Struggling with being a step parent

[MR1]

I am new to this but feel like I need somewhere to vent and hopefully not be judged. I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years and we are due to get married this year. I have no children but my partner has 2 children with 2 different women. A 11 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. We have his daughter 2 day/evenings a week and every other weekend. We have his son every other weekend (the same weekend as his daughter). His son is very polite and tidy and easy going, his daughter can be rude, always wants attention and never tidies up after herself. She gets away with so much, I try to tell my partner she should be doing things like taking her plate out once finished or putting her dirty tissues in the bin but he just says ah it's fine but yet his 4 year old does it with no problems and we don't even have to ask him to do it. His daughter's attitude isn't great and rather than being pulled up about it or given some form of discipline I.e. take her phone off her he gives her 3 warnings all the time so she just continues to be rude throughout the day. I try to say my bit but just get shut down.

I have been really struggling recently because both Mum's are constantly wanting us to have the children extra because they are out or away. His daughter has to stay with us if her Mum is away or out because she doesn't like being left with her step dad and step brother because they ignore her, surely her Mum should be speaking to her husband about this? For the last 4 weekends we have either had both children or one or the other leaving us with no us time. I keep trying to hint to my partner that it's not our weekend but he looks at it that he is happy to have extra time with his kids (which I understand) but it's like he doesn't want to spend time with me. We still have a lot to do for our wedding and when I mention that he needs to be more strict with both Mum's and say sorry we're busy, he just says we can still do wedding bits with the kids. We went suit shopping the other day and both children played up in the shop. I have integrated both children in some of the plans (mainly his daughter due to age) but some things are nicer to do if it's just us?

When it comes to school holidays both Mum's tell him what they want him to cover rather than discuss first before they book anything. This means on Easter or summer holidays we may have one child one week and the other child the other week. I have now been told by my partner that I need to save my holiday to help out when he has to work. I have less leave than him a year and I told him that before the wedding I want to book some leave to have some me time i.e get my nails done and finalise things, he got really annoyed and said I only need the day before off because he needs help covering the summer holidays. Surely he should be more firm with the Mum's and say no I need both children on the same week. They organise things on their situation with their partners and their other children and just expect us to drop everything. They also have family to help with some of the holidays so they don't have to take leave, we don't have that option.

Every time I bring this up to my partner he just says I knew his situation when I got with him and he wants an easy life with the Mum's and if he gets his kids extra it's a bonus.

I probably sound really harsh but we literally never do anything just us at the moment. We even have to cut our honeymoon short because he can't take too much leave so he can cover the school holidays. Yet one Mum went away last year and is going away again this year with her partner and the kids and the other Mum had 3 holidays last year, 2 with her husband and one with her daughter.

Unfortunately my partner's Dad is at end of life and obviously my partner wants to visit him everyday. I also want to visit to spend as much time with him before he goes but when we have his kids the weekend through to the weekdays I am expected to look after them and miss out when he could ask the Mum's to help out for an hour or two.

I also struggle with 2 medical conditions, Type 1 diabetes and M.E and I can't predict how I will be each day health wise. Some days I have to rest as best I can and I'm made to feel guilty if I can't go to the park with them all or go for a walk. My partner previously even said that his daughter kept bringing up why I never go out with them? Surely that's down to him to explain that my health changes everyday.

I just feel like I'm always put to one side. It's always the kids and Mum's feelings put first. Sorry probably the world's longest rant!!

Run. Don’t walk.
id be very wary of the expectation from your partner re: unpaid labour to look after his children.

He has a vacancy for a skivvy and and nanny, he wants you to fill those jobs.

To you the kids are a part of your life and to him they are all his life. They will always take priority. His asking you to use leave/have kids for him sounds like you will be expected to take a larger role in parenting going forward. Have you discussed what the family will look like when you are married? It is unreasonable for him to expect you to take on a larger childcare role and not have any say in how the children are parented.

The likelihood is this will only get worse. It needs addressing now to make sure you are on the same page and where you are willing to compromise. I wouldn't make any further commitment until you are sure this is what you want.

OP, you have a DP problem! He disregards your feeling, treats you like an unpaid nanny, can apparently treat you as poorly as he wants to as 'you knew what you were getting in to'. The children are young, this will be your life for years and if the two of you have a baby, this situation will become even harder. Why are you marrying this selfish man?

He’s not unreasonable for prioritising his children but very much so for expecting you to arrange your life around them. Ask yourself if this is really what you want.

WARNING ⚠️🚨
WARNING ⚠️🚨

I was thinking you were being a little bit u (as in you did know he had dc before you got into a relationship with him and he's always going to put them first) until I got to this bit...

I have now been told by my partner that I need to save my holiday to help out when he has to work.

Erm no!!

As others have said, he (consciously or otherwise) is lining you up to be his free childcare so he can live his best life while believing what a great Dad he is and it sounds like the mums are thinking along the same lines.

Only you can decide if he is worth it to you but I would be having some serious second thoughts. Things won't get any better on their own. You are young and have plenty of time to find a man who will put you first.

Exactly this and you say you've been together 4 years and the dd is 4?
So basically he left his ex with a baby?? He sounds delightful
If you were "the other woman"
You've created a vacancy for a mistress
Run for the hills is my advice

He is making a fool of you @MR1. You've been lined up as nanny-housekeeper for this man's children - who you have no authority over as he overrides whatever you suggest. Also telling (not asking) you to sacrifice your precious annual leave so you, rather than him as their parent - can go about his business as suits him. How does this show his care for you?

