Dislike DPs son

[Beingveryhonest]

I've been Googling a fair bit and apparently it's pretty normal not to love your step-child?!

I've tried, genuinely. But I don't love anyone else's kids, only my own. Apparently that's quite normal too?

So, DP has a son, 7, who I experience as spoilt, obnoxious, unboundaried, whiny and attention seeking (all the time).

Now I know rationally that the little mite has likely had a rough time; parents don't get on (DP is trying but there is a long complicated and messy history, he didn't have an affair though, she left him).
DP is a very calm, considerate and kind person. My DC absolutely love him, and he loves them. His DS though...I just can't stand to be around him. He always tries to take centre stage and it's exhausting. I actually think I may be allergic to him. I guess you can't like everyone. However, he doesn't know how I feel thankfully and I never let it show one iota. Not even a look. He's always asking to see me and my DC which is nice, I guess.

DP knows how I feel and is understanding as he finds DS behaviour very, very challenging and is really trying with his parenting; I see how much effort he is putting in. His mum thinks he has ADHD but he's well behaved at school, so I doubt it.. but I'm no expert. She gets very angry with him and has been physical. So I have loads of empathy for him. It must be hard. But I still don't like him.

Where do I go from here? I don't feel great about my dislike, but I'm human...

I can relate, my advice is don't move in together.

Yeah I wouldn’t love any stepchildren either 🤷🏻‍♀️ like, fine, but I think it’s pretty normal to not love kids that aren’t yours, especially if you do have your own.

You should leave his dad, or his dad should leave you. I would never be with anyone who openly admits to me that they can't stand my child.

You are human and your feelings are your own but in your position I'd be seriously looking at the relationship, the little boy will always be in your life and if you don't like him then you should leave and let his Dad have the chance of a relationship with someone who likes their child.

Thanks for your replies.

Littlebirdie, I too would leave someone who so much as hinted they didn't like one of my DC, without a second thought.
I think it's a bit more nuanced than that though given the behaviour he displays. It's hard. And I do say I dislike the behaviour to DP. But yes, on this post, I've said I don't like him, which is how I feel right now.

Paterday that's exactly how I feel, thank you.

Though I have to say, I do like some of DCs friends, not all, but some are really sweet. But there's the odd one or two (usually with similar personality traits), that I struggle to like

How often do you see him? If you don’t live together, depending on how often he’s with his dad, just see much less of him.

It sounds like his dad should be having a lot more than whatever the current set up is, or full time, if his mum is physically abusing him. That’ll have an impact on your DP’s free time but it might be best for his son.

You’re never going to like everyone you meet but it’s a pretty significant relationship in which to experience such strong negative feelings that you feel you’re allergic to him.

If you can, dial it back to dating rather than blending.

Letmedown thank you, I think I know that deep down. We've been together quite a while and the only reason we separated for a bit was for that reason. We just found it hard to not be together, which is pretty selfish and childish I guess. Need to look at the bigger picture and what's best for the kids.

Honestly, me neither I'd head for the hills. This is tough though. He likes you and you hide your feelings but isn't that going to make you miserable then?
Do you live together?
I'd suggest if you stay together it needs to remain on quite a limited version so you don't jump into the whole "blended family" scenario.
You can't force yourself to like a child but knowing that you don't like him, don't force a false relationship with him that will hurt him much more in the long run.

That poor child , his dad thinks he is hard work . His mum sounds awful . You dislike him . No wonder he plays up for attention . He doesn't sound like he has had a stable home life at all. His dad needs to be a better parent and put his son first not you .
You sound very childish

Anne DP has his son EOW and one or two nights in the week, but yes his mum can be physical. She's also quite charming and manipulative though so it's unlikely he'll be removed from her care unless something major happens...

When DP has his son, we might see them once over the weekend, more than that I find difficult as he winds up my youngest and can be quite mean to her (though she does like him sometimes!).

I agree with dialing it back rather than blending. We've talked about moving in together, but I just don't see how that would work...

Merlin I disagree, just being honest, as per my name. You're not very helpful.

Long shot, but it might improve with time?
Our nephew spends a lot of time with us, and up until around age 9 I had a very similar struggle with my feelings about him. Then he grew up a bit, stopped being a whiney twat and now he's great fun (aged 12 now and better company each year).

What do you want people to say ? Oh yeah I hate my step kids too. But we stay together because we just can't be apart . Its selfish and childish . The child is more important than your relationship. You will just cause longterm damage . Onto of the damage his mum is already doing . He is only 7 !

I don't judge you for not liking him, although I do feel quite sorry for the boy from what you've said no one really is stepping up to do the best for him, however that's not up to you.
I think I would just keep things as they were, definitely not move in with your partner or probably leave tbh.

oh thank you for the conversation. I signed up to look for advice or tips on how to deal with this step-kids issue.
I have (his ) ex from hell in the picture unfortunately and tonight I broke up with my partner of 2 years. As well as much drama between them - which seem to destine the new partner to a very lonely spot - she tried twice to seduce him back over time (last time this summer..). Obviously i reacted to this by writing to her - not very nice things - and she showed my texts to their kids… who in response totally detest me.

my guy and this lady had been separated way before i came in the picture (he had other gfs before me…). I have always been nothing but kind to him and them. My whole fam - my 2 kids adored him and welcomed opportunities to spend time all together with him and his kids. But then this lady did the tricks and fucked it all up. Feel sorry for the kids but i am also super pissed.
My point is - i broke it off because my bf s a good man but with invisible balls. And his kids are facing a long life with crazy mama…And the grief and shit i need to eat in order to be with him is not just not worth it, but impossible to metabolize.
i m sad you guys :( x

Drhouse we don't live together so really, there's no pressure to blend or spend any particular amount of time together. It may make me feel miserable pretending, that's true. But I think I've been holding onto the hope my feelings will change or I'll suddenly start feeling more warm feelings towards him.

I do feel fond of him in some ways and he's not terrible. I recognise the problem (of not liking him) is mine and not his.

I feel the same about my SS. He is as you’ve described but 9. We have had many conversations about it and arranged it so that my dc’s are with their dad when he is with DH. I am then able to do my own thing with friends/family/by myself (which I enjoy!) and he gets 1:1 with his dad and that side of the family. He is happy because he gets the attention he wants and doesn’t compete with my dc’s and our relationship is fine because I don’t spend enough time with him for it to become irritating.

Not loving him is one thing but active dislike is a huge problem. It’s completely unfair on the child and I don’t think I could respect a man who had a relationship with someone who disliked his son.

What does "physical" mean? What proof does he have? What effort is he making to get greater custody if his mother is physically abusing him?

Gcien9that then, it sounds doomed. He's a dick if he doesn't fight for a child who's being physically abused and you'll resent it if he does.

That's really encouraging to read Leticia. I think partly it may be his age. I have girls so I don't have much experience with boys, so maybe the whinyness does ease off a bit...I don't know.
He can be interesting and funny, but -at the moment- I'm finding it hard to separate him from all the other behaviours and see that, if that makes sense..

Justbrokeit you need to do your op thread not hijack ops.

I get that Tomato, and I weirdly feel sorry for him too. Weirdly I want to step up and be there for him but I just can't. I know that's down to me and the issue is mine.

That's a bummer but it is what it is. Probably best to split up.

Op this is an ongoing issue which caused your previous break. For the benefit of everyone you need to break this off permanently