DH accusing me of not caring enough about SDs birthday

[CheeseNStuff]

He's been driving me crazy with this for a while. It's me, DH, DSD11 and DS2.

Ever since our son was born he has been extremely sensitive to his daughter and my involvement/feelings toward her. Whilst I understand it, it's very wearing.

The latest is me apparently not caring enough about DSDs birthday.

It just so happens that both DC have birthdays close together, 2 weeks apart.

This year I have planned for our son's 3rd birthday a party with family and his friends from nursery. Admittedly I've spent a bit on it but it's all my own money, I've not asked him for anything other than half of DS's birthday present.

Anyway, I was talking about something to do with the party last night and it all came out that he's annoyed because I don't seem to care enough that it's DSDs birthday too near the same time (coming up soon). He's got her something quite expensive (£300) and he asked me what I'd gotten her. I haven't actually gotten her anything for her birthday but I never usually do as DH buys it and says it's from us. Same at Christmas, I tend to just buy her something small and DH buys the main present for her.

As far as I know DSD isn't having a party this year but even if so, I'm not sure what that's down to me to discuss and plan anyway. Her mum has always been the one in the past to sort that stuff out and that's fine. I don't think she's had an actual party now for some time. More just like a couple of mates for a sleepover at her mum's type things.

The issue this year appears to be because I've done a lot for DS's birthday and I guess it's shown him up for not really doing much for DSDs? Imo though they are completely different ages, she doesn't need a big party and all the rest, she's been through those years herself of the soft play parties with the cake and everything.

It seems he's annoyed that I've not really mentioned or planned anything for DSD but have for DS. Surely this is normal though? DS is my son, DSD as much as we have a good relationship, has her own mum and dad who arrange her birthdays.

He's just being ridiculous imo.

But he hasn’t seen you spend ages and hundreds of pounds organising a birthday party before. Of course he is going to draw a comparison. He probably assumed you just weren’t interested in children’s birthday parties, just as he clearly isn’t. Of course you should have a big birthday party for your child and of course it’s not your job to organise one for your step daughter. But surely you can see that he has just now realised there is a glaring difference between how you view the two? He has kidded himself you had the same or similar interest in his daughter as in your mutual child, which clearly you don’t.

If her mother was dead or absent, I might see his point.

As it is, she has two parents who should be sorting out this sort of thing.

Your DH’s attempt to label this sort of thing ‘wimmin’s work’ and dump it on you is not edifying.

As PPs has said, this has illustrated he has not only apparently handled none of the arrangements for his son’s birthday but also apparently feels it is nothing to do with him.

But surely you can see that he has just now realised there is a glaring difference between how you view the two? He has kidded himself you had the same or similar interest in his daughter as in your mutual child, which clearly you don’t.

Yes but should the difference really be surprising to him? It's not as if his daughter doesn't have a mum who fusses over her like I do DS.

I think I'm just surprised he apparently can't see the difference between me organising something for my own son's birthday (because really who else would otherwise) and DSD.

This, a million times this!

He's being ridiculous. This really doesn't have anything to do with you at all!

He has kidded himself you had the same or similar interest in his daughter as in your mutual child, which clearly you don’t

And yes admittedly I don't no. Is that wrong though?

Cheek of him to ask what you've bought DSD yet he's not bought anything for DS just given you half the money. Not your responsibility, tell him to pull his finger out if he wants a party for HIS daughter. I swear some men just want a step mum for their child so they can do all the work. Of course you care more about your own child's birthday, you birthed him

Because to him they are both his children. He doesn’t favour one over the other, he may actually currently prefer the older, easier one. Surely you understand he has two children and feels about them both the way you feel about your own child? Were you very involved with care of your step daughter before your own baby was born?

Doesn’t sound like he wants you to plan a party, sound like more of a lack of interest/fuss for DSD - He should buy the gift & add that it’s from both of you but could you suggest something like a meal
out to celebrate her birthday maybe?

She’s not your responsibility to plan a party or make a cake, she has 2 parents for that.

I'd buy DSD a cake from supermarket. I'd be asking DH why is the expensive gift he bought DD not from both of you as in previous years? I'd be expecting to write my name on card he buys DD too from Dad and Cheese. Your DH should be paying half towards your joint sons birthday party. I would point out to DH that in the past DD mother has planned her parties but when kids hit 10 they tend to just have a couple of kids to cinema or theme park instead of class party. I hope your DH has paid as much for his DS gift as his DD gift. If not call him put on it. DD also has a gift from her own mother.

Let’s face it, your son wouldn’t be having a birthday party if it wasn’t for you.

