Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

@hourbyhour101 if you read my posts you will see i agreed with the Op decision and said so numerous times ?
Your right I did indeed tag you first as your comment was right after mine and took it as replying to mine as seemed aimed at what I had said
You then told me to moderate my language , I don't need to and can choose what to post or what part to address
I think you also said they could be tried as an adult but Im not even sure this happened when dsd was 17 and not sooner judging by op child age , not that it makes it ok and o course having asd doesn't give an excuse to be violent its only a small percentage who show violent behaviour but the dsd def has some complex issues going on.
OP now feels safer for herself and dd that is the main thing and I hope they can sort out the issues and all have a better relationship later on for all involved.
We can agree to disagree on some things yes

@OldFan unless they read the thread ?
MH affects everyone differently even with the same condition at times
No excuses as threatening people with a knife is dangerous , scary and all sorts but I can't work out if the dsd was arrested or police involved in these situations , mentions Cahms etc but nor police , I think if it was me I would have to involve police too as who knows where it leads too

unless they read the thread ?

They are not likely to be on here, esp. a 17 year old. Even the mum- most people aren't on here.

@OldFan hopefully not but people have been identified in here and also always risk dm or such take a story , that happens a lot
Granted not the sort they usually pick up

@healthadvice123 not looking for a fight but just in answer to one of the topics mentioned.

I don't believe DSD was arrested based on what OPs put. Personally I would have got her sectioned at that point for her own well-being as well as others (if she was my Dc). I know easy to say when haven't been there. That said getting her sectioned or police involved is really the parents duty iMO and not OPs burden to bare.

She's protecting the youngest and actually DSD by making sure the situation doesn't escalate and cause damage to both children's futures

@hourbyhour101 yes one for the parents but seems cahms were involved so guess they are seeking help , although that is not always easy to get for parents which doesn't help matters as support is often not there when needed from the right agencies
OP has to put her dd first now in this situation i agree as she is also vulnerable

So should she just allow someone to wave a knife around and make threats?

Quite.

What I don't get is why has no one called the police and MH services ? Threatening people with knives is very dangerous behaviour. You aren't safeguarding your DD by not following this up . DSD has been taken to her mum's , have all weapons and sharp objects been removed ? I wouldn't let this go, I have worked in MH/LD secure services I would be very very concerned if a parent didn't report a child in MH crisis brandishing a knife.

This is obviously a teenager with significant mental health challenges, possible trauma, and additional needs. It sounds absolutely best for her to be cared for her in her own home by her parents, if they are able to manage that.

Not everyone has the capacity to care for a person with such challenges, and it's absolutely understandable that you prioritise safety and stability for your own DD. It is good that your DH is not abandoning his DD though, as he absolutely has a duty to her.

Do you think she will ever be able to live independently, OP? I just wonder what the future looks like, if so? Will your DH continue to live with her on a part-time basis, indefinitely?

Do you not realise the hypocrisy of your first and last sentence?

So she should just sit back and allow a 7 year old to be threatened and attacked?....how hideously vile the OP is for not doing that. 🙄

I have a DSC who is violent and the immediate family closed ranks and still has, terrified of the consequences if they actually were honest. Occasionally they’ll reach out for help but then start back peddling and there’s nothing you can do if people aren’t being honest and are deliberately misleading. The behaviour is the same at school etc and so it’s acknowledged but the family aren’t honest and withhold incidents with other children.

As a Mother, I told all the services etc that I was (and remain to be) concerned for my own kids but because I was concerned they saw me as effectively safeguarding my children. The distance I created was enough to satisfy them I was mitigating the risk. Where really, I felt I needed intervention to prevent the other parent facilitating contact in an unsafe environment. I had to make the same decision as OP, shortly after social services became involved (not because of my children but the child’s mothers) and backed me up. I say “shortly” but it took around 18m and they were keen to write off incidents as accidents, presumably because their lack of action in response to those was incriminating.

I’m just sharing this as I think everyone assumes a response will be immediate, but my experience is very different. Social services threshold for intervention is incredibly low. Even with hospital injuries they’re reluctant to act and I always felt there was a tendency to dismiss each incident and treat them in isolation rather than admit they’re a repeating pattern of behaviour. So your child actually needs to have been injured repeatedly before they’ll accept there is a risk.

When I told a health visitor that I had serious concerns re the DV in my own home, they actually told me that was tough but Mum needs the respite from their challenging child. That’s the sort of response you’re met with.

