Had enough. Banning DSD and her mother from my home.

[Boundaryqueen1]

Years of trying. Years of my kindness being taken for granted. Years of anguish. They’d be over the moon if they’d split my marriage up. Not happening. As of now, I am divorcing DSD and her mother permanently they are not to enter my house and it feels great. Have boundaries ladies. It’s not all on you and it never should have been. 🙌🏻

I find it quite sickening to see that some people think that one child is more important than the other because she is lucky enough to live in one home with both her parents.

The eldest child having two homes isn’t the solution to this problem, it’s the cause of it!

No my DH is a wonderful, patient husband and father and despite all attempts from DSD’s mother to alienate him he has take oceans of crap to show up for DSD every step of the way. He too is ready to put his foot down.

Not much of a discussion anyway is it? OP decided she wants to ban the child from the home and wants to gloat about her "boundary setting" - not much room for a sensible conversation.

No wonder there are so many troubled kids and adults when parents and step parents who should never be near children exist.

Who are all these people who can afford to maintain two homes AND pay child maintenance to a third home?

Presumably OP’s DH will ensure the CM he pays for DSD reflects that she is now in her mum’s home 7/7 and also reflects that he may stay there on nights that his ex is at her partner’s.

Surely it’s more sickening that you refuse to acknowledge that a 7yo is vulnerable to a violent and dangerous 17yo sibling?

I don’t understand why you are blaming your husband’s dd, it sounds as though he is the crap parent. And I don’t get why haven’t you put boundaries in place yourself before now? I already asked this question upthread. My dd’s friend has boundaries imposed / her mobile removed etc as per my comment upthread.

The ex isn’t there when he is there. She’s with her partner.

This is the same ex that has been banned from their home as OP says she’s a boundary-less bully and wants to split their marriage up.

Yet it’s a good idea to sleep in her bed, use her shower/cooker/electric/food etc and think that she’s not going to cause issues or it’s not going to confuse his children.

As a SM and a parent of a DD on the spectrum and an older child who had significant mental health issues as a teenager who s DH is a SP to her the language you have used to describe your SD is absolutely disgusting and nothing to be celebrated.

What exactly has your DH done to support his daughter and his youngest child? Family therapy? Support groups? Implemented coping strategies in your home?

I dont see the absolute implosion of a family unit anything to be proud of when it involves a vulnerable teenager and a young child. But go you!

You said further up her behaviour is a result of parents who didn’t set boundaries. Why are you married to such a shit parent?

You've clearly reached the end of your tether OP. None of us will ever know just how bad life must have got for you to decide that your SD is banned from your home. It can't have been an easy decision but you do have to consider your and your own child's safety. Is this a decision that you and your DH have come together jointly on? Does he feel any responsibility for the situation ending up like it has? Was there anything he could have done to have made the situation easier as time went on and your SD's behaviour deteriorated or was he just sticking his head in the sand thinking it would all go away?

From what I can gather, your DH intends to move into his ex's home to stay with SD for a few days each week and on those few days, his ex will stay at her new partners; so your DH and his ex aren't living in the same house together with SD? If his ex splits with her partner, DH and ex will end up living together for a few days every week? And what happens when she's an adult; your DH and his ex will have to make a few more decisions/changes at that point.

Many parents get to a stage with their own kids that 'enough is enough' and turf their kids out and it's normally called 'tough love'
When it's step kids & parents, the parents are labelled 'wicked'. Op, you're doing the right thing. DSD clearly knows no boundaries and has to learn there are consequences to their actions.

He already pays her the amount which reflects DSDs mother has her full time. Despite the fact he has DSD 50% because he is a good man.

Not really, two parents, two children. Keep them apart.

How do you think families with children whose SN causes violence cope with it? They don’t throw their vulnerable children out of their own homes. At least OP and her DH have only had to cope with it for half the week.

DSD is 17. Is a liar, a thief, a fantastic manipulator, unkind, dangerous, unfriendly, impolite, lazy, violent and like her mother- a basket case. DH will continue to see DSD and take care of her but in her mother’s home. In that way, he and DSD still see one another. DSD’s mother gets a rest from the endless stream of bs that DSD produces and there can be no lies told about what happened at dad’s or on dad’s weekends. Perfect solution - plus DH is protecting me and our DD from being threatened and bullied within our own home.

When it gets to this stage after years of trying though - what more can people possibly expect you to do? How much more should you be expected to take?

You wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour from ANYONE ELSE in your own home. Just because it’s a SC behaving like this that does not give them cart blanche to carry on and expect others to suck it up and accept it. A 17 yr old should know better FGS. She now has to accept the consequences.