I’m sure dsd’s mum has had the same job for dsd all these years without your DH’s input.

Their father isn’t bothered. You concentrate on DS’s parties and DSD’s mum concentrates on her’s.

Of course I understand that. The point is him not understanding that they aren't both my children. I am not asking him to do something he wouldn't do for both.

No I was no more involved than I am now.

This is how I see it. Both children have a mum who plans most of their birthday. They are at different ages too so understandably how they celebrate is going to be different.

he may actually currently prefer the older, easier one.

What do you expect the OP to do with that comment?

Even more reason for OP to feel protective of her time, money and energy for her little one then if he prefers his older, easier child as he obviously won’t have any motivation for the little one.

This is how I see it. Both children have a mum who plans most of their birthday. They are at different ages too so understandably how they celebrate is going to be different.

Exactly. It’s all equal OP.

For whatever reason he has deluded himself that you cared about his daughter to the same or similar degree that he does. Now with the fussing over your own child he can see there is a vast gulf between the two children in your affection. I don’t think it’s any more complex than that and to be frank I don’t think that there is really anything to be done there to change his mind. It will alter the idea of you he had formed in his head, but that may not be a bad thing. Certainly you don’t need to organise a party for your step daughter although I would be kind and prepare her for the fact there is going to be a big party for the baby, just as she had when young, especially as their birthdays are so close together

What did he buy your ds, and how involved is he in planning his party?

Because to him they are both his children. He doesn’t favour one over the other, he may actually currently prefer the older, easier one. Surely you understand he has two children and feels about them both the way you feel about your own child? Were you very involved with care of your step daughter before your own baby was born?

Yes but unless he's forgotten who SD's mum is, he should have no trouble comprehending that that isn't the case for OP so the way they feel will naturally be different.

I'm just choosing to ignore that part tbh. I can only imagine if I suggested my husband prefers our son over DSD 🤣

He's not bought anything separately other than giving half the money for it.

And he's done absolutely zero planning for his party. He knows what's happening as we've discussed it but he didn't arrange anything.

Then put his emotional bullshit back on him.

But he hasn’t seen you spend ages and hundreds of pounds organising a birthday party before. Of course he is going to draw a comparison. He probably assumed you just weren’t interested in children’s birthday parties, just as he clearly isn’t.

If the DH does feel this way then none of it is down to the OP. This is something her DH needs to reconcile like a grown-up, without being unpleasant. As OP has stated several times, she - quite understandably - had no role in DSD's birthday parties. She has done nothing wrong.

A nice simple peace-keeping thing you could here : sometime soon leave your DS at home with DH for an afternoon and take DSD out for a girly birthday treat. It doesn’t need to be a massive or hugely expensive thing. Coffee and cake in town, have your nails done if that’s something you and her would both enjoy. Or go to boots/superdrug and get nail polish and facemasks or something like that and try them out together at home (3 yr old can help/participate 😂)
Basically think of a girly treat activity an auntie or grown up sister might do with an 11year niece/sister.

I really doubt it’s this (he’d have to be a bit bonkers - his daughter has her own mum) I think it’s that he’s expecting the OP to do the wife work in his house - all the little things his ex does/the OP does for their son. He also may not know what a 14 year old girl would like in terms of celebration, and rather than ask OP he’s sulking because OP isn’t just doing it.

I’d tackle it like that OP - because it also takes the emotional sting out, because he won’t have fully computed this.

Point out that she’s your stepdaughter and you are really fond of her, but it is not your job to do wife work for him. If he wants to chat about plans for her and ask your advice - great - I am sure she’d like a fun day out - but it is not your job to either instigate the conversation or do those actions. He is as capable of doing it as you or his ex, and your don’t want to set an example to your DSD where she see’s women doing all the caring work. If he questions her feeling pushed out, I’d describe your feelings for her as similar to a niece or a goddaughter - that might help him see that you can have a close happy relationship with her, without having to do the parenting.

Generally is your labour division fair? I notice you say you didn’t ask him for money for your son’s party. Why not? Shared finances are complicated by kids from other relationships, but both your finances should be transparent to each other and you should have equal access to money.

It might be a good idea to instigate a bi-weekly little trip with your stepdaughter - coffee and a walk or shopping. It’s a nice thing for her, will be good for your relationship, and will deal with any worries he may genuinely have that she may feel pushed out. This does not mean you need to plan her birthdays though!

@CheeseNStuff You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
You have not changed anything that you do with/for DSD. You are putting in the effort for your son. Good thing seeing as dh isn't.
DSD has a mum & dad. Your son has a mum & dad. In both cases it is mum doing all the birthday effort.
Your dh is being an arse.