Parents don’t only need to accept they have an issue but actually push for help or intervention and they often just don’t want to. Because their child is precious and lovely and doesn’t mean any of it… it’s just a vicious circle. Reading this thread you can see why parents are reluctant to admit their child is an issue/or has an issue the stigma is evident throughout the responses on this post!

@PeppermintChoc thank you for the most sensible post on this thread.

Peppermint - the most accurate portrayal so far. 🥰

Great post

Your right I did indeed tag you first as your comment was right after mine and took it as replying to mine as seemed aimed at what I had said

But her comment wasn’t right after yours.

It’s a common tactic to cry ‘stop tagging me’ when someone disagrees with you, why do it?

It really is and it would be very helpful if we could explore and discuss this kind of dynamic described so well by @PeppermintChoc (I'd certainly find it incredibly useful).

And perhaps the 'tagging spat' could stop? It's unproductive and frankly tiresome now. We get it, we do.

Thank you. There’s this notion that the cavalry will arrive and protect your children, fix the child who presents with challenges and you’ll all stroll off hand in hand. The fact is, that when intervention arrives it’s much too late. They’ll only act if there’s been incidents, not in anticipation of them. I was told it’s a “reactive and not proactive” response. Now imagine hearing that to be taken seriously you have allow the opportunity to fail. Which means, in practical terms, your children have to be hurt in order to demonstrate the risk.

I felt like I was beating my own drum for my children and actually started to wonder if I was going mad.

I was really invested in the solution but the parents didn’t really implement any of the suggestions. They probably acted too late and hoped it would pass. I really believed it was all temporary and something that could be addressed with a therapeutic approach - I then started to realise it was all out of my control and the only thing I could do was protect my own children.

@PeppermintChoc I fear I know the answer but what did the parents do (if anything ?) did anything work ? Did they work together in tandem or against each other ?

How did this play out in your relationship.

I know denial is something that can be problematic to overcome and hard but did they actually face what happened and what was the outcome ?

Did anything work ? Like stick and work ?

I feel like I'm grilling you and it's totally not my intention but if you would be kind enough to expand and share your experience I think a lot of us could learn something and if nothing else might be helpful to the op.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that and so did your children. I really am.

No, they didn’t work together. Neither were/are all that honest with each other and each saw the others struggles as theirs and theirs alone.

They mostly buried their head in the sand and hoped that somebody would have the answer and find it for them. CAHM’s, school etc. I felt like they treated each day as it came to avoid admitting the wider issue.

I won’t go into the outcome as I feel it will be too outing. I’ve said enough. But hope it helps add some perspective.

@PeppermintChoc thank you for sharing 💐

The way things are going, no. DSD has school-refused for the past 5 years and has laid in bed on her phone watching videos and playing games day and night for all of this time. Although she’s been medically treated for various mental health issues for several years, there is nothing about what she does with her days that contribute to satisfactory mental health.

DH and DSD’s mother haven’t taught her how to do laundry/ washing up/ cooking and there has never been any consequences for her bad behaviour so she has almost been disabled by her parents’ approach. She was much more independent and able as a 9 year old.

like PP shared about her situation, I think DH enjoys the relaxation of the days where DSD isn’t with him and on the days that DSD is with him, he just plays good cop (for the best of reasons) and her mother does the same so there is no home environment where DSD is being given any indication about acceptable behaviours or being prepared to be independent.

I no longer want to be a cog in this wheel of enabling. My resources are not to be drained by people who hate me.

I’m putting my foot down now to be proactive rather than reactive to my DD or me being harmed in our home. I’m also adamant that DD doesn’t think she can just lay around the house with fibre optic broadband, food brought to her, washing up taken away and done for her, washing done for her whilst she treats everyone with rudeness, disrespect and unkindness. I refuse to financially support a monster who is not of my own making.

Both of DSD’s parents have been a little in denial about the wider issues as they just fire fight each day.

Of course the abusive emails and texts have been coming in thick and fast from DSD, her mum and her mum’s partner since laying this boundary but this was to be expected. I bet they’re shitting themselves that they are going to have to lay in the bed that they made and deal with this teenager head on and hopefully they’ll see how much poison I was silently absorbing for over a decade and now they’re going to have to swallow it. I am looking forward to 2023. Sad for DH having to be treated as a bad guy when he is the opposite, but I really think in the fullness of time, everyone will be able to see what’s true.