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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Struggling with being a step parent

109 replies

MR1 · 23/02/2023 09:18

I am new to this but feel like I need somewhere to vent and hopefully not be judged. I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years and we are due to get married this year. I have no children but my partner has 2 children with 2 different women. A 11 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. We have his daughter 2 day/evenings a week and every other weekend. We have his son every other weekend (the same weekend as his daughter). His son is very polite and tidy and easy going, his daughter can be rude, always wants attention and never tidies up after herself. She gets away with so much, I try to tell my partner she should be doing things like taking her plate out once finished or putting her dirty tissues in the bin but he just says ah it's fine but yet his 4 year old does it with no problems and we don't even have to ask him to do it. His daughter's attitude isn't great and rather than being pulled up about it or given some form of discipline I.e. take her phone off her he gives her 3 warnings all the time so she just continues to be rude throughout the day. I try to say my bit but just get shut down.

I have been really struggling recently because both Mum's are constantly wanting us to have the children extra because they are out or away. His daughter has to stay with us if her Mum is away or out because she doesn't like being left with her step dad and step brother because they ignore her, surely her Mum should be speaking to her husband about this? For the last 4 weekends we have either had both children or one or the other leaving us with no us time. I keep trying to hint to my partner that it's not our weekend but he looks at it that he is happy to have extra time with his kids (which I understand) but it's like he doesn't want to spend time with me. We still have a lot to do for our wedding and when I mention that he needs to be more strict with both Mum's and say sorry we're busy, he just says we can still do wedding bits with the kids. We went suit shopping the other day and both children played up in the shop. I have integrated both children in some of the plans (mainly his daughter due to age) but some things are nicer to do if it's just us?

When it comes to school holidays both Mum's tell him what they want him to cover rather than discuss first before they book anything. This means on Easter or summer holidays we may have one child one week and the other child the other week. I have now been told by my partner that I need to save my holiday to help out when he has to work. I have less leave than him a year and I told him that before the wedding I want to book some leave to have some me time i.e get my nails done and finalise things, he got really annoyed and said I only need the day before off because he needs help covering the summer holidays. Surely he should be more firm with the Mum's and say no I need both children on the same week. They organise things on their situation with their partners and their other children and just expect us to drop everything. They also have family to help with some of the holidays so they don't have to take leave, we don't have that option.

Every time I bring this up to my partner he just says I knew his situation when I got with him and he wants an easy life with the Mum's and if he gets his kids extra it's a bonus.

I probably sound really harsh but we literally never do anything just us at the moment. We even have to cut our honeymoon short because he can't take too much leave so he can cover the school holidays. Yet one Mum went away last year and is going away again this year with her partner and the kids and the other Mum had 3 holidays last year, 2 with her husband and one with her daughter.

Unfortunately my partner's Dad is at end of life and obviously my partner wants to visit him everyday. I also want to visit to spend as much time with him before he goes but when we have his kids the weekend through to the weekdays I am expected to look after them and miss out when he could ask the Mum's to help out for an hour or two.

I also struggle with 2 medical conditions, Type 1 diabetes and M.E and I can't predict how I will be each day health wise. Some days I have to rest as best I can and I'm made to feel guilty if I can't go to the park with them all or go for a walk. My partner previously even said that his daughter kept bringing up why I never go out with them? Surely that's down to him to explain that my health changes everyday.

I just feel like I'm always put to one side. It's always the kids and Mum's feelings put first. Sorry probably the world's longest rant!!

OP posts:

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 15:38

Sandra1984 · 23/02/2023 09:58

This. You’re NOT marrying a single man, you haven’t wrapped your head around the fact you’re marrying a family. Embrace those kids and treat them with love otherwise it’s not going to work. Poor kids, they deserve so much better.

Show quote history

The kids deserve better birth mothers and a father that doesn't want to dump their children on another person and expect them to take total responsibility but have none of the rights. OP deserves better all around.

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 15:43

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 10:01

I have now been told by my partner that I need to save my holiday to help out when he has to work.

Wow, he is being wildly unreasonable here, he has absolutely no right to expect you to do this at all, or be annoyed with you for not doing it.

I wouldn't marry him. I recognise that sounds flippant but he expects you to act like his kid's other parent and do his job for him, and that isn't how it should be. Any help you give should not be an expectation and should be gratefully received.

Even better, he wants her to be the beck and call girl for watching the kids but not have any rights of parenting. He wants to control her and her life but he is incapable of acting like a parent to his kids and gives in to the baby mamas' every whim and want. Like a PP said, "she is the hired help" and she will never be above that role.

