Struggling with being a step parent

[MR1]

I am new to this but feel like I need somewhere to vent and hopefully not be judged. I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years and we are due to get married this year. I have no children but my partner has 2 children with 2 different women. A 11 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. We have his daughter 2 day/evenings a week and every other weekend. We have his son every other weekend (the same weekend as his daughter). His son is very polite and tidy and easy going, his daughter can be rude, always wants attention and never tidies up after herself. She gets away with so much, I try to tell my partner she should be doing things like taking her plate out once finished or putting her dirty tissues in the bin but he just says ah it's fine but yet his 4 year old does it with no problems and we don't even have to ask him to do it. His daughter's attitude isn't great and rather than being pulled up about it or given some form of discipline I.e. take her phone off her he gives her 3 warnings all the time so she just continues to be rude throughout the day. I try to say my bit but just get shut down.

I have been really struggling recently because both Mum's are constantly wanting us to have the children extra because they are out or away. His daughter has to stay with us if her Mum is away or out because she doesn't like being left with her step dad and step brother because they ignore her, surely her Mum should be speaking to her husband about this? For the last 4 weekends we have either had both children or one or the other leaving us with no us time. I keep trying to hint to my partner that it's not our weekend but he looks at it that he is happy to have extra time with his kids (which I understand) but it's like he doesn't want to spend time with me. We still have a lot to do for our wedding and when I mention that he needs to be more strict with both Mum's and say sorry we're busy, he just says we can still do wedding bits with the kids. We went suit shopping the other day and both children played up in the shop. I have integrated both children in some of the plans (mainly his daughter due to age) but some things are nicer to do if it's just us?

When it comes to school holidays both Mum's tell him what they want him to cover rather than discuss first before they book anything. This means on Easter or summer holidays we may have one child one week and the other child the other week. I have now been told by my partner that I need to save my holiday to help out when he has to work. I have less leave than him a year and I told him that before the wedding I want to book some leave to have some me time i.e get my nails done and finalise things, he got really annoyed and said I only need the day before off because he needs help covering the summer holidays. Surely he should be more firm with the Mum's and say no I need both children on the same week. They organise things on their situation with their partners and their other children and just expect us to drop everything. They also have family to help with some of the holidays so they don't have to take leave, we don't have that option.

Every time I bring this up to my partner he just says I knew his situation when I got with him and he wants an easy life with the Mum's and if he gets his kids extra it's a bonus.

I probably sound really harsh but we literally never do anything just us at the moment. We even have to cut our honeymoon short because he can't take too much leave so he can cover the school holidays. Yet one Mum went away last year and is going away again this year with her partner and the kids and the other Mum had 3 holidays last year, 2 with her husband and one with her daughter.

Unfortunately my partner's Dad is at end of life and obviously my partner wants to visit him everyday. I also want to visit to spend as much time with him before he goes but when we have his kids the weekend through to the weekdays I am expected to look after them and miss out when he could ask the Mum's to help out for an hour or two.

I also struggle with 2 medical conditions, Type 1 diabetes and M.E and I can't predict how I will be each day health wise. Some days I have to rest as best I can and I'm made to feel guilty if I can't go to the park with them all or go for a walk. My partner previously even said that his daughter kept bringing up why I never go out with them? Surely that's down to him to explain that my health changes everyday.

I just feel like I'm always put to one side. It's always the kids and Mum's feelings put first. Sorry probably the world's longest rant!!

Yes they would like to be like that but you have to make them tidy up after themselves not just allow them treat the house as a dustbin.(mum battling a messy 11yr old)

As an experienced step parent, some things I agree with you on but others not.

It sounds bad but, until you have you're own children, it is difficult to appreciate the desire/need for a parent to see their child. He is completely right to want extra time with them. He will and should put their needs first. When you have children, you (should) surrender yourself to their needs (not always wants), and having contact with your child definitely in that category.

If you are not able to ride it out until they are 18, this probably isn't the relationship for you. Throw children you have together in, and it'll get even more complicated.

The only thing I would say isn't right is, you taking leave for child care.

