Page 15 | Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

Boundaryqueen1 · 2022-12-29T08:51:42+00:00

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

ExhaustedFlamingo · 29/12/2022 13:58

Reindeersnooker · 29/12/2022 13:46

It doesn't read like glee. It reads like relief and a move towards personal survival.

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I disagree but fair enough.

I do agree the OP sounds relieved. And no doubt she is. I just find the gloating tone really jarring. And OP herself admitted in one of her comments that she’s gloating.

I also don’t really like the call to arms. I think while this solution is understandable and sounds like the only option here, it really is nothing to celebrate and should be a last resort (which is the case here but may not be elsewhere which is why encouraging others isn’t great). The OP’s DD is now only going to have a part-time dad because DH will be living in his ex’s house 50% of the time. OP will have far less time with her DH. It’s also really shit for DH having to divide his life up. It sounds unavoidable here but let’s not pretend this is an ideal outcome. Urging others to do the same is not really great, imo. OP said “I’m here to give a voice to kind, well-meaning, powerless women up and down the country who have to swallow all the crap that comes with this awful role to let them know that there is a way out of this shitty situation that doesn’t involve divorcing.” I just don’t think this outcome is something to celebrate or something to encourage others to do. I think it’s the best possible outcome here potentially, but let’s wait and see how it pans out first. But being the best possible outcome still doesn’t mean things have turned out well.

I just feel sad for everyone in this situation.

Kanaloa · 29/12/2022 13:59

ConfusedmumUC · 29/12/2022 13:57

I’d just like to add…

So many people here presuming that poor DSD is the result of a traumatic system she’s been trapped in for years? Why is it presumed that this is the case? Let me tell you from first hand experience that you can provide the most untiring and caring environment, you can do it all right, you can even have the mother doing her bit right on the other side too, and sometimes you just end up with a kid who’s a bloody nightmare and is hellbent on making you miserable!!!

Because the op has said the girl is a result of two parents who don’t set boundaries with her and don’t parent properly. So nobody is presuming - they’re going by what the op has said. Her wonderful husband is a poor parent. The girl has suffered because of this.

JRHartley72 · 29/12/2022 13:59

Kanaloa · 29/12/2022 13:54

Like I get that you feel relieved you don’t need to put up with her bad behaviours any more - I just don’t think you’re fully realising that your ‘wonderful’ husband is to blame, and the SD is taking the fall for his incompetence. You’re desperate to frame it as you standing up for yourself and refusing to be kicked down by society’s expectations of women, but here are women (and girls) suffering because of the incompetence of your husband, a man, who is then labeled wonderful.

This ^.

OP can talk all she wants about her taking a stand on behalf of embattled stepmums everywhere, but it's the poor, enabling, boundary-less parenting of her DH that's led to her own DD7 now facing endless weekends without her dad. That poor kid. She's the one I feel most sorry for in all this mess.

Meanwhile, DSD and her mum must be besides themselves! They've got OP's DH exactly where they want him, feet under the table at their house playing happy families at her own DD's expense. God knows where that will lead.

Livelovebehappy · 29/12/2022 13:59

And there is a step parenting section on mumsnet, where your message would be better placed if, as you say, you want to send out a message to other step mums. But I guess if it’s a bun fight and goadiness you want, then AIBU is definitely the right place…….maybe ask for your post to be moved to somewhere where your rant might help other stepmums?

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 13:59

ConfusedmumUC · 29/12/2022 13:57

I’d just like to add…

So many people here presuming that poor DSD is the result of a traumatic system she’s been trapped in for years? Why is it presumed that this is the case? Let me tell you from first hand experience that you can provide the most untiring and caring environment, you can do it all right, you can even have the mother doing her bit right on the other side too, and sometimes you just end up with a kid who’s a bloody nightmare and is hellbent on making you miserable!!!

That is absolutely true as well. You don't need a bad environment to result in a child with behavioural issues.

I think its been mentioned DSD has some mental health issues and SEN so it complicates her behaviour.

Merrymouse · 29/12/2022 14:00

This is the step parenting section isn’t it?

jlpartnerrs · 29/12/2022 14:00

JFC will you listen to yourselves? "Be kind" ?!?!

