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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DH accusing me of not caring enough about SDs birthday

115 replies

CheeseNStuff · 05/01/2023 10:04

He's been driving me crazy with this for a while. It's me, DH, DSD11 and DS2.

Ever since our son was born he has been extremely sensitive to his daughter and my involvement/feelings toward her. Whilst I understand it, it's very wearing.

The latest is me apparently not caring enough about DSDs birthday.

It just so happens that both DC have birthdays close together, 2 weeks apart.

This year I have planned for our son's 3rd birthday a party with family and his friends from nursery. Admittedly I've spent a bit on it but it's all my own money, I've not asked him for anything other than half of DS's birthday present.

Anyway, I was talking about something to do with the party last night and it all came out that he's annoyed because I don't seem to care enough that it's DSDs birthday too near the same time (coming up soon). He's got her something quite expensive (£300) and he asked me what I'd gotten her. I haven't actually gotten her anything for her birthday but I never usually do as DH buys it and says it's from us. Same at Christmas, I tend to just buy her something small and DH buys the main present for her.

As far as I know DSD isn't having a party this year but even if so, I'm not sure what that's down to me to discuss and plan anyway. Her mum has always been the one in the past to sort that stuff out and that's fine. I don't think she's had an actual party now for some time. More just like a couple of mates for a sleepover at her mum's type things.

The issue this year appears to be because I've done a lot for DS's birthday and I guess it's shown him up for not really doing much for DSDs? Imo though they are completely different ages, she doesn't need a big party and all the rest, she's been through those years herself of the soft play parties with the cake and everything.

It seems he's annoyed that I've not really mentioned or planned anything for DSD but have for DS. Surely this is normal though? DS is my son, DSD as much as we have a good relationship, has her own mum and dad who arrange her birthdays.

He's just being ridiculous imo.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mewkins · 05/01/2023 15:22

Eyerollcentral · 05/01/2023 10:20

@CheeseNStuff he does have a point though. He’s been deluding himself that you love his daughter the way he does. Now you have your own child he can see there is a gulf of a difference between the two. This is probably heightened by you spending money on a party for a child who won’t remember it even the week after. An expensive party is actually much more fitting for an older child. It’s not your duty to arrange your step daughter’s party but by the sound of it you haven’t even asked him a question about her plans, which is very odd as their birthdays are close together.

I think the problem is more that you've shown how a parent SHOULD put effort into their child's birthday and he realises that he never has...for either of his kids. Also deep down he probably sees this as a woman's role.

GlitteryGreen · 05/01/2023 16:16

Things like this are so frustrating.

I can see how his mind is going down these roads but it's really not your problem or fault. You are not his daughter's mother, she is fully aware of that and would like never expect (potentially even want) your involvement in organising her birthday. Let alone what her mum would think!

He's just feeling conflicted because he wants to pretend you're all one big family. Which of course you are in one sense, but not in the same way as if you were the mother of both children.

I'd have a proper chat with him and explain that you don't care for SD any less but obviously you'll do things differently for your son because you're his mother. Ask him to imagine how he'd feel if SD had a stepdad who suddenly started stepping in on things like this and hopefully he'll see how different and inappropriate it would be.

Blendiful · 05/01/2023 17:57

I think it's probably the fact DSD hasn't had a party at dads before, but no one has. Now DS will be he perhaps thinks she'll wonder why he/you did a party for him and not her. Even though he hasn't. Guilt trip.

But YANBU as it's not your problem to
Organise and it's not your problem he never did something himself before and let DSDs mum organise it.

He needs to explain why DS gets a party with you and she doesn't, both mums are organising and DS mum is you. She doesn't miss out she just has it elsewhere.

hourbyhour101 · 05/01/2023 19:04

onyttig · 05/01/2023 13:32

putting myself in his shoes…

If I’ve done absolutely nothing to prepare for something, then I wouldn’t be at all surprised that no one had asked me about it. Doing a bank transfer to give my ex some money doesn’t demonstrate something is really important to me. Why should my partner show more interest than me?