*your

I'm sad to say it sounds like you are being walked over and expected to be a live in nanny rather than a respected partner. Of course you want to spend time with your step kids and it sounds like you are happy to do you fair share - but that's the word that seems to be missing from this, fair.

I would reconsider the wedding and put everything on pause until he changes his attitude. I have a family calendar at home, and it sounds ridiculous, but putting things in for the year, mapping out our weekends and holidays has really helped plan.

The only feedback I would say though is that having kids is a full time job, and being with your partner you have become a parent. I'm not sure if you want your own kids but if you do, us time goes out the window quickly! We have to make sure we get childcare in place, so maybe it's also about him taking the time to book babysitters so you can have date nights too. But you need to sort all of this before you get married and certainly before you have kids!

Either way all of this is about the fact he isn't consulting with you or communicating properly and this really needs to be addressed before you marry him. I think there are some good points here about the fact that a SP cannot know what they are getting in to as it's not fair for him or anyone else to just expect you to know what to do, and to just lose your personal time (or use your AL!) without consent. For example, 11 year olds are pretty much teenagers so their behaviour is normal, 4 year olds want to help out but this will change over time! The 4 year old will soon be an 11 year old acting in the same way!

What you should do is edge out both children as why should you have to deal with them? He’s YOUR partner now, and you come first. His past is his past. His ex-children are now surplus. They should accept this and move on, leaving you free to have 100% of his attention.

I am a stepmum to 2 DSC with no bio-kids (choice) and I am telling you to fucking RUN.

I fully support my DH with his kids (we have them 50%) but all care of DSC falls to him. When I help out it’s because I choose to and I want to help. This means I have a brilliant relationship with my DSC (and a decent relationship with their mum) and I don’t resent them. DH has always allowed
me space from kids when I needed it (not often, but as a non-parent kids can be overwhelming) and I think that is why our relationship is so successful. He would never, ever assume I would look after them and he would never change our plans without checking in.

You are allowed to want time alone, and he should want that too.

I’m certain I could not have stayed in my relationship if DH had behaved as your DP is behaving. Please don’t marry him until this is resolved.

This all sounds very complicated OP . I’m a step mum though my DSD is now an adult and at Uni . Being a blended family is complicated and it’s harder as you have two different families to try and coordinate with . You are unrealistic to expect the two different mums to provide their children at the same time and on a hiding to nothing by keeping suggesting that your partner . He should not be expecting you to save holiday to be his child care though . The 11 year old sounds pretty typical but should be old enough to understand your limitations due to your health . In reality I don’t think much of what you describe will change and you should seriously consider whether this relationship can make you happy long term . I am sorry OP

As a step parent you do come second. My DP has kids & so do I, my kids come first for me, his for him. I organise all care for my kids (with their dad) and he does the same with his. Neither of us assume the other will step in. It annoys me sometimes that I’m second in line behind his kids, but I accept it because it is the same for me. It’s not about the mums BTW.

We’re not in a position to have kids together but even if we were, I don’t think we would because it would so radically change a dynamic which we have worked hard to get right for the kids (not suggesting it is perfect in any way but it works).

If you are thinking about having kids with this guy OP I would think very very hard & definitely don’t do anything until you’ve got some equilibrium with the family that you have now.

Teenagers are a nightmare not comparable to a 4 year old. I've had both. That been said I wouldn't touch a man who had 2 dc to 2 didn't women one being as young as 1 year old when you got with him..this man has red flags all over him. Don't be baby mama number 3. It's OK to say your not up to being a step mam I don't think many would handle the current step up you have. It's hard when there's only one ex nevermind when there's 2. I'd question his commitment in having dc and leaving though that would be a huge concern.

Talk about missing the bloody point!
The OP is not the problem here.

I’m also going to say that you should not marry this man. He is making it clear that he’s looking for you to be his nanny/housekeeper while he Disney dads in whatever way is easiest for him.

And this is in that supposed to be lovely period when you’re planning to get married. It WILL get worse once you’ve signed the contract and he believes it’s somehow your responsibility to do his childcare for him (but they will always not be your kids when it suits him to tell you to stay in your lane).

You deserve much better than this @MR1.

And... Why are you marrying him exactly?