Maybe the kindest thing all round is this compromise, The "Child" is 17, very soon they will lose that no consequences cloak of being underage and be expected to behave like an adult - out in the wild.

Being kind sometimes isn't being the nicest person in the room. Being kind sometimes means offering up uncomfortable truths.

Every time some one says "be kind" it makes my teeth itch, it's a particular parochial insult.

KAYMACK · 29/12/2022 14:00

oakleaffy · 29/12/2022 12:16

It's a tiresome Mumsnet acronym.

''Darling step daughter''

They are confusing!

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Thank you. Yes, it is tiresome. And it means you are not really invested in answering the question. I tend to avoid posts with abbreviations, as I always imagine the original writer as a sort of "Shameless" meets "Eastenders" type who left school at 14!

ConfusedmumUC · 29/12/2022 14:00

KettrickenSmiled · 29/12/2022 13:58

Riiiiight.

He couldn't have gone for full or even 50/50 custody, so he had a chance of actually parenting his child, instead of blaming his lack of discipline/boundary-holding on the child's mother?

And when an adult is scared their co-parent might say mean things about them, the optimum response is to kowtow to emotional blackmail & stop enforcing any boundaries for the DC?

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You’ve shown in one message that you have absolutely no grasp on the nuance and intricacies of step parenting, or being a coparent! It just doesn’t work like that, and if you don’t understand that there are often very real repercussions and threats when dad doesn’t do and mum demands then I don’t know what to tell you. The dads walk on eggshells for fear of having it all blow up if they put a foot wrong.

Lilgamesh2 · 29/12/2022 14:01

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 13:49

Labelling me a wicked step mother is a badge I will own and wear with pride because it says so much more about the ignorance of others than it does about me. If taking care of my 7 year old, my mental health and my marriage makes me a wicked step mother I’ll wear it with great pride. Meanwhile society needs to examine what they’re expecting of women.

But what has DSD actually done wrong? specifics I mean, because you have only spoken in general terms.

Mainly I'm just being nosey, but also I suspect if you gave details people may be more sympathetic.

I suspect if you'd been a mother sending her abusive teenager to live with their father you would have got much nicer responses, unfair tho that may seem.

BigglyBee · 29/12/2022 14:01

OP, would your husband be open to getting some professional advice on how best to parent his daughter? It certainly sounds like she needs boundaries, but that isn't going to be easily achieved. Her mother doesn't seem like she will be open to forming a plan together and sticking to it, so it seems all the more important for him to have support and advice. Also, (and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh) he hasn't done so well up to this point, so he may well need someone to tell him exactly what to do in more or less all aspects of his relationship with his daughter. This will probably also benefit you, since he won't be such a wet lettuce when your own child is older.

I sympathise with your feeling of relief, it must have felt endless. But the battle isn't won, and for the best possible result, there is much more work to be done. Not by you, but this girl's parents have both failed her so far and could do so much to help her to adjust and become more able to cope with the world.

Livelovebehappy · 29/12/2022 14:02

Livelovebehappy · 29/12/2022 13:59

And there is a step parenting section on mumsnet, where your message would be better placed if, as you say, you want to send out a message to other step mums. But I guess if it’s a bun fight and goadiness you want, then AIBU is definitely the right place…….maybe ask for your post to be moved to somewhere where your rant might help other stepmums?

Oops! Sorry. Message withdrawn. Just seen it is in SP…….🙄 time for my caffeine fix…

Merrymouse · 29/12/2022 14:02

and sometimes you just end up with a kid who’s a bloody nightmare and is hellbent on making you miserable!!!

And they still needed to be loved and cared for by their parents.

That is why being a step parent is so difficult.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/12/2022 14:03

Kanaloa · 29/12/2022 13:52

I think it’s more like they need to examine what they expect from men. Being a useless and helpless father is almost expected.

