Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

And did you threaten your family with knives? No, thought not. Don't take your rage about coming from a broken home out on someone who has tried hard for several years to manage some extremely difficult behaviour.

FFS. When will people realise every situation is different. Well done OP.

My DSD came from not 1, but 2 "broken" homes (the 2nd was when her dad left us for OW), I ended up being her R"P" via court order.....at no time EVER did she threaten to stab anyone or take a knife into school, did you?

I’m really surprised at your take on this if you are indeed from the background you claim. For a mentally ill 17 year old with SEN (still a child in English law) who is also suffering the effects of a damaging home life, being excluded from the home without adequate support in place (not just boundaries and consequences) is not an appropriate consequence (punishment?) and her father is letting her down very badly. Again. His solution appears to be to appease his wife by just allowing his daughter to be her mother’s problem and exposing her further to the apparently extremely toxic environment which has led to a lot of her problems in the first place. That OP feels this sorry state of affairs is cause for celebration and gloating reflects extremely poorly on her character, even if (of course) she has an obligation to protect her own child.

I have done the same with my Stepson, banned him from mg house.

He was a vile, teenager who thought of no one other than his needs. The lies he spread could have had serious consequences.

He beat my son, called my daughters names.

Banner him from the house, he could see his Dad whenever he wanted.

The drama is over and I have had peace and my home is my sanctuary.

well done OP.

She didn't choose to live with a knife-wielding, vile vandal, though.

I agree her father is letting her down but the OP is protecting her child and her own mental health. The OP is hugely relieved that the chaos and drama is now no longer under her roof. I'm not going to attempt to diagnose what is going on for the SD but she is clearly damaged. Unfortunately given her age, there is very little in the way of support, but from what the OP has said, I doubt whether she would accept it and I doubt the parents would either. It's sad but it is not the OPs problem, other than her DH is feckless.

OP, you are getting some massively uncalled for shit on here. I was unfortunate enough to have a step mother who married my dad for his money, discovered strings attached to do with me and therefore kicked me out at age 12 to make her own claim on the money (after getting knocked up with a child she would later put in care when she got married for the umpteenth time and new husband did not want a child around). So know that some Step mothers are horrible. But I have also been and seen step mothers who have had loving and supportive relationships with their DSC. One thing a lot of people here seem to be ignoring is that this child, who is almost a legal adult, is making active choices here. Plenty of people are ND or have MH problems without being violent and threatening to others. People on the spectrum lack a theory of mind so are not likely to be able to manipulate in the way OP is describing. Sounds like the DSD is a chip of an unpleasant old block and that OP and her DH have found the best way to make this work.

I think the dad's/husband's role needs to be examined more here. He's jointly responsible for parenting his child and dealing with behaviour or mental health issues and he had another child with OP so one has to hope he's learned from his experiences. Has he? What's he doing?

Get a grip fgs. Many many people have divorced parents and don't fall apart or succumb to mental health issues .

For me personally - I had a long stay in a MH unit in my late teens so accessed therapy (of a sort!) and meds then. I didn’t have much family contact for a long time ( have more now) and was lucky to find myself a fulfilling career and make lifelong friends in my twenties that grounded me and helped me through subsequent crisis’, of which there were many! And then as I matured, I had therapy, did a lot of my own reading and research, meds on and off, exercise, worked and so on. So not one thing, and it is still not straightforward.

i don’t think it will be for my children either and as I said, they are ND and I think I am too. But we have a stable, loving family home and I’ll make damn sure that they are supported and nurtured in the way we weren’t, however hard.

My siblings have had different journeys and again by no means straightforward. But they function and contribute to society, they are good people. We are not close really though- suspect we are all triggered to an extent by seeing one another, although we do love each other.

Life is complicated.

I do really feel for the OP, it does sound very difficult and I understand that she needs to protect herself and her DD. I suppose I struggled a bit with how cold she appeared and the lack of expressed empathy for her SD, who is still a child. I guess that this is a coping strategy though.

@ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor 17 is not an adult , why do people say this , at 17 did you make the same choices as you would now , i very much doubt not
17 is not an adult , kid sounds like she has had to deal with a lot and whilst I can see why OP had done what she has done , I don't agree that her dh is a good father to let things get as far as they have

@Shoecleaner but the opening post does appear more gloating than relived
As OP has been in the childs life since 3 you would also think would be a little sad it has come to this.
Her sd is still her childs sibling and has been put through a lot and OP claimed her dh is a great parent and sees no fault on him , just all the 17 year old child and they are still a child .

@Atethehalloweenchocs maybe it was use if some if the words they used to describe someone with MH issues , which appears to of been deleted

@Atethehalloweenchocs no sorry still there

Well, given 99% of threads on MN use acronyms you won’t last long on MN then.

Sorry @healthadvice123 not sure I am following? I think you are pointing out some unpleasant language around people who have some kind of MH or ND issue - although in my reading this was more directed at the mother than the DSD? But have have read it wrong. I was really responding to how many people seemed to be saying that MH and SN are the reasons for the behaviour, but there are many people who never behave like this ( I used to work with children and adolescents in psychiatric hospitals and very few threatened to stab people). I also thought there was a mention of possible spectrum disorder and just wanted to point out that ASD people are not generally manipulative as their understanding of social interactions and cues make that difficult if not impossible.

Lot of idiots on here.
You've held yourself beautifully OP. And made me laugh
'You sound like a bollock'
Hope you and your family have some peace now

@Atethehalloweenchocs she called both basket cases as someone who has suffered MH i find that awful, plus when someone else pointed out some of recent updates could be outing to dsd , Op said worse things like war in ukraine
Sorry I don't find that great behaviour either and always two sides to the story
I fully understand OP protecting her child but use of language says a lot too

@Sux2buthen held themselves beautifully calling a child a basketcase ? And when someone pointed out latest updates could be outing to dsd or family , did you see the response

Still does not address my main point @healthadvice123 - neither MH, ASD or SN excuses the behaviour described.

Yes the response had me howling.
OP knows the full details of what she's been through, she's had enough.
Good luck to her

@Atethehalloweenchocs MH is hugely variable and causes all kinds of issues as does ASD , some issues she has may be related to one or the other

@Sux2buthen makes you know better then doesn't it
Calling a child a basket case who has MH issues
You can have enough without having to resort to name calling and a child at that
And when told post may be outing , gave zero shits , how would that help her DSD if she was to know what was on here ?

I think OP's time trying to help is done.
And fair enough