DH accusing me of not caring enough about SDs birthday

[CheeseNStuff]

He's been driving me crazy with this for a while. It's me, DH, DSD11 and DS2.

Ever since our son was born he has been extremely sensitive to his daughter and my involvement/feelings toward her. Whilst I understand it, it's very wearing.

The latest is me apparently not caring enough about DSDs birthday.

It just so happens that both DC have birthdays close together, 2 weeks apart.

This year I have planned for our son's 3rd birthday a party with family and his friends from nursery. Admittedly I've spent a bit on it but it's all my own money, I've not asked him for anything other than half of DS's birthday present.

Anyway, I was talking about something to do with the party last night and it all came out that he's annoyed because I don't seem to care enough that it's DSDs birthday too near the same time (coming up soon). He's got her something quite expensive (£300) and he asked me what I'd gotten her. I haven't actually gotten her anything for her birthday but I never usually do as DH buys it and says it's from us. Same at Christmas, I tend to just buy her something small and DH buys the main present for her.

As far as I know DSD isn't having a party this year but even if so, I'm not sure what that's down to me to discuss and plan anyway. Her mum has always been the one in the past to sort that stuff out and that's fine. I don't think she's had an actual party now for some time. More just like a couple of mates for a sleepover at her mum's type things.

The issue this year appears to be because I've done a lot for DS's birthday and I guess it's shown him up for not really doing much for DSDs? Imo though they are completely different ages, she doesn't need a big party and all the rest, she's been through those years herself of the soft play parties with the cake and everything.

It seems he's annoyed that I've not really mentioned or planned anything for DSD but have for DS. Surely this is normal though? DS is my son, DSD as much as we have a good relationship, has her own mum and dad who arrange her birthdays.

He's just being ridiculous imo.

You are not DSD's mum. She has a mum and a dad who are quite capable of organising a party. He is being unfair .

You can’t force people to have feelings they don’t have. Although many step parents like to tell others how they feel exactly the same about their step children as they do their bio children I doubt very much that’s the case. I also think
admitting that is a healthy thing to do.

So his expectations of what you should do for his daughter, far exceed what he does for his son. He is a bit of a dick, and a sexist one at that. If you do what you have always done for your sdd he really has no reason to complain.

He treats them equally by being equally uninterested/uninvolved in their birthdays though!

The division of labour is totally fair in this family, both children are being treated equally.
One parent is organising one child's birthday, one parent is organising the other.

It's not the fault of the parent who's doing a good job, that the other parent can't be bothered.

He's had a 3 year old before, you haven't. Ofcourse you want to plan and celebrate birthdays. Your DC is at a good age for throwing parties etc. My dc haven't wanted parties since around your DSC age. Your DH needs to get a grip. It's not a competition between the two children. Your DSC has two parents and your DC has two parents. DSC doesn't need 3 adults involvement over a birthday, those two can throw a party if it's such an issue. So long as they're treated fair in general, I'm sure DSC will understand why a little one gets a party and a fuss.

Why don't you tell him that you're happy to take more of an interest and you're keen to hear all the things he has planned for his daughter so you can join in with the excitement about it with him? Oh, hang on; he can't tell you about the plans he's made because he's done fuck all.

Aside from purchasing one gift, and splitting the cost for his son's he's done bugger all party-planning for either of his children. He now wants you to do the wife work for a child that isn't yours and is pissed off that you're not.

If he wants his daughter to have a party, he can organise her a party. This really isn't your problem to resolve.

Organizing a substantial birthday party is Mum's territory. Imagine the ear-bashing from his ex he would get if you tried to host anything more than a nice meal with your parents/nephews, nieces for DSD. I remember a post where a distraught Mum talked about the SM taking her daughter shopping for her prom dress....

Best out of it, honestly. But no harm in organizing a little meal with your family if she is up for it.

Thanks. I got the sense it's not really about the party itself. More just that I am seemingly not interested that it's her birthday as I haven't brought it up much (his words).

I’d be tempted to point out the obvious to him. Your child’s birthday is not the same as his child’s birthday.

A key reason for this is that your child’s birthday is the day your child was born. You gave birth to that child on that day. It’s special for the child and also for you. It’s the day you became a mother. It’s of huge significance to you personally and your relationship with your child.

His child’s birthday is just her birthday from your perspective. It’s no more special
than anyone else’s birthday. it is, however, of special significance to her parents (and her mother in important ways).