If something happens to either of the mums he will have them full time, could you cope with that, having the kids 50/50 is a very real possibility. If you are not wanting ti take over parenting then pull out of the relationship now. My dsd lives with us full time, I didn't get a choice - her mum announced she was moving in with a partner and there was no space for dsd - this is the reality

These issues that you have described will always be present throughout the length of your relationship.

The only thing you can do is change your perception of your situation and if you cannot do this then I’m afraid you are in for one hell of a ride.

In some ways you sound like a doormat, he just does as he pleases and you seem to have accepted things but now you are quite rightly getting fed up.

I would urge you to postpone your wedding. I don’t think this relationship will make you happy and these children are going nowhere.

Id move on if in your shoes!

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be a step parent let alone a step parent to two children with two different resident homes. I can imagine it's better in some ways for the children to have separate contact time and easier to manage them individually, but that's not better for your relationship either. How well do the kids even know each other?

@MR1
What ever you decide to do no one can decide for you but posting on here you are clearly looking for advice. Whether you take it or not is again up to you.

You absolutely should NOT marry this guy. Rightly his kids come first, as it should always be but he doesn't have a backbone to either run things past you or to say no on the odd occasion.

Again, what you decide to do only you can choose but overwhelming advice if DO NOT MARRY HIM!

Expecting you to take annual leave to have his kids is unreasonable. Don't do it. Once you start you will be expected to carry on like that. I also think cutting the honeymoon short wasn't reasonable of him.

But everything else sounds about right. Of course he wants extra time with his, their mum's deserve a break as he doesn't have the much, he should be doing half the school holidays, they are just as much his responsibility as their mum's responsibility.

Practical advice: sit down and explain that you want him to run stuff past you first so there are no crossed wires, explain that you won't be dictated to regarding your annual leave. Get a calendar or spreadsheet to plan out when the kids are around so you can clearly see what time is child free and what isn't. Ask him to set a deadline with the mum's, eg three months notice for holidays etc so everyone gets a chance to plan their lives out. Everyone can have a last minute request as long as everyone understands the answer might be no.

Also consider if this really is for you. He seems confused as to what you role is. You are not unpaid help, you are not there mum, you are not his co parent.

Can always spot the non step-parents a mile off!

Why do people who clearly aren't step-parents come on this board and tout absolute rubbish? Comments like this are stupid and utterly unhelpful and my guess is that they're coming from bitter ex wives or why would they be closely following this thread? My partner hasn't stopped treating me any differently making me feel second best since we had a child, so why should step parents put up with it?

Anyways, back to OP...I am also a step parent and I would also personally say not to marry this man. He does not respect you or your time and clearly doesn't think much of you, harsh as that sounds. Being in a blended family is hard, but weak partner's make it soo much harder than it ought to be. 99% of problems on this board are coming from the partner, not the step kids...

Yes because men who prioritise their DC are “weak”.

They’re usually not prioritising their kids though.

They’re doing whatever is easiest for them and passing on the rest to the women around them.

Why is the bar so low for men? Why do people valorise and champion men who are basically putting themselves first at all times?

I have to agree with this.

The first thing to do is to refuse to have the DCs unless he is there. They are his kids and if he can't have them then their mothers will have to.

Put your foot down.

To be honest it's probably going to be heartache if you are childless and young i would runaway and not look back. No way you should have responsibility looking after his DC!! You are not a maid and nanny. I could cope being a SP because I have a child myself and I understand how parents feel about their children. It's likely he will want to spend lots of his free time with them until the teenage years and they start going out with their friends. It's whether you can cope not being number 1 in someone's life for quite a long time. Some women struggle with this.

Marrying him would be a massive mistake. Having a child with him would be an even bigger one. You would be doing childcare the whole of your maternity leave (including the summer which is tough enough when it's your own kids)

He clearly sees your role as a second mum. Doing the boring bits of childcare and not even being directly asked by the other mums. You are basically a nanny who will have sex with him. Wake up and realise that you deserve better. Of course he wants you around when the kids are there- you make his life easier. By any chance is this why his previous relationships didn't last ?

There are red flags all over this. You deserve a man who will prioritise you sometimes and not see you as a maid and nanny that he can shag too.