Is coparenting even possible?

[Cocolocoo]

Coparenting, all parents have to do it.

Coparenting between separated parents, I’m beginning to think is a myth unless both parents have the same stance on how to parent.

It’s widely recognised that a parent can’t control what goes on in another parents home. What happens when one parent disagrees with someone the other wants to do regarding education, upbringing, etc….typically the RP gets their own way and it can cause major upset between the two parties.

For example, if a child has started being a fussy eater. RP panders to it cooking server also different meals until child eats something. NRP disagrees with this (as recommended by a professional consulted by both parents) and suggests RP take a different approach. RP says no and continues as before. NRP has to suck it up this being very limited as to what impact they can have on their own child’s life.

Other examples could be about attending school, etc, etc.

So…is coparenting ever possible or is it RPs rule?

@Sleepless1096
a court aren’t going to switch RP because of parenting differences.

This is about parenting and if different styles of parent can do so amicably.

Your post seems to suggest, as I thought, they can’t. It’s the RP that gets the say in the matter

My partner was horrified at how his ex was raising their child so he went to court and got a 50/50 arrangement. Examples include his child turning up sleep deprived/exhausted every single time, alienation, not sharing important medical treatments. I could go on and on.
He parallel parented for years just doing his best when he had his child. Now there’s the odd shoot of actual co-parenting starting but it’s pretty surface level. Ie it looks like coparenting as long as all decisions made are the one’s mum would have made anyway.
It’s tough when there’s bad communication and feeling between the parents and sad when one or both parents put their agenda over the needs of the children.

A court will switch RP if the parenting differences are resulting in a serious problem for the children.

Giving a child a different diet in each household isn't a serious problem.

I mean, I agree with you. I think the RP does get the say because children are creatures of routine and the RP creates the routine.

But the compromises you have to make if you are parenting a child EOW are surely easier to make than if you're parenting them the rest of the time, doing the school run, responsible for activities/extra-curricular/appointments/wraparound care and also trying to do your paid job at the same time.

Not separated (though we're heading that way) but I do practically everything DC-related - school run, activities, clubs, organising playdates, wraparound care, holiday camps, housework/laundry, cooking, bathtime/bedtime etc. If their father tried to lay down the law on how I parent them, honestly I'd have a hard time not throwing something at him. And yes, my parenting is imperfect - I bribe, I cook beige food too often, I let DC away with too much, we could probably do to cut down on some of the treats. And DC are mostly sleeping in my bed at the moment since having scarlet fever before Christmas. But it's often a question of just surviving the week, everyone fed, no one dead.

If their father chose to set different standards in his own home (a choice which may soon be actual rather than theoretical), then that would be up to him but he'd have to deal with the disruption of implementing them. And he might decide it was easier just to let the 5yo sleep in his bed.

I think that most separated parents parallel parent. It's easiest for the adults and if the kids are school aged or above then they are used to different rules in different places.
For example my ds is expected to clear up after him self and do some chores at my house but his father does everything for him at his. Ex is not a bad father but lack of contact (his choice) means that he thinks of ds in the very short term (classic Disney Dad) where as I'm mindful of the fact that he could be at uni in under 2 years so needs to be able to do some household chores.

FWIW I had to cosleep with my children just after their dad left because it was the easiest thing to do and we needed to sleep because of work or school the next day. They didn't cosleep with dad because their relationship with him is different and he is not as child centric as I can be (he has a partner). They all went back to their own rooms when they were ready but falling asleep after their dad left was a major issue and I have no regrets taking the child centric approach. If he had told me to stop because it was make his life easier then I would have been livid. Sleeping in the same room was easier for me because I don't have a partner but if I was in that situation then I'd do it again because I know now that it was the right thing to do. Our kids are happy and confident. There are adults on here who don't like sleeping alone and they were kids who needed reassurance at night which is a weird time of day for many humans.

@Sleepless1096
ahh, your situation with DH is different. He’s choosing not to have an input, a lot of NRP would like an input but aren’t able to have one.

