Ex prioritising new gf at Christmas!

[Lou55xxx]

I've been split from my ex for 3 years & the first two christmases we spent as a family opening presents together as it's what's best for our kids. They have a lovely time (5 & 8). We coparent well. However in Feb this year he got a new gf. Kids met her in the summer. Everything seems fine but he's just told me that this Christmas he wants to do things separately. He said I can them Christmas Day and he will have them Boxing Day as his wants the kids to spend some time with his new gf at Christmas. Im just a bit shocked as I know this wouldn't be coming from him.

How do I approach this? My kids will be so upset.

I understand that maybe this is making you feel excluded and maybe you have an image of them all doing the family things with their dad and his gf instead of you. Could you go to someone else on Boxing day, find a distraction, try to enjoy the day. It's not a nice feeling, I know. This is all just a progression and not necessarily a bad one. Your children will get two lovely days.

Agree with all the comments that this is fair and a normal progression. It’s great that you did joint Christmas Days while your DC were very young, but it makes sense to change this now he’s in a serious relationship.

But I do think he should have given you a lot more notice. Changing Christmas Day plans the week before is not nice.

Totally understand the change hurts for you but would recommend you go out of your way to be positive for/with DC about this.

Yeah totally normal.

The way you phrase it though is that it's her that's making all these changes and taking him away from you. Try not think like that.

I actually think this is a really nice way to do it. Op why don't you invite the gf?

When my ex found himself a new gf, he would still come over very early Christmas Day to watch DD open her presents.
She would then join us for breakfast and then they would bugger off.
I'm sure you're not at the stage where she could come for breakfast, but unless he lives miles away why can't he be there when the kids open their presents?
Btw 15 years on, same gf, she now comes to the present opening and breakfast, and says it is the best part of Christmas Day...although they don't have children, and me and her get on really well

You can't expect this from everyone, it's the exception not the rule.

It's also not a given that having both parents together on Christmas is the best thing for the kids, as many people have said on here. Why should the adults have a shit day feeling uncomfortable to provide something for the kids that could just confuse and upset them, or they could be just as happy seeing their other parent the next day and spreading out the fun.

@aSofaNearYou
Agreed, it blurs boundaries for everyone

It sounds like you had a very amicable split and co-parent well together., which is fantastic for your children.
If you don't make it a big deal, they won't. The only thing that would piss me off is the short notice if you have brought food etc.

Agree with what almost everyone else has already said - what he's doing is normal, and if anything doing Xmas day together for the kids is confusing for them. You really should have moved on a long time ago.

I would be upset about the girlfriend being there.

I think it’s too soon and they should be spending the time with their dad, especially when it’s a special occasion.

However, I would not be upset about him wanting to spend Xmas day separately.

I think this is a good choice and it was inevitable that it was going to happen eventually.
You can be good co-parents without needing to do things together.

Your kids will love having 2 christmas days.

Christmas is emotive. I suspect you are upset at losing control over your children’s Christmas. Having done it together since separation presumably means that he joined in for the bits of Christmas that you allowed him to, but it was Christmas done your way.

I’m not even saying that judgementally really. Family Christmases are very often facilitated and organised by mothers and father get to coast along and grab the glory without the effort. so it’s not a surprise if that’s what happened in your life too.

Things have changed though. You can still do Christmas Day your way and he’ll do Boxing Day at his house. All lovely. You won’t have any control over that and they will come up with traditions and things you wouldn’t have. That’s OK.

it might be hard to accept at first, but this is how Christmas goes post separation. It would be unreasonable to expect him to send the next decade or so just fitting in with your Christmas. Indeed, it’s likely that at some point you’d reach a point where playing happily families for Christmas with your ex doesn’t fit into your plans either. It’s just he got there first.

Make a plan for your Boxing Day. Do something. Embrace the Christmas you get with your children and be happy that their dad is making some effort to do them a celebration on Boxing Day.

It is all fine.

I don’t agree that inviting the girlfriend to Christmas the OP’s way is a great idea.

It sounds quite controlling to me (even if dressed up as all inclusive and child-centred, it’s still a means to ensure it’s always Christmas with their mother in control of what happens, when and how) and prevents the ex from moving on and setting his own traditions with his new partner. its healthy that he is looking to
do this.

