Is coparenting even possible?

[Cocolocoo]

Coparenting, all parents have to do it.

Coparenting between separated parents, I’m beginning to think is a myth unless both parents have the same stance on how to parent.

It’s widely recognised that a parent can’t control what goes on in another parents home. What happens when one parent disagrees with someone the other wants to do regarding education, upbringing, etc….typically the RP gets their own way and it can cause major upset between the two parties.

For example, if a child has started being a fussy eater. RP panders to it cooking server also different meals until child eats something. NRP disagrees with this (as recommended by a professional consulted by both parents) and suggests RP take a different approach. RP says no and continues as before. NRP has to suck it up this being very limited as to what impact they can have on their own child’s life.

Other examples could be about attending school, etc, etc.

So…is coparenting ever possible or is it RPs rule?

It's not about what would hold up in court, but about what is best at that particular time for the child. Yes, the NRP can insist on overnights but then they need to figure out their own way to comfort and reassure their child, even if it's a sleeping bag on the bedroom floor. And if only the RP will do, the NRP needs to work on being accepted as a safe person by their child and take it at the child's pace. Or accept that their sleep will continue to be interrupted. I don't have that much sympathy tbh... my DC has had a nasty fever for the past few days and, even with co-sleeping, is still waking multiple times during the night screaming and needing to be cuddled back to sleep. Sometimes you don't get a full night's sleep as a parent, that's life.

And no, there aren't that many 18yos who still co-sleep with mum, so really that's not a big concern 🙄.

Cases where one separated parent didn't believe in vaccination and the other does have gone to Court.

Regardless of which parent doesn't want the vaccine the Court always sides with the medical professionals that mirror public health guidelines so rules the child is to be vaccinated.

The only time a child themselves cannot be forced to have a vaccination is if the child is assessed to be Gillick competent.

In my experience with DH and his ex, it seems to be the RP who gets all the day and the NRP (my DH) effectively has to do as he is told otherwise it all ends up back in court again and the courts usually side with the mother.

The frustrating thing is, most NRPs don't choose to be that. They have no choice but to barely see their child because the RP won't allow 50/50 (in DHs case). It was her that chose to break their family up, yet DH had to pay the price for it by not seeing his son as much as her.

@LyingDogsLie1 Yep and then social services will turn it around on the NRP (usually father) and say he is being malicious and only making reports to get more time with this child. You can't win either way.

In my limited experience of one step child and a very hostile mother, co-sleeping encouraged by one parent can make it an effective part of parental alienation tactics. Just pointing out it’s not always done in the child’s best interests.

I don't agree with the original post. It's stereotypical and lazy to suggest that RPs "pander".

@paintitallover
I don’t think RPs pander, I do think that they are often willing to compromise or take NRPs opinions on board. And visa versa.

The OP is asking whether it is possible to coparent.

Some of the examples re sweets, etc happen even with coupled parents. However, they’re often more willing to discuss and compromise.

I do think sleeping is a massive issue…
@Sleepless1096
In that instance, the NRP wouldn’t be going at the child’s pace. They’d be compromising their relationship with the child because the mother chooses to allow them to cosleep. I do think that RP need to think about the bigger picture and how to help a child adjust between two homes rather than just focussing on their own home. Cosleeping for a short time due to illness is different though, I feel.

And, a lot of the time, it does come down to what a court thinks as that’s where everyone keep saying to go if NRP doesn’t like the arrangements.

Social services aren’t going to care because NRP isn’t happy with a child’s diet, sleep routine, etc. This isn’t about neglect, it’s about different parenting styles and how they work together (or don’t)

That’s assuming that the NRP has the means to go to court (and I really don’t agree that self representing gets the best outcome) and that the RP is minded to take notice of the court order once granted.

Have a couple of friends who have spent tens of thousands in legal fees, over the course of several years, the court order represents exactly what they asked for but RP has taken no notice. Back to court they go, in the meantime they’ve missed several years of their children’s childhood and their kids are just being further alienated from them.

If an RP sets their mind on something there’s v little that can be done to divert that course.

My 4yo DSD's mum has a totally different approach to parenting than me and her dad do. We have her 50%. There doesn't seem to be much routine or boundaries at mums whereas we have regular routines and boundaries at our house which DSD seems to thrive on. DSD is often left with her older brother so they tend to fend for themselves foodwise. We did have a spell where DSD would just sit and cry at dinner time if dinner wasn't a bowl of cereal but we didn't give in and now dinner times are no problem at all. The rule in our house is you don't have to eat all your dinner but don't come saying your hungry asking for snacks an hour later if you haven't.

DSD mum is high conflict and my DH has tried in the past to discuss parenting concerns but she's not interested. We're now at the point where she does what she wants on her time and vice versa. We're not particularly impressed by some of the stuff that goes on on her time but unless we feel DSD is in immediate danger we just keep out of it.

I think its a bit different if there's a RP and a NRP. I don't really think an EOW parent should be expecting the RP to do things in a particular way. If the NRP wanted to have more influence in their childs life they should have arranged to have more access. I know that's easier said than done sometimes.

