Dislike DPs son

[Beingveryhonest]

I've been Googling a fair bit and apparently it's pretty normal not to love your step-child?!

I've tried, genuinely. But I don't love anyone else's kids, only my own. Apparently that's quite normal too?

So, DP has a son, 7, who I experience as spoilt, obnoxious, unboundaried, whiny and attention seeking (all the time).

Now I know rationally that the little mite has likely had a rough time; parents don't get on (DP is trying but there is a long complicated and messy history, he didn't have an affair though, she left him).
DP is a very calm, considerate and kind person. My DC absolutely love him, and he loves them. His DS though...I just can't stand to be around him. He always tries to take centre stage and it's exhausting. I actually think I may be allergic to him. I guess you can't like everyone. However, he doesn't know how I feel thankfully and I never let it show one iota. Not even a look. He's always asking to see me and my DC which is nice, I guess.

DP knows how I feel and is understanding as he finds DS behaviour very, very challenging and is really trying with his parenting; I see how much effort he is putting in. His mum thinks he has ADHD but he's well behaved at school, so I doubt it.. but I'm no expert. She gets very angry with him and has been physical. So I have loads of empathy for him. It must be hard. But I still don't like him.

Where do I go from here? I don't feel great about my dislike, but I'm human...

Thank you spring, that's really kind

Roseheart that's very level headed and I agree, thank you.

I've been in your position OP,met my partner when his son was 4,(parents split when he was 8 months old).He was the most spoilt,tantrum throwing brat ever,partner was a Disney dad and wouldn't discipline him,or seemed scared to,we couldn't go anywhere without him screaming and causing a scene if he didn't get his own way.He came to us every weekend and I used to dread it.He was 7 when our DD was born and when she got older he was vile to her,pinching,hitting when he thought nobody was watching etc,partner was still useless with discipline and in the end I made sure she was never alone with him.He wouldn't speak to me or look at me and every weekend was an ordeal,I genuinley couldn't stand the sight of this kid although I never made this obvious or said anything to my partner.
Fast forward to now,he's nearly 16 and such a lovely boy and now I look forward to seeing him!,Him and DD get on well and if someone would have told me back then that I'd grow to love this boy I'd have laughed in their face!.
I definetly wouldn't advise moving in together just yet until you've given it a lot more time,years even.

Not all children are easy to like, just because they're children. Some of them have been spoilt as hell and it shows.

Poor child, my 7 year old has ASD and can be hard work but actually taking a bit of time to spend with him makes such a difference!

Have you spent proper time getting to know him? Without your children there?

He's 7!!! He's still so young! His parents have split up? He's gone from being an only child..how many children do you have? Does he get on with them?

I'm sorry op but I think your "kind considerate" partner is anything but as he is putting his needs (ie a shag) above those if his child!

You said you are "allergic" to his child ffs! How horrible!

And whilst you say you don't let it be known, trust me it will be noticed and will be felt.

Mrs Ballens wow - yours is another really helpful post, thank you so much.
I see a LOT of similarities in behaviour there so it's lovely to know that sometimes it does all work out. I recognise though that I need to do some work too and really keep on top of my own thoughts and feelings.

I'm just being honest mammy about my own thoughts and feelings. And no - there's no way he knows, none at all.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I have so much empathy for him and what he's been through.

Also -winemammy did you read the whole thread? I'm not saying that horribly. But just to say - sometimes situations are more nuanced than they seem at first. It's easy to judge and see things through our own prism, sometimes you just need to step back.
It sounds like this is very close to home for you, so there's no judgement on my part (and not even because I'm teetotal!!)

allofthemwitches yes! But why don't people feel comfortable admitting that?

He is 7. Still very young.

I have my own 7 year old and also 3 step children. I find the middle aged step child the most challenging in terms of behaviour, attitude etc but also keep in mind he is only 9. Still very young, many years to develop as a person. And reality is, challenging moments aside, he is a funny and caring little boy.

If you keep telling yourself that you don’t like your SS, then the negative feelings will increase, your relationship with his dad will become untenable. It is fine to not love him, but it would be reasonable to care about him and not actively dislike his very existence.

This thread is one of the saddest things I have read on here. Poor little lad, is anyone on his side? His mum smacks him, his step mother has a visceral dislike of him and his dad says 'understands' why his partner dislikes his son instead of dumping her.

Your partner needs to take time to focus on his son before his mental health is damaged for life (if it isn't already) and he needs to do that away from you. No matter how well you may think you are hiding this from him, he has noticed.

How come when parents come on here saying they hate parenting their children/feel as though they dislike them, no one ever suggests that the kids will 'pick up on it' but when step parents say it, suddenly everyone thinks kids have psychic abilities.

People do say the children will pick up on it, on those types of threads, @AllOfThemWitches.

It’s not a popular view on those threads either.

But remembering back to when I was a child, I can remember being more acutely aware of any adult who wasn’t one of parents/grandparents being irritated with me. Because they were less familiar to me. So in the case of newer step parent relationships, I think the children do notice more.

It won’t get better. It will only get worse. Run for the hills now while you still can. <voice of experience>

You are incensed by a 7yr old? Your boyfriend sounds like a wet lettuce. And a lame dad. Hopefully you'll split up soon.

I assume that's to me.. wow! You have no idea of why my user name is as it is...

You came on for honest opinions and I've shared mine. I'm a teacher and children are not stupid, especially aged 7... you actively dislike this child, he will know even if you think you are masking it.

