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Original poster

Dislike DPs son

114 replies

Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 19:50

I've been Googling a fair bit and apparently it's pretty normal not to love your step-child?!

I've tried, genuinely. But I don't love anyone else's kids, only my own. Apparently that's quite normal too?

So, DP has a son, 7, who I experience as spoilt, obnoxious, unboundaried, whiny and attention seeking (all the time).

Now I know rationally that the little mite has likely had a rough time; parents don't get on (DP is trying but there is a long complicated and messy history, he didn't have an affair though, she left him).
DP is a very calm, considerate and kind person. My DC absolutely love him, and he loves them. His DS though...I just can't stand to be around him. He always tries to take centre stage and it's exhausting. I actually think I may be allergic to him. I guess you can't like everyone. However, he doesn't know how I feel thankfully and I never let it show one iota. Not even a look. He's always asking to see me and my DC which is nice, I guess.

DP knows how I feel and is understanding as he finds DS behaviour very, very challenging and is really trying with his parenting; I see how much effort he is putting in. His mum thinks he has ADHD but he's well behaved at school, so I doubt it.. but I'm no expert. She gets very angry with him and has been physical. So I have loads of empathy for him. It must be hard. But I still don't like him.

Where do I go from here? I don't feel great about my dislike, but I'm human...

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Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:49

Have I, I meant to say!

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Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:51

Allofthemwitches good points actually, thank you

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Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:52

Sorry to hear that Feng that sounds awful. I get what you mentioned about listening to your gut

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Wnikat · 02/02/2023 20:53

Understandable but He’s 7 so you don’t have much of a future with his dad if you find him intolerable. Poor kid.

Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 20:53

No, thepear that's not it at all. However she is RP currently and there is a court process that needs to happen. Incidents have been reported.

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Hurdling · 02/02/2023 20:56

@Merlinsbeard83 and you sound very judgmental, have you even read the OP’s post?

Janblues · 02/02/2023 20:56

Poor child. I feel everyone would be better off if you split. I mean how unsympathetic do you have to be to actively dislike a 7 year old. How would you feel if the shoe was one the other foot.

MummyJ36 · 02/02/2023 20:59

OP….children are very perceptive. I’m sure on some level this boy knows that you dislike him. I grew up in a situation where it was obvious that my mums partner would much rather I wasn’t on the scene so he could have her all to himself. It was incredibly hurtful and I’m still not over it many many years later. I was an only child and felt very lonely. DP is a package with his son. The feelings you have are not wrong but they are also not conducive to a long term relationship. This boy is only 7years old. Children act up for all sorts of reasons and it sounds like he has nobody in his corner.

Remagirl · 02/02/2023 21:02

He's 7.

emptythelitterbox · 02/02/2023 21:02

Is your DP expecting you to parent the boy? Cook,clean, entertain, etc.

Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 21:02

Skyhippo thank you. Everything you said makes so much sense. And yes - I think you're right about how he may feel in that: he wants to be part of our unit as it's more secure but equally he feels insecure as he doesn't know how he fits in. Hence acting out and attachment/attention seeking seeking behaviours.

I haven't said it before (possibly it's obvious..) but I'm ND, so I have empathy if he does have ADHD. And actually - I have empathy for any reason he has to act out (may or may not be trauma from his mum). It's as if I understand things in a logical way and on a rational level and have genuine empathy, but I can't stop the negative feelings towards him. Though, being honest, they're not actually as visceral as I think they're coming across..

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Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 21:10

It's actually a very strange dynamic with his mum, that I'm not sure I understand.
she is very hard on him (obviously), but then holds him up on a pedestal and expects everyone to give him special treatment (ie nothing is good enough for her son, not his Dad, my family etc). So, he's ex fed up quite spoilt and insecure?! I'm not sure I understand the whole thing and it must be confusing for the little boy, I get that. Like I've said before, many times, I have empathy for him and feel sorry for him. I'm just being brutally honest about the thoughts in my head.

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Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 21:10

Ended up*

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RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 02/02/2023 21:13

Don’t be too hard on yourself, but do recognise your own part in this. 7 year olds are SO ANNOYING. And siblings are often dicks to each other. My two DSC are constantly at each other for being annoying, so you mustn’t hold it against him if he’s hard on your DD. Natural to feel it, but he’s honestly just being an annoying child. Your DC’s friends are less annoying to you because you know they’re going home eventually!

Honestly, I think it’s okay to not love DSC, but you need to keep a clear head and mantra as the adult: other peoples’ kids are annoying. Once they get to 12/13/14+ they are way more interesting and tolerable.

I think by pressuring yourself to feel love, you’re almost pushing him away more harshly.

Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 21:19

Raisethestakes thank you!
I'm trying my best to self-reflect in all this. But yes - 7 can be so annoying. And yes (again), you're right about DCs friends, it's a different relationship..
I love your clear headed thinking.