Well done for taking a stand OP.

Presumably OP’s DH will ensure the CM he pays for DSD reflects that she is now in her mum’s home 7/7 and also reflects that he may stay there on nights that his ex is at her partner’s.

So he should pay less maintenance or more maintenance?

Surely he’ll have to pay more maintenance and he’ll have to contribute towards the bills of his exes home considering he’s living there half the week.

Therefore it’ll probably work out cheaper that he rents his own place.

As a single parent I am able to afford the rent on my own, so I can’t see why other parents can’t do this.

The relationship is already over and the ex is going to make sure of it, so they’ll have to have 2 homes eventually anyway.

Another thread where as soon as 'stepmum' gets mentioned, we must all wring our hands, clutch our pearls and 'think of the child'.
Amazing the hate stepmums get! Has anyone asked if you were the OW yet? Or demanded that 'you knew what you were getting into when you married a man with kids'.
OP has thought of the child, hers. the one being bullied by her sister. I applaud OP and her DH for coming up with a solution that means both children are safe, cared for and have time with both parents.

My mental health has long been impacted by DSC and their mother playing games and manipulating. I totally understand why you've done this. It can;t have been an easy decision but it sounds like the best plan. Good luck and please don't listen to posters claiming you are evil. You're not, you're simply putting yourself first. Top marks to your DH for being big enough to acknowledge this!

And reading what the mother and dsd have put @Boundaryqueen1, her dd and the DH through is it any wonder that SM snap?

newsflash, allow bitterness and vitriol to pervade your life, allow the kids to pick up on the parent’s manipulation and narcissistic behaviour and DONT be surprised when nobody wants to spend time with them if they can possibly avoid it.

note that in this family, the ex’s new partner won’t live with her because of the dsd behaviour. So why the need to lambast op when there IS an acceptable solution.

@Boundaryqueen1 is right to feel pleased that this solution has been found.

hats off to her for sticking with it for as long as she has done.

Wonderful that you’re so perfect. Gold star.

Am also confused. 17 is old to be thinking about boundaries. They need to be in place over the years.

Well I think you are the only one who knows the full situation here, OP. You clearly have been through a lot with your DSD and it does sound like you have done your best to provide a loving and safe environment for her.
You mentioned you had an awful step mother and I believe you when you say you tried to do the opposite.
It's very easy for any of us to have an opinion when we are not in the situation you are in and i honestly can not say what i would do in your position. It sounds very difficult.
I myself have had a step sister who I am no longer in contact with and was very abusive in many ways. She also has mental health issues- although I think its more so personality disordered traits. I dont doubt she has mental health issues and when I would feel sorry for her, she would use me to get back in to my life and honestly tried to destroy me due to her jealousy. The mental health issues made me feel extremely sorry for her but after a while, i realised i couldn't be her punch bag abd I was 13 yrs her junior. I'm the kind of person that wants to please others and see the best in them no matter what and in the end I had to cut ties. So sad.

I completely get it. And I get it when people sit from far away and make passing comments. Unless someone has been in your shoes then none of us can really judge.

I think you are putting your DD first and she is only 7, compared to a 17 year old. I dont know the ins and outs but I do hope everything works out for you.

I also hope your DSD is supported via her father and mother and gets help for her mental health issues and is able to find a better way to function. All in all no winners in this situation is what I sense deep down but you have to do what you have to do.

At 17? That's parental neglect.

And no it's not tough love. It's punishing your kids for your own shit parenting that got them to that point.

It's using the power/control you have (financial, owning the property) to get the outcome you want. While your 17 year old child has very little power in this relationship.

It's pathetic, it's not the right thing & it's truly shocking. If you can't parent, don't have kids. If you're just going to opt out when it gets difficult, don't have kids. Easy. Not everyone is suited to be a parental figure.

Bad luck @Miajk - I am neither a parent nor step parent so no point setting your targets on me. However from an impartial observer, the amount of unnecessary spite directed at the OP by you and some other posters is really striking.

As a pp says above - this thread is enough to scare me away from ever getting involved with anyone with children. It seems the stepmum just cannot win in the eyes of some whatever she may do.

Your ‘wonderful husband’ being one of those parents.

I agree with you OP. Just wondering if DSD sorts her attitude etc hopefully as she gets a bit older would you reconsider?

We should acknowledge the stress they feel a lot and their parents should do everything to support them. If step-parents feel they are able to and are supported to then they can also choose to.

In many cases, Stepmums WANT to help and support but aren't able to because of all sorts of reasons which aren't within their control.

OP clearly hasn't made this situation lightly. She deserves to feel physically and emotionally safe in her home.