Take a backward step, a deep breath, and really ask yourself if this is a future you really want. Is it? 🌹

You are being unrealistic to expect ‘us’ time when he’s got two children with different mothers. It won’t get better when you get married.

If you can’t even get your nails done before your wedding because you have commitments to his children, then that says it all.

Men like this are not prioritising their children. They’re not putting the children first.

they are putting themselves first.

A good test for whether a nonresident father is actually prioritising his children is whether he is doing the work, putting himself out for the children or if he’s passing the work and responsibility on to the women around him.

Putting his children first would be ensuring that he’s organising his annual leave, working pattern and leisure time so
that he is able to spend time with his children, to look after them, to cook and clean and see to their needs. The children want to see and be cared for by their father. That’s what contact is for.

And no. ‘But I need you to look after them so that I can see them after I finish doing x, y, and z without having to go to pick them up myself’ is not evidence that he’s prioritising his children. It’s passing the responsibility to you so he can put himself first.

While gaining martyr points and gaslighting you into believing that you are nasty and horrible for not doing it for him.

So often posters on MN reinforce that gaslighting. They insist he’s putting his children first. And you’re an evil cow for
not being cock-a-hoop at being allowed to be his unpaid nanny/housekeeper.

Yup. All of this.

And into the bargain playing the "look at me being a great dad, sure I'll take the kids any time you want, my pleasure" act to the exs when he's actually dumping the responsibility onto you.

You can understand as the non resident parent that he wants to spend as much time with his DC as possible but he's definitely lining you up to be an unpaid housekeeper / nanny.
I'd bet he wouldn't continue being so accommodating with the DC dm's if he had to have them on his own and it was impacting his job, annual leave or down time.
I've been a step parent twice, my stance was always that the DC already have two parents, they don't need a third, I'd have them if I wanted to but I made it very clear that I'm not a substitute caregiver when everyone else is busy.
I wouldn't marry him, you're not happy with the situation and trust me it won't get better

You're NOT a stepmother. You're the unpaid nanny. Is that why he took up with you just as his son was born?

Tell DP " I'm not going to spend my life the way things are now. I want to put marriage on hold for a while. You need to sort out better childcare with your ex wives. "

💯

If you are unhappy now during the honeymoon period of your relationship, trust me its only going to get worse.

Given that you feel like this now, then this is not the relationship for you.

The best advice I can give is to leave.
I had a horrendous experience living a life with husband and two step children, it made me mentally and physically very ill - I wish I'd walked earlier.
There's been some great advice on here. I wish I'd taken it. It will never get better.

You can understand as the non resident parent that he wants to spend as much time with his DC as possible

but he’s NOT spending time with them. He’s leaving his partner to look after them while he does things he thinks are more important.

What he is almost certainly doing is using his partner’s annual leave to appear like a brilliant, involved father - and minimise his child maintenance payments at the same time - by having more (contactless) contact.

Here to agree with everyone else (as far as I'd read!)

I would reconsider this relationship, he can't have it both ways - expecting you to step up for childcare but not be interested in your opinions etc.

My DH is my DS's Step dad and has been very hands on with him, but he also got involved with every aspect of his childhood - I appreciated his opinion, we parented as a team.

Surely he knew what he was getting into when he got in a serious relationship and proposed marriage to a woman who wasn't the mother of his children?
Surely he knew his future wife deserved to be higher up the food chain than either of his ex's? And it is absolutely the exs he is puting first. What they want. What the don't want. What suits them. What they need. The word "no" should never offend their little ears.
He's told you can't use your annual leave how you choose has he? Got to wait to see what his ex girlfriends demand next have you? They will be shining bright.
This twat would not see me for dust.
My DH has managed to be there for his ex and child, been there for school emergencies, sick days, swapped to suit, extra days as and when required but also not make me feel the shite on his shoe because if we had plans and his ex came along with a request (not an emergency) then she was told "no".

I don’t think it is the exes he’s putting first. I think he’s putting himself first. The easiest thing from his perspective is just to go along with what his exes say. Challenging them or actually taking responsibility for organising any of it would be more effort. Especially when he’s planning to pass all the work on to the OP anyway.

very often, it is that men like these are putting themselves first. Every time.

Of course, it suits him to have the OP thinking it’s all his terrible, demanding, controlling exes. Because that way she’s not being annoyed at him for his failure to set coparenting boundaries and make arrangements properly.

It’s a brilliant magic trick. Everyone is busy blaming the various women, and even the children, while he gets to sit there playing the poor unfortunate father in the middle of all these awful women.

LOL at him thinking you should book time off work to look after his kids for him. He should be looking in to holiday clubs like lots of other parents do.

He's so entitled and dim that he's not even bothering to pretend that he's a decent partner before you've actually married him!

Dictating how and when you use your annual leave?

Grudging you days off to prepare for your wedding?

Does this guy think he's the boss of you? Because even most employers behave better than that.

Get shot of him!

Two things: firstly, quite a few men are (inexplicably) quite happy to p*ss of their wife/partner in pursuit of keeping the ex happy.

And secondly, if a man with children wants a new relationship, he has to give the relationship some element of priority every now and again.