Is coparenting even possible?

[Cocolocoo]

Coparenting, all parents have to do it.

Coparenting between separated parents, I’m beginning to think is a myth unless both parents have the same stance on how to parent.

It’s widely recognised that a parent can’t control what goes on in another parents home. What happens when one parent disagrees with someone the other wants to do regarding education, upbringing, etc….typically the RP gets their own way and it can cause major upset between the two parties.

For example, if a child has started being a fussy eater. RP panders to it cooking server also different meals until child eats something. NRP disagrees with this (as recommended by a professional consulted by both parents) and suggests RP take a different approach. RP says no and continues as before. NRP has to suck it up this being very limited as to what impact they can have on their own child’s life.

Other examples could be about attending school, etc, etc.

So…is coparenting ever possible or is it RPs rule?

I don’t agree that the RP’s choices get priority. Neither do the courts.

The NRP is entitled to make parental choices whether the RP likes or not. She isn’t senior parent just because she gets more time with the children.

I say that as an RP. I get much more time with DS but his dad is as much his parent as I am. I know he’d love more time with DS but the contact arrangements are to best suit DS’s needs. I don’t get to decide that my child rearing preferences trump his. That is the thing about having children with someone. You are taking on responsibility for parenting with them whatever happens.

thar might be parallel parenting of the live and let live kind. But you have to be willing to accept that your child’s father will make parental decisions that you don’t agree with. If it’s not illegal or abusive, you just have to accept it.

Even if they’re lazy fuckers who do nothing useful. They still have equal parental responsibility to you.

@hryllilegur . I agree that largely you should "let" (although they don't need your permission) the NRP parent as they choose, but I thought the OP was talking more about choices the RP makes in their own home that then have repercussions in the NRP's home (for instance, co-sleeping, which might make bedtime harder for the NRP).

One parent alone can’t make a child fussy.

Not to nitpick, but of course they can! Especially if they have them all the time.

Or most of the time, rather.

Yes and especially if said child can phone Mum when they’re not happy with the offerings. Prime example on this thread! Mum phones and demands child is fed something not suitable - the example given sausage and beans. Dad was made to go to the shops. Ridiculous.

But why is your judgement of what’s best for the child superior? It’s really easy to judge when you’re having minimal input and leaving most of the parenting to someone else. If it’s a safety issue get social services involved. If it’s a big thing like changing school there are processes that can be followed. If medial advice isn’t being followed again get social services involved. For day to day care no you don’t get to dictate parenting style. So very easy to judge from afar. In your example I’d say co-sleeping is detrimental to the dad not the child. It wouldn’t be for me but there’s plenty of evidence that it benefits young children. The other parent may be coping with a distressed anxious child night after night whilst dad is safely tucked up in the bed of his choosing

It's hard.

My ex will text me accusing me of being a neglectful shit mother if I...

1. Don't buy a certain type of milk

2. Don't buy bottled water

3. Make her sleep in her own bed

4. Don't buy branded clothes for her

5. Refuse anything where he's asking me to do something that cost money

Etc.

As for how he knows I don't do these things? He will simply ask our child if mummy bought X milk, if I gave her tap water etc.

If I say I'm not buying it because it's a waste of money, he will then offer to give me money specifically to buy these things, and if I refuse out of principle because I see it as him trying to exert control and be invasive, then I get accused of all sorts again. I try to tell him that if he paid me a set amount each month he couldn't demand to know how I spent it anyway.

Just recently he said he wanted to spend £200 on her Xmas presents himself, so therefore he said I also had to spend £200 to be fair. I said no, it's none or his business how much I spend, he spends what he wants and I spend what I want... He kicked off calling me stingy and asking what I spent my money on and saying I'm shit and she deserves a better mother.

If our daughter gets sick... Well, it must be my fault for giving her "shit dinners" (I don't) or for not blow-drying her hair after a shower (she's 6!?), or for making her overtired, or making her go on public transport....

This is the type of man who would berate and insult me as a parent for buying supermarket brand oven chips instead of McCain.

He doesn't seem to understand that none of the above actually make someone a shit parent, or that different ways of parenting are acceptable. He keeps threatening to take me to court. He wouldn't get anywhere because he doesn't have accomodation (sofa surfing at a mates)... But he thinks it will make me "fix up". I explain to him that there's no way a court will care that I refuse to buy bottled water or branded clothes just because my ex says I should... I don't know if he's just thick or what.

I know him very well. He's the type who if we had 50/50, would sign DD up for swimming lessons at 2pm every Saturday (even if there are other times and days available!), when I've moved on and have a new husband and second child. If I said well this now means that we can't do anything as a family every single Saturday and that's not going to work for us, then I'd be told I'm neglectful and putting my other child and my husband before our child and so our child has to lose out because I'm a slag. Same goes for not having as much money now I have a new baby - shouldn't have had a new baby if it meant our child would get less because she should get whatever she wants apparently.

"I just want the best for my daughter, why don't you want that too? What kind of mother are you?"

Have you ever tried to speak to social services? The threshold for them getting involved is so high. My DH has had real concerns and when he’s spoken to social services been asked “is the child in immediate danger” to which is the answer is yes they’re told to ring the police. Social services policy seems to be to act after the event.

