Dislike DPs son

[Beingveryhonest]

I've been Googling a fair bit and apparently it's pretty normal not to love your step-child?!

I've tried, genuinely. But I don't love anyone else's kids, only my own. Apparently that's quite normal too?

So, DP has a son, 7, who I experience as spoilt, obnoxious, unboundaried, whiny and attention seeking (all the time).

Now I know rationally that the little mite has likely had a rough time; parents don't get on (DP is trying but there is a long complicated and messy history, he didn't have an affair though, she left him).
DP is a very calm, considerate and kind person. My DC absolutely love him, and he loves them. His DS though...I just can't stand to be around him. He always tries to take centre stage and it's exhausting. I actually think I may be allergic to him. I guess you can't like everyone. However, he doesn't know how I feel thankfully and I never let it show one iota. Not even a look. He's always asking to see me and my DC which is nice, I guess.

DP knows how I feel and is understanding as he finds DS behaviour very, very challenging and is really trying with his parenting; I see how much effort he is putting in. His mum thinks he has ADHD but he's well behaved at school, so I doubt it.. but I'm no expert. She gets very angry with him and has been physical. So I have loads of empathy for him. It must be hard. But I still don't like him.

Where do I go from here? I don't feel great about my dislike, but I'm human...

Op I genuinely admire your courage in being honest here.

Good luck in the way forward for you all.

Thank you Caramel that's really kind.

I'm the first to admit my many faults and flaws. How else am I going to change and grow

Op, this sounds a lot like one of our nephews. It is very difficult. We also suspect ADHD but the parents are completely unwilling to even consider this. Their very messy and unpleasant break up, and probably even more importantly, years of being unpleasant to each other and horrible atmosphere at home, are most likely the reason that this child is so unpleasant. But it is awful and it makes everyone who knows them less likely to invite them round or suggest activities becuase the child is such hard work.

DH and I KNOW that it is not the child's fault. But when he hits DD or kicks DS or breaks my stuff, it's very hard not to blame him. Even silly little things - his parents are so precious about his long curly hair that it's permanently hanging in his eyes. He hates it, refuses to wash or brush it and wants it shorter but his parents won't do it. As a result, it's always dirty and messy and it makes him look ridiculous. We KNOW that's not the child's fault. Given the chance, he'd get a buzz cut. But we still find ourselves reacting to the poncy, dirty hair too.

My only advice is do not even consider moving in with this man. While he is working on improving his son's behaviour and helping him to feel more confident, he needs to be separate. He needs space to focus on his child and build their own routines and stability. You need space for you and your children to be safe.

Thank you Triffid, sounds all very similar to DPs son. Like you said, you KNOW it's not their fault (they're only a child), but it's hard when it affects other things (your DC getting hurt etc).
I think a lot in this case also relates to a very messy breakup and unhelpful co-parenting...

Take on board (and agree with) your advice about not living together at the moment.

I would step back. Maybe meet DSS and Dp in the park with your children but otherwise, let them have that EOW as pure 1:1 time.

I'd urge your DP to ask the court for as much custody as he can realistically manage and keep a record of every incidence of the mother's physical abuse and her comments about fighting to keep custody to maximise her benefits.

It sounds like DSS might benefit from some private counselling on his dad's time if possible.

Meridian I agree - I think that's a good way forwards. There's a lot of work they need to do together.

DP has pushed for ELSA support (though school haven't identified anything problematic that they've seen, but they have offered it after DP asked) because of some of the history, so that will be starting soon. Depending on how that goes, he'll probably look into counselling then.

He's noted all the things about benefits, the abuse towards him on messages (there's lots) for court.

I think if I'm honest, the thing that irks me the most is DPs sons entitled, spoilt behaviour as his mum can act in a very entitled way, like the world owes her something. The opposite of any humility.
But I fully recognise that could be a personality trait or learned behaviour. Either way -again- need to separate the behaviour from the child and try harder to have even more empathy and tolerance.
But yes - time to take a step back.

So yes of course you can't love a child like you love your own. But love takes many forms.

It it's a awful age - look at parenting forum there seems to be a pattern in terms of age.

That said I think you don't dislike your DsS but dislike the behaviours that he's showing totally normal btw. If someone repeatedly hurt my child (no matter who they were - I wouldn't have warm and fuzzy feelings about them)

Also the opposite hormone to the love hormone is the fear hormone. It can literally stop labour so if your forever worried your child will get hurt it, makes biological sense you wouldn't feel love of towards DsS if he's the cause of it that fear. That's because your body is programmed to keep your child safe and activate when you perceive your child is unsafe. You can't unwrite this biology even if you know the child's actions are most likely a response to trauma.

I found being aware of all this helped mentally but also helped give space between the emotions, the actions and the child.

