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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dislike DPs son

114 replies

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 19:50

I've been Googling a fair bit and apparently it's pretty normal not to love your step-child?!

I've tried, genuinely. But I don't love anyone else's kids, only my own. Apparently that's quite normal too?

So, DP has a son, 7, who I experience as spoilt, obnoxious, unboundaried, whiny and attention seeking (all the time).

Now I know rationally that the little mite has likely had a rough time; parents don't get on (DP is trying but there is a long complicated and messy history, he didn't have an affair though, she left him).
DP is a very calm, considerate and kind person. My DC absolutely love him, and he loves them. His DS though...I just can't stand to be around him. He always tries to take centre stage and it's exhausting. I actually think I may be allergic to him. I guess you can't like everyone. However, he doesn't know how I feel thankfully and I never let it show one iota. Not even a look. He's always asking to see me and my DC which is nice, I guess.

DP knows how I feel and is understanding as he finds DS behaviour very, very challenging and is really trying with his parenting; I see how much effort he is putting in. His mum thinks he has ADHD but he's well behaved at school, so I doubt it.. but I'm no expert. She gets very angry with him and has been physical. So I have loads of empathy for him. It must be hard. But I still don't like him.

Where do I go from here? I don't feel great about my dislike, but I'm human...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Dontknownow86 · 02/02/2023 20:21

I sometimes felt this way about my ex's eldest. It improved a lot as she got older and grew out of a lot of the behaviours. I also think I got used to them and was able to deal with it a bit better. I would maybe put off moving in and see if anything changes?

AllOfThemWitches · 02/02/2023 20:21

I don't agree you need to split up. Just don't be there when his child is. It's not as though the kid needs a step parent figure in his life...

Original poster

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:21

Justbroke I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. I get that (certainly the crazy mama thing, as much as I don't want to stereotype my DPs ex, I hear you).
hope you've got some good support around you x

OP posts:

Justbrokeit · 02/02/2023 20:23

Starlitestarbright How kind of you…and such lovely choice of words. Kinda put off the whole thing 😅Cheers

JennytheDonk · 02/02/2023 20:23

Can your DP gently work with his DS on his behaviour?

Of course part of it will be just be being a small child, but you can certainly work on whinyness in a subtle way.

Original poster

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:27

Justtobeclear thank you, that's really, really helpful to read your experience. That's how I envisaged it would be if we did live together (though I already had my doubts about doing that and certainly people on here have echoed those).

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2023 20:27

How long have you been together? Have your feelings changed over time in one direction or the other?

He’s mean to your DC, that’s going to put you off anyone. You really can’t have them spending any time together if he upsets her. She has no say in it at all, you wouldn’t be okay with a kid in her class picking on her and would do everything in your power to put a stop to it. Why ever choose to allow this to happen to her at weekends? Liking him sometimes isn’t good enough, it sounds like she’s probably quite unhappy about seeing him.

How does his dad deal with his difficult behaviour? Do you feel he takes it seriously, tries to preempt it, uses appropriate consequences?

That’s a lot of questions and you don’t have to answer them! I’m just trying to get a bigger picture.

I’ve been a stepmum for a long time, was one before I had my own so a different experience. I adore my now husband but if I’d taken against his children when I first met them I honestly don’t think I’d have carried on seeing him. It’s just too big an incompatibility. There have been times they’ve driven me to absolute distraction, they’re teens now and the challenges change with the years, I find one or other easier to love, they’re people with better and worse bits, like all of us.

Your aversion to this young child sounds quite intense and visceral and tbh I can’t see you liking him more if it’s already been a while. 7 was a bloody breeze considering the joys of 9 year olds and 13 year olds.

I’d be having a big rethink but only you know how much of an issue you feel this is. Surely it’ll reflect on your feelings for your partner.

Starlitestarbright · 02/02/2023 20:28

Justbrokeit wasn't meant that way but it enables you to get your own support and feedback on your subject rather than derailing ops thread that's all.

Original poster

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:28

Boringcooking I get everything you said.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:30

Thanks dontknow, I am hopeful things may change over time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:31

Naturally DP needs to focus on helping his DS. That's the most important thing. As it would be with me and my DC.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:33

Absolutely Jenny, I was introduced to therapeutic parenting recently and he's been trying bits of that alongside making other changes. I think his sons behaviour is better when they're on their own, but as soon as he's with us -even though he always asked to see us- the behaviours come out. Suggesting, I guess, it's an attention thing and not wanting to share his Dad (which I completely get btw and is normal I'd imagine)

OP posts:

Ruffpuff · 02/02/2023 20:35

You don’t have to love him, or like him even. But keep seeing his behaviour through the lens of his upbringing. If his mother has been physical and nasty/abusive towards him (and how do you know it’s stopped?) then your dp really should be doing more to get more hours of custody, the child is being failed. It should be reported. If my dp had hurt my child I’d be doing everything in my power to keep my child away from him.

