and you sound a really lovely stepmum, your DSD sounds lovely also ♥

Have to agree. You don't have to have birthed a child to know what's right and wrong. It is concerning that her dad needs to be moaned at to seek medical help for his child.

I agree that a bath would be better for getting in all the nooks and crannies at that age.

I don't think it's bad enough for SS or going to court. DP wouldn't support either of those.

I don't want to discount PND as I thought she was a good mum before she met her boyfriend. But her relationship with DP has broken down since this guy has come on the scene.

I do worry about her.

Nots and worms are extremely common and a total nightmare to get rid of. If she's with you 3 days a week I can't imagine she's that dirty amd smelly. Do you wash her?

Click ‘see all’ to the OP’s posts.

Worms enter the vagina, no suggestion of thrush