DSD's mum starting to be a bit neglectful

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I'm concerned about DP's DD (6yo), her mum has had a baby and I can't imagine how difficult it is (I don't have children myself), but I it's getting to the point that I'm going on at DP that he needs to do something about it. He's at a loss, sees the problems too but doesn't feel like he's in a position to criticise.

DSD's hygiene has gotten quite bad. She's had nits and worms. I've had to keep on a DP ask mum to treat her for the nits, I gave her a worming treatment and we were taking turns using a nit comb every time she stayed with us (50/50). But mum just wasn't doing it so DSD has had recurring nits since the new year.

DSD also says she forgets to brush her teeth at her Mum's, and that there is no soap in the bathrooms or kitchen there. She smells really bad, keeps saying her vulva is itchy and it sounds like she's getting infections.

The reading record is only filled out by myself and her dad, her teacher says she's a year behind on her reading.

DSD loves her Mum but I really worry that Mum is only interested in the baby now. We have her three nights in a row every other week and DSD struggles with not seeing her Mum for so long every other week but Mum says she doesn't want to change it to avoid the big gap between them seeing eachother.

I really feel sorry for the child, she's looked after well here but she keeps getting unwell and I feel like it's affecting her self confidence.

DP is not sure what he can do, he can only control how well she's looked after at our house. I feel there must be something else he can do, he's not in the best health and when he gets ill I feel I'm the only one looking after the child.

I'd have thought a bath is better as she will be sat in water rather than relying on splashing it onto herself

Sounds like you’re right to be concerned and it must be hard for SD to go from being an only child to one of five at her mum’s. Are her step-siblings living there?

You’re right that it’s unlikely to meet the threshold for SS as you’re picking up the slack in your household. One of the hardest things about step-parenting is when values aren’t aligned, and even more so when co-parents don’t get along.

Does mum have a partner, a male partner and does your step daughter have contact with this person?

I think this question is an important one. Treading very very carefully here but a change in personal hygiene and UTIs in children can sometimes be signs that they have been sexually abused. Hopefully this is completely impossible in your scenario, but I would want to be absolutely sure that she is safe if I were you.

Aside from this, I think given that her mum's new partner seems to be eroding the existing relationship between SD's parents, and has caused a change in the way that her mum cares for her, it's extra important to keep an eye on things and keep the channels of communication open between you and SD. Document, document, document, just as PPs say. Try to have her with you as much as you can, maintain the trust there, and keep communicating with the school and GP. Whatever is going on is really not serving her well right now, no matter the root cause.

His two from other mums don't live there. He's not allowed to see one of them, currently going through court.

I've done a Sarah's law check on him and it was clear but I am very aware of the risk to her.

The dad needs to be doing more, both parents are at fault here.
If she's not being washed, has constant nits & infections and dads neglecting to take her to the GP then it's not good.

They both need to pull their socks up and dad maybe needs to take over care to ensure she's not being neglected. You can't let this continue poor kid.

Also be careful using soap if she's getting infections it can make it worse. She needs plain bath water.

Just a tip on the nits - do your treatment, combing, and then use a straightener - GHD's if you have them. Nothing is surviving the heat of them. It really works. The days she's with you, straighten her hair morning and night, as close to the root as you can get and really go through it carefully.

Obviously we don't want to be straightening a little girls hair regularly but as a nit killing technique it's a good one to add to the arsenal along with treatment and combing.

I'd find it hard to respect a partner who wasn't taking as much care for his own child as I was for a stepchild, to be honest.

I agree, @Squamata. I’m afraid your DO is being lazy, OP, he needs to step up. It’s not acceptable for his child to be smelly and not being taken to the doctor’s for a suspected UTI.

Would he have wanted his own parents to allow him to get smelly and not take him to the doctor’s, or would he consider that neglectful?

My DS has never showered daily due to his eczema. He doesn’t smell. If she is with you 50% of the time it’s confusing why she is so bad. Nits should be okay with combing every other day and a treatment on the 3 day stretch she’s with you. Would her Mum let you have her full time?

Maybe her mum has PND, and is struggling with keeping on top of things. Or does she have a baby that doesn't sleep? Have you checked she is okay? She may need support rather than criticism.

This would come under a safeguarding concern OP, this level of neglect. Please speak to the school or social services - I know it is difficult if you dont have parental rights but you sound like the only adult in her life who is bothering. Drag your DP with you. It is also important that it is logged that he has noticed and tried to take action if something worse were to happen.
As above, I'd also be very concerned about the new partner if this has all happened since he arrived on the scene, both because as a PP said, frequent infections can be due to sexual abuse, and because her mum seems to have changed and disconnected and isolated herself. Or, that could be PND and she needs some help.