Because their brains are plyable until adulthood you may actually find the child in front of you is very different in adulthood. So it's more like baring with until it calms down.

Also just if your DH isn't actively managing the situation that's going to activate that fear hormone and I personally think that maybe your cross at the wrong person.

Because ultimately the adults that created the child should be managing this. And I have expectational sympathy for a child who's being hurt by his mum. You may find that if DH did get full custody the child's behaviour calms down a lot from having a normal structured life and he recovers a bit.

Clearly mum isn't well if she's doing this to her child but ultimately the child needs to be put first. And you need to keep your child safe and put them first.

Obviously only my opinion.

Thank you hourbyhour and wow - so many points you mentioned really hit home.

I've never looked at it that way before, but I think you're spot on. It's fear underlying at least some of my thoughts and feelings.
I'm on edge around him because of the unpredictability with how he acts, particularly with my youngest DC. I see now that acknowledging that fear and stress response allows me to separate from it a little.

Deep down I do feel he may grow up to be a very different person. I seem glimmers and yes - it's the behaviour(s) I find hard.

DP does and doesn't manage it well. But he does manage the situation and his DS feelings
far better than he used to. Yes - I am cross with DP too as he has let DS down and was, alongside his mum, responsible for most of this. Though it's not helpful to blame so I'm trying to stay positive and child centred.

I do see his DS settling down over time with more time spent with his Dad.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

Some posts were extremely helpful and have given me an awful lot to think about and work on. Some (a very small minority that said) I found to be a little judgey and not at all constructive. But I just skim read or skipped those ones altogether to be honest!! 😊

I really got a lot out of the posts that were practical and empathetic and also it was so helpful hearing about others experiences, thank you again xx

@Beingveryhonest I think it's a reasonable response actually because the situation wasn't of your making but your expected to act v v differently to how you feel.

I think personally that emotions when let out, lose a bit of their potency and I don't think your blaming DH or mum, I think your acknowledging a situation that you have limited influence in and expected to smile.

Honestly I really have been there but kids really can turn a corner so there is hope (until then remember) your also being fair to DsS because if something was to happen, it wouldn't just change your Dds world but his as while.

There's absolute no point in pretending these feelings don't exist. You will get there !

If your DP said the same to you about your children, what would you do?

I am not sure I could have any respect whatsoever for a man who made excuses for his child’s behaviour to maintain his relationship. His child should be his priority. He should be supporting and defending him. Why would you even want to be with such a man?

@Changechangechanging

*If your DP said the same to you about your children, what would you do?

I am not sure I could have any respect whatsoever for a man who made excuses for his child’s behaviour to maintain his relationship.*

I'm confused by this. Your not sure you could have respect for a man who makes excuses for his child's bad behaviour. Fine sure. But your expecting op to say well I wouldn't be with him.

Which is everyone's right, but if silencing your partner and not allowing that partner be honest that your child's actions are hurting another then that's not right.
Sp aren't a sub form of human that don't have any right to find certain behaviours unappealing.

If my daughter was hurting another kid, I wouldn't expect that kids mother to be like oh little Jonny that's ok, cutie.

His child should be his priority. He should be supporting and defending him. Why would you even want to be with such a man?

Then you suggest that OPs husband isn't putting him first and not defending his sons behaviour. When in the first sentence your saying you couldn't respect him for letting him get away with bad behaviour.

I don't know anyone who would defend their child if they were hurting another. Any decent parent at any rate would want their child to know it isn't excusable.

And then you add a shaming comment on the end.

Here's the thing and it doesn't go down well on sp board but not all behaviour is likeable. Not all behaviour can be put down to children are children. Some behaviour needs to be corrected.That is where OP DH is letting his son down by not correcting it and letting his child hurt another.

People have bad things upsetting things happen. It's not a excuse to hurt others.

I'm a adult step kid and I really find this ideology that to be a good dad, you must absolutely allow bad behaviour to continue otherwise your picking your wife over your child.

Bad behaviour is bad behaviour, and the reason we have bad adults in this world is because people were taught it's ok to hurt others if they were hurting too.

Jesus bloody wept.

I sympathise OP - I would suggest you just need to find coping strategies which it sounds like you already have e.g. spending time alone when DH has his son etc.

So it's just a case of coping. It will get better in time. Take the positives when they happen, and try to avoid the situations which trigger you and him.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship if I couldn't stand to be around my partner's children, regardless of the reasons...because I wouldn't be with someone who felt that way about my child.

I'd feel even worse if my partner liked my kids.

You don't need to love a stepchild...but can't stand is the other end.

In many cases SMs don't like the SC, but wouldn't say it to their partner...because they know a lot of men wouldn't accept that. The fact that OPs partner knows this and happily stays in the relationship speaks volumes.