DH accusing me of not caring enough about SDs birthday

[CheeseNStuff]

He's been driving me crazy with this for a while. It's me, DH, DSD11 and DS2.

Ever since our son was born he has been extremely sensitive to his daughter and my involvement/feelings toward her. Whilst I understand it, it's very wearing.

The latest is me apparently not caring enough about DSDs birthday.

It just so happens that both DC have birthdays close together, 2 weeks apart.

This year I have planned for our son's 3rd birthday a party with family and his friends from nursery. Admittedly I've spent a bit on it but it's all my own money, I've not asked him for anything other than half of DS's birthday present.

Anyway, I was talking about something to do with the party last night and it all came out that he's annoyed because I don't seem to care enough that it's DSDs birthday too near the same time (coming up soon). He's got her something quite expensive (£300) and he asked me what I'd gotten her. I haven't actually gotten her anything for her birthday but I never usually do as DH buys it and says it's from us. Same at Christmas, I tend to just buy her something small and DH buys the main present for her.

As far as I know DSD isn't having a party this year but even if so, I'm not sure what that's down to me to discuss and plan anyway. Her mum has always been the one in the past to sort that stuff out and that's fine. I don't think she's had an actual party now for some time. More just like a couple of mates for a sleepover at her mum's type things.

The issue this year appears to be because I've done a lot for DS's birthday and I guess it's shown him up for not really doing much for DSDs? Imo though they are completely different ages, she doesn't need a big party and all the rest, she's been through those years herself of the soft play parties with the cake and everything.

It seems he's annoyed that I've not really mentioned or planned anything for DSD but have for DS. Surely this is normal though? DS is my son, DSD as much as we have a good relationship, has her own mum and dad who arrange her birthdays.

He's just being ridiculous imo.

To clarify I have never bought her a separate present from her dad on her birthday ever. Even since before DS was born. I have always really just left it to him to sort her birthday present out and when she was an age for parties, sorting those out with her mum. I've had basically no involvement with her birthday or prep for it since we met other than celebrating it when it came of course.

It only seems to be an issue now because I'm obviously prepping our son's.

If he wanted to throw her a party then he could perhaps organise one himself or even communicate to you that he would like some help in this regard. He can also give you money to organise a party. As much as it would be fab if you did it on your own it would depend on boundaries. What is her and her mothers opinion?
it is tricky when being a step parent esp a step mom, they seem to get flack either way.
there is nothing stopping your husband from organising a party but himself.

Why is it your responsibility? She has two parents to sort a party if she'd like one.

I don't think it's your place to organise her a party? (With her dad not involved, as it all coming from you) Not sure her mum would appreciate it? Would be very strange imo

The thing is I honestly don't think she wants a party anyway, she's not said anything about one and as I say in all previous years it's been her mum who's sorted that stuff out with perhaps a financial contribution from DH.

I think it's just because I seem more "bothered" about DS's birthday.

I think he wants me to be as interested I guess? Does that make sense? Like I've not really asked what's happening for DSDs and, according to him, because I haven't got her a present... (Which I never do?!).

He's being an arse. Especially about asking what you have bought for her when that has never happened before. That's really PA.

If you have a 2yo then you've spent the last three years pregant and running around after a tot. Hardly surprising your focus is not 100% on DSD, not that it ever needed to be, as she has two parents.

What do you think this is really about? Is he feeling guilty because he doesn't see her enough/do enough for her? It can't just be about a birthday party.

At 11 I imagine she is doing an activity/movie with a small group of friends. Imagine if you had tried to organise a party for her - her mum and your DH would have almost certainly told you to back off!

Is his behaviour a one-off or part of a trend?

It's not your responsibility. Have you flipped it and asked him why he hasn't planned anything for either of his children?

He has done as little for DS as he has for DSD by the sound of it. As DS Mum you've picked up the slack there. DSD isn't your responsibility.

That said I would buy her a gift.

I think it's just because I seem more "bothered" about DS's birthday.

Well, yes - given he’s your child and he’s only 2….. DSD will presumable be getting fuss and presents from her mum as well. Your DH is being ridiculous.

@CheeseNStuff he does have a point though. He’s been deluding himself that you love his daughter the way he does. Now you have your own child he can see there is a gulf of a difference between the two. This is probably heightened by you spending money on a party for a child who won’t remember it even the week after. An expensive party is actually much more fitting for an older child. It’s not your duty to arrange your step daughter’s party but by the sound of it you haven’t even asked him a question about her plans, which is very odd as their birthdays are close together.

you haven’t even asked him a question about her plans, which is very odd as their birthdays are close together.