So the pertinent questions are:

• why is he doing so little about either of his children’s birthdays?
• Why is he trying to prevent you from celebrating something of such great personal significance to you and your child?
• indeed, why is he making this all a SC issue rather than getting involved in organising the event that celebrates his son’s birthday with you?

The answer is probably that it’s deflection. He doesn’t like the inequality he perceives when he sees and in able to benefit from the efforts of one mother (while not getting the same from his ex). Rather than stepping up and organising something for his daughter (ideally stepping up for both children), he’s choosing to criticise and limit what you can do.

Regardless of their birthdays being close together I can't get my head round how disengaged you are about it. I ask my friends about their child's birthday when they are coming up. Because it shows I care about the important things in their lives. Have you honestly shown no interest in her birthday ever? No general chitchat?

Have you told him how upset you are at how little he has done for his son’s birthday?

I don't bring up conversation much about her birthday no. I may ask what he's planning on getting her and reply with oh she'll like that yes or something but I don't go into detail about what the plans are or what she's doing for it. I am usually told by him if she's having some sort of party / sleepover or whatever.

I would try to put yourselves in his shoes and honestly see how you would feel. Imagine if the 11 year old was your child and your husband was the step dad and you had a 2 year old together.

If you saw your husband spending a lot of time and effort organising a 3rd birthday party for ‘his’ child when your daughter’s birthday was around the same time how would you feel? If he basically ignored your biological daughter’s birthday but fussed over his own child? I’m not saying you’re unreasonable but I don’t think he is either.

Maybe you didn’t used to make an effort but perhaps now you’ll have your own child you could. Why not some cupcakes from the same cake maker (they won’t cost as much as a celebration cake) and an outing either as a family or for her and a few friends?

Conversation and interest in things important to him cost nothing and could go a long way.

To be honest I'm not massively upset by that. I'm not bothered that he hasn't planned any of DS's party. He never really planned any of DSD's so I knew he wouldn't be super involved in that way with DS.

My annoyance is that he seems to have a problem with me making a fuss about DS birthday because I'm not making fuss about his daughter's.

It was more to make the post that he’s upset about something that he is also doing - for both his children

If you saw your husband spending a lot of time and effort organising a 3rd birthday party for ‘his’ child when your daughter’s birthday was around the same time how would you feel?

I just don't know how he can say anything when he hasn't done anything either. If he was planning something and I was refusing to help or discuss it with him fair enough. But to not do anything yourself but then have a go at me because I'm not doing it either... He has a pair of hands and a brain! If it's that important he can sort something and I will support. But I just think the whole argument is so hypocritical to the point it's stupid and I don't have time for it.

Yes I see that. I'll mention it. Maybe I should ask him what he's gone out of his way to buy for his son or arrange for his birthday.

It would help a lot of people to be less 'im alright you're wrong' and more curious about what people are saying. It's highlighted to him you are not interested in his kid. No one is asking you to throw her parties. There are other ways to show care and interest.

I understand that but surely it's extremely hypocritical of him when I'm doing no less than he is really (and he's doing nothing for his son either).

It's a trend, PP asked and it is. Everything is about his daughter and how she might feel and whilst I understand he's concerned it's also very frustrating because he expects me to do things for her that he's not even doing himself simply because I do them for DS.

Make a little effort yourself and I may be more open to the criticism you know?

I don't think it's your responsibility to organise a birthday party for your SD but I do find it sad that you don't seem bothered with her.

Are you interested in her as an individual or do you simply tolerate her presence because of your DH? I mean this is a girl who lives with you sometimes and is your child's half sibling. She will possibly also be in your life for many years ahead. Do you not care enough about her to get her a birthday present or show interest in her birthday?

It seems he's annoyed that I've not really mentioned or planned anything for DSD but have for DS. Surely this is normal though? DS is my son, DSD as much as we have a good relationship, has her own mum and dad who arrange her birthdays.

He's just being ridiculous imo.

This is a man who leaves planning a party and all the frilly bits to the woman in his life

so instead of taking onboard that he is no longer with dds mother he now expects his wife dear step mum to do his work

you need to have a conversation about his expectation of woman folk admin and set him straight that he is a parent and he doesn't just get to leave that stuff to others

But he’s not that interested in birthday arrangements for either of his kids, is he?

He’s largely a passenger in this stuff.

He could just get more involved. At the moment the expectation is largely that the OP should be curious about what his ex is doing for their child’s birthday.