Grown up stepson moved back in, maybe forever

[scarletwoman23]

My now 30 year old stepson moved back in with us 18 months ago when the Covid restrictions started easing. At first he was looking for a job, then eventually found a job and things were ok, if not perfect. Then, a few months ago he gave his notice, saying he was suffering from panic attacks when going to work and was unable to hold a job, ANY job. He's been on anti-depressants since and in touch with various NHS mental health units.

The problem is, I see a pattern. He was like this when he lived with his mum then she got fed up and he moved in with us a first time when he was a teenager. He got better with us then and found a job and met a girlfriend then mental health issues kicked in and he moved in with his girlfriend. They were both on the dole and happy.

He spends his days in his bedroom chatting to his friends online and hardly ever goes out. On top of the mental health issues, he also has, or will have, physical issues, as he is vastly overweight and spends his days eating snacks and drinking soft drinks by the gallon.

His father, my husband, was thinking of retiring next year but now thinks he will not be able to as he will have to support his son.

I live in fear that something happens to my husband (his health is not great) and I will have to keep working to keep my stepson fed and watered.

He has a mother, who he refuses to be in touch with (even though she tries to contact him on a regular basis) and relatives on his mother's side.

He does not seem to be interested in any romantic entanglement, he's happy to just chat with his mates and play online with them.

He may well have mental health issues but when I get up at 4am to go to work, I can't help feeling resentful when I hear him still typing away and laughing, knowing that he will not surface before lunchtime while his father and I work shifts.

A couple of years ago, even on the dole, he used to go out and meet friends and had a social life. Now his whole social life is spent online. "Exercise" is walking to the corner shop to buy biscuits.

Sometimes I believe him as he has self-harmed a few times and says he had suicidal ideas. Sometimes I feel like he's taking us for a ride as he's always laughing with his online friends, even disrupting my sleep as he's in the next room shouting at the top of his voice.

We can't give him a deadline as he is supposed to be starting a therapy.

He has signed up for voluntary work one morning a week (to get out of the house and see real people) but even this is too much as he keeps missing his shifts and lying to us about it.

I am aware it happens a lot nowadays but usually the kid lives with mom and dad. In our case, it was imposed on me and. as much as I'm happy to try to help him and motivate him, I feel like nothing works and the situation is getting worse and worse.

The only thing we can do now is wait for him to start his therapy and see if anything changes.

How long have you been with your husband? How is your relationship with your husband?

He absolutely should not be a priority case for council housing given he has a home with you and with his mum, as well as being an adult who can function perfectly well to game online, so equally should be looking for a job & paying his own way.

Give him / his dad a timeline to get out of your home. Up to you to enforce this as otherwise it sounds like you'll be stuck with him.

Someone on Reddit had a line:

”Dear Husband. We have a binary card situation here. This card is for a marriage counsellor and this card is for a divorce lawyer. Please choose one or I will “.

I thought it a great, succinct line.

You can totally kick him out. Give him notice I writing. The therapy could be years on a waiting list and it may not cure him enough that he becomes able to work anyway. Don't put your lives on hold for this. It's not a bad time, he can learn to deal with the stresses of it with his therapist's support.

He can either rent privately or go through the council's homelessness system. They may steer him towards private rental anyway, but they'll help with finding somewhere and organising a deposit etc. Furniture including white goods can be obtained cheaply or free from Facebook, charity shops and community grants (if eligible). If he's involved with the MH team he can contact his care coordinator/social worker who can help him with all of this.

All you have to do is write a letter stating he's homeless from X date and must leave your home. This will make him eligible for support. He's not a tenant so you don't need to give him notice or get a court order to evict him, you can just change the locks. You don't have to actually kick him out on the deadline if he's in the process of sorting things, but you may need to if he refuses to engage with the help offered and tells everyone he's staying with you regardless. If he fails to engage with the council's homelessness system he will be deemed to have made himself homeless voluntarily and they'll have no further duty of care towards him. Even if this happens and he's left to get on with it himself, he'll still have the support from his MH team.

He can claim universal credit and should be doing this currently. You don't have to keep him fed, clothed, housed or pay his bills. You and DH can support him to live his own independent life. This includes moving out of your home as a first step.

He absolutely should not be a priority case for council housing given he has a home with you and with his mum, as well as being an adult who can function perfectly well to game online, so equally should be looking for a job & paying his own way.