I don't think we'll ever be able to co-parent and will continue to parallel parent. It's amazing how well kids adapt to different environments and rules. The same as there's different rules at school. Our parenting might be completely different from her mum's but she knows where she stands when she's at our house and she's happy. That's all we can do really.

I know loads of people who co-parent well but it requires both parents to put their own feelings aside and do what's best for the child.

@Laurdo What if the RP and the courts won't allow more access, with absolutely no good reason? We have just been through a horrific court case, numerous professionals making things up about DH and the court believes these professionals without questioning it. And then if the NRP does want to challenge these reports, they are threatened with losing access to their child or having it supervised.

Yeah the courts can be a joke sometimes and as much as people say they treat mothers and fathers more equally now that's definitely not the case. That's why I said it's easier said than done. I'm more talking about the parents who only want EOW then want to tell the RP how to do things.

My DH and his ex had to go to mediation after she withheld access for 2 months because she wanted to change their agreed schedule and DH didn't think it was in DSDs best interest. The ex got her own way after turning on the water works during mediation and despite spending most of the call being abusive to DH and discussing things unrelated to DSD. And despite the fact that she'd held her DD to ransom just to get her own way which was not in DSD best interests at all.

Their arrangement was week on week off, Sun-Sun and DSDs mum wanted to have her every Tuesday night on DHs week to take her to a dance class. DH felt this was disrupting DSDs routine and there was no reason why he couldn't take her to dancing on his week. She would just be settling into dad's then would be back at mum's again and DH would be losing time with his DD.

The mediator argeed to every Tuesday but DH now gets every Thursday. DSD was only 3 at the time and DH felt the new schedule was a lot of back and forth for her but mother dearest got her way. 🙄 The dance class lasted 6 months then she stopped taking her and regularly asks us just to keep her on the Tuesday now. We still take her every Thursday as we arranged a hobby on that day so we actually have her over 50% now.

I'm sorry you've had a rough time of it. It's disgusting how some parents use their kids as weapons and how courts can't ser through it.

I don't really think an EOW parent should be expecting the RP to do things in a particular way.

It goes beyond doing things in a particular way and extends to not being able to express an opinion at all. This further alienates parents from their kids and then it gets to the stage where it’s not possible to have any meaningful parenting input and you’re just a babysitter. Having the children more is then tricky because you have to go against your own beliefs and values and end up hostage to someone else’s poor parenting in your home.

My DH wanted 50:50 and was told he had to “prove himself” no meaningful examples given. But in reality was about maintenance.

Court was an option, but with a high conflict parent felt it would only sour relations and lead to more erratic behaviour which really unsettled DSC.

I think it's absolutely possible, as long as both parents are on the same page and have the same principles.

In our experience, RP (my Dhs ex) uses my DH (NRP) as a punishment tool. It's always "I'm allowing you this that or the other, you're so lucky with me because your dad wouldnt" or "go live with your dad then because he won't put up with it. You'd be straight back here". We're also the money house. I can't begin to count the times DSC has been directed to ask her dad to buy something because "he has loads of money". Which isn't true.

My dh isn't allowed to make any decisions either. When she went to uni my dh wasn't included in any of the applications, visits, organisation. His ex just used to text asking for money.

It would have been a lot nicer and a more positive experience had we been able to do it in a more united way.

@LyingDogsLie1
Yep, courts aren’t going to write in that DM isn’t to cosleep with DC or whatever it may be.

Keeping in mind a lot of families have travel, etc to take into account, 50/50 isn’t always possible logistically.

With the NRP then having to accept things, how does that work when they have younger children to consider too…do they cosleep with the eldest because mum does but tell “new” children no. Let older kids eat whatever they want but tell the youngest they’ll have what they’re given?

How does that make a young child feel?!

My DSD co-sleeps with her mum but sleeps in her own bed at ours. We've never had an issue with bedtime and she loves her own bed.

There's no reason why there can't be different boundaries and rules at each house. It might take a bit of work to lay those boundaries, even if they go against the other parent's, but it can be done.

My DSD has said things to me like "My mum let's me bla bla bla" and I respond with "Well that's up to your mum, I'm asking you to do bla bla bla". Or "well that's not the rule in this house". DSD just accepts that things are different in both her homes.

DSD is 4 and I think I've seen her have 2 tantrums in the 2 years I've known her. Whereas her mum has commented to DH about her behaviour and attitude being terrible and has even facetimed DH when DSD was having a meltdown over taking medicine. DH managed to calm her down, picked her up and got her to take her medicine.

Our hard work and perseverance in establishing boundaries has paid off in that we have a very happy, settled and well-behaved child when she's at ours whereas her mum's lack of boundaries and parenting has led to her having problems with her behaviour.

Regardless of whether a parent is resident or not they can still have their own rules ans boundaries for their child. Yes, that can be made more difficult by the other parent doing the opposite and yes there may be some resistance at first but you just have to stick to your guns if you feel that's what's best for the child.