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 15:46

Laurdo · 23/02/2023 10:10

We have my DHs kids 50% and they are absolutely his world and a priority, but I've never been made to feel like I'm 2nd best to them or that I'm not a priority too.

If his ex ever asks for us to have them extra days or to swap days he will always consult me first. I do the school run as I work from home so that's what works best and allows DH to work full time. This was something that was discussed beforehand, there was no expectation and I was happy to do it.
My DH trusts me 100% with the kids including disciplining them when I feel it's needed and asking them to do certain tasks. He often asks my opinion on parenting and I'm treated as an equal parent in the house.

I feel like my opinion and contribution to the family counts as much as his does. He appreciates everything I do and it never feels like I'm just babysitter. A good dad and partner will make sure everyone gets what they need from him and no one feels ignored.

Show quote history

And this is how it SHOULD always be, but sadly, too often, that isn't how it goes. You are lucky and your DSC and DH are even luckier.

Wizzbangfizz · 04/06/2023 15:50

You would be insane to marry this man - do you want children of your own? If so this situation will become 10x worse than it is now. Find a man without all this baggage.

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 16:00

Nooyoiknooyoik · 23/02/2023 12:40

Yes because men who prioritise their DC are “weak”.

Hey troll...are all the bridges closed? Is that why you are trolling here?

Feel free to GFYATHYRIO.

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 16:02

Laurdo · 23/02/2023 12:03

Can always spot the non step-parents a mile off!

Show quote history

Either a bitter ex-wife or a troll who lost their bridge. They're just trying to start something for attention.

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 16:16

MumOf2workOptions · 23/02/2023 13:44

Exactly this and you say you've been together 4 years and the dd is 4?
So basically he left his ex with a baby?? He sounds delightful
If you were "the other woman"
You've created a vacancy for a mistress
Run for the hills is my advice

Show quote history

It would be interesting to see how long he stayed with the two baby mamas in relation to when they got pregnant.

I would have walked when told that the honeymoon would be cut short because of him needing to save his leave. OP--let the baby daddy go home from the honeymoon early. You stay and enjoy yourself! (Though I still think the wedding needs to be postponed until you get things straight with future NVDH. Or run for the hills because I doubt if future NVDH will ever change.)

I am also flabbergasted that some posters think OP is wrong that she feels frustrated over not getting time to go places with future DH (God, I hope she runs), but think it's fine that the baby mamas get multiple vacations away and date nights because they dump the kids on their father, who wants to dump the care unto OP. OP deserves vacations/nights out as much as they do.

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 16:19

hryllilegur · 23/02/2023 14:12

Men like this are not prioritising their children. They’re not putting the children first.

they are putting themselves first.

A good test for whether a nonresident father is actually prioritising his children is whether he is doing the work, putting himself out for the children or if he’s passing the work and responsibility on to the women around him.

Putting his children first would be ensuring that he’s organising his annual leave, working pattern and leisure time so
that he is able to spend time with his children, to look after them, to cook and clean and see to their needs. The children want to see and be cared for by their father. That’s what contact is for.

And no. ‘But I need you to look after them so that I can see them after I finish doing x, y, and z without having to go to pick them up myself’ is not evidence that he’s prioritising his children. It’s passing the responsibility to you so he can put himself first.

While gaining martyr points and gaslighting you into believing that you are nasty and horrible for not doing it for him.

So often posters on MN reinforce that gaslighting. They insist he’s putting his children first. And you’re an evil cow for
not being cock-a-hoop at being allowed to be his unpaid nanny/housekeeper.

Standing Ovation Applause GIF by The Maury Show

Bravo! Well said! 💯

Nanaof1 · 04/06/2023 16:31

@MR1
I also struggle with 2 medical conditions, Type 1 diabetes and M.E and I can't predict how I will be each day health wise. Some days I have to rest as best I can and I'm made to feel guilty if I can't go to the park with them all or go for a walk. My partner previously even said that his daughter kept bringing up why I never go out with them? Surely that's down to him to explain that my health changes everyday.
@MR1

I have what is called now M.E. but used to be called CFS. As you get a bit older, the M.E. will probably get worse, especially when you are already dealing with Type 1 Diabetes. Stress exacerbates M.E. and you are looking at a lifetime of rising stress if you marry this dud. He is already putting undue stress onto you and the wedding hasn't happened. He is trying to dictate what you do with your leave and dismissing your plans/wants/wishes.

You need to have a serious look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Is this what I want to deal with for the next 30 years?" Maybe see a counsellor and work out why you are settling for this.

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