@PeekAtYou
were they upset about not cosleeping at dads though or did they understand the two different rules and two different houses?

This thread raises an interesting question that I have yet to deal with. DS is now a very young teen. At Xmas his df offered him alcohol, wine and beer. Ds refused it because he is a fairly cautious child.

But how do I react? Ex didn't do anything illegal, parents are allowed to offer a glass of wine with a meal to a teen in their own home. But I'm not thrilled about ex encouraging ds to drink alcohol before he's ready.

I haven't said anything, partly because I was about the same age when I had my first drink and it had no ill effects, and partly because ds wasn't interested and refused it.

I'd like to agree a joint policy on alcohol but I know ex regards it as 'being one of the boys' to drink too much.

What do others think?

I think it's a false dichotomy - interested NRP versus uninterested RP. Disinterest in parenting is a causal factor in many relationship breakdowns and therefore creates NRPs.

Many formerly uninterested parents seem to take more of an interest after separation/divorce - either because the RP is no longer around to do everything or as a means to exercise control over the other parent.

Agreed

In lots of cases, you only get parallel parenting. Co-parenting requires alignment and agreement. Parallel parenting (in theory) means each parent does their thing on their time.

The complicating factor is that the RP can often have more influence on the child’s behaviour and expectations. And, as the first response on this thread indicates, will start intervening when they aren’t happy (a child phoning to complain they didn’t like the dinner their SM cooked). So what you get is the ‘everyone must do things my [the RP’s] way’ model of post-divorce co-parenting.

They never told me that they were upset that they couldn't cosleep at dad's. It's possible that they were awake a lot of the night on devices or they may have been trying to spare dad's feelings. One of them felt really sorry for him even though they knew that he chose to leave.

When he left they were all primary school or older so knew that mum and dad had different parenting styles. They never moaned that dad didn't make them do things like I did eg tidy up

Children adapt my youngest eats food at school he will reject here he also does things at home he refuses too do anywhere else

His father just isn't interested he tells everyone I stop him from parenting the children but refuses to actually do PARENTING I begged him for help requested he take the eldest overnight just ONCE because he was literally smashing my house to pieces he refused he demanded packed lunches for them because he was doing me a favour watching them while I worked there is this belief that all parents want to be involved in their children's lives in my experience they don't until they are older and easier to deal with

@PeekAtYou
what would you have done if they had or if they were crying for you at night because of it?

would you have stopped sleeping with them?

@Theunamedcat

he was literally smashing my house to pieces

His behaviour must be pretty problematic? There’s obviously more to this than Co-parenting alone.

I think honestly co parenting works when both parents have base rules of behaviour for both houses aka Don't go randomly hurting animals and studiously ignore anything else.

The other stuff can be hard (food is always contentious issue in houses) but you really do have to make a art form of ignoring what goes down in the other house and explain in this house we do y. Unless obviously the children are being fed rat poison.

I am consistently try to be completely unconcerned with how my ex parents because I have to rely on the fact he was a decent enough person for me to have a kid with, then I have to assume he's still a decent enough person to make rules for his own house.

Honestly it's the art of looking at your own hands when your told your a "mean mummy for insisting your toddler goes to bed at 8pm as daddy lets her stay up late" and going that's nice dear but in this house it's now bedtime. And following through.

And not showing any sign of pissed offness at your ex for making a Disney dad decision that will come back to bite him in the arse. He also recently asked me how I get my Dd to bed at 8pm as she won't go at his and he knows she goes no right now at mine 🙄 and only internally rolling my eyes at him for the irony of him asking me.

It always comes back full circle. Children won't always think I'm a mean person for a bedtime when they are adults they will get it. For now I'm happy with my meanie crown. Lol 😂

The reason most people split up is because the spouse is a lazy stupid bastard so why would that change after separation? I've coparented successfully with my step kids mum but unsuccessfully with my own kids dad. Its not a sex thing, some women are just as bad.

