Is coparenting even possible?

[Cocolocoo]

Coparenting, all parents have to do it.

Coparenting between separated parents, I’m beginning to think is a myth unless both parents have the same stance on how to parent.

It’s widely recognised that a parent can’t control what goes on in another parents home. What happens when one parent disagrees with someone the other wants to do regarding education, upbringing, etc….typically the RP gets their own way and it can cause major upset between the two parties.

For example, if a child has started being a fussy eater. RP panders to it cooking server also different meals until child eats something. NRP disagrees with this (as recommended by a professional consulted by both parents) and suggests RP take a different approach. RP says no and continues as before. NRP has to suck it up this being very limited as to what impact they can have on their own child’s life.

Other examples could be about attending school, etc, etc.

So…is coparenting ever possible or is it RPs rule?

I've co-parented with my ex for the last ten years.

As resident parent, I decide food, clothes, main hobbies, schools etc because I have to make life work on a daily basis.

The non-resident parent - my ex - is more than welcome to try other approaches, except the school, but obviously children like routine and what is familiar to them so it may not work. All parents have to accept that's how children are, but can try to make changes and persuade the child, or just go with the flow.

My ex has a new woman who, when ds was 7, tried to decide DS should be vegetarian (which was clearly none of her business). DS will eat his own body weight in cheese & tomato pizza but she gave him tofu and unsurprisingly he refused to eat it. Several hours later ds rang me because he was hungry. I rang ex to find out what was going on. The new woman had tried to insist, ds was demanding to come home. Ex stuck in the middle. I told him to feed his child or I'd go and collect.

Things like that are not worth trying to force. A fed child is better than an unfed child. Any changes necessary for health, need to be made gradually, in agreement and without interference from uninvolved parties.

Like all things it takes a bit of compromise.

@MintJulia
The food was an example, it’s not something I’ve personally struggled with but a friend of mines child was a fussy eater. I don’t mean doesn’t like tofu, I mean only wanted to eat chocolate. This was pandered to at one home which then made things really hard for the other parent and, long term, wasn’t good for the child either.

There are also things like watching films deemed too old, video games, etc. and different attitudes to a child not being in school. Never mind manners, Co sleeping, etc.

They’re all things that shape a child and I feel if the NRP and RP don’t agree then it’s RP that decides. Despite it not always being really, statistically, in the child’s best interest.

Those are pretty extreme. School attendance is a legal requirement, so if it is absenteeism rather than home schooling, then the nrp has recourse to the courts, and just eating chocolate is clearly a health issue.

In the end, would the nrp go to court and challenge for custody? Or at least 50:50? It sounds like something needs to change.

Does the rp need more help with childcare or money? What happens when the nrp talks to the rp?

Yes it is possible to co parent well.

In our set up there is no RP, the children spend pretty much equal amounts of time
With both.

Our parenting ethos is similar but not identical. Big decisions are made jointly, information is shared, punishments continued across households if needed so no parent is bad cop. Parents evenings attended together etc. We have a joint account for child related expenses. Do I need to bite my tongue sometimes-sure. Is there an odd thing I wish they did differently-yes. But am sure they feel the same about me. I pick my battles and only raise things I'd really necessary. It gets easier and easier as the years pass.

Broadly speaking they are a very good loving kind supportive parent and they have my back as the other parent. I wouldn't want to co parent with anyone else.

Me and my ex-husband coparent successfully, despite having a less than amicable relationship. We might not like each other very much but we've both been able to push past that when it comes to the kids. We're always on the same page, we speak on the phone to discuss how to deal with issues, we have each other's back, we go to parents evenings together.

It's not always easy, sometimes it's bloody hard work and I'm looking forward to when the kids are older and we no longer have to do it, but at the end of the day, the kids come first, and we both feel that way.

Unfortunately, my now DH's ex-wife does not feel the same.

I'm sure it's possible if the parents happen to have similar views on how to bring the child up, or if the child was fairly old so had already been through a lot of their formative years.

But what you've described is my experience, and it makes for a very different experience as a parent in ways I don't think many RPs understand. There's outrage on here when the NRP doesn't seem to view the DSC as "as much" theirs, but the truth is for my DP yeah DSS is his child, but his child that has essentially been completely moulded by someone else. In some ways it's like he's a stranger, he's certainly not the kid he would be if my DP had had much of a hand in shaping him.

Parallel parenting is a better approach when two people who used to be in a relationship and have children split up. It puts less strain on everyone including the children. Ideally neither criticises the other to the children but it’s accepted they’re running two different households and aren’t going to agree on parenting.

Tbh parenting differences are one of the key reasons couples split up so to expect them to be more on the same page post split is unrealistic.

I find co-parenting possible because we both genuinely have our children as priority. The examples above to me are divisive - because as one PP said when RP has to do five/six days of life (work/school/home/activities) then yes sometimes parents may make less than ideal choices to actually keep their head above water.

The issues we struggled with were more to do with his fathers attitudes towards women and feminism. Great fun trying to help a teen boy see how women can be at a disadvantage - while in his eyes his Mum does everything, always worked full time, drove, to the outside eye has her s**t in order. As the children get older they things for what they are.

In my experience it's almost impossible, two of my friends will say they have good co parenting but in reality one of the dads is good with contact and is flexible with emergencies etc but he pays nothing so she's always struggling with twins and the other dad never sees them regularly has no involvement in their upbringing other than a few weekends here and there but he pays a decent amount religiously each month.

My partner did both the above to his kids and still nothing could he agreed upon with his ex wife it was never enough etc.

I don't see anyone winning it's a shame

Sorry, should have made clear that I’m not in this position. It’s just my ponderings having spoken with friends this weekend.

