Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

I don’t doubt that this has been horrific. And I don’t doubt that this decision has come after a very long and difficult period. OP suggests that they have exhausted all possibilities and wants to protect her DD which is both understandable and commendable.

The issue is that DSD is still a child, and a child with SEN. Attributing difficulties to SEN isn’t ableist if it’s true.

I think what’s rankling with a lot of posters is the gleeful tone in your voice OP. And I’m not saying this to be nasty or attack you. I’m sure it’s been a long, hard road - and even if it’s all due to MH issues and SEN, you do still have to protect your own child. But crowing over your victory and posting to encourage others to do the same really feels unpleasant. This is actually a sad moment. It’s a moment when you recognise that you’re having to give up on a vulnerable child who’s struggling. It might well be the right decision, but this really isn’t a moment of celebration.

For transparency, I am autistic and so are my DC.

It sounds like you've done the right thing for yourself and the family. Well done for stepping back without trying to come between dad and daughter. Not that you would.

Firstly, I’m not projecting! Try to recognise when someone is recounting something!

You need to get that forest-sized chip off your shoulder!

You say that you played with a very young child. How was she supposed to earn your respect? What saintly standard is this that we are holding very young children to?

Have you ever tried to feel warmly disposed towards someone who gets off on making your life a misery? Well, of course I have! My godawful stepmother!

But, you were the adult here. Clearly, your H and you either didn’t communicate childrearing expectations or you didn’t try to guide your DSD at all, because if you had, then BM could say what she liked, but your actions would put the lie to her words.

Would a stepfather be expected to take weekly abuse and threats to his safety for years on end? Well, yes! Do you actually think that there aren’t stepfathers having to parent difficult children in difficult situations? How very naïve you are!

Your stepdaughter has mental health issues/is neurodiverse but you state in previous posts that this “is no excuse” for bad behaviour. With all due respect, do you actually know how to parent an ND child? Because it doesn’t sound like you do! And it also doesn’t sound like you reached out to any professionals such as the SENCO at SD’s school for advice and guidance.

And to try to wash your hands of the responsibility that comes with stepparenting? You don’t come across as a very caring or nurturing person and I can only pray that your own DD is as perfect a child as you think you deserve!

Yes. I have adult children who knew how to behave when they were teenagers. So no need for a ban to be contemplated. What a strange question.

No need to feel sorry for them. We are all very happy and enjoying life.

Frankly it sounds like an excellent workable solution – DSD gets to stay in her primary residence full time, DH can have time with her there, while her DM stays with her partner… except what message does that send your DD7 that her dad is leaving her to live with his other DD every weekend, or every other weekend? How are you framing it to her, OP?

I get why you sound so gleeful in your posts though, you're clearly at the end of your rope. It doesn't come across well and does make you sound like the vile, "wicked stepmother" you don't want to be labelled as, and that's why so many posters are rallying to your DSD's defence. But clearly you don't care!

I was just thinking- I bet your DD is breathing a sigh of relief, though? Poor thing being bullied at home and this must have really been affecting her. Instead of focusing in the DSD who can go back to her mother's house, surely little one will be feeling a bit better in herself. DD really got the rough end of her abuse by the sounds of it.

DH has been scared of DSDs mother alienating him if he dares to give consequences for bad behaviour.

The problem is that your responsibilities and duties are very different to your husband’s.

Respect needs to be earned but parental love doesn’t. It can be true both that you have a right to protect yourself and your daughter from his daughter, and that he shouldn’t just be delegating all her care to her mother.

It doesn't read like glee. It reads like relief and a move towards personal survival.

You go girl! I am 100% with you.

I wish I had taken this stance years ago, instead of running myself and my MH into the ground.

big love x x

I don’t actually care how I sound to you lot. Im not running for president! I’m here to give a voice to kind, well-meaning, powerless women up and down the country who have to swallow all the crap that comes with this awful role to let them know that there is a way out of this shitty situation that doesn’t involve divorcing.

Labelling me a wicked step mother is a badge I will own and wear with pride because it says so much more about the ignorance of others than it does about me. If taking care of my 7 year old, my mental health and my marriage makes me a wicked step mother I’ll wear it with great pride. Meanwhile society needs to examine what they’re expecting of women.

To be fair, some of "us lot" have been very understanding and see your point of view. I just think it's more of a sad occasion and I have sympathy for all those suffering and in pain, regardless of choices that have to be made. Hence I feel ultimately there are no winners in this perceived victory.

You don't sound kind, that's the issue! I'm not knocking you, btw, I think what you're doing sounds sensible and I don't blame you for voicing your relief vociferously. But how are you framing it to your DD7 that Daddy is going to be moving out every weekend/EOW to stay with his other DD?

Actually we have just had her for a whole week. Without notice her mother decided this. What a joyful Christmas it’s been for all.

This is my point!

How can your DH live in her home for half the week when you have given many examples of her behaviour.

You say she’ll be at her partners house when he stays over for half the week - yet just recently she changed the rules and without notice left her DD at yours for the whole week.