I would take her to the gp so it's recorded

The OP’s concern is, rightly, for the little girl.

Exactly, @Doesthepopeshitinthewoods and her DP needs a kick in the pants. She should also prioritize his DD.

I think I'd consider telling her mum that with the new baby and all, she must be exhausted so you and DH would like to have DSD stay with you for, oh, two weeks with frequent visits and phone calls to her. It'd give you and him a chance to have her seen by a GP, really treat her 'infestations' and possible infections and to feed her up and 'catch her up' with her schoolwork. A temporary answer to the situation I know, but at least it's a start. And perhaps it could end up with DSD either spending more days per week with you or even living with you full time.

I know you said she's so attached to her mum, but she may actually settle in well for a 'long visit' in a peaceful home in which she receives one on one attention as well as being physically taken care of. She can be the priority in your home in a way she can't be with her mum.

I'd find it hard to respect a partner who wasn't taking as much care for his own child as I was for a stepchild, to be honest.

I agree.

He needs an urgent appointment with the GP for her infection. He should be working much closer with the school on reading and the whole neglect issue. Presumably the school think both households are allowing this to happen.

He should explain to his DD how to prevent the spread of worms and teach her how to wash - and the important of brushing her teeth twice a day.

But he really needs to have serious conversations with her mother and, if he wants your help he should be open about these.

If his ex won't discuss it or refuses to change then is her dad seriously going to let this continue?

Nothing to add OP, just wanted to say I have a DC6 and this is heartbreaking to read. I'm really glad that she at least has you. Her DM and DF are both failing her massively.

Your DP is allowing his child to be neglected, even benign neglect is still neglect and as other posters have alluded to, if there is another male figure she is living with the itching and the smell and possible infection, could point to abuse. Not saying it definitely is or isn't but on the slim off chance it is you really don't want to be taking any chances, could you live with yourself?

You need to sit your OP down and have a serious conversation with him and if he won't take it seriously I'd be re-evaluating the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone who'd allow their child to be neglected. That poor little girl must be so unhappy.

I agree and feel like a broken record at this point. He clearly is trying, but is really scared of his ex refusing contact or dropping his days down as he sees the mother as having all of the control.

To be honest, the child seems happy most of the time. But I'm really not impressed by the amount of heavy lifting required to get this child up to a basic standard of care.

how is she not clean then? most 6 year olds don't bathe every night. Even if her longest stint away from you and her dad is 3 days thats not long enough for her to be so dirty its neglectful.
and Try olive oil on her hair suffocated the nits and they all drop off. Could be other children have nits at school and there's not much you can do, they will keep coming back if other kids have it.
also she's six, she should be able to wash and dress herself by now. I would get her dad to start getting her to have a wash and brush teeth alone at bedtime so it becomes habit. agree agree pp to buy soap special, fun, kid soap just for her.

kids are grimey little things though. I wouldn't be very worried if you have her 50 50 though,

Realistically OP, it’s his ex who’ll risk losing contact if her child isn’t being properly cared for at her house.

Your DP simply can’t sit back because he’s scared, he needs to advocate for his DD.

A shower is definitely better than sitting and stewing in her own filth in the bath while it (and soap) all goes inside her vagina and messes with her pH balance.

At this age and because of the struggles she's obviously having - bless her - she deserves a family member to help wash her down (and teach her along the way) almost everyday or every other day for probably a week or two. Good soap and running water will help wash dirt off immediately rather than stewing in it for how ever long.

Get her properly moisturised afterwards and help her do everything she needs to do for basic hygiene care (while she learns along the way).

Six is too young to be left alone to sort herself out especially when she hasn't really been taught properly in the first place.

You're doing the right thing OP. Dad and mum need to step up. Dad especially, since mum has the excuse of a new baby, though she should be doing more for her child, not shacking up with a bf while her child isn't properly looked after.

I agree she needs to be taken to the GP to check for and sort out infections.

Hi can still do things like take her to the Dr, and as a PP said the ex is more likely to be the one to not see the DD if your DP can demonstrate he has been taking good care of DD and the neglect is happening on the ex's watch. If he has parental responsibility she can't prevent him from seeing her, but his cowardice will definitely impact her

This. His DD is dirty, infected, uncomfortable, struggling at school. And yet he's happy to let it continue because he's scared of his ex?

If his ex witholds access then he goes to court, with a thick file of details of the persistent neglect.

This little girl may be happy-go-lucky at six, but if this carries on it will impact her overall health and wellbeing, her education, confidence and social life. It's really bloody sad.

Well said, @MeridianB