Ex prioritising new gf at Christmas!

[Lou55xxx]

I've been split from my ex for 3 years & the first two christmases we spent as a family opening presents together as it's what's best for our kids. They have a lovely time (5 & 8). We coparent well. However in Feb this year he got a new gf. Kids met her in the summer. Everything seems fine but he's just told me that this Christmas he wants to do things separately. He said I can them Christmas Day and he will have them Boxing Day as his wants the kids to spend some time with his new gf at Christmas. Im just a bit shocked as I know this wouldn't be coming from him.

How do I approach this? My kids will be so upset.

Yes but unfortunately that is what happens when family's split. It's better than the parents living together when the relationship is over

I realise that, but it's shit for the kids, and it's even shitter when you've got amicably split parents who manage really well but it all has to change when there is a partner. Not saying they did anything wrong, but it was us who lost out.

You probably wouldn't feel like this if your parents hadn't played happily families when they split though. If they'd have split Xmas day from the start you wouldnt have had this weird ideal that they should spend the day together.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou maybe so, but it's hard to not resent the step mum when my parents would have carried on (and dad would have done it still if step mum was happy) My mum would still do it even with step dad in the picture, but my step mum was a single mum with no dad in the picture and said it wasn't right he was with his ex wife (I do get that, I do) but it was perfectly fine for him to be with someone else's kids and not his own. That's ok isn't it...

You have no idea what your dad would have done in reality. You're resenting your poor step mum for behaving absolutely normally. Your parents have pretended to be together for you and you've thrown your toys out when they stopped doing that even though it's totally normal. They have done this to you. Nobody else.

It is okay to spend Christmas with your partner, yes and if they have kids of course that's fine. Having another Christmas on boxing day is normal. My parents split the day so morning with one family and afternoon with the other. Again, fine. And yes my dad has spent Christmas with my step sister and because I know the world doesn't revolve around me I understand that.

You're being incredibly selfish.

This sounds like classic blaming the stepparent rather than the parents stuff though. Your dad moved on and you resent his wife (?) for it.

By any chance did your mother handle this change with bitterness and resentment? Because that is probably the key determinant of whether the children see something as ‘Shit’.

If your parents had framed it differently for you, you might be one of the many adults who say it was great that they got two
christmases/more presents/whatever.

Loads of people move between houses on Christmas Day. In nuclear families as often as other family types. They might visit both sets of grandparents. Or start out at home and then go to someone else’s house for dinner. Or various other things. In those situations people definitely don’t frame moving between houses negatively. Quite the opposite, often.

It sounds like the choice for your dad was to play happy families at his ex’s house (largely as a prop in her Christmas) or actually have his own Christmas with his partner.

He probably did not ‘choose to spend it with someone else’s kid’. He probably would have chosen to have Christmas at his house with his partner and both their children. But your Christmas belonged to your mum. So your dad had to choose the option that reflected his life and make the best of it.

It’s so very easy to blame your SM for what is essentially your parents’ failure to share our Christmas and frame it positively for you. Because blaming your mum would feel much less comfortable.

This sounds like classic blaming the stepparent rather than the parents stuff though. Your dad moved on and you resent his wife (?) for it.

This is a big thing, isn't it. If you separate and then you don't set boundaries with your coparent that would be appropriate if you found a new partner, and then you're out there looking for one, you're really setting your future partner (and your kids) up to fail.

@TheYummyPatler @Ineverwannabelikeyou I know because he had another girlfriend before my step mum and and did Christmas with us. All due respect you can make all the assumptions you want but you don't know my dad, you can say I don't know what my dad would do but I'm sure I do more than you. I actually get on pretty well with my step mum, and you saying my mum is bitter is hilarious, she was SO relieved when he got married (she was also in a relationship at the time), very amicable split they would probably be close friends now if step mum wasn't so insecure about how well they co parented (dad to her kids left them so I think she was very jaded by her previous experience of men)

I was a teenager so yes I suppose I was selfish, kids tend to be. I just think it wouldn't have harmed him doing Christmas with us for the couple more years we had left at home rather than jumping straight in to her family (and I only mean a couple of hours, not the whole Christmas, but she wasn't happy for him to pop around), but I know how much he missed family life, he would have picked us but craving a family life again knew he needed to keep her happy. You don't have to believe me but I know my dad. It sucked for me when I was younger but realise it has impacted him more in the long term. I just know I will never put my kids through it, blended families don't work and it's just so shit all around.

I've got kids 5 and 7 and we have always done xmas together since we split when the youngest was 1 - they aren't confused and like having both of us for the day. I think it also helps that we do kids birthdays and very occasional days out together, and often have a chat and a cup of tea, so this is their normal.

I find it a bit frustrating (he comes to mine and all the work sits with me) but ideally we'll carry on for a few more years for the kids, possibly into adulthood. If he had a new partner I'd invite them too. For my family its definitely whats best for the kids.