I just think it's disgusting of his dad to know that his partner doesn't like his child but won't put his child first. And you don't seem bothered by somebody!

What if your partner told you he actively disliked one of your children?

I don't accept that it's just a straightforward personality clash. He is a child, an innocent, and though he might not be yours by blood I think as a mother you are hardwired to empathise with and love and protect children. Instead of doing that you are consciously fostering an active dislike of this little boy, which is just very sad really and not true to who you are as a mother (I hope). I think there is something about him that is triggering something in you, and I think you need to get to the bottom of what this is, deal with it and let it go. Maybe you feel jealous that he is the product of your partner's former love? Maybe the boy reminds you of his 'manipulative' mother? You mentioned before that you often dislike children who display certain characteristics. What characteristics are they? What happened in the past to make you feel uncomfortable around those behaviours? Who do they remind you of?
Or maybe he is reminding you of some aspect of yourself you'd rather not acknowledge? What would have happened if you'd displayed those kinds of behaviours as a kid?
Because I think your reaction to him sounds excessive and thus irrational (ie springing from your subconscious). I would not kid yourself that you can disguise your true feelings, kids are far far too perceptive for that, and it will be harmful to him to feel your dislike.

In a way it seems like the boy has been scapegoated by the adults, that is the role he plays in the family - emotional escape valve. Mum takes her frustration out on him, dad finds him a handful and understands why stepmum doesn't like him, stepmum is 'allergic' to him. He's just a little boy. He could really benefit from some unconditional positive regard from the adults in his life (aka love). You seem to have all agreed that he isn't worthy of it. I disagree. I love all kinds of people who aren't my biological kids. It's easy when there aren't subconscious blocks getting in the way. Love is natural and real (as Morrissey said) and you can absolutely consciously grow it.

@DangerNoodles exactly. The child is being physically abused by his parent and the father who sees him occasionally is dating a woman who does not like him. Not sure why OP is around the abused child at all, his father urgently needs to prioritise parenting him, paying for therapy, trying to get more access to the abused child. Disgraceful situation that’s been allowed to happen, so depressing. Is the father striving every hour to educate himself on how trauma will impact his kid, how to best get the child away from the ‘get physical’ mother, what therapy he will need for years as a result of the parents failures? If not-why?

The little boy’s behaviour is so challenging that mum and dad find him very difficult so it’s not surprising that you find him hard to like too.
This week someone was telling me they went on a course for parenting difficult children and they found it really useful so that might be an idea for DP and you?
Do you really need to fully blend? Might it be better for all the children to run two households so everyone’s home is a safe, comfortable place? There’s no need to aim for full on happy families.
With your DP going to court for a change in arrangements - is he aiming for 50/50 or primary residency? For everyone’s sake I would suggest you need to have committed one way or another by then.

If the child is in England, smacking is legally permitted, so the ‘getting physical’ may be entirely legal. It’s not my way, for sure and I don’t personally see how it can ever be justified. But the reality is, depending on what the OP means by ‘getting physical’ it wouldn’t stand up as abuse in any court if it can be shown to be within the legal definition of smacking.

As shit as it is, it's unlikely ss or court would view a one off instance of 'physical' punishment as abuse. It would depend on the circumstances leading up to it and if the parent was open to seeking support. Recently, I read a thread on here where a mum admitted to being 'too rough' with her kid. She was clearly struggling to cope and received nothing but sympathy.

I have a 7yo boy op. He’s challenging, high energy but can be charming and funny. School love him - he’s an Angel, not behind in anything and a year or so ahead in reading. He is seeing a psychologist for adhd and the gp who referred me has a 12 yo boy with adhd, said she could see lots of similarities and had no hesitations at all about referring. Just for thinking about. The gp I took him to at 4 obviously just thought I was a paranoid parent, so it was nice to find someone more understanding! I took lots of examples of ways he behaved as obviously he wouldn’t do them all in the doctors office, he is pretty well behaved with other people

This

Thanks so much for all your replies, really helpful and lots to think about.

So, with ADHD, his school have an excellent SEN team and ELSA support and they don't think he has it. His mum is the only one saying it actually. I'm diagnosed ADD though that by no means makes me an expert in all ND diagnoses , far from it. However with my brother (ASD), his work involves doing the initial assessments for CAHMS for that age group. He hasn't seen him clinically but he did suggest it's more of an attachment issue (with the constant attention seeking etc).

I've done both Tuning into Teens and Kids (Both great course but Teens was particularly good - lots of lightbulb moments). I wonder if there is a more specialised course I can do though?

Incident was reported to SS, but barring a phone call to his mum, they weren't interested. It's incredibly frustrating. I felt very angry at the time.

DP would have full custody in a heartbeat, but doesn't think that's realistic when it comes to being granted. He's going for 50/50 which his mum is fighting tooth and nail. Her benefits will reduce and she's said as much.

I did re-read my original post and to be honest, it does sound harsh. I get that. Emotions ebb and flow and I know it's up to me -as the adult- to regulate and monitor those.
I need to separate the behaviour from the child, which actually I can do for most of the time. It just all feels a bit muddled in my head, but I don't want anyone to think I feel good about having those thoughts - I really don't. He is vulnerable and needs understanding and to be protected. I wholeheartedly get that.

It's a bit of a war in my head sometimes, maybe I need some counselling to unpick why I'm being triggered, I'm not sure.

I think the idea of maintaining two households is really good actually. That way everyone - primarily his DS and my DC get to have safe and secure spaces