Ex and I Co parent fairly successfully (I think). I ask his opinion on any main/big decisions (schools, holiday activities etc) but he doesn't tend to bother to disagree strongly with minor things. He always feeds them fairly basic junky food because he likes an easy life but they are only there 2 nights a week so I don't mind too much. The only real issues were around his wife being difficult, especially at the start of the new set up but she doesn't get involved in our co-parenting any more. I have maintained contact with his family for the DC benefit, which means he doesn't have to, so I take them to see his mum etc. My DC seem happy and settled and enjoy their time equally at both houses. They seem to understand that what happens at mum's isn't always exactly replicated at Dad's and they cope fine with that. Although I'm sure one stable nuclear family would be the ideal I think they are particularly easy going kids and can fit in with changes to routine easily because of our set up.

And on the co sleeping thing. DS was always a great little sleeper from Day 1 but when I converted his cot into a toddler bed he started getting up in the night and getting in my bed - every single night and sleeping in with me. I didn't mind really and it went on for a few years but I never encouraged it and he always went to sleep in his own bed initially. He never once did it at his dad's house but always slept fine there as well.

According to responses on this board any parent who wants 50:50 can automatically get it just by asking so if the parent wants more influence, they should be more involved in raising their child. Seeing them a few days a month isn't going to have much influence because it is such minimal contact and it would be too difficult for the child to change things around just for a few days a month.

I don’t think the whole RP/NRP thing is great as it implies a hierarchy, however here in Aus the presumption of equal parental responsibility is possibly going to change because too many intransigent people think it means 50:50 time, rather than the 50:50 responsibility that was intended. Here both parents are supposed to have input into the main decisions such as where kids live, where they go to school, health and religion whereas the day to day decisions around things like food and bedtime lie with whoever they are with. Generally in my job (15 years as a family mediator/child consultant with a background in law and psychology) I can say yes, it is possible to co-parent well but you really do need to look at every situation with a view to “what is best for the children” which can be hard sometimes. And never underestimate physical proximity, the happiest kids I met were able to move between two houses which they viewed equally as homes. The main message from every kid I have ever met from 5-18 has been “don’t make me choose between you”. Amicable co-parenting arrangements often fall down with the arrival or new partners and new kids. I always say that I don’t meet bad people but boy do I meet people behaving badly!

As a coparent I’d agree that you can’t control what goes on in the others house but it’s not very different to when we were together and looking after kids but the other out or at work etc
or like when kids go to day care or stay at grandparents, or at school.
kids seem pretty adaptable and understand different ideas about acceptability of stuff in different situations.
Mine would try food at school they wouldn’t at home which was kind of handy.
Their Dad has a different set of standard meals to me, it works fine and means they have a greater not smaller range of meals.
One parent alone can’t make a child fussy.
Maybe think about whether the child has any sensory processing needs & in which case be kind and empathetic rather than making a big deal of meals.

So my eldest dad is NRP to him and we have settled into a really good rhythm of co parenting. But I do understand your concerns because of one example. Quad bikes. Ex lives on a croft where quad bike use is commonplace whereas I see them as death traps that ds (9) should never be allowed on. And despite their horrendous safety record- it wouldn't actually be illegal for him to use one on private land. It defo causes friction between use and spoils the otherwise healthy balance we have. He thinks I'm being overprotective, I think he's being a risky selfish idiot. And even though Imake ds promise not to go on one I'm pretty sure he does because he likes to impress his dad. If anyone has a solution I'd be grateful lol

I think people are generally saying that both parents have to put the children first.

BUT what happens when parents can’t agree what is best for the children?

The cosleeping, schooling, etc being prime examples

Then the RP's approach has to "trump" (for want of a better word) the NRP's wishes, especially if the NRP is an EOW parent. It's absurd to think that someone who only has their child 2/14 days and the occasional holiday should be able to set their routine... they're not the one who has to make it work most of the time and balance the kids with work!

50/50 parenting and it's clearly more difficult... you'd ideally have a good coparenting relationship and would hopefully agree on most important matters (or agree to disagree and do what you want in your own house) or you'd presumably be ending up in court quite a lot.

But no, it's not the responsibility of the RP to live their life to make things easier for the NRP.