Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

Well done for putting your foot down. My hubby and I had to go though years of crappie and terrionsiom.
DSD mum filled her head full of Sh*t for years, we had to call the police on her.
DSD mum didn't care for her properly, she was always dirty and cold.
Finally after years of it my children don't have to feel frightened in our own home.

Eh?

She threatened to stab her parents.

Why would OP allow her own child to be put at risk by this behaviour?

OP I think you’ve done the right thing. She is an adult at 17 and knows exactly what she is doing. Your priority is your child who needs protecting as a minor.

But what if she was your DD? Would you take the same approach? You can’t be certain her issues relate to poor parenting: indeed there is increasing research that suggests that personality, resilience and so on have genetic components as much as environmental ones.
My siblings and I all had significant MH issues as teens that manifested in different ways - mine was internal, depression, suicidal but not challenging. My sister was aggressive, manipulative, abusive - very unhappy.
Now middle aged we are all upstanding and successful members of society. All of our children (one of 4 sibs, 7 children) are neurodiverse hence we are naturally questioning that ourselves. My children are upper primary age and both have issues /SEN/ND. We are good parents but life can be challenging. I don’t know how this could manifest when they reach adolescence. But they are all children. We love them and are committed to them and whatever happens, it’ll be ok in the long term.
They will always have unconditional love. Will this be the case for your SD? She is not a demon. She is a damaged child, for whatever reason.

Why does his ex have a key to your home?

Do you live in their old marital home?

But what if she was your DD?

But she's not. She has parents. The OP isn't one of them. She isn't obligated to give the girl unconditional love. The OP is being a mother to her own child.

Nowhere have I dismissed the role of trauma or mental illness. What I said was it isn't an excuse for poor behaviour. As for knowledge, I worked as a clinician in a personality disorder service for 20 years and have extensive qualifications in mental health and have worked with hundreds of people who have had really significant problems but no-one surrounding them should need to put up with shitty behaviour and being excluded from the OPs home is a consequence of shitty behaviour. Her parents now need to step up and place appropriate boundaries and set consequences too or this young woman will continue to be a damaged individual who transmits her pain to all those around her, which is a totally unacceptable way to be.

@ShirleyHolmes Do you have any insight into what turned your lives around?

Calling it a “sob story” displays a complete lack of empathy. And to dismiss the role of trauma and mental illness in human behaviour is lacking in empathy and knowledge.

I agree.

MN can be an odd place sometimes.

Usually on here a child with SN is given a free pass to act however they want to.

This child has SN (so is much more socially and emotionally immature than her age), MH issues and by OPs own admission a bully of a mother and a shit father, both of whom have done very little parenting and have created many of these problems.

Yet posters are acting the DSD is to blame for all of this and some (“you go girl”) posters are even enjoying this.

OP started a thread gloating that her DSD has been banned from her own home and her DH is staying at his abusive ex’s for half the week knowing that she has tried to split the marriage up and that their shared DD is going to miss out on time with their dad - most people would be devastated at this result and see it as a last resort where everyone loses.
Not be smug and encouraging others to do the same.

The Op has reached the end of her tether.
She has made her decision and I don’t blame her.
She cannot be a martyr forever.

Years ago I banned my ex's DD from my home. She was 16, violent, lying, manipulative and used to leave me horrible notes telling me she hoped I died. Yet expecting me to spend hundreds on her for anything she fancied. Not her dad, his feckless arse wouldn't get up and work. His kids lived with us for five years and then she moved to mums, then back, then mins etc...basically every time the law was laid down to her at ours she fucked off to her other parent after destroying our home, and every time she and her batshit mother argued, she'd turn up on our doorstep with her bags and stupid soft hearted me would think she had probably been hurt and scared and would appreciate being cared for.

At sixteen, when she put a steak knife into my car tire because I said I couldn't drive her into the city with a kidney infection, I said to my ex -that's it, there's no it's her or me conversation. She goes to her mum by this weekend or you both go to YOUR mums and stay there. I'm not having her dangerous behaviour around me or my children anymore.

She went. And he went a year or so after. Don't regret it at all. She's nearly 30 now. Probably still talking crap about how evil I was. I was the only person who ever sorted anything out for her or cared about what she wanted, and she threw it all back at me repeatedly.

Don't feel guilty about your red line, OP.

In all honesty, based on the violence alone and other threats regarding knives, I wouldn't have her in my 3 year olds home. Those saying "it's her home too"? I honestly hope you'd do a better job at protecting a young innocent child. It ceased to become the DSD's home when she became a very real danger. She has not been rendered homeless, she has a home with her mother for now. Going forward, both of her parents need to do the work to aid her recovery or improvement but for now it's not the OP's responsibility.
Yes, the OP isn't coming across all that well but I'd probably be the same after more than a decade of aggro. She's pissed off.

I don't see it as her being smug or gloating. It sounds more like relief. Like she has finally realised that actually she does not have to live like this. That all these problems don't have to be hers. Which is true. Step-parents are only step-parents for as long as they choose to be. They can be involved as much or as little as they want. The OP has finally realised this. She is choosing to no longer be involved. She is prioritising the safety and happiness of her self and her child.

Here's to a happier and peaceful New Year @Boundaryqueen1

I also feel sorry for the girl. But her mental health issues, however they were caused, can't be wiped away with love and understanding, unfortunately. She needs to be kept away from the younger child. Her Dad is still going to maintain a relationship with her, which is a great deal more than a lot of kids get, and for that reason I wouldn't call him a deadbeat father.

By the sound of it, the OP just needs some peace and not to live in fear.

But what if she was your DD? Would you take the same approach?

But she's not so what's the point of this question?

17 is also a minor.

I think it's meant to be a "gotcha" question....very rarely works though.

Not her dad, his feckless arse wouldn't get up and work. His kids lived with us for five years

Again, this isn’t the child’s fault but the waste of a space father that has allowed this.

The DSD’s behaviour is awful but she has shit parents, SN and MH issues - it’s inevitable that she’s not going to be an angel.

Of course OP shouldn’t have to put up with it but the reason it affects her so much is because her DH is not stepping up.

Instead of blaming the DSD or her mum, OP needs to realise that she has a DH problem.

If an OP started a thread saying that her DH wants to live in his ex’s house for half the week (even though she’s a bully and wants to split them up) everyone would be telling her that it is completely unacceptable.
I find it odd that so many posters think this is such a great idea.

In scotland you can get married at 17, live alone or join the armed forces. If you need medical attention you go to the adults hospital not the kids. At 17 she knows what she is doing

I think I remember you posting at the time about your DH expecting you to look after DSD when the knife incidents happened ahd you were terrified about how to keep yourself and DD safe. It was horrifying.

I’m really sorry things have escalated so badly and commend you for drawing a line to protect yourself and DD. I suspect you’ll have more troubled years ahead but hope this step makes things easier. Stay strong and don’t take the really nasty posts on here to heart.

You’re a good mum. You’ve done your best as a step mum. You had no other options. I hope it brings you some peace 💐

As a child of a broken home I am utterly disgusted by this vile post.

She didn't choose to have you as a step mother but you did choose to marry a man with children. You need to have a long hard look at yourself.

Are we nearly at the 1000 post limit yet?

Or was it 100?

I just realised you called your special needs child with mental illness a basket case. That's horrific