Being able to game doesn't mean someone is able to work. You have no understanding of MH. He could well be a piss taker, but your comment that gaming = ability to work is ridiculous. Council help doesn't mean he won't be expected to pay for it once he has a job. Council help also doesn't mean he'll get a council property. He doesn't have a home with his mum, she kicked him out. He only has a home with OP and his dad whilst they choose to allow it. If they choose not to, he is homeless. Homelessness is priority status for help.

I don’t understand some of the replies on here what good is it to say tell him to get a job when OP says he’s not even turning up for volunteer work. He wouldn’t last a minute in a job! And it’s not like he can be forced to interview!

OP I like this from the nhs it might be good reference for stepson and you can encourage him on a proper walk a day and to try to meet others face to face saying it is important for his mental health; www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/five-steps-to-mental-wellbeing/

Other than that I’d suggest you have a think about what you want here. If it’s assurances from your husband you won’t need to support his son ongoing then make sure things are in place to cover that scenario so you won’t have to. I’d also use the internet access as a bargaining chip and turn it off overnight as it’s unhealthy to be awake all night online. But keep an eye on his reaction to this it may cause his mental health to get worse.

Other than that not sure what more you can do… if he’s not getting treatment yet for mh things unlikely to change. Maybe once he is you could outline your expectations are he gets a job and moves out when he’s feeling better and keep a bit of pressure on.

This. Remove the router during the day. Stop giving him any money at all.

Make it clear he needs to get a job.

The day he steals from you, make it clear he has to leave, or you will. Stick to it.

Just echoing this post... My cousin is 50+ and my aunt is stuck with him in her house. Firm boundaries/deadlines are required. I'd be inclined to state (not suggest) a date for getting a job/contributing to the household and/or moving out.

Perhaps you could suggest personal independence as one of the goals of his therapy sessions and set a target of getting a job or moving out (etc.) for when he's completed an agreed number of weeks/months of therapy (be mindful to quantify the target and make sure it's a clear deadline).

Just a thought on the financial front, would he qualify for anything like PIP and could you claim something like carers allowance? If yes, claim it (it'll ease the financial burden) and if he doesn't meet the criteria, you have a concrete reason to ask him to find a job and support himself/contribute to the household.

To address your second post OP.

will try to persuade him to put his name on the council list.

Recognise he has almost zero chance of a council flat, area depending. Only his local council has any duty to house him. If is mum's address is covered by a different local authority he could claim a local connection there too and may be allowed to join their list. As he's no-contact with his mum, even that's unlikely though. Single men are low priority. Single mothers and homeless families trump them every time.

If he can impress on them the fact he has mental health issues, he might be a priority case.

His MH state will give him additional priority within whichever category he comes under. Unless he's homeless category, he won't be housed any time soon (years). It doesn't matter what he impresses on them, he needs evidence, medical backup to his claims. Even if homeless some places it's decades in temporary accommodation (hostel) before you're housed. Duty of care doesn't equal rights to a council flat. Help to find private rental is often as far as it goes.

His father feels guilty

MH issues aren't necessarily someone's fault, they can just happen.

Wish we knew exactly what he tells the GP and the dole office.

You have no rights to his personal information but equally he has no rights to live with you or be supported financially and emotionally by you. So you can make disclosure a condition of him continuing to live with you.

he is currently on benefits and contributes £100 a month. Which is not really enough.

So increase what he pays to cover expenses or lower standards to match what he pays. Eg. A lesser internet package with insufficient allowance to support gaming, basic cheap food, second hand clothes only when he needs them etc. If you charged him his entire benefits (I appreciate he may not be receiving much more than £100/wk anyway) to live with you in order to cover expenses and he doesn't like it, then he can move out. You don't have to subsidize him, even if you choose to provide a roof over his head.

GP seems to be happy to sign him off so he can get his benefits. The anti-depressants have been upped (at his request) but I see no sign of improvement.

It's not the GP's decision for benefits, it's the DWP's decision. Beyond the first few months sick notes, it's up to what medical evidence DSS provides to support his benefits claim.

AD's aren't increased at the patients request. The GP would have to believe it's the right course of action after assessment. They're not magic pills that cure people, sometimes the best they can do is enable a person to cope with a limited lifestyle and stay alive.

If he has input from secondary MH services, which it sounds like he does - the MH team and therapy referral, it means he has more serious problems than the GP can cope with and isn't going to be cured with a short course of AD's, if he's ever cured at all. Therapy may not be aiming to cure him, it may eg be focused on reducing his incidents of self-harm.

You seem to be putting your life on hold whilst waiting for something to happen that magically turns him into an average person with an average life. You need to accept that may never happen. DSS needs to learn to live with who he is and the life he's got. Improvements may or may not come.

Mental health issues mean he will get extra points for housing applications.

