Struggling with being a step parent

[MR1]

I am new to this but feel like I need somewhere to vent and hopefully not be judged. I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years and we are due to get married this year. I have no children but my partner has 2 children with 2 different women. A 11 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. We have his daughter 2 day/evenings a week and every other weekend. We have his son every other weekend (the same weekend as his daughter). His son is very polite and tidy and easy going, his daughter can be rude, always wants attention and never tidies up after herself. She gets away with so much, I try to tell my partner she should be doing things like taking her plate out once finished or putting her dirty tissues in the bin but he just says ah it's fine but yet his 4 year old does it with no problems and we don't even have to ask him to do it. His daughter's attitude isn't great and rather than being pulled up about it or given some form of discipline I.e. take her phone off her he gives her 3 warnings all the time so she just continues to be rude throughout the day. I try to say my bit but just get shut down.

I have been really struggling recently because both Mum's are constantly wanting us to have the children extra because they are out or away. His daughter has to stay with us if her Mum is away or out because she doesn't like being left with her step dad and step brother because they ignore her, surely her Mum should be speaking to her husband about this? For the last 4 weekends we have either had both children or one or the other leaving us with no us time. I keep trying to hint to my partner that it's not our weekend but he looks at it that he is happy to have extra time with his kids (which I understand) but it's like he doesn't want to spend time with me. We still have a lot to do for our wedding and when I mention that he needs to be more strict with both Mum's and say sorry we're busy, he just says we can still do wedding bits with the kids. We went suit shopping the other day and both children played up in the shop. I have integrated both children in some of the plans (mainly his daughter due to age) but some things are nicer to do if it's just us?

When it comes to school holidays both Mum's tell him what they want him to cover rather than discuss first before they book anything. This means on Easter or summer holidays we may have one child one week and the other child the other week. I have now been told by my partner that I need to save my holiday to help out when he has to work. I have less leave than him a year and I told him that before the wedding I want to book some leave to have some me time i.e get my nails done and finalise things, he got really annoyed and said I only need the day before off because he needs help covering the summer holidays. Surely he should be more firm with the Mum's and say no I need both children on the same week. They organise things on their situation with their partners and their other children and just expect us to drop everything. They also have family to help with some of the holidays so they don't have to take leave, we don't have that option.

Every time I bring this up to my partner he just says I knew his situation when I got with him and he wants an easy life with the Mum's and if he gets his kids extra it's a bonus.

I probably sound really harsh but we literally never do anything just us at the moment. We even have to cut our honeymoon short because he can't take too much leave so he can cover the school holidays. Yet one Mum went away last year and is going away again this year with her partner and the kids and the other Mum had 3 holidays last year, 2 with her husband and one with her daughter.

Unfortunately my partner's Dad is at end of life and obviously my partner wants to visit him everyday. I also want to visit to spend as much time with him before he goes but when we have his kids the weekend through to the weekdays I am expected to look after them and miss out when he could ask the Mum's to help out for an hour or two.

I also struggle with 2 medical conditions, Type 1 diabetes and M.E and I can't predict how I will be each day health wise. Some days I have to rest as best I can and I'm made to feel guilty if I can't go to the park with them all or go for a walk. My partner previously even said that his daughter kept bringing up why I never go out with them? Surely that's down to him to explain that my health changes everyday.

I just feel like I'm always put to one side. It's always the kids and Mum's feelings put first. Sorry probably the world's longest rant!!

OK, so even if you had 'roses and rainbows' in your eyes and heart when you first walked in to this situation, reality has set in and you know better now. What you have now is what you will always have. It is what it is. His kids come first and that's the way it should be. It's up to you to adapt or end the relationship.

As far as what you can 'do' about it....not much. You can tell him that you will not be using your holiday leave to be 'de facto childcare' during the holidays, he will need to work that out with the children's mothers. You can 'absent yourself' (ie retreat to the bedroom or stay elsewhere) when the DC get to be too much. But that's about it.

He expects to 'set all the rules' for you and for his children and expects you to abide by those rules. Is that something you want to live with for the next 30, 40, 50 years? Because all the 'having children' issues doesn't magically stop when a child turns 18. It's just a different set of 'issues' that he'll also want to 'set the rules' for. I have children but no stepchildren and all the worry, help, and issues didn't evaporate into thin air when our DSs reached 18. It's just a different set of worries until they get 'launched', then compromise and adjustments once they're out on their own. But obviously, they are things I deal with gladly since they are 'mine'. I wouldn't find it so easy if they were steps. That doesn't make me or anyone else a 'bad person'. We all have the right to decide how we want to live our lives.

