Is coparenting even possible?

[Cocolocoo]

Coparenting, all parents have to do it.

Coparenting between separated parents, I’m beginning to think is a myth unless both parents have the same stance on how to parent.

It’s widely recognised that a parent can’t control what goes on in another parents home. What happens when one parent disagrees with someone the other wants to do regarding education, upbringing, etc….typically the RP gets their own way and it can cause major upset between the two parties.

For example, if a child has started being a fussy eater. RP panders to it cooking server also different meals until child eats something. NRP disagrees with this (as recommended by a professional consulted by both parents) and suggests RP take a different approach. RP says no and continues as before. NRP has to suck it up this being very limited as to what impact they can have on their own child’s life.

Other examples could be about attending school, etc, etc.

So…is coparenting ever possible or is it RPs rule?

My ex has a new woman who, when ds was 7, tried to decide DS should be vegetarian (which was clearly none of her business). DS will eat his own body weight in cheese & tomato pizza but she gave him tofu and unsurprisingly he refused to eat it. Several hours later ds rang me because he was hungry. I rang ex to find out what was going on. The new woman had tried to insist, ds was demanding to come home. Ex stuck in the middle. I told him to feed his child or I'd go and collect.

You don’t think your last sentence is indicative of being demanding - you have your ex an ultimatum. He wasn’t starving his child he was offering something you deemed unsuitable. But which is a perfectly acceptable food offering. It was one meal.

Your child behaved badly and you reinforced that to get one over on your ex and assert some authority over his partner. Your behaviour was inappropriate.

*You have basically let your kid use you as weapon to dictate what goes down in dads house.

Dads the parent in his house. If your DS didn't want to eat dinner he was hardly going to starve and waste away.

It wasn't that he was offered gruel.

I wouldn't undermine my ex like that and my Dd sm was the other women (and I like her)

But then I don't want to create a child that behaves like that because one day they will turn into a fairly adult*

Have to say I agree with all this. Also think 7 is very young to even have a phone, let alone use it to ring mum to complain about dad.

Lord I missed a word - typo

"Fairly Interesting adult"

That said I don't think you can co parent if you pull this type of shit. But I suppose clues in the name co parenting- meaning together - not dictated/instructed to.

@aSofaNearYou honestly sofa it makes me ashamed to be classed as a ex wife when I see people thinking this behaviour is normal/right 😵‍💫 worse still her ex seems to be missing a spine.

@Laurdo
im glad your DSD is dealing well with the parallel parenting but not all children adapt so well, especially at bedtime.

@PennyRa
a bit of a nasty comment…DC probably won’t feel the same closeness with someone they’re with 10% of the time as opposed to someone they’re with 90% of the time. I’m sure NRP would wish it was different too. Secondly, the thread is about coparenting - NRP may not believe cosleeping is in the child’s best interest but RP doesn’t feel the same so what to do if the goal is to coparent?

Most of the posts commenting on what works well actually describe parallel parenting, which brings me back to my original point of coparenting being mythical….

Then how do you explain grandparents with strong relationships then. With grandkids who love staying over. They have them far less, also have different rules, but it's ridiculously common

Because the grandparent dynamic is different to parental one.

And it's been studied that grandchildren often are closer to their mothers parents than dads. And that's with similar time spent.

Relationship with grandparents is completely different but, mainly, not every child does settle well for grandparents…flippant comment

Grandparents also don’t tend to parent…

It's the parents job to form a relationship with the child, not the child's and certainly not the ex

@PennyRa
Sadly, NRPs aren’t always given much of an opportunity to do so…or have a RP undoing that relationship. It’s not as straight forward as that.

It's their choice

Ime NRP are much more likely to be delegating their limited parenting opportunities to their partner.
When a couple has a child it is much more common for the woman to go part-time or slow down her career where as dads tend to stay in their pre-child job even when he splits with the child's mother. Assuming a 5 day working week, there's little time for parenting considering the number of waking hours left.
If that dad's new partner has children then based on what I read here, it's much more common for the woman to be doing childcare on her days off than the mum's new partner who is probably doing a full time job like dad.

That’s the point it isn’t always and that is the basis of this thread.

Their lack of relationship 100% is

@PennyRa
What about when the RP has blocked NRP number from their phone and DC are too young to have a phone?

What about parents with non-molestation orders in place?

Or where RP moves to another country?

Typical Mumsnet making judgments purely based on their own experiences rather than looking at the bigger picture

Why would a phone matter? They chose to do whatever it was that caused the order. And you do what you have to.

If you have a bad relationship with your child that's on you. "But rp did this, rp did that" if they were really that bad you would be the rp

If a NRP only sees their children EOW (or less due to distance, etc) then the DC are going to find more comfort in RP and have less of a relationship NRP.

i mentioned a phone because that would be a way for NRP to contact DC when they’re not with NRP. Everything I mentioned would impact the child’s relationship with NRP as it minimises contact outside of that agreed (potentially in a court order).

No, nothing I listed above with mean the NRP would become the RP. None of it.

Also the non molestatiom order may because of the RPs behaviour toward NRP. Not because the NRP chose to do whatever caused the order.

If you have a bad relationship with your child that's on you. "But rp did this, rp did that" if they were really that bad you would be the rp

Frankly this is really naive. Parental alienation is a real thing.

The courts will allow a non molestation order and fact find later. The process can take several months. Sometimes years, in which time the relationship between NRP and their children is weakening, if not breaking down entirely. Are you really so naive that you don’t think some RP’s abuse the system for their own end?

This is really good point, I actually spend more time doing things with my DSC and my own DC than my partner does, I’m doing it for my own and just end up doing everything for all the children. I’m the one they all come to when they want something or want to play. We both work from home but he doesn’t get disturbed but I do.

@Str3bor
Thats not a coparenting issue. That’s a DP issue