DH accusing me of not caring enough about SDs birthday

[CheeseNStuff]

He's been driving me crazy with this for a while. It's me, DH, DSD11 and DS2.

Ever since our son was born he has been extremely sensitive to his daughter and my involvement/feelings toward her. Whilst I understand it, it's very wearing.

The latest is me apparently not caring enough about DSDs birthday.

It just so happens that both DC have birthdays close together, 2 weeks apart.

This year I have planned for our son's 3rd birthday a party with family and his friends from nursery. Admittedly I've spent a bit on it but it's all my own money, I've not asked him for anything other than half of DS's birthday present.

Anyway, I was talking about something to do with the party last night and it all came out that he's annoyed because I don't seem to care enough that it's DSDs birthday too near the same time (coming up soon). He's got her something quite expensive (£300) and he asked me what I'd gotten her. I haven't actually gotten her anything for her birthday but I never usually do as DH buys it and says it's from us. Same at Christmas, I tend to just buy her something small and DH buys the main present for her.

As far as I know DSD isn't having a party this year but even if so, I'm not sure what that's down to me to discuss and plan anyway. Her mum has always been the one in the past to sort that stuff out and that's fine. I don't think she's had an actual party now for some time. More just like a couple of mates for a sleepover at her mum's type things.

The issue this year appears to be because I've done a lot for DS's birthday and I guess it's shown him up for not really doing much for DSDs? Imo though they are completely different ages, she doesn't need a big party and all the rest, she's been through those years herself of the soft play parties with the cake and everything.

It seems he's annoyed that I've not really mentioned or planned anything for DSD but have for DS. Surely this is normal though? DS is my son, DSD as much as we have a good relationship, has her own mum and dad who arrange her birthdays.

He's just being ridiculous imo.

At the moment the expectation is largely that the OP should be curious about what his ex is doing for their child’s birthday

Yes and not necessarily a party but it sounds like he wanted me to have arranged "something" i.e. a gift or to do something.

The issue I have is firstly I've never done that before so surely he can't just assume I'll start now without even having discussed anything like it before (honestly I highly suspect it's only because I'm doing it for DS and he feels bad that he's even brought it up, he's never been arsed until now) and secondly, he's not even doing it himself. I don't know how earth he can say anything about me not making a fuss of DSDs birthday when really neither has he.

Not only should he not be expecting you to plan her a party or buy her a present, he should be doing half the planning and paying for your son’s party with you as well as half the planning and paying for his daughter’s birthday arrangements with his ex. He has twice the number of kids you do so his costs and effort levels should reflect that. It’s not exactly news that having multiple kids is hard work and expensive, he chose to have them!

It's not as though he's tried to speak to me loads about her birthday and I've shut it down. I'd always have a chat if he wanted to about it.

But he's not mentioned anything about it apart from telling me what he's getting for her until this. It's like he's been waiting for me to bring it up to prove I'm bothered if that makes sense.

I would try to put yourselves in his shoes and honestly see how you would feel. Imagine if the 11 year old was your child and your husband was the step dad and you had a 2 year old together.

If you saw your husband spending a lot of time and effort organising a 3rd birthday party for ‘his’ child when your daughter’s birthday was around the same time how would you feel?

Maybe they would be more of a team though as OP would have been making the effort for her older child from day one? That way they would have discussed birthdays and made plans together for both children.

Her DH has never made the effort to organise parties and make a big fuss for his daughter. So he paved the way for this dynamic as it is now.

putting myself in his shoes…

If I’ve done absolutely nothing to prepare for something, then I wouldn’t be at all surprised that no one had asked me about it. Doing a bank transfer to give my ex some money doesn’t demonstrate something is really important to me. Why should my partner show more interest than me?

Except, I need to remember that I’m
a man here. So, of course, I should be expecting my wife to be performing all my emotional labour for me. How ridiculous that she’s not deeply invested and asking me questions so that I can remember that this is my child and I should be putting some effort in. Come to think
of it, my ex is letting the side down too. Why isn’t she making sure that I have sufficient information to answer the enthusiastic questions my wife has?

So he has bought her a present ( expensive! Guilt buy?), but has he arranged for you all to go out together for a birthday lunch or supper the next time she comes over? Or to send her a bunch of flowers? Or get some birthday balloons delivered to your house for her? I doubt it.

As someone up thread said, it is clear he sees organising special treats as wimmins work, his job as a manly man is to stand there and criticise.

No he hasn't. And never has done. It's only a problem now because I'm arranging things for DS birthday.

The posters on here (who clearly aren't step-mums btw) telling OP she should have shown more interest in her step-daughter's birthday, are the same posters who would come on here and tell OP to back off if she had said she'd organised a party for DSD...

As most posters have pointed out, he is a lazy arse who has done nothing for either of his children's birthdays. Shut his nonsense down now or he will end up limiting the things your child can experience. So many fathers of second families expect the children to lead second class lives.

He is being unreasonable of course but I can understand the worry about the older one's feelings. Maybe he's feeling a bit guilty now that it'll look like he's doing more for DS than he did for his DD (even though in reality it is the mum's organising in both cases but that may not be obvious to his DD).

I'd just ask him what he'd like to change in how you (as a family) celebrate DSD's birthday. Maybe he'd like things to change a bit so that DSD doesn't feel such a stark difference within your shared home (even though technically she did have all the parties etc etc arranged by mum when younger). Maybe she'd like a meal out with all of you and then her Dad takes her on to an activity like the cinema or something. But definitely put any of the organisation for it on to him! It's also lovely for your DS to have that "it's your sister's birthday and we're doing something special for her..." moment.