I think it’s impossible then if you both have different values and younger children. RP won’t change how they do things the 80% of them time DC are with them so NRP has to.

There was a thread on recently about an 8 year old co sleeping. Dad didn’t believe in it but mum wouldn’t change so dad had to sleep in with her too (I think that was the solution). He didn’t think it was good for development but mum did.

I agree with the parallel parenting on the most part but for examples like the above, how can it. It just leads to a distressed and confused child every time she’s at dads.

@aSofaNearYou
That’s a very good point…we hear a lot about SP not ‘getting’ DSC but actually NRP can be very much in the same boat. Particularly if parenting really differs….something mental health doesn’t really touch upon

My DH’s ex just does whatever she likes, she didn’t even consult my DH on what secondary school DSS should go to - there was a choice made more complicated by SEN. In fact he found out via his Mum.

She will complain he isnt involved enough but when he tries to get involved complain he’s making life difficult and stop consulting him altogether. She could argue with herself in a phone box and is a walking contradiction, I don’t know how she manages parenting at all let alone Co-parenting. She can’t make her own mind up let alone have a sensible discussion about it.

I imagine it’s only possible if both parties are willing to compromise and IMO the RP always feels downtrodden and so acts through spite and the NRP just trudges through trying not
to rock the boat.

@MintJulia How did you stay patient during 'Tofu-gate'? 99.9% of the population would prefer to avoid the stuff! That's a classic example of a new partner being way too involved.

That’s a very good point…we hear a lot about SP not ‘getting’ DSC but actually NRP can be very much in the same boat. Particularly if parenting really differs….something mental health doesn’t really touch upon

Yes, certainly in my DPs case it creates a distance in his relationship with DSS that's pretty taboo to talk about on here. But in my opinion it's somewhat inevitable when your child is essentially being raised by someone else with substantially different values, approaches, interests, sense of humour etc to you.

Maybe the Gf was veggie and didn’t cook meat. Tofu is hardly offensive. This is a perfect example of why Co-parenting can be so difficult, parents bending over backwards to find issues where there are none.

I know my DH struggles as we have totally different households and values and it makes it very difficult for DSS to “slot in” as DSS expects things to be the same as at home and DSS struggles with the notion that there are other children here now that require DH’s shared attention. I don’t want my DC to be shown DSS coming round and all the rules changing for the weekend and all the things I’m firm about - from brushing their teeth to not having crisps for breakfast falling to the wayside because DSS has arrived.

@LyingDogsLie1 How on earth is this a parent 'bending over backwards to find issues where there are none'?

It's not up a partner to 'decide' a child should be vegetarian and then refuse to provide an alternative when he fails to eat a new food. And if she didn't want to cook meat this his father presumably could have cooked.

Yes his father could have done. But offering tofu isn’t a crime and it’s not difficult to imagine a kid turning their nose up without good cause. I don’t offer my children alternatives to tea either and I wouldn’t be cooking a second dinner. I don’t think SM has behaved unreasonably.

also you don’t “decide” someone becomes veggie in contact time - more likely the SM was a veggie herself and that’s what was on offer for tea. He wasn’t being starved.

@aSofaNearYou
It’s really not talked about at all and it’s a HUGE factor that I imagine a lot of NRP go through. Particularly if they separated when the child was young.

It shouldn’t be taboo, you can still love and do the best you can by someone without being able to fully relate the them.

It is very sad though.

@LyingDogsLie1
Yes, I’m with you on that one…it might have been a Meat Free Monday to be more green or whatever. Hardly scraps out of the bin…he might even have liked it if he’d tried it 🤷🏻‍♀️

But anyway…

PS I like tofu 🙈

I was simply responding to @MintJulia 's post where she says

My ex has a new woman who, when ds was 7, tried to decide DS should be vegetarian (which was clearly none of her business).

...and then phoned his mum as he was hungry.

Totally mishandled. Mum shouldn’t have got involved - or should have said “speak to your dad” he wasn’t being starved and there’s no way SM and his dad could control him not being offered meat outside of that contact time. Which would be unreasonable and is essentially the reverse what the poster has asked for.

@MeridianB I knew ds can be very vocal when he's hungry. 😀

Ex is lazy & will do anything for a quiet life, which is how he'd let the situation arise in the first place. I knew ds would grumble and moan until ex couldn't stand the noise anymore, and he would eventually summon the energy to disagree with his new woman.

I just let it play out and then suggested I go and collect DS if ex couldn't cope !

Ex could either admit he couldn't cope, put up with ds whining for hours that he was hungry or go to the village shop and buy a packet of sausages and some beans. The last option was the easiest one. 😂 And new woman now knows not to interfere.

We actually co-parent well, ds eats a healthy & varied diet and we've had about three disagreements in a decade. We just needed to get the ground rules clear.😊

If the NRP strongly disagrees with how the children are being parented, surely the solution is go to court to argue that it would be in the children's best interests for the NRP to become RP (or agree this with the other parent).

The joy of being an adult is that you get to decide how things are run in your own home. So long as the standard of parenting is adequate (and 'adequate' encompasses a hugely diverse range of parenting approaches), one parent doesn't get to tell the other parent how to do things. Yes, it will be the RP establishing the child's routine and that may cause difficulties for the NRP, but that's tough luck. The RP is not the NRP's paid nanny who can be given orders on how to care for the children.

If the NRP strongly disagrees with how the children are being parented, surely the solution is go to court to argue that it would be in the children's best interests for the NRP to become RP (or agree this with the other parent).

This is said a lot but it's not always that the RP is doing anything obviously wrong. It's just not what the NRP would do.

And I don't think anyone is saying the RP needs to change what they're doing to suit the NRP, just acknowledging the difficulties that can arise.