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Original poster

Ex prioritising new gf at Christmas!

114 replies

Lou55xxx · 19/12/2022 08:33

I've been split from my ex for 3 years & the first two christmases we spent as a family opening presents together as it's what's best for our kids. They have a lovely time (5 & 8). We coparent well. However in Feb this year he got a new gf. Kids met her in the summer. Everything seems fine but he's just told me that this Christmas he wants to do things separately. He said I can them Christmas Day and he will have them Boxing Day as his wants the kids to spend some time with his new gf at Christmas. Im just a bit shocked as I know this wouldn't be coming from him.

How do I approach this? My kids will be so upset.

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 19/12/2022 11:30

To be honest I think the way you were doing it was set up to fail from the start as it was only ever going to be a short term thing. Its very confusing for the children too, I think your ex's solution is very fair. He hasnt asked for them on Christmas day itself yet.

bluepen12 · 19/12/2022 11:56

Shgytfgtf111 · 19/12/2022 11:30

To be honest I think the way you were doing it was set up to fail from the start as it was only ever going to be a short term thing. Its very confusing for the children too, I think your ex's solution is very fair. He hasnt asked for them on Christmas day itself yet.

I agree with this.
It must be so confusing for children.

You need to move on too.

mondaytosunday · 19/12/2022 11:57

It was hardly going to continue forever was it? Either one of you was inevitably going to find a new partner, and now he has, so that's me for new and separate traditions.

CharlotteRose90 · 19/12/2022 12:04

It’s time to move on. You got 2 years and now it’s time to make new traditions for all of you. He has started a new family and with respect you need to accept it. What happens if and when they have kids they won’t be coming to yours. Kids adapt quickly. I had 2 Christmases with my family and I liked it. 2 lots of presents, 2 lots of families and time with my siblings on both sides.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 19/12/2022 12:06

Shgytfgtf111 · 19/12/2022 11:30

To be honest I think the way you were doing it was set up to fail from the start as it was only ever going to be a short term thing. Its very confusing for the children too, I think your ex's solution is very fair. He hasnt asked for them on Christmas day itself yet.

Was about to say exactly this.

The children will be fine, IMO they prefer clear boundaries anyway.

Sellorkeep · 19/12/2022 13:56

What a confusing set-up for the children. Focus your co-parenting on actual co-parenting on stuff that really counts such as school and medical stuff rather than fake family stuff that gives little ones hope of reunion.

declutteringmymind · 19/12/2022 14:04

I think maybe say to him that's fine but you are more than welcome to pop in for Xmas presents if you can.

Yup. Things change, people move on.

MariaVon · 19/12/2022 17:59

Allow him to build a new life, they are including your kids - which is great. It must be painful for you. Kids get double pressies - they'll love being spoilt twice! Kids adapt so quickly, could this be more about you and your feelings? Plan something nice for boxing day to look forward to, try and allow yourself to move on a bit. Message sent with love.x x

funinthesun19 · 19/12/2022 19:51

Well, I’m in your ex’s shoes but I just don’t have a new boyfriend. I want to spend Christmas separately, but since we split 3 years ago he’s been spending it here with us. It’s too much. And I can almost guarantee that if I met someone serious it would be the nail in the coffin.

funinthesun19 · 19/12/2022 19:54

And it’s not about your ex prioritising his new gf. It’s about him building his new life separate from you. When parents split up, they usually have two separate lives and there’s nothing wrong with that including Christmas.
I’ve already said this year I was to do things differently. Eg I’m not cooking Christmas dinner this year for him and I’m going to my parents’ with the kids to have it.

amiold · 19/12/2022 19:58

I think he wants to start making memories with his new life. New partner and having kids over at his. He's not asking for half of Christmas Day so think he's been reasonable

I imagine he's just happy and it's not a reflection on you or the kids. It had to end sooner or later.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2022 20:00

Good for you @funinthesun19 I hope you and your children have a really happy lovely Christmas at your mum’s ☺️

daisyjgrey · 19/12/2022 20:23

the first two christmases we spent as a family opening presents together as it's what's best for our kids

....is it?

funinthesun19 · 19/12/2022 21:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2022 20:00

Good for you @funinthesun19 I hope you and your children have a really happy lovely Christmas at your mum’s ☺️

Thank you 😊. I’ve been called a selfish bitch in RL but hey ho.