Riverlee · 02/02/2023 20:35

I’m sensing the dc doesn’t have any boundaries, and dp wants to be the good guy with his son. Therefore, I think you need a honest conversation with your dp that while you’re together, certain behaviour will not be tolerated, and if you have to impose boundaries, then you will. You will need to work as a team on this. Dc will probably resent being parented, have tantrums etc, but don’t give in. If you impose a sanction, ie, no computer time, then make sure you enforce it.

FenghuangHoyan · 02/02/2023 20:36

Been in a similar situation before. That child grew into a very unpleasant teen-ager and that teen-ager ended up assaulting me during one of their drunken rants... And that was the end of that relationship. I wish I'd listened to my gut and not thought I could change them, because if anything they got worse.

ThePear · 02/02/2023 20:42

you don’t need to be around the child, you don’t live together and the father should be 100% focused on the abused child on the tiny amount of days he sees him. Is the mother still abusing him? And your boyfriend never bothered to get the boy safe? Just shrugged it off as ‘the mother is manipulative.’? If so, he’s an absolute disgrace.

Original poster

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:43

Anne just over two years. My feelings haven't really changed, they slightly go up and down but generally they're the same. I was hoping I'd start loving him if I'm honest (don't feel great about that).
I am Uber protective of my youngest and I think I started disliking him when he started being more whiney and mean towards her. He's just quite intolerant of her if she's singing for example or doing something quite innocent. I think that's the crux of why I really struggle with him. She is quite resilient and a tough little bean, but even so. I think that's why I've limited out time together.. though we have had some -brief- lovely moments all together.

DP has become more strict over time as initially, when I met him, his DS was almost like the parent! It was uncomfortable to watch but things have definitely improved since then.

My dislike probably does come across as quite visceral, I can see that.

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SkyHippoOnACloud · 02/02/2023 20:44

So the DSS sees your family as the better family to be a part of and tries to be a part of it, asking to see you and your DC etc? If he has a shitty home life maybe he doesn't have the skills to do that well, especially at his age and especially if he is ND. Behaving well at school doesn't rule out ADHD at all, it's common to behave when you have to (if you're able to) and let off steam when you don't. But his behaviour could also be as a result of his home life and life experiences. He's hardly going to be the picture of serenity with everything that's happened/is happening to him. Not all abused people shut down and become quiet, some act out. I'd guess DSS would rather be part of your family unit and is well aware he isn't so feels insecure, leading to all the attention seeking etc. Has DP ever spoken to DSS about you and your relationship? Maybe DSS is worried DP has found a new better family and he'll be pushed out? Maybe when DSS is old enough to choose who to live with he'll choose his dad, who sounds like the better parent? If DP will have him, that is. Away from the effects of his DM bad/inadequate parenting perhaps he'll have a chance at turning out ok?

I think people are being harsh towards you telling you to split up. This child has two parents one of whom is in a relationship with OP. OP isn't responsible for her DSS, her DP is. If her DP feels the relationship is detrimental to DSS he should be the one breaking it off. I don't see it's wrong of OP to wait and see how things turn out. "The child is more important than the relationship" in general yes, but OP isn't responsible for the entire world only her own life and DC. I imagine her relationship could well be more important to her than her DSS. She doesn't owe anyone sainthood and she's allowed to be in love.

PennyToffee · 02/02/2023 20:46

How would you feel if your DP disliked your kids?

Original poster

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:46

Ruffpuff it has been reported but nothing came of it. As I mentioned before, she's very charming and believable, so it hasn't been easy to get people to listen. I think it's very infrequent, but still - any incident is one too many. At least, as it's been reported, if anything were to happen again, there is a pattern.
DP is just at the beginning of the court process re: access

OP posts:

MiaMoor · 02/02/2023 20:47

His dad knows how you feel and hasn’t left you?

I’d lose respect for a man who isn’t putting his child first.

Nosleepforthismum · 02/02/2023 20:48

He’s only 7 and acting up because of his relationship with his mum and now his dad has a new relationship with you and he’s also probably jealous of him being close and affectionate with your daughters. It’s sad to read that you’ve expressed your dislike of him to your DP who has agreed with you. I would think the kid is picking up on this whenever he visits but isn’t emotionally mature enough to know what to do and is just acting out instead.

Original poster

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:49

Agree with you completely Riverlee. On the plus side, we work very well together as a team. We're on the same page when it comes to parenting. We all make mistakes and DP realises he's made some. As inhale I with my DC (lots of them)

OP posts:

ThePear · 02/02/2023 20:49

That’s something at least. I mean, bare minimum.

Is this worth it? Just to have a bloke? I’d rather enjoy life, personally.

NotaCoolMum · 02/02/2023 20:49

littlebirdieblu · 02/02/2023 19:53

You should leave his dad, or his dad should leave you. I would never be with anyone who openly admits to me that they can't stand my child.

Yep- this 100%

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