My love, with all due respect, he's moved on. He wants some time with his new girlfriend. You're not really a family unit anymore, I know its hard to let go of but please dont make a scene in front of your children and make sure not to bash the new girlfriend in front of your little ones. Me and my ex do alternating Christmases: For example if he has them Christmas Eve and Day, I have them Boxing day and New Years Eve. But they live with me Primarily because of school

It's heartbreaking, I really do feel for you, it threw me for a loop ehen my ex found a new partner. All that matters is she loves my kids and my kids are happy. You can do this. You say you co-parent well. This is a type of co-parenting. Like I said. It's heartbreaking: But you can manage it

Me and my ex spend Christmas and kids birthdays together- it's not weired or confusing for my children (although they are older so that might help) .

I have a bf and he's going to spend time with his ex and thier (older ) children. If people don't want to that's fine but I don't know why people are making such a big deal about those that choose to.

It’s not weird if you both chose to what is weird is being annoyed when the ex no longer wants to! And moaning that he is “prioritising his girlfriend” surely he is allowed to move on? And no don’t invite her ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm afraid like most people on here you just have to accept that's how it goes when you split up in most cases and certainly when you meet other people- so you emphasise the positive .

I know this might sound bad but really this is just moving on, it wasn’t a solution that could be for ever, you just have to say to the children they will be having two special days, if you reverse the roles and you were the girlfriend you would of course want to spend Christmas with your boyfriend and not want him playing happy families.

If you were the one who’d moved on and had a new partner you’d probably want to do the same. It’s normal, pretending things haven’t changed but only at Christmas isn’t normal and is confusing for children.

He’s said you can have the whole of Christmas Day, he didn’t have to do that. Next year you can and should swap so he has Christmas and you have Boxing Day. You each get to make new traditions with the children and they get two celebrations.

He should have brought this up before now but you don’t say when he suggested it so maybe you’re just coming to terms with it. Be pragmatic and don’t turn it into an unnecessary bun fight. He’s not doing anything wrong and you’re being very unfair blaming his decision on his girlfriend.

Agreed and given her comment at the end of her post insinuating that the change in xmas plans was coming from the gf it seems there's some animosity there. The GF being there would just make things awkward.

I think his proposal is fine and perfectly normal. I wonder if her desire to have xmas as a family is truly just for the kids or if there is still some hope there that they'll be a family again. If so it definitely makes sense to have separate xmass. Perhaps there have been things said that make the gf uncomfortable with him spending xmas with his ex. Also, it's their first xmas together, of course she's not going to want to be cast to he can play happy families with the ex.

Your not going to get much sympathy on the step-parenting board. When family dynamics change, it's important to consider everyone involved and not just the children. The GF is entitled to spend xmas with her partner just as the kids are.

Surely you knew this would happen once either of you got a new partner? What if he has a child with her too? It’s just not sustainable… best to start the ‘two Christmases’ as the norm asap

Whilst I think it’s fine to have separate Christmases from now on for all the reasons others have said, I think it’s not ok for your ex to have announced this in Christmas week. Maybe he’s known for ages that this was his plan but just didn’t tell you - for whatever reason.

This is all his decision tho - not the GF. I wouldn’t give yourself any more grief by blaming her. Even if she is completely horrendous it’s still his decision- not her decision.

I think the gentlest path for you, and therefore the kids, is to accept all your feelings about this situation but then move forward with some different Xmas plans.

@Octo5 A relationship of nearly a year (which includes 6 months+ of the children knowing & spending time with the GF) surely isn't too soon to be spending holidays together!! 😂

It will be hard for you but best to all move on now. At least he is letting you have your DC on Xmas day. My exh always agreed kids came to him for Boxing day and I had them Xmas day. It was the one decent thing he did because I know he would not have organised their stocking presents for them and just used to hand me money to get stuff for them.

I think you need to reframe it otherwise your children WILL be upset. It's not prioritising the gf, it's moving onto the next stage. Nothing wrong with spending it all together but equally, nothing wrong with not. They'll take their cues from you though so you'd want to frame it in a positive light. Two Christmases. Yay! More people to celebrate with? Yay!

Sorry but it’s normal and healthy for things to move forwards like this. Surely you must see that if either you or your ex are to maintain new relationships then you can’t do Christmas Day together like this indefinitely.

Your children will see your behaviour in this situation as a guide for their own, so your reaction is key here. If you are positive about this then your children will be too. Don’t paint him as the bad guy for normal healthy behaviour, it’s the arrangement that most coparents have.

My kids love that they get 2 Christmas mornings - as do my step kids!

I think you’re absolutely nuts to expect that he would spend Christmas Day with you every year - this isn’t prioritising the new GF, this is simply moving on and he is still coparenting well by having the kids part of the day. You are making this all about you.