What’s he spending his money on. He needs to buy his own food.

As for keeping you awake tell him if he doesn’t stop he needs to look for other accommodation, as it’s affecting your mental health.

I've not read the full thread yet OP, but, I speak with some experience here. I have a panic disorder and severe depression - when not medicated. I take propranolol (or however it's spelled) as and when for the anxiety and citalopram daily for the depression. Don't get me wrong, over the years I've had the odd week or two off work when life's gotten too much, but, 90% of the time I work 10 hours shifts five times a week in a physically and mentally demanding job, raise a child and run a house.

Depression and anxiety are not the reason your stepson refuses to do anything, laziness is. What are the consequences of him not going to work? Sod all because daddy will house and feed him.

Fuck this for a laugh OP, he's a thirty year old man, put him out on his arse and force him to function or forever be his slaves

In this situation, I don't think it should be at all. This is why this country seems fucked to me. Perfectly able men not willing to work through sheer laziness and expecting others to pick up the responsibility for looking after them (whether it's family or government) all whilst claiming MH issues (which then negates the real life lives experience of those with actual mental health issues who do their best to help themselves.). Absolute waste of space.

I live in fear that something happens to my husband (his health is not great) and I will have to keep working to keep my stepson fed and watered

Like hell you would! It’s not your job to provide for this grown man just because his parents failed in their job to raise a capable, competent adult. Paying £100 a month is an absolute joke, why is no one expecting him to behave like an adult? Does he do anything around the house to compensate for this? Does he cook for you, or are you cooking for him?

Reading what everybody said, I take everything on board even though I think some people might have projected a bit.

We do NOT give him money, it's the other way round, he contributes financially but it's not an awful lot given the cost of living etc.
He has NEVER stolen from us and cannabis (or alcohol) is NOT involved.
Any new clothes would only have been received as xmas or birthday gifts, from different family members, not just us.

I think the suggestion of leaving my husband of 20 years for daring to act in what he believes are his child's best interests (even if the belief is possibly misguided) is a tad OTT.
After all, he already had children when I met him, but there is a difference between caring for children while they're young, on a "part time" basis (weekends and holidays) and having an adult child moving into your home.

DH and I both do shift work so it's not a typical 9 to 5 set up, with regular meal times and sleeping patterns for us. Therefore the internet is on all the time as we are all up at different times of day or night.
I would have to drag myself out of bed at 4am even if I lived alone or just with DH. It is just a kick in the teeth when DSC is still up having fun while I get ready for work at an ungodly hour.

Communication and negotiation are key. We did talk about him going out regularly to help with MH and he agreed to try.

One poster mentioned that the dosage of anti-depressants would not be increased at patient's request so it is likely that the GP sees or has been told something we are not aware of. Self harm IS a fact. Suicidal ideas have also been mentioned.

Therapy is meant to start soon and we can only hope it helps and we can review the situation after a while.

And wills have to reflect the situation in case anything happens to DH so need to look into this ASAP as well.

Also, many thanks to those of you who posted MH links.

how long have you been with DH, whose house is/was it, did DS ever live there as a child with both parents?

For DH to cancel retirement to support a 30 yr old is just ridiculous! Tell SS he neds to make a plan as you will soon be downsizing and retiring .

You sound so lovely op.

I would set small achievable goals which will help you guys and get dss motivated.

For example he needs to Hoover the house weekly and help make a meal (leading up to cooking an entire meal) weekly and a couple of other responsibilities.
This in itself will get him moving and beginning to 'think and do' a bit more whilst in the safety of the home environment.

Regardless of his MH the above suggestions are achievable so this would give insight into this being laziness or not.

I would really struggle with this so well done for managing so well.

Firstly give it a time limit. A year or what ever. Discuss the time limit with DH and SS. Explain that there will need to be a plan to get DS back on his feet so that he feels stronger.

Secondly your DH can help him .. DH can help your SS to walk yours or a neighbours dog daily, help him create a timetable to pull his weight with cleaning, bills, cooking, lawn mowing encourage him to invite friends over to the house, help find clubs he can attend (dungeons and dragons?) and more interesting volunteering (computer repair shop or gaming hub?). Build upon any existing hobbies.

In this situation, I don't think it should be at all. This is why this country seems fucked to me. Perfectly able men not willing to work through sheer laziness and expecting others to pick up the responsibility for looking after them (whether it's family or government) all whilst claiming MH issues (which then negates the real life lives experience of those with actual mental health issues who do their best to help themselves.). Absolute waste of space.

Hard agree.

Time for a boot in the bum, seriously.