MrsMontyD · 19/12/2022 21:54

You must have known that arrangement wasn't going to be forever, one of you was going to start a new relationship eventually.

Can you imagine being in a relationship and your boyfriend goes off to spend Christmas Day with his exwife?

LaDamaDeElche · 20/12/2022 07:51

There are a few people who can do family stuff together indefinitely after a split, however those people are few and far between. With new partners, blended families etc, it’s more normal to have spectate things, unless you want to invite his girlfriend or any future wife he has and would be happy for him to do this when you have another relationship, I think it’s just something you and your kids have to accept.

LaDamaDeElche · 20/12/2022 07:52

*separate not spectacle!

Ocrumbs · 20/12/2022 07:55

This probably should have been discussed a bit earlier in the year. But it is normal and probably even quite healthy for it to move to split christmases at this age. The kids will still be adjusting to the idea that no mummy and daddy are not getting back together. And this might help.

Ocrumbs · 20/12/2022 07:57

He said I can them Christmas Day and he will have them Boxing Day as his wants the kids to spend some time with his new gf at Christmas

This seems sensible as the kids will then have next Christmas with the new girlfriend who they will know a bit better then. Also means you get to have them Christmas day which will be nice for you.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 20/12/2022 08:09

FleasNavidad · 19/12/2022 09:37

Your kids love it because they think you might get back together. It's too confusing for them to process and you should be having separate Christmas. It's a good thing.

I agree. The kids love it as they think that mummy and daddy may get back together. They also don't know any different.
Really, you should've had separate xmases from the start. You can successfully co-parent without lying to the kids and giving them false hope.

Tigger7654 · 20/12/2022 08:25

Much though you may not want to hear it, it is very likely to be coming from him just as much as the new GF. He's not prioritising her, he's moving on with his life and putting in alternative solutions that keeps everyone happy. He's giving you Christmas day without a fight about it or wanting to split it but will make his day with the kids on boxing day extra special. It really is the best solution, it would be wierd for him to come to you and play happy families after all this time, especially if he's with someone else.

He wants to build new traditions and that's ok, you need to do that too. Start thinking about how your Christmas with your kids will be moving forward, just you and them X

Scalottia · 20/12/2022 08:30

Joint Christmas after separating is not normal, and it simply confuses children in my opinion. And why is it the new GF's fault? Maybe your ex thinks it is better this way (which it is).

C14 · 20/12/2022 08:45

I think it’s nice that he hasn’t battled with you for Christmas Day and has offered you that straight off the bat.
It‘s great that you had two Christmas together but that was never going to be sustainable long term. Like others have said would you want him around if you met someone new like he has?
I don’t think it’s only come from the girlfriend but if she did have an opinion than it’s not unreasonable for her to want to spend Christmas with her boyfriend and it’s nice that they want to include the children too.

user85747 · 20/12/2022 08:54

This happened to us when my dad met my step mum, my parents cordially did Christmas together up to that point. Despite rationally understanding now as an adult, I'm still really quite resentful! It meant a lot to me when I was younger. Christmases were never the same after that and I hated moving between 2 homes. My dad lost out most of all though, we stopped going eventually and used to go for a meal in the between period instead. I haven't spent a Christmas Day with him since.

Ocrumbs · 20/12/2022 08:56

user85747 · 20/12/2022 08:54

This happened to us when my dad met my step mum, my parents cordially did Christmas together up to that point. Despite rationally understanding now as an adult, I'm still really quite resentful! It meant a lot to me when I was younger. Christmases were never the same after that and I hated moving between 2 homes. My dad lost out most of all though, we stopped going eventually and used to go for a meal in the between period instead. I haven't spent a Christmas Day with him since.

Yes but unfortunately that is what happens when family's split. It's better than the parents living together when the relationship is over

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