I also think it might be nice if you got her a gift just from you. Just because you haven't before it doesn't mean you can't start now. My DP gets my older son (not his son) a gift each year that is really thoughtful - not necessarily expensive. I really appreciate it and I think it helps their relationship especially as now DP and I have a DD together and my DS sees DP giving DD gifts or making things for her. It's nice that he gets the same and that I can say to him "oh, do you remember when DP made you an x and y?". Technically DS is getting more as he gets gifts from his Dad too but he has to divide his time between two homes and DD doesn't so it's not really comparable imo.

This.

And this:

If I’ve done absolutely nothing to prepare for something, then I wouldn’t be at all surprised that no one had asked me about it. Doing a bank transfer to give my ex some money doesn’t demonstrate something is really important to me. Why should my partner show more interest than me?

Tell him you are investing the same amount of interest and enthusiasm for his daughter's birthday as he is for his son's birthday.

He’d still be in the wrong if he was being really enthusiastic about his daughter’s birthday while not contributing to his son’s, though. He’s got two kids. He has two lots of thought, money and effort to expend for birthdays. Unlike either OP or DSD’s mother.

You can bet your house that there’s not one mother out there who would do fuck all for her own child’s birthday then have a go at her new husband/partner for not taking it all upon himself to arrange something. It simply wouldn’t happen.

I can honestly say this would not bother or surprise me. I would be raising the subject of my 11 year old's birthday myself, not scrutinising whether my DP brought it up.

By your own admission you “don’t really know what dsd what’s / is doing” for her birthday. Even if you’re not planning/involved it does come across as though you don’t care. So I see it from his pov even if it’s misplaced / he’s a lazy as well.

with you planning and talking so much about dis’s birthday it wouldn’t hurt to say “has dsd made any plans or do we need to know what to get her if there’s a party are we attending?” Or even ask dsd herself, you don’t have to care about her in equal measure to your son but it doesn’t mean you have to almost care less because of your son. Just because it’s been the status quo before ds was born, doesn’t mean to have to shrug and say that’s the way it’s always been, things are different and have changed, maybe the way you focus on dsd should too.

YANBU

SD has two parents - between them they should be doing all planning / organising for her birthday.

If you’d jumped in with both feet and taken on the planning / got really involved then you’d have no doubt still upset someone. Whatever we do as stepmums, we can’t win.

She wasn’t very involved. And he’s not treating his dc equally - he hasn’t run out to buy ds an amazing present like he has his daughter, if I were the op I’d point that out and say so should I assume you love ds much less? In which case our relationship is obviously on the rocks. Oh no, you don’t? So you can’t tell that kind of thing by your level of doing things for their birthday? But you think you can when it comes to me for some reason. Stop being a hypocrite.

You do realise that you’re expecting the woman to take on all the responsibility here, while pretending to all and sundry that he’s doing the work?

No woman should be asking ‘do we…’ when they mean ‘what is it you’re expecting me to do for you?’ Or when they actually mean ‘what has your ex done and what bits does she want to delegate to me?’

The person being lazy is the man who has organised nothing for either child (although he’s contributed financially to only one of them).

Maybe he should be asking the children’s mothers ‘what do you need me to do?’

He’a not going to be saying ‘I’m going to organise X, does that work for you?’ is he? Because he’s the lazy one!

The bar for men is so low that doing nothing at all except criticise your wife counts as incredible parenting. Somehow she becomes the lazy one for not asking a man she knows has done nothing about arrangements another woman has made. 🙄

with you planning and talking so much about dis’s birthday it wouldn’t hurt to say “has dsd made any plans or do we need to know what to get her if there’s a party are we attending?” Or even ask dsd herself, you don’t have to care about her in equal measure to your son but it doesn’t mean you have to almost care less because of your son. Just because it’s been the status quo before ds was born, doesn’t mean to have to shrug and say that’s the way it’s always been, things are different and have changed, maybe the way you focus on dsd should too.

I mean or he could just bring the subject up himself rather than sitting on his arse and being hypersensitive to whether his busy wife whose already organising everything for the child they made together has made a point of raising the subject. She doesn't need to add more to her load just to dance around his sensitivity. If he wants to talk about DSD's plans there is nothing stopping him from starting a conversation about them.

What I find really sad, is that he would have been ok with his DS not being made a big fuss of by anyone on his birthday because he’s never made the effort himself for his DD and will just carry on that attitude with his DS, whilst his DD gets made a fuss of by her mum, no doubt.

If anything, it’s his younger child who’s at risk of missing out on things. It’s a good job OP isn’t backing down and like dsd’s mum, will ensure her child has a wonderful birthday.

This with bells on. Maybe he's suddenly feeling very guilty because your amazing party planning has shown up his lack of organising anything for his daughter. Please don't let it put a dampner on your sons party 🙂

It’s quite often the case for children in their father’s ‘second family’.

His wife and younger child(ren) get to tiptoe on eggshells and go without to protect him from feeling anything negative about his nonresident father status.

Often it appears he’s protecting his older child(ren)’s feelings in doing this, so gets to benefit at least twice. Once from them taking responsibility for his feelings, once from being perceived as an incredible father who puts his first family children’s feelings first, and potentially again from the scapegoating results for his wife and younger child(ren).

Men are socialised to expect their emotional needs to be taken care of. As we can see on this thread, women are easily blamed for not doing so. His lack of effort becomes hers.

And it’s even worse because she knew what she was signing up for and how dare she let the stepchild down, etc.

patriarchy in action.

So sd needs 2 women to run ragged for her birthday whilst the df can't be arsed with either of his dc's day?

According to df.

When sd will probaby just want one parent, her dm, to take her out with a small group of friends.