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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Struggling with being a step parent

109 replies

MR1 · 23/02/2023 09:18

I am new to this but feel like I need somewhere to vent and hopefully not be judged. I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years and we are due to get married this year. I have no children but my partner has 2 children with 2 different women. A 11 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. We have his daughter 2 day/evenings a week and every other weekend. We have his son every other weekend (the same weekend as his daughter). His son is very polite and tidy and easy going, his daughter can be rude, always wants attention and never tidies up after herself. She gets away with so much, I try to tell my partner she should be doing things like taking her plate out once finished or putting her dirty tissues in the bin but he just says ah it's fine but yet his 4 year old does it with no problems and we don't even have to ask him to do it. His daughter's attitude isn't great and rather than being pulled up about it or given some form of discipline I.e. take her phone off her he gives her 3 warnings all the time so she just continues to be rude throughout the day. I try to say my bit but just get shut down.

I have been really struggling recently because both Mum's are constantly wanting us to have the children extra because they are out or away. His daughter has to stay with us if her Mum is away or out because she doesn't like being left with her step dad and step brother because they ignore her, surely her Mum should be speaking to her husband about this? For the last 4 weekends we have either had both children or one or the other leaving us with no us time. I keep trying to hint to my partner that it's not our weekend but he looks at it that he is happy to have extra time with his kids (which I understand) but it's like he doesn't want to spend time with me. We still have a lot to do for our wedding and when I mention that he needs to be more strict with both Mum's and say sorry we're busy, he just says we can still do wedding bits with the kids. We went suit shopping the other day and both children played up in the shop. I have integrated both children in some of the plans (mainly his daughter due to age) but some things are nicer to do if it's just us?

When it comes to school holidays both Mum's tell him what they want him to cover rather than discuss first before they book anything. This means on Easter or summer holidays we may have one child one week and the other child the other week. I have now been told by my partner that I need to save my holiday to help out when he has to work. I have less leave than him a year and I told him that before the wedding I want to book some leave to have some me time i.e get my nails done and finalise things, he got really annoyed and said I only need the day before off because he needs help covering the summer holidays. Surely he should be more firm with the Mum's and say no I need both children on the same week. They organise things on their situation with their partners and their other children and just expect us to drop everything. They also have family to help with some of the holidays so they don't have to take leave, we don't have that option.

Every time I bring this up to my partner he just says I knew his situation when I got with him and he wants an easy life with the Mum's and if he gets his kids extra it's a bonus.

I probably sound really harsh but we literally never do anything just us at the moment. We even have to cut our honeymoon short because he can't take too much leave so he can cover the school holidays. Yet one Mum went away last year and is going away again this year with her partner and the kids and the other Mum had 3 holidays last year, 2 with her husband and one with her daughter.

Unfortunately my partner's Dad is at end of life and obviously my partner wants to visit him everyday. I also want to visit to spend as much time with him before he goes but when we have his kids the weekend through to the weekdays I am expected to look after them and miss out when he could ask the Mum's to help out for an hour or two.

I also struggle with 2 medical conditions, Type 1 diabetes and M.E and I can't predict how I will be each day health wise. Some days I have to rest as best I can and I'm made to feel guilty if I can't go to the park with them all or go for a walk. My partner previously even said that his daughter kept bringing up why I never go out with them? Surely that's down to him to explain that my health changes everyday.

I just feel like I'm always put to one side. It's always the kids and Mum's feelings put first. Sorry probably the world's longest rant!!

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 23/02/2023 09:21

Why do you want to marry him?

surely living separately will be better for your relationship. You can then leave him to his parenting instead of being the default parent because he himself doesn’t fancy it but doesn’t want to say no to the mothers.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 23/02/2023 09:34

Don’t marry him, your lifestyles and expectations are not compatible.

Vegansausagevole · 23/02/2023 09:38

I totally get that he wants to be with his kids as much as possible and maintain a good relationship with his exes, good for him. Two kids from two different partners was always going to be tricky to manage, I’m guessing by the age of his youngest you have always been there for his contact, if he’s expecting so much from you now? This is only going to get worse though isn’t it, once you are the “official” step mum you are going to be even more put upon. Swopping days, covering SOME holiday time are all reasonable adjustments to make this complicated arrangement work, but you giving up every bit of your own life to facilitate his is a recipe for disaster. What’s going to happen if you want a child yourself.
If your DP won’t listen to your reasonable concerns I would cut my losses now and call off the wedding.

YukoandHiro · 23/02/2023 09:42

You will always come second to his children. That's natural - he's a father.

My view honestly is this really won't change and nor should it. His role as a dad comes first. It always will do. If it's unacceptable to you, then I would rethink your relationship.

Nimbostratus100 · 23/02/2023 09:43

personally, I would call off the wedding, this isnt going to work - that poor girl needs more time with her dad, not less, you are never going to be anything other than free babysitting, and this is not a situation to be tying yourself down in

Or in a few years his next partner will be on here, complaining about his 3 children and 3 unreasonable baby-mothers

Beamur · 23/02/2023 09:47

Red flags all over.
He's lining you up to be housekeeper and unpaid nanny.
Telling you to save your leave so you can look after the kids? That would be a no from me. I am a SM and only ever looked after the kids by myself very occasionally. They have parents whose primary responsibility that it.
His attitude really sucks in terms of what he expects from you, he does prioritise his kids though, but don't expect this to change.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 23/02/2023 09:48

It all reads like awfully hard work and no joy for any of you. The mums tell him what they want and he complies without asking you is one point. It would be nice of him to run these things by you.
To deny you having time before the wedding to do what you want to do is surely not his choice !
Too many red flags for me I am afraid OP. Too complicated and a man who will not even consult you but will bend over backwards to accommodate others is mot someone I would want to be with let alone marry

Ragwort · 23/02/2023 09:51

Don't marry him. He clearly wants a housekeeper/nanny for his DC. He needs to focus on his DC (quite rightly). You don't need this stress in your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2023 09:52

Marrying him would be a massive, massive mistake. You can see that surely? You don't want a man with kids, just admit it and move on with your life.