I would be very very unimpressed if he decided to change the set plan a week before xmas with no advance discussion once the kids had already made plans for him being here.

Definitely.

Setting the boundaries yourself and building your own family life with and for
your children, separate from your ex, is so
important.

Unfortunately, patriarchal gender roles mean than very men do not do this. They continue to let their ex do the wifework and crap parenting stuff and turn up as a willing prop for simulated family events. Of course, they’re willing props because they’re benefiting from the reflected glory without having to put in the effort.

At some point though, they meet someone new and want to move on with having a life. So things have to change. It would be ridiculous if they didn’t.

At that point, it becomes oh so
easy for everyone to scapegoat the stepmother. It’s only because she came along that stuff had to change. She took my dad away. Etc. Both parents and the children can benefit from letting that myth flourish and grow. At Christmas, at birthdays, at any other moment it’s convenient.

The same simply doesn’t happen to stepdads, for all sorts of reasons. A big one around Christmas is the simple fact that most mums are the people
who do Christmas (in all families). Her new partner is often just there, in the background. Eating some dinner, and possibly basking in the reflected glory of his wife’s efforts for her own children (maybe he contributed financially, but that’s the easy bit!). He’s not blamed for ‘disrupting Christmas’. He may even be lionised for having participated at all.

Just depressing bullshit.

It sounds healthy to be honest, it's great you have both done Christmas together, but realistically it was never going to work like that forever. I doubt the children will be overly upset, they get christmas day with their mum and then boxing day with their dad. It doesn't sound like a brand new relationship so I'm sure she will become a part of their lives, I can see why it hurts but please don't project your upset onto your children.

I mean this politely, but this is actually a textbook illustration of the post-separation mother’s version of ‘we do it together’ story.

In reality, you’re doing it all and just inviting him along as a happy family Christmas prop (a willing one - who get’s painted as a hero for turning up). But it’s Christmas at your house, done your way. You remain entirely in control of your children’s Christmas. ‘Best for the kids’ looks suspiciously like ‘best for mum’.

When he decides to move on, it’s highly likely every one of you will blame his new partner for ruining it for the kids.

You still don't know that, time changes things. You sound very bitter saying he would have picked you. It's not a competition. Also yes teenagers are selfish but you sound selfish now, as presumably, a grown adult.

@TheYummyPatler - if he was a 50/50 equal coparent then I'm sure he would do 50% of christmas' as his house, and invite me to all of them. I would be very happy to have one which I didn't have to "control".

Loving but a bit shit is probably a more accurate description. I also "control" doctors, dentists, opticians and school stuff for the same reason.

Well yes.

I did write a long post complaining about how men just coast along benefitting from
this shit. None of it is a ‘poor men’ tale.

The point remains that you are happy because your retain control of Christmas. And, very possibly, you should do.

At some point in the next decade or so though he might decide that it doesn’t work for him though. And the danger is that you will all interpret this as pandering to his GF or similar. When it’s actually just moving on.

What if you got a new partner? Would you expect him to do Christmas with your ex? No, because that would be weird. Would you want your ex's gf to be with you on Xmas day? I doubt it!

I think it's kind of natural for @user85747 to have blamed the step mother as a child as she loves her parents. However, as an adult it's a bit tone deaf to do it on a step parenting forum while her dad gets off scottfeee.

The fact is her dad relied on his ex to facilitate Christmas until a new woman came along to do the donkey work for him. This woman who I imagine put in quite a lot of work to make the poster happy when she was there gets the blame.
Yet the dad never once hosted a Christmas for his children without a woman there to do the work.

It’s a common story, isn’t it?

My ex and I do Christmas Eve until 12 Christmas Day then the other parent gets Christmas afternoon and Boxing Day, works perfectly

As an aside....why do so many women do all the work - not just at Christmas but generally in life? It's a running theme on mumsnet. Stop being a doormat/martyr and just say no. Just stop.

I’ll play Scrooge but I think what a lot of people forget is that Christmas is one day. It’s also a day that’s heavily commercialised for the benefit a retail corporations.

As long as you both see DC over the Christmas period (eve-boxing day) then I wouldn’t stress about it too much.

Even as a child, I felt Christmas Day was a bit of an anti climax as after presents there’s not a lot left to do. Visiting family on Boxing Day was always the best part for me.

Focus on the fact you’re coparenting really well with an involved father.

blended families don't work

Your blended family only existed because the first family unit didn't work .....

I think he’s making the right decision and one that’s less confusing for the kids. It’s odd you can’t seem to accept it’s his decision. Want to blame her. Are you struggling to move on?

I'm fully in appreciation of all the times a woman has been told that she's not the step mum despite being in a committed relationship with someone for 5+ years on here, and now this post condemning a woman 3 years post marital break up for not wanting her partner to spend the day with his ex wife now that he's in a relationship and it's posted on the step-parenting forum.

Either way, still the injured party's ex husband's new woman's fault correct?