Do you not think this is going to happen when your DH is living at hers?

She’s either going to take the piss by not coming back for a while or she’s not going to go to her partners and stay with your DH because you’ve said yourself how she wants to end your marriage.

This is not going to work.

You are being taken for a complete mug here and it’s not by your DSD or her mum.

I think it’s more like they need to examine what they expect from men. Being a useless and helpless father is almost expected.

The father of this girl (by your own admission) was complicit in not parenting her correctly for all her life, not supporting the needs of his daughter or the younger child in the household. And now he’s happy for his ND daughter, who is what she is because he is the father he is, to be banned from his home by his wife who thinks she’s a ‘basket case.’ But he’s somehow a wonderful husband and father…

to let them know that there is a way out of this shitty situation that doesn’t involve divorcing.

But that isn’t what you have shown. The child is still just 17 and your husband’s daughter your ultimatum isn’t sustainable.

Nah, I fully support Op on this one!

You can tell which posters here have never been step parents, let alone a step mother to a child who absolutely breaks your heart, guts out your spirit and attempts, regularly, to destroy your mental well being!

Step parenting is NOT all roses, perfect blended families and wonderfully well adapted children.

Let’s give step mothers the benefit of the doubt for this example and presume they are stable, kind and their heart is in the right place. You have this unspoken societal pressure to be perfect, because inevitably if anything goes wrong it is ALWAYS the step mother who is to blame, always, no exceptions. So from day one, most step mums who are half decent are massively over-trying, if anything. We give ALL the attention, we strive to treat them absolutely equally to our birth children, we are the ones to desperately attempt to calm EVERY situation before a hint of escalation so that we can’t be accused of not caring, not trying, or inevitably being blamed when it blows up.

Some posters here are in the very fortunate position of not knowing how gruelling and draining that is on it’s own, without factoring in the daily basics of actually running a family home and looking after these kids basic needs.

There comes a point for some of us where you realise that no matter what you do, how hard you try, the sacrifices you make, the time these kids spend back at home with the other parent wipes out every dot of the good you try to do. The nasty passing remarks from the ex wife, the mums subtle requests for bits of scandal, picking apart the kids weekend spent with step mum and finding things to make a mockery of, make fun of, belittle. Do you know what that feels like?

And so, about a decade in when you hit the teen years and this step child you have poured your heart and soul into, loved with all you have to give, sacrificed for, driven yourself crazy trying to placate… they turn around and suddenly you see there’s a monster in front of you. In your home. And they’re blaming you for all of it.

Look, I could go on but unless you’ve lived this particular experience you’ve no business on this thread trying to gaslight op about finally taking the steps to say enough is enough.

I hope moving forward @Boundaryqueen1 your home is a peaceful, happy sanctuary full of love and happiness.

Again. I don’t care if I don’t sound kind. Sounding kind to a bunch of strangers who neither know or love me doesn’t even register on my things I give a shit about-ometer.
10 years ago I could have really done with reading a thread like this so..

Like I get that you feel relieved you don’t need to put up with her bad behaviours any more - I just don’t think you’re fully realising that your ‘wonderful’ husband is to blame, and the SD is taking the fall for his incompetence. You’re desperate to frame it as you standing up for yourself and refusing to be kicked down by society’s expectations of women, but here are women (and girls) suffering because of the incompetence of your husband, a man, who is then labeled wonderful.

Unfortunately, your dsd is probably damaged as a result of her fractured family set up. There are always consequences to a marriage breakdown, usually to the detriment of the children involved. I’m not saying a couple should stay together if miserable for the sake of the child, but they should at least understand why a child from a broken home behaves like they do. Maybe courses to educate step parents on how to navigate through the trauma left behind when a child is caught up in the middle of toxic ‘blended’ families? At least they could go into a relationship with a guy who has children with open eyes, instead of committing then whining afterwards?

Thank you, I can completely hear that you understand. I hope the same for you.

Crikey OP sounds awful.

I adore my step mum. She protected me when I realised my mum was bat shit. And she took me in under her wing. I love love love her. Her patience with me was out of this world.

Maybe your DSD will too one day realise that her own mum is toxic. And she may just realise she has been used as a weapon just like I was and that the majority of what she's been told are lies (just like what I did!).

My own mum told me to steal from my step mum and then forced me to lie over and over again. Horrid. I was 17.5 when I realised I was being used.

Good luck x

I’d just like to add…

So many people here presuming that poor DSD is the result of a traumatic system she’s been trapped in for years? Why is it presumed that this is the case? Let me tell you from first hand experience that you can provide the most untiring and caring environment, you can do it all right, you can even have the mother doing her bit right on the other side too, and sometimes you just end up with a kid who’s a bloody nightmare and is hellbent on making you miserable!!!

Riiiiight.

He couldn't have gone for full or even 50/50 custody, so he had a chance of actually parenting his child, instead of blaming his lack of discipline/boundary-holding on the child's mother?

And when an adult is scared their co-parent might say mean things about them, the optimum response is to kowtow to emotional blackmail & stop enforcing any boundaries for the DC?