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Plainlyme · 02/02/2023 21:20

Raw honesty is always best, it's the fastest way to fixing whatever the problem is.
I feel similar feelings sometimes with my dsd10, but I agree with others that it's the circumstances of her life that's contributed to her behaviour.
It doesn't help that certain people are negative about me in front of her, when I've done nothing to deserve it.
It can be so frustrating trying to provide ever lasting love.
I find actually sitting and talking with her about whatever she wants to talk about makes it all better, sometimes kids really need some quality attention/attachment.

The fact you asked for help and you actually want to make it work speaks volumes, some people just feel a way without thinking about it n act on it, at the detriment to the kids involved.

I've been an unwanted step-child who wasn't even wanted by her real parents. I'm now a step-mum and 2 of my kids have a step-mum. I see it from all angles n it's never easy, wherever you stand.
I once read it's the most thankless job, where everyone just expects you to be the martyr and keep giving until there's nothing left, when you've given the world and more.

Sorry if I've gone on abit, this is close to the heart

DemBonesDemBones · 02/02/2023 21:22

He's not a good Dad if he's still in a relationship with someone who doesn't like his Son.

Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 21:28

Mummy I understand why it sounds like that, but genuinely - they're all putting him first. (Albeit in a skewed unhealthy way when it comes to his mum). He's at the centre of everything, rightly or wrongly.
Being ND, I'm very good at masking and I don't think he has a clue how I feel. And I don't act negatively towards him so why would he? I'm warm to him and sometimes I feel fond of him so in those moments I'm not masking/acting.

That sounds incredibly tough though (what you experienced). It sounds so hurtful and lonely, I'm sorry.

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Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 21:34

Thank you plainly and you didn't go on, at all.
I felt very moved by what you said.

Seeing it from so many angles changes it dramatically. I can see it from a few (my DC have a lovely step mum) and my parents weren't too great (they did their best at the time with the tools they had etc etc etc!), but maybe not as well as you see it all.
And thank you for sharing that you sometimes have felt like that too.
Thankless is a good way to describe it sometimes!

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Aldisfinest · 02/02/2023 21:38

I would never admit this to anyone but I honestly feel the exact same way about my partners daughter. He has two children and his son is lovely. Honestly a dream to be around. His daughter on the other hand, she's a sweet little girl but she's a lot. When she's around, she requires 100% attention. Her dad and I can't have a conversation without her crying or telling her dad that he doesn't love her. I've always said nothing. It got to the point where I had to tell him, when he sees her to spend time with her alone. I recognise she's young (9) and needs attention from her dad. At the moment she has trouble sharing it, which is fair enough so I encourage him to see her without me. Which he does. Honestly it became draining for me to be around. Everyone seems happier this way. Hopefully as she gets older, it will get better and we can spend time together again. I love her dad so want to have a good relationship with her. It's only been 2 years so perhaps she just needs longer, which is fine.

Springisspringingagain · 02/02/2023 21:39

I admire your honesty and disagree with need to split up. It’s hard to find someone you want to spend your life with. It sounds as if you and DP are a great team and might have a happy decades long marriage. A seven year old is not fixed in their character and will grow and change with maturity, hopefully into easier company. And of course they leave home at eighteen usually anyway. He doesn’t live with you and I’m sure if your DP is making one to one time for him he may become less attention seeking because his needs are being met. Of course the children are important but the adults are too and you sound reflective and kind to him. Hope it all works out.

roseheartfly · 02/02/2023 21:41

littlebirdieblu · 02/02/2023 19:53

You should leave his dad, or his dad should leave you. I would never be with anyone who openly admits to me that they can't stand my child.

Oh shush.

Her partner won't leave her for this nor should she leave him. She's in a relationship with the man not the child.

It's normal not to like your step child. If that's what you are asking. Whether this outweighs your feelings for your relationship is a question only you can answer. I imagine he will settle down and grow up.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 02/02/2023 21:43

I wouldn't love anyone else's child, even if they weren't a PITA. However, I would never have got involved with a man with young children for precisely this reason. The only children I'm interested in are my own. I'd take a step back from this relationship for the sakes of all the children.

roseheartfly · 02/02/2023 21:44

And of course most importantly as long as you don't isolate the child or allow him to be treated badly as a result.

Original poster
Beingveryhonest · 02/02/2023 21:44

Thank you Aldis, it's not easy to admit, but you've helped me and I'm sure others too.

My DPs son sounds very similar in many ways, that's why I've tended to stay out of the way a bit during their weekends. It really is draining and exhausting. I think it just does take time for them to adjust to the new dynamic. One of my older DC has just become a teen and she isn't bothered with anyone at the moment (whereas she always wanted to be around us..), so they do change..it's just hard being 'in it' sometimes.

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