CuteCillian · 23/02/2023 09:53

You will always come second to his children. That's natural - he's a father.

My view honestly is this really won't change and nor should it. His role as a dad comes first. It always will do. If it's unacceptable to you, then I would rethink your relationship.

This,this and this again.

Laurdo · 23/02/2023 09:54

He has a cheek to ask you to take holidays and provide childcare when it suits him yet any other time you try to parent you're shut down. It's not your responsibility to provide childcare and I certainly wouldn't be when I'm never listened to.

Regarding the 11yos behaviour. If he doesn't want to make her do simple tasks like pick up tissues and take a plate through make sure he's the one to do it. Do not pick up after his child. Maybe if you're repeatedly asking him to pick up her stuff he'll get your point. Either way someone is picking it up and it's not you.

As much as his children should be a priority, so should you. I hate that phrase "you knew what you were getting into", no one ever says that to parents, only step parents. And really, SPs don't know exactly what they're getting into. If the arrangement was every other weekend when you met him then you got into the relationship expecting to have every other weekend just the 2 of you. The goalposts have moved since then. He knew he was getting into a relationship with a woman and that she would need some of his time. If he didn't think he had the time for a relationship he shouldn't have gotten into one. Why does he care more about keeping his exs happy than keeping his current partner happy? He needs to grow a backbone and not just jump every time the ex asks.

People will jump on you and say the mums have them the majority of the time so you shouldn't complain about extra days but it's not fair that you're basically having things dictated to you and have to work around the mums plans yet they're free to make whatever plans they want and just inform your DP that he's having the kids. There has to be a bit of give and take and things should be discussed and agreed upon first.

What about going 50/50 week on week off so that everyone has every other weekend free? Would that work?

Sandra1984 · 23/02/2023 09:58

Keepingthingsinteresting · 23/02/2023 09:34

Don’t marry him, your lifestyles and expectations are not compatible.

This. You’re NOT marrying a single man, you haven’t wrapped your head around the fact you’re marrying a family. Embrace those kids and treat them with love otherwise it’s not going to work. Poor kids, they deserve so much better.

Emmamoo89 · 23/02/2023 10:00

Don't marry him

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 10:01

I have now been told by my partner that I need to save my holiday to help out when he has to work.

Wow, he is being wildly unreasonable here, he has absolutely no right to expect you to do this at all, or be annoyed with you for not doing it.

I wouldn't marry him. I recognise that sounds flippant but he expects you to act like his kid's other parent and do his job for him, and that isn't how it should be. Any help you give should not be an expectation and should be gratefully received.

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 10:02

This. You’re NOT marrying a single man, you haven’t wrapped your head around the fact you’re marrying a family. Embrace those kids and treat them with love otherwise it’s not going to work. Poor kids, they deserve so much better.

Oh god, the entitled parents are amongst us 🙄

FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · 23/02/2023 10:06

Sorry but I wouldn't stay this is a disaster

FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · 23/02/2023 10:08

You are the hired help

Player001 · 23/02/2023 10:09

Keepingthingsinteresting · 23/02/2023 09:34

Don’t marry him, your lifestyles and expectations are not compatible.

Yup. Sorry OP, this is not going to work.

Laurdo · 23/02/2023 10:10

YukoandHiro · 23/02/2023 09:42

You will always come second to his children. That's natural - he's a father.

My view honestly is this really won't change and nor should it. His role as a dad comes first. It always will do. If it's unacceptable to you, then I would rethink your relationship.

We have my DHs kids 50% and they are absolutely his world and a priority, but I've never been made to feel like I'm 2nd best to them or that I'm not a priority too.

If his ex ever asks for us to have them extra days or to swap days he will always consult me first. I do the school run as I work from home so that's what works best and allows DH to work full time. This was something that was discussed beforehand, there was no expectation and I was happy to do it.
My DH trusts me 100% with the kids including disciplining them when I feel it's needed and asking them to do certain tasks. He often asks my opinion on parenting and I'm treated as an equal parent in the house.

I feel like my opinion and contribution to the family counts as much as his does. He appreciates everything I do and it never feels like I'm just babysitter. A good dad and partner will make sure everyone gets what they need from him and no one feels ignored.

kirinm · 23/02/2023 10:11

They kids are his responsibility and frankly he sounds like a shit dad. Most parents don't get 'us' time either. If he's going to have kids with two different women, he can't necessarily expect to be able to coordinate their visits to suit himself.

femfemlicious · 23/02/2023 10:11

Cancel the wedding.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 23/02/2023 10:12

@FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · Today 10:08
You are the hired help

Unpaid, not consulted or valued hired help!

kirinm · 23/02/2023 10:12

Oh also, 11 year olds are exactly as his daughter sounds in my experience.

LikeGolddust · 23/02/2023 10:14

Do not marry him. You will be terribly unhappy if you do.

femfemlicious · 23/02/2023 10:16

FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · 23/02/2023 10:08

You are the hired help

Unpaid

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