The father of this girl (by your own admission) was complicit in not parenting her correctly for all her life, not supporting the needs of his daughter or the younger child in the household. And now he’s happy for his ND daughter, who is what she is because he is the father he is, to be banned from his home by his wife who thinks she’s a ‘basket case.’ But he’s somehow a wonderful husband and father…

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It's hard to understand how OP could witness her wonderful DH's boundaryless parenting for 7 or so years & then decide that it's a great idea to have her own child with him.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 14:03

Lilgamesh2 · 29/12/2022 14:01

But what has DSD actually done wrong? specifics I mean, because you have only spoken in general terms.

Mainly I'm just being nosey, but also I suspect if you gave details people may be more sympathetic.

I suspect if you'd been a mother sending her abusive teenager to live with their father you would have got much nicer responses, unfair tho that may seem.

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I agree. Without the details, most people are left to somehow project their own experiences and assumptions on to this and I think this is where the topic is becoming derailed.
I'm trying to remain quite objective here but must admit that a little more information would lend more sympathy where appropriate.

SpongepantsSquareBob · 29/12/2022 14:04

ConfusedmumUC · 29/12/2022 13:53

Nah, I fully support Op on this one!

You can tell which posters here have never been step parents, let alone a step mother to a child who absolutely breaks your heart, guts out your spirit and attempts, regularly, to destroy your mental well being!

Step parenting is NOT all roses, perfect blended families and wonderfully well adapted children.

Let’s give step mothers the benefit of the doubt for this example and presume they are stable, kind and their heart is in the right place. You have this unspoken societal pressure to be perfect, because inevitably if anything goes wrong it is ALWAYS the step mother who is to blame, always, no exceptions. So from day one, most step mums who are half decent are massively over-trying, if anything. We give ALL the attention, we strive to treat them absolutely equally to our birth children, we are the ones to desperately attempt to calm EVERY situation before a hint of escalation so that we can’t be accused of not caring, not trying, or inevitably being blamed when it blows up.

Some posters here are in the very fortunate position of not knowing how gruelling and draining that is on it’s own, without factoring in the daily basics of actually running a family home and looking after these kids basic needs.

There comes a point for some of us where you realise that no matter what you do, how hard you try, the sacrifices you make, the time these kids spend back at home with the other parent wipes out every dot of the good you try to do. The nasty passing remarks from the ex wife, the mums subtle requests for bits of scandal, picking apart the kids weekend spent with step mum and finding things to make a mockery of, make fun of, belittle. Do you know what that feels like?

And so, about a decade in when you hit the teen years and this step child you have poured your heart and soul into, loved with all you have to give, sacrificed for, driven yourself crazy trying to placate… they turn around and suddenly you see there’s a monster in front of you. In your home. And they’re blaming you for all of it.

Look, I could go on but unless you’ve lived this particular experience you’ve no business on this thread trying to gaslight op about finally taking the steps to say enough is enough.

I hope moving forward @Boundaryqueen1 your home is a peaceful, happy sanctuary full of love and happiness.

This

Spandang · 29/12/2022 14:05

@Boundaryqueen1

We do need to examine what we expect from women.

The issue is that some of us have DSDs and DSSs and we manage to co-parent well.

Some of us have them and we have a challenging relationship with the other parent.

Some of us have wildly different expectations of parenting, boundaries and ambition to the other parent.

Step parents sit in the grey. Some expectations are you’ll step in and raise a child. Some expectations are you’re trying to steal someone’s child. Some expectations are you’re playing at being Mummy or Daddy. Some partners leave the step parent to do the parenting. Some partners do all the parenting and get upset when you do it.

And all the time there’s a third person in your relationship, the other Mum or Dad who has an opinion on everything you do and more besides.

I have two step children. What is my role? No idea. On a day to day basis I can keep them fed, safe and clean. I can do nice things with them. I can do homework with them.

But I don’t consider myself a parent, they have a Mum and they have a Dad. I have zero control over school, doctors, courts, finances, dentists and so forth.

Everyone on this thread is talking about the OP like she’s expected to deliver the earth for a child living in her home. I daresay she’s fulfilled all the basics, fed, safe and clean.

But many of these situations already have Mums and Dads and no one defines what the step parents role is. We’re just stood here in the grey, making it up based on needs, then getting barked at when it’s wrong.