Except, I need to remember that I’m
a man here. So, of course, I should be expecting my wife to be performing all my emotional labour for me. How ridiculous that she’s not deeply invested and asking me questions so that I can remember that this is my child and I should be putting some effort in. Come to think
of it, my ex is letting the side down too. Why isn’t she making sure that I have sufficient information to answer the enthusiastic questions my wife has?

This in fucking spades.

If he has hilt over creating another child, then the person who created both lives should be doing something to level a playing field between their kids.

Op sadly I suspect he has a bad case of the guilts. Which isn't a healthy place to parent from tbh.

I say this as a mum and SC adult obviously) if my ex was doing this to his wife (my Dd sm) and mentioned it to me I would call him a lazy toad tbh

Rayn22 · 06/01/2023 08:02

Bloody hell OP. He is been really unreasonable!! You can get involved with SD birthday but it is not your responsibility!! He is been ridiculous.

roseheartfly · 06/01/2023 10:26

He's probably bothered because his DD will see what has been done for your DS and may compare and feel sad.

It is down to him but I do understand why he's more worried this year.. lashing out as he's not organised much and maybe asking for a hand without doing it the right way...

LivingDeadGirlUK · 06/01/2023 10:42

Stand firm OP he's thinking as your a parent now you can be roped into doing all his parenting too.

Isthisit22 · 06/01/2023 22:31

Martialisthebestpup · 05/01/2023 11:15

A nice simple peace-keeping thing you could here : sometime soon leave your DS at home with DH for an afternoon and take DSD out for a girly birthday treat. It doesn’t need to be a massive or hugely expensive thing. Coffee and cake in town, have your nails done if that’s something you and her would both enjoy. Or go to boots/superdrug and get nail polish and facemasks or something like that and try them out together at home (3 yr old can help/participate 😂)
Basically think of a girly treat activity an auntie or grown up sister might do with an 11year niece/sister.

God so many handmaidens on this thread!
Why on earth should she?
God forbid the DH should actually arrange something for even one of his kids himself.

Martialisthebestpup · 06/01/2023 22:43

Isthisit22 · 06/01/2023 22:31

God so many handmaidens on this thread!
Why on earth should she?
God forbid the DH should actually arrange something for even one of his kids himself.

Show quote history

Because it will probably fix the problem with the least amount of effort on her behalf.
Not a party. Not a big expensive present. A hour’s outing to a coffee shop.

onyttig · 06/01/2023 22:54

Martialisthebestpup · 06/01/2023 22:43

Because it will probably fix the problem with the least amount of effort on her behalf.
Not a party. Not a big expensive present. A hour’s outing to a coffee shop.

Show quote history

It won’t fix the problem though.

The problem isn’t that the OP hasn’t arranged something for DSD’s birthday. It’s her husband’s attitude.

Pandering to that doesn’t fix the problem. It just covers it over and then it comes back to bite you again and again.

Copperoliverbear · 06/01/2023 23:50

He's being an idiot. X

Maray1967 · 10/02/2023 09:18

Eastereggsboxedupready · 05/01/2023 15:13

So sd needs 2 women to run ragged for her birthday whilst the df can't be arsed with either of his dc's day?

exactly. He needs to be called out on this, OP. You need to ask him why he thinks you should be fussing over his daughters birthday. Calmly point out that you are not her parent.

Noneedtobemean · 10/02/2023 09:22

He is just deflecting from the fact that he plans very little for either of his children's birthdays.

Oldnproud · 08/04/2023 19:17

Point out to DH that you are simply doing exactly what his ex does - you are organising your joint child's birthday. What is unreasonable about that? He is the common denominator between the two children, so if anyone needs to do more, surely it's him!

Frankola · 11/04/2023 20:20

He's pissed off because you've shown him up. You've put thought and effort into YOUR child's party. He's done nothing of the sort for either of HIS children🙄

I'd say 300 quid on a gift is more than enough. Why do you need to get her anything? Surely it's a joint gift.

Plus, at 11, I'm sure your dsd would rather have a girly sleepover or something like that than a party.

If his child wants a party, I'm sure he can sort one with his child's mother.

Blokes like this do my head in!

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