I made a decision long ago that I wouldn't marry a man with children simply because I didn't want the issues that come along with step-parenting. God bless the people who do it with full and loving hearts. I admire them. But I'm not one of them.

Having two sets of children is always going to be difficult as the mums don't have to coordinate together I don't think I would be able to deal with this situation either

This is honestly one of the best posts I have ever read on Mumsnet 👋👋👋

*You will always come second to his children. That's natural - he's a father.

My view honestly is this really won't change and nor should it. His role as a dad comes first. It always will do. If it's unacceptable to you, then I would rethink your relationship*

Yes to this.

He’s a dad first and foremost. If that doesn’t meet with your requirements leave. If you have kids with this man yourself, life will get a billion times harder.

Please don’t marry this man - so many people will end up leading miserable lives.

This is exactly why I don’t date men with kids despite being in my 30s. I wouldn’t want me (or any kids we have together in the future) coming first ahead of his children he had before I was on the scene ….but OTOH I would be unhappy at being second,third place etc behind his child (ren) with other women, so it’s better for all if I to avoid that situation.

if you can’t handle maybe best to bow out now rather than encourage a man to see his kids less.

Hi... I'm a step mum and I can tell you, you have a Partnee problem.

As everyone else has said above, he is not treating you well or including you in his life plans. He is using you.. to make his life easier.

My DH has 2 sons - I never provided as much child care for my step-sons, I went on holiday with him (mon-thurs due to seeing them on the weekends), and he always notified me of changes of plan first.

I honestly won't marry him... this lifestyle will continue until the kids are 18 and potentially beyond, which will lead to resentment. Unless you sit down and have a serious talk with some changes, then I won't marry or continue the relationship.

Good luck

This. It will use become harder. Listen to your gut.

You may get some very anti-stepmother replies, I’ve not read the thread but I suspect there will be, but for the record, I’d feel the same as you.

He’s being mugged off by the mothers, and expecting you to save your limited annual leave to use to babysit his children on school holidays, while not saving any time for you both to go away, is not on.

If I were you, I’d think long and hard about whether this is a relationship I’d want to stay in. And as nothing will change, I suspect I wouldn’t.

If you wanted children of your own, he sounds the sort of man who’d up the Disney with these two kids, and leave your shared child entirely to you.

I do think that children should come first. However that doesn't always mean the ex's plans need to come first... I don't see the issue with both parents saying what does or doesn't work so well for holiday plans etc. Such as trying to arrange to have both on the same week in the holiday... that would surely mean he could use his own leave economically and actually spend time with both children while he is on leave rather than OP looking after one of them as they come at different times? Unless exes are totallh unreasonable something like that could be worked out at least some of the time.

That being said, it doesn"t sound as if he has any intention of looking at things that way, but would rather just work around ex's plans. Which would be fine if it was just him, but he is basically getting you to do childcare because he isn't interested in being a bit more organised about things.

I think you are finding out the hard way why people without children don't get involved with people who have, the situation will never change I'm afraid, you will be making all the compromises and sacrifices for the foreseable future to accommodate his children and will be labeled selfish and horrible if you say anything, you will have no say on how he parents his kids and will jsut have to put up with it, I'd leave now and find some at the same life stage as your self I.e no kids and is more compatible long term

I agree with this.

This is definitely not a "he has kids, what did you expect" problem. This is a "he's a dickhead hiding behind his kids to excuse it" problem.

It so often is.

It’s such an effective shield too. Look at all the many posts on this (and similar) threads on this board, from people insisting that these are wonderful fathers whose kids are no. 1 (with the added ‘as they should be’).

Almost every single time though, the details show that he’s putting himself first - his feelings, his choices, his comfort- and using ‘I have kids’ to make his partner feel awful for not delighting in being treated as his nanny.

Weirdly so many of these posters seem to mistake having his partner look after his kids is ‘seeing his kids’. And she is being awful for trying to limit the time he spends with them. 🤯

I used to call this ‘access by proxy’ and it’s very common

It's nice that he wants to see more of his children. But he is being completely unreasonable in telling you when you can take your annual leave. He needs to sort out childcare himself or negotiate with his exes.

He doesn’t want to SEE more of his children. He wants more of what @Coffeepot72 calls ‘access by proxy’.