Lampzade · 29/12/2022 14:05

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 13:35

I've noticed at this point on most threads, people just end up arguing their own view points and it all gets very petty. I dont see the point in wasted energy. It's OP'S life and she's lived it. We can agree or disagree with the choice made but being respectful doesn't require us to agree with her.

This

Wiluli · 29/12/2022 14:08

Hearmeout · 29/12/2022 11:54

My friend also did this to her husband DD from a previous relationship and it broke their marriage. (As it would mine if a man did this to my daughter)

It is a weird vibe indeed treating any family member who's brain isn't even fully developed yet as a cuckoo in the nest and launching them away from their parent and sibling.

If your own DD starts being a knob through her teenage years where will you be sending her away to?

I respect your asserting what boundaries are important to you, I just wish you weren't so obnoxious about it.

You can be empathetic and kind and still assertive. Try it.

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I agree , I’m also a step mum to a teen and a now young adult with “ special “ temperaments , as most teens do . It never crossed my mind to ban them from my house or any family events . But I’m assuming OP and her husband did very bad early on as if their own kid is 7 assuming she is with the husband for at least 8 years her step daughter would have been 8 or 9 or yonger when she meet her , If they fail to develop a relationship with her as a young child then it’s 100% on all 3 adults involved and not on the child , furthermore not making sure siblings had a relationship is imo even sadder and extremity wrong .

HowzAboutIt · 29/12/2022 14:09

Boundaryqueen1 · 29/12/2022 13:44

DH has been scared of DSDs mother alienating him if he dares to give consequences for bad behaviour.

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Then he is not "wonderful" @Boundaryqueen1 AT ALL

99% of what you have written I agree with. But not this.

He appears to have allowed himself to be an "anything for an easy life " type of father, and now that decision has had awful consequences for you and your DC. Why dont people learn? Have, set and keep boundaries from when kids are little (even when it is blooming hard) and then things dont get to the level you have had to endure.

He is to blame as much as her mum, despite your backing him. If he had shown his DD that actions = reactions years ago she would not be the person she is now.

Back him if you like, your prerogative, but all you are doing is following the same path he has in not seeing the bigger picture and calling out wrong behaviour.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/12/2022 14:10

ConfusedmumUC · 29/12/2022 14:00

You’ve shown in one message that you have absolutely no grasp on the nuance and intricacies of step parenting, or being a coparent! It just doesn’t work like that, and if you don’t understand that there are often very real repercussions and threats when dad doesn’t do and mum demands then I don’t know what to tell you. The dads walk on eggshells for fear of having it all blow up if they put a foot wrong.

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& you've just proved you are a black & white thinker intent only on dividing the thread into "people who agree with me/OP" & "people who do not".

I've been a stepmother for 4 decades.
HTH

IAmAlreadyRegrettingMyGreyColourScheme · 29/12/2022 14:10

Bloody good for you OP!
DH can still have a relationship with his child without encroaching on you. Sometimes if stepfamilies/parenting isn't working out this is absolutely the best solution for everyone.
Stay firm. Set your boundaries.

Notascoobie · 29/12/2022 14:11

Out of curiosity, just have to ask why bother posting? There’s a lot of ‘I don’t care what you all think” etc in response to people so just wondered why post? This definitely isn’t limited to you or this particular topic. I’m new to MN and just noticed a few posts like this already.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/12/2022 14:12

The dads walk on eggshells for fear of having it all blow up if they put a foot wrong.

If they go for the standard option of choosing not to be Resident Parent or at least 50/50, of course they do, because they have handed all the parenting power to the mother, instead of stepping up & being more engaged & present dads.

Reindeersnooker · 29/12/2022 14:12

Notascoobie · 29/12/2022 14:11

Out of curiosity, just have to ask why bother posting? There’s a lot of ‘I don’t care what you all think” etc in response to people so just wondered why post? This definitely isn’t limited to you or this particular topic. I’m new to MN and just noticed a few posts like this already.

She's already said several times! She thinks it would help another person in similar circumstances!