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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Grown up stepson moved back in, maybe forever

43 replies

scarletwoman23 · 25/02/2023 20:44

My now 30 year old stepson moved back in with us 18 months ago when the Covid restrictions started easing. At first he was looking for a job, then eventually found a job and things were ok, if not perfect. Then, a few months ago he gave his notice, saying he was suffering from panic attacks when going to work and was unable to hold a job, ANY job. He's been on anti-depressants since and in touch with various NHS mental health units.

The problem is, I see a pattern. He was like this when he lived with his mum then she got fed up and he moved in with us a first time when he was a teenager. He got better with us then and found a job and met a girlfriend then mental health issues kicked in and he moved in with his girlfriend. They were both on the dole and happy.

He spends his days in his bedroom chatting to his friends online and hardly ever goes out. On top of the mental health issues, he also has, or will have, physical issues, as he is vastly overweight and spends his days eating snacks and drinking soft drinks by the gallon.

His father, my husband, was thinking of retiring next year but now thinks he will not be able to as he will have to support his son.

I live in fear that something happens to my husband (his health is not great) and I will have to keep working to keep my stepson fed and watered.

He has a mother, who he refuses to be in touch with (even though she tries to contact him on a regular basis) and relatives on his mother's side.

He does not seem to be interested in any romantic entanglement, he's happy to just chat with his mates and play online with them.

He may well have mental health issues but when I get up at 4am to go to work, I can't help feeling resentful when I hear him still typing away and laughing, knowing that he will not surface before lunchtime while his father and I work shifts.

A couple of years ago, even on the dole, he used to go out and meet friends and had a social life. Now his whole social life is spent online. "Exercise" is walking to the corner shop to buy biscuits.

Sometimes I believe him as he has self-harmed a few times and says he had suicidal ideas. Sometimes I feel like he's taking us for a ride as he's always laughing with his online friends, even disrupting my sleep as he's in the next room shouting at the top of his voice.

We can't give him a deadline as he is supposed to be starting a therapy.

He has signed up for voluntary work one morning a week (to get out of the house and see real people) but even this is too much as he keeps missing his shifts and lying to us about it.

I am aware it happens a lot nowadays but usually the kid lives with mom and dad. In our case, it was imposed on me and. as much as I'm happy to try to help him and motivate him, I feel like nothing works and the situation is getting worse and worse.

The only thing we can do now is wait for him to start his therapy and see if anything changes.

OP posts:
Wombats67 · 25/02/2023 20:47

You're being held hostage in your own home.

He's a grown up. He can go into supportef housing if necessary. Not your responsibility.

Iwonder08 · 25/02/2023 20:59

You don't have to.. You know. Tell his dad that it is causing you mental health issues, being around this lazy, entitled man. Even if he has mental health issues and it is not all made up it doesn't give him a license to just sponge from you. His dad needs to be given a timeline to remove him from the property.

Quitelikeit · 25/02/2023 21:05

Has he got his name on the council list?

There are plenty one bed flats available (granted maybe not in London) but throughout the country.

He can claim benefits and live his life how he wishes.

If that scenario doesn’t feel uncomfortable to him then so be it

However if you continue as you are you are both enabling his current lifestyle to carry on

Eatentoomanyroses · 25/02/2023 21:12

He sounds like my brother who lives with my mother. Her life is miserable but she’ll never kick him out. Parents just don’t in the main. Frankly in your shoes, I’d be leaving and setting up on your own. You shouldn’t have to but I wouldn’t live like that.

Witchytwitchybitchy · 25/02/2023 21:39

No.No.No.No
This is not the way it is. Set boundaries that work for you. You and dad are doing him no favours- it is not kindness to support this lifestyle. First things first- job. Tough love needed.

GettingItOutThere · 25/02/2023 22:16

hes 30?
turn the wifi off. Absolutely rediculous - how much blaming his mental health is he actually doing?

He is doing himself no favours someone needs to make a stand.
hes 30... THIRTY!?!?!

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2023 22:22

I’d be telling DH it’s his son or me. Fuck supporting a grown adult who’s behaving like this. It’s sad he’s got mental health issues but he’s choosing to behave like a selfish arsehole. Loads of people have depression but most people don’t have someone else picking up the tab for a lifestyle like this. Sitting inside addicted to screens and junk food is the absolute last thing that’ll help.

Who’s paying for the food? Is he claiming benefits? Where’s his dad on all of it?

Stomacharmeleon · 25/02/2023 23:00

Unplug the router and take it to work with you.

Nimbostratus100 · 25/02/2023 23:11

any cannabis involved? There often is in this sort of scenario

CharlotteStreetW1 · 25/02/2023 23:35

I live in fear that something happens to my husband (his health is not great) and I will have to keep working to keep my stepson fed and watered.

  1. Make sure DH has adequate life insurance.
  1. Make sure his will is watertight.

It may sound harsh but at least it would be one less thing for you to worry about.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 26/02/2023 00:04

You have to give him notice to leave. He can then go to the local council and say he's being made homeless. There's no way on earth I'd be getting up at 4am to support this lazy git.

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 07:47

Who owns the house? Can you afford to move out? And live together apart until his son leaves?

Iamblossom · 26/02/2023 07:50

This sounds like my worst nightmare.

Do. Not. Put. Up. With. This.

This is ruining your quality of life.

You only have one life.