Ex also thinks he should be able to dictate routines to me, e.g. dinner should be by X time, then bath at X time, and in bed for X time, and if I don't always do it that way then I'm WRONG and ruining our daughter's life

@VexMex read “Goodbye to crazy” you need some firm boundaries - that man is just controlling.

Co parenting is a choice many choose not to take when deciding to become a parent. If you want to solo parent you can

So, the NRP should have zero say in how their child is raised a majority of the time…?

Regarding the cosleeping, there have been threads on here whereby the child is screaming for RP when with NRP because they cosleep together. Surely it would be better for the child not to cosleep anywhere so they can enjoy time with both parents?

(A side note but there are articles that state cosleeping can stunt emotional development)

I think this is shocking. Your ex should be able to feed his child what he wants when he is in his house regardless of whether you agree or not. I don’t believe you should have got involved, you should have said it’s up to dad what you eat in his house and not even suggested picking up your son, clear absolutely superior parenting this.

you probably only co-parent well because your ex doesn’t bring stuff up in case you threaten to collect the kid if he does something you disagree with.

and sounds like the new woman is now part of their lives and making meals for them, whether you like it or not she has a role to play in that household and with your child

@Cocolocoo I mean this is the problem imo. You cannot control what happens in the other house and what it be mum or dad house the same rules apply.

In my experience it is literally about studiously staring at your hands when children compare houses and just in this house we do x. But that had to be a discussion with the adults of that house to come to a mural agreement.

Whether co sleeping is ok or whether it's not is kinda beside the point. At the end of the day the parent of the house sets the rules of the house either subtly or overtly. Better for the adults of that house (be mums or dads) be in agreement and set the house rules. If one parties feels passionately about the outcome they have to decide if they want to stay under those terms the partner sets or walk away. Any ultimate bad choices will be in the end the result of the parenting the parents gave, and not a reflection on the sp. So sometimes it really is a matter of care less or walk. It's just a matter of choice really would you rather...

It’s sad that an NRP has to care less though and have minimal input into DC life…sort of makes them not much more than a glorified babysitter. No?

Another example would be if one parent believed in vaccinations and another didn’t…

If NRP wants plenty of input in dc's lives then they need to do 50% of the parenting and commit to living near their ex so that 50/50 can happen. That way they can ensure that their child is growing up with the NRP's values as well.

It works both ways.
It's sad that RP have to try not to care what happens/doesn't happen at the other parent's house when they try and instill basic routines and expectations on a day to day basis. For example if NRP doesn't do teeth brushing then RP has to suck it up because there's no repercussions unless dc has dental issues as a result.

Yes, that's definitely how it feels here.

I don't think you can really get around it, as people have said you can't force the RP to do things the NRP's way if they don't agree and their way will inevitably be the dominant one. But equally I don't think RP's can really be as surprised and outraged as they often are if the connection between NRP and child is somewhat strained.

@PeekAtYou
It’a quite idealistic to think a court, RP, etc would bestow 50/50 on parents. Some RPs move hours away, some courts don’t like it as DC don’t have a main base.

It’s quite a flippant and unrealistic comment posters keep batting about.

@Cocolocoo I think it is sad. I have to say with my ex in the early years it was hard hard to bite my tongue and do what was best for my Dd (which was making sure we tried as best we can and still do) to come to compromise and support each other on decisions. And I could have according to some of my friends have cut him out of the important decisions out of upset (bad breakup) but ultimately it wasn't what was best for my Dd.

It was hard, I got it wrong more times than I would like but ultimately my child shouldn't suffer because our relationship failed.

Regarding the cosleeping, there have been threads on here whereby the child is screaming for RP when with NRP because they cosleep together. Surely it would be better for the child not to cosleep anywhere so they can enjoy time with both parents?

It's not as simple as that. There may be the odd exception, but parents with children who are good sleepers don't tend to co-sleep ime. Many parents co-sleep because that's how everyone gets enough sleep to survive. The alternative isn't a child who goes off to bed happily by themselves, it's a child who lies awake for ages or needs a parent to sit beside them or lie on the hard bedroom floor for ages until the child falls asleep. Co-sleeping is often the least painful alternative. If you have a child who needs a certain level of emotional comfort at night and you're not willing to provide it as a parent, maybe the best solution is to agree to pause overnight stays for a bit until the child becomes more secure and grows out of needing the comfort that you're unwilling to provide.

@Sleepless1096
but it might not be the NRP won’t provide that comfort, it’s because they can’t because they’re not the RP.

Pause overnight visits until when though…I don’t think that would hold up in court, sleep being prioritised over relationship with NRP

This is a different topic entirely but I do believe that sleeping habits can be learnt/broken rather than cosleeping until who knows when (I’ve known 18yo boys still needing to sleep with mum). That’s another thread though.

My DS rides on his uncle's quad bike sometimes but they have a farm and he helps with feeding the sheep etc. It's possible to ride a quad safely.

Yes OP very common for 18 year old men to need to co-sleep with their mum. I presume the entire thread is just a wind up then!

@BungleandGeorge
not at all…as I mentioned, it’s off topic.

it was originally mentioned as an example of RP ruling