With the NRP then having to accept things, how does that work when they have younger children to consider too…do they cosleep with the eldest because mum does but tell “new” children no. Let older kids eat whatever they want but tell the youngest they’ll have what they’re given?

This is a real problem in our house. I parent my own children totally different to RP. They aren’t allowed to sit on devices 24/7 (in fact the only time they are allowed at tablet is when DSS is here) they both go to bed and are left to fall asleep (not screaming they are well adjusted to this routine), we don’t have much ultra processed foods and we have a lot of outdoor/physical activity. I also insist on basic manners, age appropriate chores like returning a used plate to the kitchen and we don’t get new toys on demand, definitely not with the same frequency as DSS.

DSS comes glued to his tablet, eats processed food for every meal (I can’t remember the last time he ate a fruit or vegetable), DH Co-sleeps with him, she’s spoilt by PIL in particular and has new toys every visit.

The differences are apparent to my eldest (pre-schooler) who wants everything DSS has and finds the disruption really unsettling, his behaviour soon takes a turn when he’s jacked up with screens and junk food. I make allowances and allow a McDonalds, but no more than one in a week (DSS often eats them daily and if DH doesn’t deliver PIL will). I also find I’m having to unpick all those habits after DSS has left and often hear “I want what DSS has” I am constantly reining my DH in and reminding him I won’t allow the boundaries RP sets in my own home because I think they fall well below the minimum standards of what is acceptable. DH feels the environment will feel too hostile if we insist DSS fits into our household. So there’s compromise on both sides but it requires constant adjustment and review.

I do fear my children will resent the way the world turns upside down to accommodate DSS or, worse, resent me for not permissively parenting and indulging them in the same way.

DH suddenly changes as a parent when DSS arrives and is trying to run two parallel households.

This is more an issue with DH rather than the RP, PIL or your SS.

You can't control what the RP allows or what boundaries are in place in their house but your DH can put boundaries in place in his own home and with the PIL.

My DSD gets left with an ipad a lot at her mum's. She doesn't have one at ours and isn't allowed to bring hers with her. We do a lot of activities when she's here so she's never once complained about not having an ipad.

Your DC want what SS has because your DH has allowed his exs way of parenting to infiltrate his house. Or maybe that's just his way of parenting too.

@Laurdo yes that’s definitely an issue. But DH feels that DSS gets unsettled by the abrupt changes in approach and RP complains too that it unsettles DSS and his behaviour. There are murmurs school agree and DSS’ emotional well-being at his dads being bought into question with the impetus on continuity of structure and routine being best for DSS.

So it’s not quite as straightforward as DH laying the law in his house. He also has no control over PIL who maintain a relationship with RP more closely than him. That’s their choice. DH has asked them to put boundaries in place - they see DSS independently to DH and in many ways have more influence.

@LyingDogsLie1

Does your SS have ASD, because in that case it's different as those children tend to require a certain routine.

If not, then your DH can absolutely change things. It doesn't need to be all at once, but change one thing at a time.

Why is he taking any notice of what his ex thinks? Or the school. It's not them having to deal with the unfairness in the home between the children.

And why is it not ok to have you SS unsettled but it's ok to have you DC unsettled so SS can be pandered to?

With regards to the PIL, they can absolutely buy him what they want but why not tell them those toys have to go to mums?

@Laurdo he does have ASD which complicates things. Which is why there has to be an element of compromise in my home. His ASD clearly necessities some allowances but there’s also elements that have come about by parenting choices. Choices which are made for us. That’s where the difficulty lies. Change is more difficult but DH hasn’t had a say in how things are. It causes a lot of conflict.

PIL wouldn’t stick to that as there would be a fall out if DSS wasn’t allowed to bring his toys where he chose. That’s not a battle they’d be willing to have. I have had to address this and ask that my children get an equivalent gift or they have the battle so that they stay out of my kids sight.

That wouldn't be a problem if they had a good relationship with their child

'Prime example on this thread! Mum phones and demands child is fed something not suitable - the example given sausage and beans. Dad was made to go to the shops. Ridiculous.'

Hang on a minute. I didn't demand anything, or make anyone go to the shops. DS rang me because he was hungry and new woman wouldn't give him any food he liked. I rang ex to get his version of what was going on. Not unreasonable.

I offered to go and get ds if ex didn't want to deal with the issue or get into a disagreement with his new woman. Ex chose instead to give ds some food that he liked because he wanted a peaceful weekend with his ds.

And since when are sausages and beans "not suitable", containing plenty of fibre and protein. 🙄

You should’nt have got involved. When your son is with dad it’s up to him to deal with it, your response should have been it’s up to your dad. If my ex did this to me I would go mad regardless of who is RP, you just sound bitter about the new woman

I mean I'm a mum and I think you were a bit ridiculous here.

You have basically let your kid use you as weapon to dictate what goes down in dads house.

Dads the parent in his house. If your DS didn't want to eat dinner he was hardly going to starve and waste away.

It wasn't that he was offered gruel.

I wouldn't undermine my ex like that and my Dd sm was the other women (and I like her)

But then I don't want to create a child that behaves like that because one day they will turn into a fairly adult ....