It is not the same thing.

He wants to see his kids more but doesn't want to do the actual hard bits of parenting. Definitely bin him off. I would only have a relationship with a fellow parent as hopefully they would understand that I would love my DD more than them. I would always want to see my DD as much as I could until she naturally starts to distance as adulthood approaches. It wouldn't work with someone who didn't get it and wanted to be put first. That being said he's definitely lining you up to be a nanny/housekeeper and a shag. Get rid.

OP I feel for your situation and have dealt with similar issues with my DH. It’s so hard and it will get harder once you’re married, speaking from experience. I know that’s not what you want to hear, just like I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it, especially so close to the wedding.

One thing I would say is stop doing so much for your DP and his children. Yes you are a family unit but you’re not their parent and will never be allowed to parent. I never use my holidays to look after my SD, in fact I don’t look after her as a general rule, except once or twice when DH got called into work or we are just doing something girly for the day. I’d help out in an emergency but I’d never use all my free time so that DH can bow down to his exes demands and disregard my wants and needs.
And if your DP doesn’t want to set boundaries for his DD then he has to deal with the repercussions of that (cleaning up after her, etc), not you.

You also need to sit down and tell him how hurt you feel by him not making time for your relationship and your wedding plans. Rightly you are including the children, but there are some things you need to do as a couple and he has to realise that if he wants to get married then he has to invest in you as well as his children.
This whole “kids come first, so suck it up” gets banded around way too much - if they were both your kids would that be acceptable? They shouldn’t come first at all costs, but they should be a priority and so should you. The person who comes first depends on the situation at the time.

You may not want to leave him, but you do need to at least set some boundaries of your own before you get married

Please don't marry him. This will NOT get better.
It might get harder - you might be told that Mum #1 is going away for 2 weeks and you HAVE TO do all the school runs for SS during an ME flare up.
Or told that a pregnant SD is moving in, and she's having your bedroom.
Or that you can't visit your end-of-life family member because you are required to run around doing pick-ups for stepkids.
Or that the retirement you have been looking forward to together for so long as actually not happening because you will need to babysit your step-grandchild.

I don't want to sound horrible or unkind. I don't want to make you run screaming from this thread which you might already have done. But it feels to me like to him, you could be anyone. So long as you put up, shut up, pay up and suck it up.

I'm a stepmum and absolutely yes, schedules can be very complicated but nothing ever like this. This is not a typical set-up so please don't let him tell you this. He sounds totally like a Disney Dad which is hard enough. Let alone this chaotic set-up with no knowledge of what your schedule will realistically look like. Its doesn't have to be this way and it's no way to live. It will shatter your mental health and worsen your physical health.

Please reconsider this relationship. If you don;t believe us please speak to friends, family, or a therapist. Genuinely trying to have your back here x

⬆💯 This relationship is a one-way street. The DP is getting everything he wants. A nanny, a maid, a cook and another mother for his two children with two different women. All he has to do is marry OP and he has unpaid labor to care for his children that he can even dictate when she can use her vacation time.

OP, if you don't see more red flags than a communist parade here, you are in for a rude awakening. He is not husband material. His demands will only get worse after the wedding when he decides it is all on you to care for his kids, while he plays Disney Daddy. There is a reason he is not with either of the mothers of his children. I think you know, deep within that this is not the road you wish to travel. If your DP doesn't care about your health, your happiness or your well-being now, what makes you think he'll value any of that after marriage? You will always be the last of his priorities, even below his two baby mamas.

Op seems to be missing in action 👀

Absolutely pathetic isn't it. The "kids come first" bullshit only seems to apply to dad and his new partner, doesn't it, they don't come first when mummy wants her space.

But in any case I agree, LTB, you should be an equal priority, you are no ones second best. You are not an unpaid nanny, even the fact you aren't allowed to discipline the eldest means that you are not able to care for them safely, so tell him to shove his entitlement up his arse. Do not marry him, find a bloke that isn't used goods and have your own children with them.

Too bad he has yet to actually act like a father. He needs to go and marry one of his baby mamas, then he can have his free nanny, cleaner and cook and he can go do his thing without ruining yet another life.

Well said. It also sounds like the baby mamas are taking advantage and dumping the kids on the OP and her NVDP so they can do whatever they want. That isn't how life works. OP should have no responsibility for the kids if she has no rights with them.

OP needs to walk away from a very selfish, self-centered man who would rather kowtow to his baby mamas than his future wife.