This isn't new though really, I've never been involved in prepping or planning her birthday and honestly neither has he really apart from getting her a present and maybe contributing to whatever her mum has planned in years gone by.

I appreciate not everyone sees the need (for want of a better word) to throw a young child a birthday party but DSD has had them when she was young arranged by her mum, I don't see why I can't do the same if I want to unless I also do the same for DSD who's own mum usually takes the lead on her birthday as I'm doing for DS.

I think I could understand it a bit more if I'd always been involved in her birthday then suddenly stopped when DS was born but I'm doing nothing different than I always have.

It’s because he sees party planning as womens work.

so he feels bad his son is having one and not his daughter - but as it’s womens work it’s not a problem for him to solve.

YANBU. I've never got involved in my SDs birthdays. That's for their parents to do.

That said I would buy her a gift

I've never done this. She gets a fortune spent on her between both her parents, I've never seen the need for something separate (he's always just said this is from Dad and Cheese kind of thing).

As PP said, it's a passive aggressive dig to "prove" I don't care as much.

Well I can see his pov even if it's irrational, your excitement about your own child has highlighted your lack of interest in his DD.

Yes the child has two parents, yes it's not your job to organise a party but could you maybe take some interest in it all? How is DSD coping with the blended family? Perhaps she would really benefit from having a family day with you all that was about her. Not a party but a cinema date and a meal out or something to make her feel special.

I think you’re right that it’s shown it up that he hasn’t done anything and why should it fall to you anyway?
With DSD we always did a family day out separately to what her mum organised which would be something with her friends often and since we had our own DC that’s continued and although I might ask DH which weekend we’re doing it I don’t really get involved in planning it whereas I do plan my own DCs birthdays. Also since my DSD turned 11-12 she would tell us what she wanted to do for her birthday

You've hit the nail on the head here.

Not a step parent but I don’t think you’re unreasonable. Little dc tend to get the big party. Older dc get the expensive electronic gift in my family. In your shoes I’d get a token gift and leave the big stuff to the parents.

I think you’ve interpreted this perfectly. He’s lashing out at you for his own short comings. Explain to him that his step daughter, whilst very dear to you, is not your daughter - it’s his daughter. This child has their own mother and my suggestion would be that he liaises with her in regard to gifts and celebrations.

It’s different now, though.

Because your DSD can see that you are setting things up for you DS, on behalf of you and her Dad, and your DH is probably suddenly worried about that.

You are comparing the celebration of DSD’s birthday with ‘how it’s always been done’, (low involvement from you) he is now seeing a new comparison with how you celebrate DS’s birthday.

Can’t you and he ask her what she’d like to do? A day out or pizza with a friend for example? Why can’t a 12 year old have a cake even if they don’t have a party? Yes your DH can organise this but you can show interest in celebrating her birthday, surely?

Of course he is being ridiculous. He may be struggling with the reality that you are much more invested and involved with your own child but this is an unreasonable expectation of his, this shouldn't be a surprise to him or a source of sadness. I think you need to address this issue with him because it will always drive a wedge between you until he comes to terms with the basic fact that as much as you might like your SD, your level of investment will never be anywhere close to a parents and that is normal and to be expected.

Edinburghmusing has it. He thinks It’s women’s work - he just likes the credit.

He wants both kids treated the same as long as he hasn’t got to do the work. So he doesn’t bother organising his daughter or his sons party and moans that you haven’t done it! In fact he hasn’t even contributed to his sons party. Maybe if he had he wouldn’t want to pay for two!

Can you imagine if you had contacted SD classmates/ classmates parents and organised a party? Tell lazybones to sort both out next year.

Does DSD remember the fuss made on her birthday when she was 3? No I doubt it, but I bet her mum still went all out to make it special!

I hate these comments about a stepmum’s children and how their fun experiences and their whole childhood in general should be toned down just to appease the first family.

Just to clarify further re the cake, she does always have a cake at our house too. But it's a shop bought one usually whereas I have had DS one made by a cake maker this year which was obviously pricer. Again though, DSD has had all that before at her own parties when she was younger and I doubt she's even fussed (she'll be 12 soon).