Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

Well she must be loving this then

Because she is a boundary-less bully.

So it is learnt behaviour from her parent.

Of course it is very important to put your child’s safety first.
But banning her from her own home is very extreme and not something that you should be smug about.

If your child has a different father then I would have her round when her sibling isn’t there or if they share the same father then maybe he should move into his own place.

This girl obviously has a lot of issues, not helped by her mums behaviour, and being banned from her own home and then having her dad come and live with her mum for half the week when they are separated is going to cause even more issues.

I would have banned the mum coming in ages ago.

I would feel for the step daughter but ultimately I would put my own child first, the underlying problem is that her parents are not dealing with her behaviour

As DSD is 17, seems to me reasonable actions for protection. Your DH has failed massively if it has come to this.

It’s great that you feel good about your decision @Boundaryqueen1 but the way you talk about DSD shows that you have no love or respect for her.

Yes, her behaviour sounds dreadful but I have to wonder about your behaviour towards to her.

My mother died many years ago, in fact, 51 years ago.

My father married a woman who, at best, I can call dreadful but in honesty, she was verbally, physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive.

And when I say physically abusive, I don’t mean a smack on the bum when naughty, but things like punching me on the face repeatedly when I was 11 because I forgot to put the rubbish out, hitting me with the buckle end of her belt for some reason I forget now and my earliest memory of her was when she made eat my own vomit on my 5th birthday.

My father never allowed her to have children and she used to beat me for that too, saying that if I wasn’t around, she could have her own kids. She completely destroyed my relationship with my father and even now, I am still in counselling because of what she did.

So yes, you tell stepparents to have boundaries but please tell me how a 5 year old deserves to have to eat her own vomit on her birthday?

A person’s earliest experiences shapes them forever and everything that happens after traumatic experiences is informed by those experiences.

That woman left a trail of destruction that has carved a path through my own life.

If your DSD could post on here, I wonder what she would say? Because throughout my life, I’ve learnt one thing - there’s your truth, their truth and the truth, which is usually in the middle of yours and theirs.

I am also a DSM and have a very close and loving relationship with my DSS’s.

Being a DSM doesn’t mean you have to “tolerate” your DSC but means you have to “parent” them - that is: love them, respect them, treat them with kindness and be there for them.

My DSS’s BM tried for years (and still does on the odd occasions that she has contact with them) to emotionally manipulate them and turn them against me.

My behaviour towards them showed them that what their BM said was complete BS. Because I treated them like my own, I loved them, was kind to them, I never shouted at them - I never shouted at my own DC either, I never nagged them, but I talked to them and used gentle parenting techniques. I didn’t even know it was called that until I saw a TikTok video of a woman with her kids, where she was practising it.

Rather than posting a vitriolic and bitter comment about how awful your DSD is, perhaps you should look to yourself for your contribution to how she interacts with you and how she has turned out?

I am not a SM. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to have a DSD effectively terrorising you in your own home.
You put up with it for years because you understand that it must be difficult for DSC to have to be part of a blended family . You are expected to care for the child but not allowed to discipline them. You let DSC get away with things that you would reprimand your own dcs for. You don’t want to be seen as the wicked SM
My own mother had a step mother who was horrible to her, so I am not siding with SM. I just realise that some DSC can test the patience of a saint.

It’s only the fullness of time that reveals theses though. The cute 3 year old I played with and drew with and cooked with and cuddled with and took good care of all those years ago is not the nasty piece of work that stands before me today.

In my opinion it is you that is sounding increasingly unpleasant @NormalNans and determined to take pot shots at the OP because she has finally asserted her boundaries. I suspect it is your own issues that are informing your responses and I would advise the OP not to rise to your provocations.

What?? Sooo... for example by this reasoning if two people in a relationship have children and one becomes violent and abusive 10 years layer the other should stay? And let the children think this is normal & healthy? ... WOW

I very much doubt that this has suddenly become a problem overnight and there was no inkling of the problems to come over the last ten years.

This is why parents getting into new relationships and having second families needs to be see from the start that they are doing something that is likely to be traumatic for children, instead of thinking they can move on, play happy families and all will be fine.

I’d be interested to know what issues you think are informing my responses.

“You go girl”

“peeps”

What is with all of this language 😂

I feel like I’ve gone back in time to a chat room on MSN or MySpace!

I'm so so sorry for what you experienced as a child 💔

Well, hopefully not having to spend half the week in a home where one of the adults so obviously despises her will do DSD a world of good. What an awful situation to have to spend your childhood and teens in.

I’m not really interested in your issues @NormalNans - I‘m just advising the OP to ignore your posts because they read as if you have a big chip on your shoulder and you are not taking in anything she says but just criticising because you enjoy it.

The above was to @NormalNans btw.

Respect is earned I’m afraid.
Have you ever tried to feel warmly disposed towards someone who gets off on making your life a misery?
Why do we hold women up to this saintly standard? Would a step father be expected to take weekly abuse and threats to his safety for years on end?
You had a awful time and I’m sorry to hear it. I also had a very awful time with my abusive step mother. When I became a step mother myself, I put all of my energy into being the opposite of my step mother and I have allowed myself to be hollowed out in the process because the difference between my step mother and me is that she was blessed with a lovely kind hearted child who she chose to abuse and I was cursed with a step child who is a very unpleasant person.
Try to recognise when you’re projecting.

I was unsympathetic til I read step daughter is violent and 17.

@Boundaryqueen1 Don't blame you.
She sounds awful, as does the mother.
No excuse for violence, ever.

What does DSD mean?

I keep thinking of LSD!

OP you are me 5 years ago. I was disrespected, spoken about behind my back, told what to do, when to do it and when I insisted to my MiL on Xmas day that lunch would be served to 10 people according to my schedule, not SD's the worm truly turned.

A year and a half later we had strangers threatening our home security at the request of SD, I got a locksmith out to change the locks and I've never looked back.

At 17 she's old enough to understand consequences and I'd suggest that the less contact you have with her the better. I've grey rocked my SD and MIL, DH is happy that I fade into the background now as it gives them NOTHING to bitch about.

2 years on SD loves to dramatise the fact that she's completely singled out from her sibling, not invited to events, holidays, dinners etc when I'm attending with DH and he consistently repeats, "you can resolve this if you want to, you just choose not to". I also back away from a number of family events to be sure I'm not the bad guy cutting her off

It's a tiresome Mumsnet acronym.

''Darling step daughter''

They are confusing!

Using the word basket case for someone who probably has mental health issues is not ok either and will not help the situation

NormalNans · Today 12:11
I’d be interested to know what issues you think are informing my responses.

NormalNans why do you feel the need to be so unpleasant to the op?

Only in the misandry world of Mumsnet does an issue between 3 women becomes the man's fault. Massive chip on shoulder here.

If it is as you describe, including violence, then it sounds like the right thing to do. You should temper the way you speak about your DSD though.

Not at all. The OP can ignore me if they want but equally this is a public forum. I’ve been very clear about which aspects of the OP’s posts I find unpleasant and I’ve given a reason for that. There is no agenda, there are no issues other than understanding the impact of SEND, mental health issues and trauma on children and feeling sad that the child on the OP’s thread doesn’t have that.