You are going to have to start sticking up yourself.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 26/02/2023 08:02

Your dh needs to form a plan for what happens if he dies. Are there other siblings? Who owns the house? Can you work together on rebuilding relationships with his mother? I would try to look into supported living options which will help him develop basic living skills.

Jonesthebones · 26/02/2023 08:24

Omg, you have to say no to this. Whether it's genuine mental health issues or just lazy entitled loser syndrome, living like that won't be helping him.
Can you go to family therapy together to discuss some rules and set up some plans for the future to work towards?
He needs to be aiming to be self-sufficient and working. Eating better, doing some exercise, getting outdoors and getting off the internet. Being useful in the house and not causing you any hassle. And moving out.
The idea that your husband can't retire because of him, and that you might have to house him forever is enough of a motivation to make some changes, surely!

strawberry2017 · 26/02/2023 08:38

You don't have to support him in a lot of ways.
Turn the wifi off.
Don't buy the foods he wants.
Don't make it easy for him to stay and do nothing/
Tell him straight.
Mental health is used far to easily nowadays to get away with this behaviour.
Everyone probably has an element of mental health issues but you don't get to use it as an excuse to treat people like this and expect your every need pandering to.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 26/02/2023 09:08

strawberry2017 · 26/02/2023 08:38

You don't have to support him in a lot of ways.
Turn the wifi off.
Don't buy the foods he wants.
Don't make it easy for him to stay and do nothing/
Tell him straight.
Mental health is used far to easily nowadays to get away with this behaviour.
Everyone probably has an element of mental health issues but you don't get to use it as an excuse to treat people like this and expect your every need pandering to.

Exactly this.

Cutting off the wifi would be interesting. Do it!

But your husband is enabling his. What is his plan?

MeridianB · 26/02/2023 09:09

Iwonder08 · 25/02/2023 20:59

You don't have to.. You know. Tell his dad that it is causing you mental health issues, being around this lazy, entitled man. Even if he has mental health issues and it is not all made up it doesn't give him a license to just sponge from you. His dad needs to be given a timeline to remove him from the property.

This! Change the Wi-Fi password.

He needs to start prioritising his health, his rehoming and work.

Wombats67 · 26/02/2023 09:43

And yes, we have a similar situation in our family. I stopped wasting my breath trying to get the emeshed woman to chuck the sponging offspring out and it's pointless. He's now nearly 40, so it does never end.

Get your ducks firmly in a row & don't ever think you have to support his feckless lifestyle.

jelly79 · 26/02/2023 10:11

Absolutely not.

Worst case scenario I'd be giving him 1 months notice to leave.

Best case scenario I'd be giving him some ultimatums to continue living in your home

  • he has to get a job
  • he has to contribute 30% of the costs of running the home
  • he has to show respect
  • he has to help run the home

If he fails then he goes.

I believe no one owes you a living and whilst you can support him you are enabling this to your own detriment

MamOfFive · 26/02/2023 10:27

I'd be cutting the wifi off at 10pm every night - if he moans say well you need to sleep, if you have mental health sleep is key. If he turns it back on, change the password.

Secondly, I'd make it a condition that he finds himself a job if not he'll have to move out give him a suitable deadline.

Thirdly, I'd be explaining that his actions have consequences and he's making his dad unable to retire due to his selfish actions.

If he was truly depressed he would be withdrawing from everything - not gaming till his hearts content at 4am!

hourbyhour101 · 26/02/2023 10:49

Usually another poster spaceships give good advice on topics like this.

Have you had a look at failure to launch ? It seems what's happening here.

Op I have sympathy with anyone in mh issues. But having that doesn't mean you also become a sponge. At 30 he should be at least contributing to the household.

This situation has been created because dad has allowed it. He's gonna need to step up and stop this or can you imagine DSC living forever in the house gaming even when your old and fragile.

Original poster
scarletwoman23 · 26/02/2023 11:24

Thanks all for your replies so far.

A few additions. Yes, he is currently on benefits and contributes £100 a month. Which is not really enough.

He has self-harmed recently and I guess no one does that for fun so there must be some kind of mental health issues involved, even if it's only part of it.

His father feels guilty and, like a lot of divorced parents, blames himself for the state his son is in. Said son has also threatened suicide so dad is even more likely to keep him in.

Family therapy might be an option but given how long it takes to get on a waiting list, I'm not holding my breath.

Wish we knew exactly what he tells the GP and the dole office. Most of his appointments are over the phone, when not cancelled. The GP seems to be happy to sign him off so he can get his benefits. The anti-depressants have been upped (at his request) but I see no sign of improvement.

He does his own laundry and cleans his bedroom once in a while but anything else, we have to ask him, he does not see what needs doing.

If, at least, he went out and mingled with other people in real life, did some sport, visited art spaces, had some real life interest, it would be something.

Will have a look at Failure to Launch.

His dad is supposed to go to hospital soon and spend some time recovering after an operation. Hopefully we'll have time to talk about the situation and, if anything, will try to persuade him to put his name on the council list. If he can impress on them the fact he has mental health issues, he might be a priority case.

OP posts:
monomatapea · 26/02/2023 11:28

I'm not sure the council will help while he still has a home with you. They are really strict.

It's such a shame as you both obviously care about him but it's just how to help him live independently

MamOfFive · 26/02/2023 11:31

Sadly he won't be a priority case with the council as he has a roof over his head especially as a single male.

He'd need to be homeless and go into a council hostel or temp housing to be a priority case.